Sebastian
SEBASTIAN
M y phone rings and I step outside to answer it. It is way too loud in there. As much as I love Austin’s family, they’re impossible to have a quiet conversation around.
I have to plug one ear as I press the phone against the other.
“Dad?”
“So hockey’s finished now.” He says.
“You saw the game?”
“I saw.”
Silence.
“We won the championship.”
He clears his throat. “So, you’re still determined to pursue hockey as a career?”
“Yes.”
“I assume you’ve made a five-year plan?”
“What?”
“After this internship in Vancouver, what’s next?”
“I… I don’t know, I hadn’t really thought-”
“Well, don’t you think you ought to? I had a word with an associate-”
My blood runs cold. “No Dad.”
“What do you mean no?”
“I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, I really do. You gave me the best education anyone could ever hope for. I never had to struggle for anything. And I’ll probably never be able to pay you back, but… I’m a grown man now, and I have to do this alone. If it means struggling, then so be it. Maybe you could just trust that you and mom and all those fancy schools taught me enough life skills not to starve to death? Plus… my boyfriend’s playing in the NHL, so, I’m not exactly going to be poor.”
“This boyfriend? He wouldn’t be the same one I walked in on you-”
I know he’s not going to finish the sentence, but I interrupt him anyway. “Yeah, that’s him.”
“Ah. I don’t know whether to be disappointed or relieved he wasn’t just some random boy.”
I could tell him that I’ve done that to plenty of random men, but I have the sneaky feeling this conversation is supposed to be an olive branch, and as much as it might kill me to admit it, I want it. But not if it means sacrificing Austin, or hockey.
“I love him,” I say. “And at the risk of sounding melodramatic, he loves me.”
He sighs. “You do know I can’t allow you to end up in the gutter. You’re still a Huntington-”
I lean against the wall, listening while my dad laments on my ignorance.
Austin comes out with a concerned frown and mouths, what’s wrong? Who is it?
My dad.
Okay?
I nod, pulling him closer by the shirt and resting my head on his shoulder.
“Dad, I’ve got to go, Austin’s family are waiting.”
I hang up and Austin tilts my chin so I’m looking at him.
“Okay?”
“Yeah.”
He keeps his hand on my face, looking right into my eyes. Knowing if he gives me the chance, I’ll back away. Clam up. Except I won’t. Not this time.
“I will be okay,” I say. “And I’m better than I was.”
He nods and drops his hand to come and lean beside me on the wall. Austin’s huge family are still making noise inside the bar and it cocoons me, makes me feel warm and safe.
“I know it must sound pathetic, but I still kind of want his approval. I know it’ll pass but…” I shrug. Fuck, I wish I had that pack of cigarettes I just pretended to smoke whenever things got awkward, or I wanted to piss my sexy captain off.
“It’s not pathetic.” He says. “I understand.” He clears his throat. Shuffles his weight from one foot to the other.
“When I was a kid, I used to wonder why my dad left.”
Fuck. He’s never talked about his dad before. So I’ve never asked. I always thought he didn’t think about him and the man couldn’t matter less.
“I thought it was my fault, like I’d done something wrong.”
“How old were you when he left?”
“I was a baby.” He laughs. “Pretty stupid, I know, what can a baby do wrong? It wasn’t my fault, I know that now, and that loser can go fuck himself. I never needed him. My ma was more supportive than most two-parent families I know. What I’m saying is, it takes time, but that rejection from someone who’s meant to love you no matter what? It’ll hurt less one day. I promise.”
There’s that lump in my throat again. I don’t try to push it down this time and Austin squeezes my hand.
“And you’ve got someone who’ll love you no matter what.”
“Even if I start supporting the Habs?”
He runs an exasperated hand over his face and groans, but I can see him smiling through his fingers.
“Even then,” he says.