Austin
AUSTIN
S itting next to Seb with the team after practise is torture. The air thrums around him and I can’t stop thinking about what we’ll be doing in less than an hour once we shake the guys and get naked at his place.
If I don’t stop to think too hard about it, I don’t have to call it anything. We’re just having fun. Seb knows the score and so do I. The fact he’ll either be working at his dad’s company in the city or moving to Vancouver after graduation gives whatever this is a deadline. Makes it easier to just lose myself to it, temporarily at least.
There’s no hockey this weekend, so I’ve planned to go home to see my family. I’ve seen Seb every day this week, so it shouldn’t be a big deal that I won’t get to see him this weekend. I’ve gone a lot longer without sex. Me and Alyssa did long-distance for over a year. And I didn’t die. I’ll be fine this time.
We finish our pasta and head out, Seb giving Gray a ride to class.
I wonder if Gray’s suspicious of why I’m staying in the car when he gets out, but not too hard. It doesn’t have to be a big deal if I don’t make it one.
I want to reach over and squeeze Seb’s leg in his sweatpants. The school colors look good on him. Better than blue. But I don’t want to blur the lines of whatever this is. We have clear boundaries. We fool around after we’ve finished hanging out, when we’ve finished fooling around, we go back to being friends again. Leg squeezing in cars is dangerously close to boyfriend territory.
We skip the PS5 and head straight to bed, slipping out of our clothes on the way. I stopped overanalyzing how into his body I am about two blow jobs ago. So far, he’s blown me and I’ve jerked him off. It’s perfect, but I kind of feel like I’m being selfish. And I think I want more.
He’s an amazing kisser, that bottom lip so fucking suckable. We make out for a while after we get naked. Grinding our cocks and sighing into each other’s mouths.
He guides me onto my back and starts kissing down my neck. Every fiber in me wants to lay back and let him do that amazing shit he does to me, but something stops me.
I tug his hair gently, but hard enough to pull him back to my mouth.
“You’re a good kisser,” I say. My voice sounds weird. Thick and raspy.
“Mmm, you too.”
He moves to go down and I grab the back of his neck to stop him.
Laughing, he asks, “do you want to kiss me, or do you want me to suck your cock?”
“Um, both?”
A laugh rumbles through his chest.
“You have to pick, I only have one mouth.”
“Can I um… try it on you?”
He raises an eyebrow and I almost lose my nerve.
“Am I going to say no to you blowing me?”
“Maybe when you see how bad I am at it?”
Drawing my bottom lip out with his teeth, he kisses me. “Don’t worry about that, if you want to, be my guest. I promise I won’t come in your mouth. Not unless you’re like, some secret blow-job ninja and I’m not expecting it.”
“I promise I’m not.”
I just let myself get lost on exploring his body. Forget about the pressure to perform. His skin’s warm, nipples hard and tight. His cock flush against his stomach when I stroke it on my way down to his thighs. Seb might be able to leave touching my cock to the last second, but I need all the help I can get.
He hums appreciatively when I nip at his thighs, his balls brushing the side of my face.
Fuck, you can do this. Do I want to do this?
I cup his balls as I lick the base of his cock, my own cock aching in response.
Fuck yes I want this.
“ Oh fuck. ”
Knowing it feels good for him turns me on. I might not be a blow-job expert, but I have experience using my tongue and I put it to good use flicking it against the slit of his cock, getting a taste of that salty pre-cum leaking out.
Breathing through my nose, I wrap my lips around the head and tentatively dip my head so the tip is inside my mouth. Feeling the warm skin of his uncut cock behind my lips is insane. Good insane. But insane.
My cock rubs against the sheets like it has a mind of its own as I suck the head, taking my time. He runs his hand through my hair and keeps his hips still, letting me get used to the taste and weight of him.
I go a little further, not quite to the back of my throat, but it elicits a shudder of what I assume to be pleasure from him. It spurs me on and I go further, the head of his cock tapping the back of my throat. He grunts. I slide my lips and tongue along his shaft as I pull out almost to the tip before plunging back in again.
“ Oh stop! ”
I pull off him with a pop, and when I look up, he looks completely wrecked. By my shitty blow-job attempt? Really?
He flashes me a sleepy smile. It’s so different to his cocky one. I get the feeling this one’s more genuine and I like it.
“Okay?”
“Mm, come here.”
I climb up to meet him, his legs wide open. When we kiss, it’s lazy and messy.
“Do you wanna fuck me?”
My breath catches, ‘ cos fuck yeah I wanna fuck him. But shit, that’s a lot of new stuff in one day.
“You don’t have to. I’m just saying, I’m down with it if you want to.”
“You like that?”
“Yeah. Did you never try it with your ex?”
I bristle, because I’ve never shared private shit like that about Alyssa, but I get he’s not trying to be disrespectful.
“No, but I would have, if she wanted to.”
He nods.
“Are we going too fast?”
“No, a little.”
