Chapter Fifteen
Sadie
Fifteen Days Later
I’m lying in my bed, curled into the fetal position.
I’ve been awake for almost an hour now, but I don’t want to get up.
This should be the day we go to the park for our game, but I’m avoiding anything and everything that reminds me of either of them.
Apparently, there’s a lot that reminds me of Leo, so I just don’t leave the house. I hardly leave the room.
I know the guys are worried about me, but I don’t really know what to tell them.
I don’t know how to pull myself out of this dark place.
And honestly, why should I leave my dark place?
Every time I have hope, someone crushes it.
I finally got the men of my dreams, only for some vindictive cunt to leak a video.
That set off a chain reaction of bullshit.
Paul apparently just continued with his life as if nothing had happened.
Leo is nowhere to be found, though. His house was cleared of everything essential.
He quit his job, and his bank accounts are empty.
The guys thought I was asleep when they were talking about visiting him.
That’s when they found out that he disappeared.
Since then, I don’t think they have found anything outside of just the basic understanding that he moved.
Leo would know more than anyone about what the guys will do to him for hurting me.
I don’t think he knew that I was ever going to go back to the guys.
If he had known, I don’t think he would’ve gone as far as he did.
Even so, he better pray that they never find him.
They won’t touch Paul unless I say it’s okay, but Leo is free game.
I usually sleep in bed with them, I just unintentionally fell asleep before dinner last night and slept until this morning.
I haven’t done more than let them hug me, and I feel bad for it.
They are so fucking respectful and never hesitated to support me when I asked them to not touch me right now. When I’m ready, I’ll initiate it.
For a lot of the last two weeks, the thought of anyone touching me made me nauseous. It would remind me of Paul and Leo, thus shoving me right back into the panic I felt in the shower. I force myself into it because I know I am safe with Dean, Lance, and Mason.
That first night at home, I scrubbed my skin until I was bloody.
A lot of it has only just now healed. I was sobbing hysterically, and because I locked the bedroom and bathroom doors, it took them a while to get to me.
They got me cleaned up and dressed the wounds that needed it before having me lie down.
They all were in bed with me, but respected my wishes for no one to touch me.
They were so close that I could feel their body heat, but they never once touched me.
The next morning, I woke up with my arm around Mason and my head lying on his chest. At some point, I rolled, apparently in search of comfort, and he is the one that I happened to choose.
He was gently rubbing my back at the moment that I woke up.
As long as I didn’t move or react negatively, he kept rubbing my back.
I still struggle if they touch me and I don’t expect it, but they are very good at reading my cues and body language.
We haven’t had sex, and for a few days, I thought I would never have sex again.
The idea of someone touching me like that was repulsive.
I’ve not kept any of this secret from the guys, and the only thing that they have told me is that they will support me regardless of what I say or do.
They are fully committed to helping me through this trauma, and that honestly is the sexiest thing they could ever do.
I’ve been working from home so that the guys don’t drown without me.
All in all, I’ve not left the house since I got home from the hospital.
My day consists of waking up at some point and taking antibiotics, eating breakfast, and then working until I can’t keep my eyes open.
I’m done with the medicine now, so hopefully, if I did catch anything from them, it’s gone.
I’m not and was never really concerned about that.
There is a knock on the door before it comes open. “Morning,” Lance says.
“Leaving for the park?” I ask, not turning to look at him.
I feel bad because I didn’t go last week or the week before that.
None of the others has gone either. We’ve never missed a single weekend together until now.
I feel like it’s my fault. I refuse to let my bullshit continue to get in the way, so I told them just to go without me, and I will join them when I’m ready.
“Nope. Not yet,” he says. “We want you to come with us.”
“Pass,” I say.
“Baby, I love you so much, but I refuse to let you sit here and become a hermit. That is not who you are,” Lance says.
“It is now,” I say curtly.
“Goddamnit, Sadie. You haven’t even stepped out of the house in two weeks. You’ve been in the living room once since then. We don’t even know what happened. We want to help you, but we’re in the fucking dark over here,” Lance says, raising his voice slightly.
