Chapter Fifteen #3
“Is that why you were going to ditch us today?” he asks with a smile, and I nod. “Sweetie, why do you think we are here and not at the park?”
“I… don’t know,” I admit.
“I’ve known you since tenth grade, Sadie.
We’ve all known you for years. If you need space, you can take it across the room from us.
Friends don’t let each other suffer in silence.
We are here because we know you don’t want to be alone.
Even if it’s just sitting in silence, you’ve never enjoyed spending your free time alone all of the time, so sitting in this house alone is what will break you.
Not Paul. Not Leo. So… You are going to go sit your little ass down with your boyfriends, and we are going to have a cookout.
The guys’ parents are coming, too,” Jake says.
“Wait. Who’s cooking?” I ask. “It’s not Todd, is it?”
“Funny,” Todd says, giving me a deadpan expression.
“Me and Billy will cook,” Jake laughs. The front door opens, and Penny, Mason’s mother, is the first to see me. She sets her bag down and comes over to wrap me in a hug.
“Hey, sweet girl,” she says softly.
“Hey.” My voice is barely audible. She pulls away, and Jeff is the one who gets to me next.
“Dad,” Dean sighs.
“Hush. Let me hug my girl,” he says. I can’t help but laugh. Jeff is extremely blunt, just like Dean. “Say the word, and he’s dead.”
“No one is going to jail for me,” I say.
“I mean… not like it would be hard to pull off,” Todd says nonchalantly.
“Don’t tempt me. I’ve fantasized about it for two weeks,” I say.
“Say we wanted him dead,” Jeff says. “Hypothetically.”
“Hypothetically speaking… That entire camp was shut down due to a scandal. He’s filed for bankruptcy as of three days ago. He has no family,” Todd says. “Just stage a suicide. Hanging would be the easiest to stage, I think.”
“Jeff,” I say. “If anyone gets to hang him, it’s me… Hypothetically.”
“You’re half his size. I don’t picture that going according to plan,” Del chuckles.
“Yeah, maybe that is how I ended up getting raped for hours straight,” I say.
“No, that’s because you froze,” Stacy says bluntly. Todd glares at her, and I laugh. “Which is normal, by the way. When I was raped in high school, it happened around probably thirty other students at a party, and no one knew. I just froze up and sat there.”
“Well, that fucking sucks,” I say.
“Yeah. It was a house party, and the girl who lived there had a big ass pool in her backyard. I was in the corner. My friend had been drinking a lot that night. I was avoiding him because he kept trying to feel me up. This time, he cornered me. I turned to pull myself out, and he pulled my bottoms down and raped me right there in front of everyone. Everyone around us thought it was consensual, but the whimpering noise I was making was out of pain, and they didn’t know the difference.
Everyone was drunk, and they had no reason to think it was rape.
I’d like to think someone would have stopped him if they had known. ”
“I’d hope so at least,” I say. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
“Me, too. I was close to him, like you were with Leo. The only difference is that he was my next-door neighbor.”
“Oh fuck,” I say.
“Mhmm. I saw him every single day until I left for college,” she says.
“The pain will never go away, Sadie. It will hurt every single time you think about it, but over time, you’ll learn how to navigate the pain so that it’s bearable.
We are all here to make sure that you know you don’t have to navigate it alone. You are a survivor, baby. We both are.”
“What about getting triggered by dumb shit?” I ask.
“Oh, that’ll get easier, too. Just keep reminding yourself that you are safe.
Never ignore your gut feeling, but just keep it in your head that you are safe.
Use the guys as a safety net. They are your backbone when you are too weak to stand up.
Let them do the heavy lifting when you can’t stand, but never stop getting back up.
Let them keep pulling you up, because eventually, you will learn how to pick yourself up.
There’s absolutely no reason you should face this alone when you have a room full of people who want to help you. ”
“Thank you,” I say.
“You’re welcome,” she smiles.
“Let’s go sit, I guess,” I say to Mason, Dean, and Lance.
We move to the front porch, and when we are alone, I turn to Todd. “I want to do it,” I say.
“I’m sorry?” he asks, confused.
“Paul. I want him dead,” I say. “He’s going to do it again and again. He will never leave me alone until he’s dead. I will happily risk prison if it means I never have to feel that way again.”
“Are you sure?” Dean asks.
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m not asking for anyone’s help. I’m just saying I want him dead.”
“Well, we would help you, but you need to make sure you can live with yourself tomorrow if we do this,” Lance says.
“I’d rather live as his murderer than as his victim,” I say bluntly.
“You’re not a victim, Sadie,” Mason says. “You survived him.”
“Oh, but he won’t survive me,” I say bluntly.