Chapter 28
TWENTY-EIGHT
Elliana
I hate this. I hate him, and I hate this. Even with the weed helping me feel looser, I want to scream. How do I let him talk me into things?
“I don’t have a bathing suit.” It seems pretty obvious, but I feel like I need to remind him.
“What’s wrong with your underwear? Or you could just take it off and skinny dip.” His eyebrows wiggle up and down.
Is this the paranoia I’ve always heard about when it comes to smoking weed? Because the idea of being out here, naked, shoves my heart up into my throat. “I don’t think so.”
And really, I don’t know if I could get my underwear off without falling over. I’m too unsteady, fumbling with the simple act of pulling my sweater over my head. I guess it’s not so bad being out here in a bra and panties—I’m still more covered than some girls are in their bathing suits.
Suddenly, the pool looks a lot bigger than it did before. I slow down, taking my time now, since I’m not in any hurry to get in the water. I can hear them in my head, all of them, along with the splashing as I struggled. Why do I want to do this now?
“Stalling for time?” As usual, the smug bastard doesn’t bother hiding his smugness. He stands at the end of the pool, already stripped down to his tight boxer briefs. Heat uncoils in my core and starts to spread—this is not the time for that. It must be the weed.
“Just give me a minute, please? Sorry if I can’t let go of my fears just like that, just because you think I should.” When I reach him, I snap my fingers in front of his face. “It doesn’t work that way.”
“Fine. Pretend you weren’t deliberately taking your time because you’re scared.”
“Oh, fuck off.”
It feels good to say it out loud instead of only thinking it. When he laughs, I wish I had said it before now.
“Okay, now that you’re finally ready…” His gaze flicks over me, and his nostrils flare, and I can’t decide if I want to cover myself up or beg him to touch me. I think I smoked too much. “All we’re going to do is start off here, in the shallow end. You don’t have anything to worry about—I am not going to hurt you. You’re perfectly, totally safe.”
“It’s really easy to say that,” I murmur, looking down at the pool. Other people make it look so easy, don’t they? Why does everything have to be so damn hard for me?
“You’ll see it’s true once you’re in the water.” There are a few steps in the corner, which he now takes, holding onto a metal railing as he does. “You can hold on to this,” he reminds me. “That way, you don’t even have to worry about losing your balance or slipping. Couldn’t be any safer.”
“Sure it could be. I could stay here, safe and dry.”
“What’s the fun in that?” He still doesn’t seem to get it. Once he’s in the water, though, I see it doesn’t even come up to his chest. He holds out his hands. “I’ll stay here by the side so you can hold on to the edge. But you have to try. At least you can say you tried.”
I really wish he didn’t make sense. “Okay, fine.”
Really, there’s nothing to be all that worried about, right? All I have to do is hold on to the railing and take one step down at a time. The water is cold, but it feels good after spending all day with jeans covering my legs.
“See? You’re doing it.”
“Don’t patronize me,” I whisper, taking another step.
“Damn, you are impossible.”
“Shut up. Just let me get through this.” By the time I reach the bottom of the steps, the water is at my waist. He’s a little further away, so it comes up higher on him. “I think I’m comfortable here right now.”
“We have all day. There is no rush.”
He can’t actually care as much as he seems to. I literally cannot imagine why he would. Yet when I look at him, almost frozen by dread, he’s smiling. He’s really smiling, almost beaming.
“What?” I finally ask as my heart tries to burst out of my chest.
“I’m proud of you.”
“You don’t have to go overboard.” My face feels hot even though the water is so cool. Refreshing, really. I reach out to take hold of the concrete lip running around the pool and dash. It helps a lot. I could hop right out if I wanted to. I’m not trapped.
“News flash.” He’s grinning when he says, “I’m not going overboard. I really am proud of you. It’s not easy to face your fears, but you’re doing it.”
I’m still not convinced. “You’re just feeling smug because you talked me into doing this.”
“One of these days, you’re going to give me credit for something.” Whatever he says. I’m too busy convincing myself to stay in the pool to argue with him anymore.
