Twenty-Six
TWENTY-SIX
Noble
I knew how to touch Holland in ways that made her tremble uncontrollably and scream my name in ecstasy. I knew she was a soul looking to find her place in the world. The one that would make her feel like she finally fit in. I knew her sweet scent when it lingered in a room long after she had left. Being around her and acting like I barely knew her was agonizing, but this was what she wanted.
The executive director and chairman had asked the other new board members and me to spend a few hours at the agency to get a deeper perspective of their work. I looked forward to it until I saw Holland’s fleeting horrified expression when they announced to the staff that we would be around for the entire afternoon.
I hadn’t taken it seriously when she’d said we needed to cool things down now that she was working at the agency. I thought it was a little ridiculous until I told Tim about it. He was resolute in his response.
“You mean that woman you brought to the gala. You haven’t known her that long anyway, right?” Tim asked when I mentioned it.
My jaw clenched when he referred to Holland as “that woman.” It didn’t matter how long we had known each other.
“Yes. Holland Davenport,” I said, putting respect on her name. I couldn’t claim her—yet. But I needed Tim to understand that she wasn’t just some woman out of a ready pool of prospects. She felt more like the woman.
“Oh. Okay?” He looked confused. “So are you guys dating exclusively?”
Tim had me there. She wasn’t technically my girlfriend. We had never established what we were. “Not exactly.”
Tim raised a brow. “Well, if you guys are serious, then maybe you could notify the organization to keep things clean. Otherwise, you might want to do her a favor and keep your distance if it could cause her problems on the job—especially since she’s new.”
Tim was right. I had no claim on Holland and didn’t want to embarrass her by going to leadership to say she was my girlfriend, because she wasn’t. I needed to talk to Holland.
My mind reentered the conference room when the executive director called the meeting to order. Holland’s boss glared at her when they announced that several of my fellow board members and I would be actively engaged in the event planning. Janet’s scowl transformed into a tight smile when she realized I was looking right at her. I was beginning to think that scowl was her default expression.
Janet’s sneer made me think of Tim’s warning. I’d hate to contribute to Holland having a hard time around the office or having people think there was some scandal going on. It was important for her to prove herself.
My fellow board newbies and I had already spent time with a few other departments, leaving the heart of the organization for last—programming. It was Holland’s domain and the last day of a grueling first week. Janet gave an overview of how their work drove their mission and asked each staff member to introduce themselves and explain their role.
Holland’s turn came and I forced myself to look at everything in the room but her. I was so distracted I didn’t hear her explain her position and refused to ask questions like my colleagues. I glanced at Janet, who stood against the door frame, tight-lipped, arms crossed. She’d watched Holland closely as she spoke, as if she were waiting for her to look my way.
Holland said she was just a harmless stickler, but to me she was more like a thorn pressing into Holland’s side.
“As you see, our program managers all have master’s degrees in social work, because their credentials and experience are critical to their work. Any questions before we talk about our role at the event?”
I chanced a glance at Holland while Janet addressed the room. She sat, stiff-necked, with her eyes locked on her boss.
Janet answered my colleagues’ inquiries and then led the group back through the office. I hung back, letting Holland and her team lead the way.
“Well, my work here is done. I’ll leave you with the managers,” Janet said before heading back to her office.
Holland led us into her small office and walked us through some of the logistics assigned to their department leading up to the event. Her scent teased my nostrils. While she addressed us directly, I recognized her passion for the work, as she explained her part in helping kids find loving homes and ensuring they had the right support along the way. This was where she belonged. Janet was a thorn, but nothing too prickly for Holland to manage.
When we were done, I headed to the conference room to check my email. I texted Holland to see if she’d like for me to wait around so we could head home together. She texted back that I should go ahead. She’d see me at home.
People were saying their goodbyes. I hung back, making small talk with the executive director until I saw Janet head for the elevator. I slipped across the floor and into Holland’s office. The sound of the door closing startled her. She looked up and froze.
“Noble!” Despite the door being closed, she looked around. “What are you doing in here?” She marched over, cracked the door, and poked her head out. “I told you I’d see you at home.”
“You’ve been avoiding me all week.”
Averting her eyes, Holland folded her arms across her chest. “I’ve been busy.”
“Starting your renovations?” I craned my head into her line of sight.
She sucked her teeth. “Preparing for them.”
I pressed my lips tight in disbelief.
“You shouldn’t be in here. My boss…”
“Is crazy.”
“She’s still my boss, and this isn’t a good look if she comes knocking on my door.”
“She’s gone.” I smiled. Holland didn’t.
She dropped her arms, looking exasperated. “Well, someone probably saw you come in here. What do you want?”
“We’ve hardly spoken all week,” I repeated.
“I know.” She walked over to her desk, adding space between us. “I need you to understand.”
“What kept you from answering your phone or texting me back? Is this really about your boss? This job?”
“Unlike you, Noble, I have to work,” she spat.
My eyes widened. I opened my mouth to ask what her comment was about, and thought better of it. I closed my mouth and pinned my eyes on her. The question in my eyes had to be evident, but this wasn’t the place.
Holland didn’t apologize, but she relented with a full-bodied sigh—her chest and shoulders dropped, and she looked away.
I let the dense silence linger.
“I—” She paused.
I folded my arms across my chest this time, waiting for the apology.
“Need to go.” Holland grabbed her purse from her desk drawer, hustled around me, and walked out the door.
I stood in her office, trying to figure out when everything between us went left.
Instead of wrestling with the other commuters on the subway, I opted for a quieter ride in an Uber. The extra time it would take us to navigate rush hour traffic gave me time to think.
I didn’t like the wedge that was widening between us. There had to be a way around it. At the beginning of the week, Holland and I were on the same page, it seemed. Not anymore. Had I done something wrong? How could I respect Holland’s situation without losing her completely? How had I become so entwined with her that distancing myself felt like I was stripping away parts of me?
I wanted all of Holland, not swatches of her. “What burned between us was too potent to play nice,” I said aloud.
“Sorry?” The Uber driver looked back. “I didn’t hear you,” he said, responding to my mutters.
“I was talking to myself.”
“Oh. Okay,” he said and set his focus back on the bumper-to-bumper traffic.
And how did Holland really feel about all of this?
I shook my head. Through the window, I watched people shuffling along the crowded sidewalks—moving around each other like an orchestrated dance. Ears plugged with their chosen distractions, they were oblivious to everything around them.
We pulled up in front of my house. My jaw ached from how tightly I’d ground my teeth together. It was becoming painfully obvious that while I wasn’t always used to getting what I wanted, I wasn’t interested in settling.