“Yeah, because being shitty to me is definitely going to help that, Lance,” I say with an attitude as I get out of bed. I go to step past him, but he puts his arm around my abdomen to pull me in front of him.
“Talk to me, Sadie. For the love of God, just say something. Literally anything. Everyone is so afraid to say something to you because we don’t know what is going to trigger you. I know you have no obligation and you owe us nothing, but please let us help you.”
“No. Just forget about me. Move on,” I mumble and pull away. I manage to get out of the door before he catches me again.
This time, he pushes my back against the wall and puts his hands on either side of me so that I am blocked in by him.
It’s not panic that I feel when he does this.
It’s rage. “Leave me alone, Lance,” I yell at him.
I surprise myself when I shout at him, but he doesn’t look surprised.
This just pisses me off more, and I try to push him away from me.
Before I can slip away, he grabs my wrists and pins them above my head.
“Stop it and listen, Sadie,” he says calmly.
“Fucking let go. Just leave me alone. None of you are obligated to give a fuck about me,” I scream at him. I see Mason, Dean, Stacy, and Todd in the hallway watching.
“So you tell me to forget about you and move on, then say that we are not obligated to care,” he says. “Want to know what I think?”
“I don’t give a fuck what you think. Let me go,” I snap. I go to bring my knee up in hopes of getting him to let go, but he just pulls me away from the wall, crosses my arms over my chest, and pulls my back against his chest.
“I think you’re pushing us away intentionally,” he says softly. “Why?”
“Let go!” I yell again.
“Why?”
“Stop fucking repeating yourself.” My voice is echoing off the walls, and I’m truly confused about why I’m so angry suddenly. This isn’t like me.
“Why, Sadie? Why are you pushing us away?” he asks again. His voice is gentle. There isn’t even a single drop of hostility or annoyance.
“Because you shouldn’t want me anymore,” I say as a sudden wave of emotion sweeps over me. Tears roll down my cheeks, and he lets go of me so that he can hug me.
“We will always want you, Sadie,” he says. “Why would you think we shouldn’t want you?”
“I’ll never get him out of my head,” I say.
“Says who?” Dean asks as he comes over to stand beside us. Mason follows suit and comes over.
“Paul,” I say quietly. “Right before you guys came in… he was standing beside the bed. I said thank you because I thought that’s what he wanted to hear. I was so tired I didn’t want him to do that again. He…” I stop talking and sigh.
“Take your time,” Lance says softly.
I take a deep breath and word-vomit all of it.
I don’t leave myself any room or time to stop myself from saying it.
I need to get it out of my head. I’ve sat here for two weeks and dwelled on it.
I’ve never kept anything from them, so why should I keep this from them?
I’ve been letting it eat at me, and that’s exactly what he wanted.
He wanted to create a divide between me and the guys.
I feel like an idiot now that I realize that he played on my emotions to try to ruin my life.
He’s trying to get me to willingly come back to him.
I explain every icky detail of what he and Leo did to me.
Looking back, I’m recalling more things about the situation that I didn’t notice before.
They both definitely hit a line or two of cocaine before they would assault me.
They raped me together twice and individually once.
At the time, it didn’t seem like they were raping me for long, but having some time to reflect on it, they were at it for likely close to two hours from start to finish.
I sum everything up with what Paul said to me right before they walked into the cabin.
“So because Paul said you would think of him, you automatically will?” Lance asks.
“I can’t get what he said out of my mind,” I say. “I’ve tried, but I can’t. How is it fair to you all that I will never get my rapists out of my mind when we have sex?”
“But you want to?” he asks.
“If I know I won’t think about them, yes,” I admit. “I miss you guys. I was revolted by the idea of it for a while, but now I desperately need to get them out of my mind.”
Lance suddenly grins and looks at Todd and Stacy. “Don’t stop on our account,” Stacy laughs.
“What’s your safe word?” Lance asks.
“Banana,” I sigh. Lance grabs my hands and pulls me to the bedroom that we share. “What are you doing, Lance?”
“Proving a point,” he says. I turn and try to push him away, but he wraps his hand around my throat and pulls me to him. “You deserve normalcy. We are done walking on eggshells and treating you like you’re broken.”
“I am broken,” I say quietly.