Austin
AUSTIN
W hen Ma asked if I’d mind her inviting Alyssa to the BBQ, what was I supposed to say? No, because I don’t wanna make Seb jealous? You can be friends with your ex. And Seb doesn’t seem like the jealous kind.
But when she shows up, I feel shitty, like I’m doing something wrong.
She comes over and hugs me. She’s turned up alone and I can’t just leave her.
“Want a root beer or something? Ma will probably let you have a real beer if you want one.”
“Root beer’s fine, thanks.”
Fuck. She’s being all polite, like she’s nervous. Like this is a first date and we haven’t known each other since we were kids. Like we haven’t shared shit with each other we haven’t shared with anyone else.
“I should say hi to Lisa.”
“You can’t miss her, she’s the loud one over there.”
I avoid Ma while I grab Alyssa a root beer. I don’t want to see the knowing smile on her face at me and Alyssa talking again.
My uncle Pete has Seb cornered and is chewing his ear off about cars. Asking about the specs of Seb’s Beemer parked out front like he’s ever driven a BMW in his life. He stops talking when he sees me and slaps me on the back. “Here’s our future NHLer here. Was that Alyssa I saw you talking to?”
“Yeah.”
“You two back together then? She’s a nice girl.”
“Yeah she is.” I glance guiltily at Seb, but he’s drinking his root beer and looking away.
“But we’re just friends.”
Seb’s blank expression doesn’t change.
“Just don’t marry one of those gold diggers when you’re playing pro, you’d be better off with a girl from round here, someone who liked you before you were a superstar.”
My aunt Sherry comes and pulls him away and Seb still isn’t looking at me. I don’t know what to say.
“Weren’t you getting Alyssa a drink?”
He gestures to the unopened bottle of root beer in my hand.
“Seb-”
His face softens. “It’s okay.”
“We’re just friends.”
“Got it.”
“, Seb, come over here.” Ma calls.
“We don’t have to-”
“Come on.” Seb pulls me by the elbow and when we reach the group of women – my ma, Alyssa and a couple of my aunts – Ma introduces Seb to everyone, leaving Alyssa until last. Alyssa gives him a little wave and my heart pounds in my ears.
“Hi, it’s nice to meet you,” Seb says, sounding just as sunny and polite as he always does when introducing himself to someone new. I think about that day in class when he got up and introduced himself to everyone like a forty-year old banker at a conference. My lips twitch in a smile. He’s such a dork.
I realize everyone’s looking at me like I’m supposed to say something.
“Huh?”
Ma rolls her eyes. “The drink, is that for Alyssa?”
“Oh, yeah, sorry.” I pass it to her, blushing furiously. All my aunts flutter their eyelashes and exchange glances.
This is getting out of hand. I should do something to reassure Seb, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that when I don’t even know what’s going on between us?
My aunt Debbie starts asking Alyssa about school and the limelight is off me for a second and I can take a breath.
Seb’s face is blank as he sips his root beer and smiles politely, answering my aunts’ questions about what position he plays and what classes he takes at school.
“Have you got a girlfriend Sebastian?” Aunt Suze asks.
“No.”
Why didn’t he tell her he’s gay? He told us that first day in the locker room. Does he think he has to hide it for me?
“Handsome young man like you?” Aunt Suze teases.
Seb treats her to a shy smile.
“Put him down Suze,” Ma says.
“, you should be his wing man,” Suze persists, ignoring her.
Seb flushes a little. The freckles along the top of his nose stand out when he blushes like that. I wanna grab him and kiss him. I’m fucking this up.
I poke him in the ribs, hoping he’ll take the hint. It’s like being on the ice, giving each other discreet signals we don’t want the other team to pick up on. He excuses himself to use the bathroom.
“I’ll show you where it is.”
I leave before Ma can remind me that he knows where the bathroom is.
“Go upstairs,” I say to his back as he walks ahead of me into the house. He does what I ask without question, and when we’re in my room, I close the door behind us and kiss him.
“What was that-”
I kiss him again before he can say anything. I’ve learnt this is the only way to shut him up. That and blow-jobs, but I’m not about to risk that with a house full of my relatives.
“I wanna stay friends with Alyssa, but I don’t want you to be pissed off.”
“Okay?”
“I’m not trying to fuck you around, I don’t know what’s going on here, but, I’m into you.”
My heart pounds in my ears as I wait for a reply.
“You know, it’d be easier if you were with Alyssa.”
I frown. That wasn’t exactly the reaction I was hoping for.
“Your family love her, she seems great, and even I can see she’s gorgeous, and she’s obviously still in love with you.”
I swallow, holding back from saying what’s on my mind. I don’t want her, I want you. Yeah, I might mean it, but this is all new to me, and I don’t wanna fuck him around if I don’t know for certain what I want. That felt bad enough with Alyssa. I don’t wanna put someone through it again.
Seb, as usual, is still talking.
“You broke up because you needed to explore this side of your sexuality. Well, you’ve explored it now. You two are perfect together. I should just step out of the way and-”
“Shut up Seb.”
I pull him in by the jacket and press my lips against his. We don’t have to talk about it right now. I just need him to know I want him. We can figure everything else out later.