“Well, I did it. I got in the water. Can I get out now?”
“You know you can’t. Let’s go a little further.” When he holds out his hand, I recoil before I can stop myself. “Seriously? Elliana…”
“This is a lot. You’re asking me to do a lot, all at once!”
“I am not going to hurt you.” He enunciates every word slowly, clearly, and I’m starting to see the temptation to drown another person because he is very drownable right now. “I’m trying to help you get over this and figure out how strong you are. That’s all it’s about. Now, for God’s sake, take my fucking hand, and let’s go a little deeper. Just a little bit, and you can hold on to the wall the whole time if it makes you feel better.”
With a heavy sigh, I reach out and take his hand. “Happy?” I mutter before gasping when the water rises the further I walk with him.
“You’re okay,” he reminds me with a light laugh. “It feels good, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, once you get used to it.”
“Wow. It almost sounds like you agree with me. I’m not sure what to think.”
“Please, stop talking,” I whisper. I come to a stop once the water is over my boobs. “I don’t wanna go any further. I just want to stay here.”
“That works.” He folds his arms on the edge of the pool, facing the patio. “Try this. Do what I’m doing.” As I watch, he slowly lowers himself into the water until his head is under the water for just a second before he comes back up.
“No way.”
“You can do it,” he tells me. “This is how kids learn how not to be afraid of the water. It’s how they build confidence.”
“Good for them. I’m not trying to overcome any more today. This is enough.”
“I still think it would be easier for you to get comfortable.”
And I think it would be easier for me to get through my life without him acting like he knows me so well. I settle for folding my arms on the edge, closing my eyes, feeling the water gently lap against my skin as Carter moves around. It’s sort of nice.
“This one time, I was in my friend’s pool,” he announces out of nowhere. “I had to pee really bad.”
“Oh, seriously?” Is he really going to tell me this story? “You peed in your friend’s pool?”
“No. I’m not an animal. I would never pee in somebody’s pool.”
“Oh. Well, that’s good.”
“I got out,” he explains, kicking slowly, almost lazily. I can’t help but notice the water droplets that land on his smooth back and shine in the sun. “And I started walking to the house. Only I waited too long, and I couldn’t hold it, so… I peed on the patio.”
“Oh, my god.”
“And then, when his mom noticed, she thought the dog did it.”
“And I guess you let her believe that,” I conclude, and he nods. “How old were you?”
“Maybe eight or nine.” I don’t think it’s the sun that has his cheeks flushed. He wears a sheepish grin when he adds, “As far as I know, they never figured it out.”
“Either that, or they always knew it was you, and you’re the kid who peed in their backyard that one time.”
“Oh, fuck,” he groans. “This is what I get for sharing a story.”
“Sorry.”
“I don’t think you are, really.”
I shouldn’t, but I can’t help giggling. “You’re right. I’m not, really.”
“Finally, a little honesty.” He creeps a little closer, nudging me with his elbow. “I really am proud of you, you know. I mean it. You’re brave for getting in the water like this.”
“I don’t feel very brave right now,” I have to admit. “I feel scared, and I hate that I feel scared.”
“There’s nothing wrong with being scared when the whole world has shoved fear down your throat your whole life.”
There’s a truth to what he says that slowly starts to sink into my bones. It started all the way back when I was little, and I never knew what to expect from Mom’s boyfriends or from Mom herself. She did a lot more partying back then, out with her friends, meeting guys and bringing them home. Trying to fill up the emptiness inside her.
I have known fear all my life. That has to eat away at a person, right? It has to change their DNA.
I don’t have to let it win—the fear. I might not have had any choice in how it ended up ruling my life, but I have a choice whether I want to let it keep ruling me.
“Maybe you should come a little closer,” I suggest, inching my way over to him. All of a sudden, so many things that seemed impossible look different. Like maybe there is a way I can take control, after all. “Just to see how I handle being so close to somebody else in the water.”
“Okay…”
I don’t know if he believes me, but it’s not my problem, is it?