He smiles and pulls me down into a kiss. Now he’s mentioned it, I’m acutely aware of his legs wrapped around me. How good it would feel to sink my cock inside him. Watch as he comes apart under me.
I slide my hand between his legs, massaging his balls on my way to his crack. He sighs into my mouth and tilts his hips, lifting his legs so I can slide a finger in his crease.
“There’s lube in the drawer.”
Keep your cool, take your time.
I open the drawer, find the loose condoms and a bottle of lube. Squirt way too much out in my hand. Seb laughs and wipes some off onto his hand before wrapping it around my cock.
I kiss him, so he can’t look at me being a clueless fool while I fumble around in his ass crack.
He makes appreciative noises while I slide my finger back and forth until I find what I’m looking for. The noises get louder when I start to circle his hole. Pressing the tip against it until he lets me in. Inside, he’s warm and tight, and fuck, it’d be amazing to replace this with my cock.
I press further and he detaches from my mouth to throw his head back and sigh. I watch my finger pumping in and out of his ass as he tilts his hips for a better angle and I insert a second finger.
Seb moans, moving with me, his hand idle around my cock.
It’s such a fucking turn on watching him squirm. Knowing I’m doing it for him.
“More.”
I do as I’m told and insert a third. He feels even tighter now. Heat pulsing through him.
“ Fuuuuck. ”
I take his hand off my cock and start stroking myself while I pump my fingers in and out of his body and he bears down.
His pale skin is on fire, little flushes dotted across his chest and neck, lips parted, showing his cute gapped teeth.
I want to get closer. Taste him.
I pull my fingers out and his eyes shoot open like I just took his hockey stick away.
“Turn over.”
He flips onto his belly and I admire his ass for a second before diving in. Perfectly rounded, muscular glutes.
His hole is slick with lube and I flick my tongue against it, feeling him shudder beneath me. I press on and he moans into the pillow as I plunge my tongue inside him.
Kneading his glutes and hips, I stay buried in his ass, letting his moans guide me.
I pull his hips up and he reaches around to bury a hand in my hair as I reach for his cock and start jerking him off while I eat him out.
It doesn’t take long to get him off and he comes hard, his whole body erupting into violent shudders until he bats my hand away and collapses onto the mattress.
Coming up onto my knees, I admire his naked back while he catches his breath. His crack slick with lube and my spit. I know he’s too sensitive for me to touch him again right now, so I lie down beside him and wait for him to recover.
When he looks at me through thick eyelashes, my heart thuds in my chest.
He smiles and closes his eyes. “That was nice.”
“Nice?”
He laughs. “I can’t do words right now, but I promise I’ll repay the favor as soon as my brain recovers.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Don’t worry, I won’t touch your ass if you don’t want me to.”
I swallow. “I’m not saying I don’t ever want you to, just… one thing at a time yeah?”
He reaches out and pulls me in by the neck and we kiss lazily.
Before I know what I’m saying, words are coming out of my mouth. “Hey, what are you doing this weekend?”
“Nothing, why?”
“Do you wanna come to Jersey with me?”
His eyes get wider than usual and something catches in my chest.
“Is this to keep an eye on me?”
The instinct to say yeah is strong, but I tell the truth instead. “No, it’ll be fun.”
He shrugs. “Okay, if your mom doesn’t mind.”
“She won’t mind.”
He hums and closes his eyes, brushing his lips against mine and sliding his hand between my legs, jerking me off until I come, thinking about the taste of him on my tongue.
Seb insists on playing only country music on the drive to Jersey.
“I want to know what your mom’s into,” he says when I ask why.
I’m not sure whether to be flattered he’s so invested in getting to know my ma, or offended that he’s treating this like a business merger – trying to schmooze the manager of the company for his own gains. But what does he have to gain by schmoozing my ma? She doesn’t have anything he needs. Neither do I.
When I told her I was bringing Sebastian Huntington (the third) home, she thought I was fucking with her. And when I told her I wasn’t, she said, “I’m glad you two found a way to work out your differences, that’s the sign of a mature adult.”
Yeah, we found a way alright.
While Seb drives, I try not to stare at the side of his face, or his hands tapping the steering wheel in time to Girl Crush. His veiny forearms and the light hairs dappled with sunlight. The shape of his thighs in his smart chinos - even though I told him to wear sweats for our five hour drive.
I haven’t let myself think too hard about this past week. I’ve always known in the back of my head that I was at least curious about guys, and so now I’ve realized I’m into having sex with men, really into it, just as much as I’m into sex with women. I don’t want to think about it any further than that. I just want to enjoy whatever this is. Hopefully come out of it with a better understanding of what I want.
I do start to worry that this might be a bad idea as we pass through Connecticut and I remember that Seb grew up in a big house with a pool in New Haven even though it must have been fucking freezing for half the year. That he’s about to see where I grew up. And though my ma busted her ass to keep this roof over our heads, and it’s not a bad place at all, it’s no mansion.
“So are you going to show me the sights in Jersey?”
“What do you wanna see?”
“I don’t know. The boardwalk?”
“Which one?”