People start leaving before it gets dark, me and Seb helping Ma clean up the paper plates and empty bottles of beer while my uncle Pete cleans the grill.
“Hey, you wanna go to that club tonight?” I ask Seb.
He looks up with a wicked grin.
“Take a key if you’re going out,” Ma says, ears like Dumbo. “I’ve got a gig at Smokey’s tonight.”
“Oh can we go to that instead?” Seb asks.
“I thought you wanted Miley Cyrus on repeat?”
“I can sing you a Miley Cyrus one if you like Seb.” She winks.
“Then I’m definitely going.”
Alyssa comes out of the kitchen after helping my aunts with the dishes. I can hear uncle Joe clinking with bags of beer bottles for the recycling.
“Alyssa, you busy tonight?” Ma asks.
She looks expectantly at me and I don’t know what my face is doing, but she tells Ma she’s got too much studying to do. “But break a leg.”
“I’ll show you out.” My face is hot and I can’t look at Seb, though I wish I could reassure him about my intentions here. I might be fumbling this, but I’m trying.
I walk her around the side of the house, stopping at the door.
“Want me to walk you home?”
“I’ve got my car.”
“You got a car?”
“Yep, saved my wages from the store.”
“Oh yeah, how’s that going?”
She told me she got a part-time job on the Elizabeth Arden counter at the mall the last time we talked, but a lot’s happened since then.
“Fine, the women are nice who I work with and it’s a little extra cash for the savings you know.”
“Yeah.”
She blows on her hands and I wonder if I’m supposed to take my jacket off or something. I remember how I used to grab her hands in mine and blow on them to keep them warm. But that was when she was my girlfriend. And that’s in the past.
That look on her face, it’s like I’m rejecting her and I can’t stand it.
“Can we sit in your car for a minute? I need to tell you something.”
She frowns, like she’s going to make me explain myself first. But then she takes her keys out and lets us into a little blue Fiat and puts the heating on.
“There’s something I should have told you when we were together, but, I didn’t have the balls.”
“What is it?”
“I’m bi.”
Silence.
“Bisexual?” She asks eventually.
“Yeah.”
My face is flushing, but I’ve done it now. It’s out there.
“Does Lisa know?”
I shake my head. “Not yet.”
“Are you and that guy-”
“Seb? Yeah.”
“Oh.”
I don’t know what else to say. My leg is bouncing like crazy.
“Did you… I mean, were we-”
“I loved you,” I say quickly, forcing myself to look at her. “But near the end, when we were together, I felt like I needed to understand this part of me before I could commit to anyone.”
She nods slowly.
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s not like you cheated on me, right?”
“Of course I didn’t, I’d never do that.”
“So you’re bi, not gay?”
“Right.”
“So you were attracted to me?”
“What do you think?”
She shrugs. “Yeah, it definitely felt like it.”
“Because I was.” I can’t reassure her any more than that. When we were together, I was crazy about her, attracted isn’t even the word, but when I look at her now, I don’t feel what I felt then. I feel something, but not that.
“I care about you,” I say. “Actually, that’s an understatement, you’re so fucking important to me and I don’t want us to ever not be friends. I’ve told you things I’ve never told anyone.”
“Me too,” she smiles thinly. “You were my first love. And you kind of ruined me.”
“What do you mean?”
“You were too good to me, now other guys all seem like dicks.”
I snort, because if I’m the highlight of men in the world, we’re fucked.
“Maybe the guys you’ve met are, just be patient, someone who deserves you’ll come along eventually. Someone way better than me.”
“What about Seb?” she asks.
“What about him?”
“Is he the right one for you?”
I take a deep breath. “I don’t know. He’s a rich kid.”
“So?”
We burst out laughing at the same time.
“What if he never fully gets me?”
“Just because you grew up on different sides of the tracks?”
“Different sides of the tracks? Al, he’s from New Haven.”
She rolls her eyes. “You’re such a snob.”
“ I’m a snob? I’m the opposite of a snob.”
“Oh really? Because I’ve been watching Seb today, and he seemed in awe of everything about your life, your mom, your house, your crazy aunts and uncles, your little nieces and nephews.”
“Why would he be in awe of me? He grew up with a fucking pool in his backyard.”
Alyssa shakes her head. “Never mind.”
We fall into silence again.
“You don’t hate me do you? I mean, you have every right to if-”
She reaches out and stops my knee mid-bounce. “I could never hate you, okay?”
I nod.
“Friends?”
“Friends.”
She leans over the gearstick and hugs me and I hold her tightly, getting nostalgic off her familiar perfume. But that’s it, I realize– nostalgia.
Everyone else has left by the time I go back into the house. The place is clean and Ma is upstairs getting changed for her gig.
“She has more energy than any person I’ve ever met,” Seb says.
“I know, it’s annoying.”
I get the feeling he wants to ask what I said to Alyssa, but he won’t.
“I told her,” I say, quietly, just in case Ma is on the stairs.
“Told her what?”
“About us.”
Seb’s head snaps up. “Why?”
My stomach drops. “Because… I thought she deserved to know why I wasn’t interested in getting back together.”
He opens his mouth, but shuts it again at the sound of Ma’s footsteps on the stairs.