“You have me feeling more comfortable.” And it’s the truth. More than that, I wouldn’t be doing this if he didn’t put the idea in my head that I’m strong enough. Nobody has ever gone out of their way like this for me. It makes me want to be closer to him. “But I don’t know. Maybe I need a little more protection.”
He doesn’t buy it—I can tell from the way he smirks—but do I care? I really don’t think I do. The warm, needy feeling in my core is adding to it. That has to be the weed.
“You definitely seem more comfortable.” His hand touches the small of my back, and I swear a bolt of electricity runs through me. I feel like my hair is standing on end. That’s how alive I am, awake.
The water flows over my skin, and I’m finally facing my fears. “Why are you shaking?” Carter asks in a soft voice, close to my ear. Even the touch of his breath on my skin makes me shiver. “You’re not still afraid, are you?”
“No.” And that’s the best part of all. I am not afraid. I don’t know what to do with this feeling, like there’s power or strength flowing through me. I got in the pool, and I’m still alive. There’s nothing to be afraid of.
Not even when he leans in with his gaze moving over my face like he’s never seen it before, like he wants to take in every detail. Not even when his warm breath hits my skin as I close my eyes, and he kisses me slowly. Softly.
It doesn’t matter how slow or soft it is. His kiss is a match that makes a fire burst to life and wakes up everything that was dark. I am actually standing in a pool, with Carter’s arms closing around me, and I’m not afraid. My heart is pounding, yes, but not because I’m scared.
It’s because of the way he’s getting hard. The way his hands cup my ass cheeks under the water while his tongue strokes mine until all I can do is moan helplessly. All his touch does is make me want more. I need to be closer. I need to feel him all over me.
With my back against the wall, he wraps my legs around him, holding me in place with his body. “Relax,” he whispers when I tremble. “Put your arms around my shoulders. Touch me, Elliana.”
Oh, yes . That’s what I want. My fingers dance through his hair while his fingers slide under my panties, pulling them to the side so he can make me moan into his mouth as the heat and the ache threaten to kill me. It’s just too much. I don’t know if I can stand it.
“Let me inside you.” His helpless whisper is like a drug stronger than what I smoked earlier, and it could be addictive, because I can see myself hearing him beg me like that forever.
I can only nod, breathing hard and fast, pulling him closer with my legs while he slides his hand between us to pull himself out of his shorts. Is this really happening? I went from being terrified of the water to letting Carter slide inside me, where it’s pulsing and throbbing for him. Where he stretches and fills me.
My mouth opens, and I’m about to gasp when he kisses me again, stifling the sound. He barely needs to move—I’m already so close, so alive, tingling all over. Every touch, every inch of him moving slowly inside me. “Look at you, bad girl,” he whispers. “Letting me fuck you like this out in the open. I bet you like it, don’t you?”
I do. Not just the feeling, but knowing how wrong it is. Taboo. There’s nobody else out here, but the threat is there, and it adds something to the experience. I want to tell him that, but I don’t get the chance before his mouth covers mine again, and he sweeps me up in more sensation than my body knows what to do with. I’m going to burst into flame—is that possible, being in the water? I feel like it is right now, like I’m going to set the water on fire. And it’s all because of him.
He breaks the kiss, and I bury my face in his neck to muffle the moans I can’t hold back. “So tight,” he whispers, and now he’s moving faster. The pace makes me hold on tighter and the water starts to splash. There’s nothing I can do, nothing but hang on as I’m swept away.
“Oh, fuck,” he groans in my ear, dragging out the sound, but I barely hear him over the hammering of my heart. Almost there… almost…
Pleasure ricochets through me and tears me apart once the tension breaks. I have to bite down on his shoulder to keep from screaming—I think he likes it, since he shudders and groans and barely pulls out in time to keep from coming inside me. “That was close,” he grunts breathlessly, then laughs. “How do you feel about the pool now?”
Like I’ll never be able to look at one again without remembering how he helped me get through my fear… and how hard I came while he did.