“There’s more than one?”
I shake my head.
“And I want to go to a real New Jersey club.”
“Why? What do you think it’s gonna be like?”
“I don’t know, the Miley Cyrus Bangers album on repeat?”
I snort. “You watch too much Jersey Shore. ”
“You don’t watch that show?”
I shake my head - idiot.
He’s beaming as he takes the toll road into Newark and we’re a little closer to Seb stepping into my world outside of college and hockey. Something I’ve always kept separate before.
I check my phone while Seb goes to pay for gas at the next Texaco. There’s a message from Alyssa and my heart leaps into my throat. Guilt swelling like I’m cheating. But who the fuck am I cheating on? Her or Seb?
Lisa said you’re home this weekend, it’d be nice to catch up if you have the time x
Seb comes out of the gas station, grinning and holding up what looks like two hoagies.
“Gas station hoagies, really? It’s not even a Wawa”
“I don’t understand fifty-percent of what you just said. What’s a hoagie ?”
I roll my eyes as I snatch one. “A ‘sub.’”
Seb makes this annoying little laughing sound. “A ‘hoagie?’ geez, you’re going to have to translate for me this weekend.”
We eat in the car with the door open and my playlist on low before throwing our wrappers away and hitting the road again.
We come off the highway and head into a leafy suburb onto College Drive and Seb perks up. “I’ve been here before.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, Princeton’s around here, right?”
Of course.
“Yeah, maybe.”
“You didn’t apply to Princeton? They have a great athletics program.”
“You sound like a college administrator.”
He laughs.
“I didn’t apply for anywhere, I got scouted.”
Seb pokes me in the ribs.
“Ow, fuck, what was that for?”
“Being a show off.”
“Fuck you.”
He gets quiet and I’m about to tell him I was kidding when he says, “you always knew what you wanted to do with your life huh?”
I shrug. For some reason, it feels like an accusation. “Yeah, I guess.”
“That must be nice.”
“You know, you could play professional hockey. You’re good enough. You’d just need to show the league you’re serious. You could try out for the ECHL or try and get an agent-”
“You just want to lose in a face-off against me again, don’t you? Not that you’ll be playing minor league hockey, but, you never know, I could move up.”
I hadn’t thought about him playing against me again, but yeah, I guess he would be if we both played pro. There’s a possibility I’ll have to start out in the minors to prove myself, if that’s what Boston want… if they still want me.
“I know your M.O now, so you’re screwed.” My face gets hot, but he’s not looking at me. I catch his grin in the rear-view and automatically smile.
“You only just figured out my M.O is ‘asshole who’ll ram you before he even goes for the puck,’” he tuts. “I expected better of a prodigy.”
I make a weird noise I didn’t know I was going to make. “I am not a prodigy. If I were a prodigy, I’d have be playing in the NHL by now.”
“They just want to fatten you up first on all that good college food.”
“Yeah right.”
I have to give him directions when we get off the highway and start driving through residential areas. I’ve never been embarrassed about where I grew up before. It took me a long time to even become conscious of it. But even as we drive through the neighborhood with the bigger houses, I look at Seb in his chinos that I’m pretty sure had a Ralph Lauren logo stitched inside last time I saw them on his bedroom floor. And I think I am embarrassed. Especially when he turns onto our street. With the rusted pick-up trucks and floppy flags.
The houses are all well-cared for by houseproud, working-class people. Mostly rented, but some of them owned. My ma knows nearly all the neighbors. The couple with all the tiny flags planted in the yard like flowers still send me book tokens every Christmas to help with college. The old lady in the dark-blue house with the pretty lawn her grandson mows every Sunday tries to set Ma up with insurance salesmen and tells her she’s too pretty to be single. But Seb won’t see any of this. He’ll just see some tiny, single-level houses with crappy cars parked outside and a penchant for patriotism.
“That one,” I say. “The yellow house.”
My ma wanted to be home when we got here, but it looks like she’s stuck at work, because her Honda isn’t parked outside.
Our house has a second floor with an extra bedroom, but the Gardeners on the right had an extension and a white picket fence put in, which somehow makes our house look that little bit smaller and shabbier. Even with their chicken coop.
I wait for Seb to say something patronizing, like, “this is cute/quaint/cozy,” but he doesn’t even seem to notice as he helps me unload the bags from his BMW. It looks out of place on this street, but he doesn’t seem to notice that either.
“Ma must still be at work,” I speak with my back to him as I open the front door.
My face feels hot, and the second I see how meticulously clean and tidy the house is, I’m more than embarrassed, I’m ashamed.
So what if Seb thinks our house is small? Ma must have spent ages cleaning and tidying before starting a long shift on her feet all day, and she did this for my friend, so she wouldn’t embarrass me. After everything she’s done and I’m worried about what some rich guy will think?
I’m defiant as I turn around, but Seb isn’t looking at anything in the narrow hallway. Instead, he’s grinning at me. He wags his eyebrows, ignoring my stony expression.
“So your mom’s not home? Where’s your room?”