19. Ned #3
“You know, he doesn’t tip great,” Pat says.
“He came in the other day and I was kind of surprised. Which I said to Claire—do you think she thinks I was too obsessed about that? I mentioned it once and then again later that day, but she wasn’t feeling great, said she felt like she had a stomach bug. I should send her soup.”
“If she’s not feeling well, she might just not be on her phone.”
“Soup.” It sounds like he’s writing it down. “Who isn’t on their phone when they’re sick? That’s all anyone does. Chicken soup, right? Not anything creamy if she’s ralphing all over.”
“Gross.”
“Yeah. But I bet she’s still cute when she pukes, you know?”
“I’m pretty happy not thinking about it, honestly. And Pat, focus. Beverly said she’s really excited for us to get married.”
“So?”
“So!” Ned yelps, then looks over his shoulder. He’s still in front of the sociology building, so he ducks his head and starts walking toward his car.
“Spousal hire, right? The word ‘spouse’ is kind of right there, low-hanging fruit.”
“We are not engaged,” Ned hisses. “And Beverly has already been asking questions about how long-term we are and being up in our business about moving in together, and now she and Chris are talking about us getting married.”
“Awesome.”
“Pat.”
“What? Aren’t you?”
“Aren’t we—Pat! No!”
“I don’t mean now, but eventually?” Pat asks. “You’re not breaking up with Abbot, so the alternative is kind of just being together forever, whether you put a ring on it or not. Don’t overthink this. Though you’re you, so you’re going to.”
“That is really different from being engaged!”
“Yeah, for some people, maybe.”
“You are not taking this seriously.”
“You are taking this way too seriously.”
“Just text Claire and relax about it.”
“Ned, we have to game-plan this. It is not just a text. It’s the entire future of this relationship.”
“I’m just supposed to let these people think I’m getting married?”
“I mean, that’s what I think.”
“You’re you!” Ned half shouts.
“It’s kind of funny, if you think about it.”
“You know, I’m having trouble seeing the humor.”
“Can I tell Claire about this pickle you’ve put yourself in? If she ever talks to me again?”
“She probably just lost her phone.”
“Or she’s dead. I’m the opposite of fine, my dude. She is the most amazing person I’ve ever met and I’m going to simply cease existing if she ghosts me. And I have no idea what I did! It’s like everything was fine and then bam, radio silence.”
“I don’t think a couple hours without a text counts as this dire a situation. Abbot said when he saw her just the other day that they hit it off, so she’s not avoiding everyone.”
“Did Abbot say what they talked about?”
“Just stuff, he didn’t really say specifically. She was curious about you, I guess.”
“What does that mean?” Pat’s voice sharpens.
“I don’t know. Like if you’re secretly a weirdo. If you were the type to jump to a conclusion that she’s been murdered.”
“Oh no,” Pat says. “She’s been murdered.”
“No, you idiot. If you’d treat her alright and if you’re a nice guy.”
“I am,” Pat says, his voice rising. “I am treating her alright, aren’t I? Ned, am I?”
“I don’t know. Are you?” Ned asks.
“Should I tell her I love her?”
“Pat!”
“Too soon. Yeah, that’s too much. Okay, I heard it out loud.”
“Just text her and say something nice.”
“I could send her flowers.”
“You could send a text,” Ned enunciates. “Ask if she wants soup. If she even likes soup.”
“Who doesn’t like soup? It’s soup. Oh, isn’t there that marriage soup? Wedding soup? Italian or something? I’ll get you and Abbot some of that, while I’m soup shopping.”
“You are no help.”
“You’re even less.”
“What do I say to Abbot?”
“Ask him what kind of soup he likes.”
“About Beverly,” Ned bites out.
“Oh, I have no idea. Just don’t freak out. More than you already are, I mean.”
Ned blows out a breath. Him and Pat, floundering through their relationships.
They need Abbot here to steer them, no matter that he’s half of what they’re trying to figure out.
Might as well bring Claire in too for some advice, since she seems pretty sensible.
Yes, they can put together a talk like Ned just gave, complete with a slide deck and helpful charts, and clue Ned and Pat in on what the hell they’re supposed to be doing.
Because what is going to happen? Abbot will move to Boston and—and Ned won’t live with his ostensible fiancé? Oh, hell, how are they going to explain that?
Maybe Abbot won’t find a place. Today will be the start of a headache of searching for something he likes, and he’ll conveniently move into a tiny apartment in the meantime. And stay there. With his millions of dollars that mean he can buy pretty much whatever he wants, even in Boston.
“Abbot’s coming down this afternoon,” Ned says. To look at houses, he doesn’t add, and is thankful Pat doesn’t know to ask. “So I’ll talk to him. And if you haven’t heard from Claire, we’ll sort something out. But I’m sure you will have.”
Yes, it’ll be better to talk to Abbot in person. They can figure out what to do, together.
Ned just hopes whatever plan they come up with is the same one.