33. Abbot #2
Abbot nods. “And Baxter being ill.”
“And Baxter,” Claire agrees. “But he’ll be fine.”
Abbot pulls his head up. “He will?”
“Ned didn’t tell you? Just a prescription for pills and he’ll be back to normal.”
“That’s great to hear,” Abbot says. From Claire. Not from Ned, and was Ned going to tell him that? When?
He’s my dog, Ned had said and Abbot pulls in a sharp breath.
“Everything was simpler,” Abbot says. Smoother, too. But every day was also wrought with the distance from Ned and the separateness of their lives.
Ironic, then, that he’s gotten so much of what he’s wanted, and yet it feels so very far from everything he’d hoped for.
“Can I say something?” Claire asks. “I’m going to, alright? And you can be pissed. I get that I don’t know you that well, and trust me, I’m a mess in my own right, but listen. I wasn’t looking to date anyone, and I certainly wasn’t looking to get knocked up by a guy I don’t know, but shit happens.”
“The romance of it all,” Pat agrees.
“I got burned good by my ex,” Claire says. “He was wonderful, and he also couldn’t get himself together to be a good partner. At some point, I had to decide to keep waiting on him or bail and go take care of myself.”
“Which we had a nice chat about and I’m definitely going to have my ducks lined up like you’ve never seen,” Pat says. “So orderly. In a row, one after the next, neat as can be.”
Claire covers his hand. The gentle affection of it makes Abbot want Ned there, too. But not the Ned of the last few days, the two of them at odds more often than not. An earlier version, from when they got along perfectly and never disagreed.
Because there was nothing to disagree about. They constantly wanted to see each other more, and certainly were on the same page about it. Now they’re getting that chance, but is this what happens when they apply pressure to their relationship? Everything starts to crumble?
“What I told Pat, when I asked if he really wanted to be part of this ridiculous adventure of having a kid together, is that I deserve a lot,” Claire says.
“To be treated well, and to be a priority, and if he can’t do that or doesn’t want to do that, or is going to say he’s in but won’t actually follow through, that’s fine.
That’s his choice. But I’m making my choice too, and that’s what I’m asking of him.
So he can decide to show up, or he can be a name on the birth certificate and a guy the kid sees when it’s convenient for him. ”
“She said exactly that,” Pat says. “Which, let’s be honest, was a little intense and why I had to run across the city to find Ned. Thank you again for lending him out.”
Abbot glances between them. That’s…that’s something, certainly, to say all of that.
“I’ve heard a lot about Ned, and about you,” Claire goes on. “I don’t know you guys at all yet, but at what point do you decide you’ve done your half of showing up, and your partner has to carry their weight too?”
Abbot looks at Pat, surely about to jump in and defend Ned, but Pat just shrugs.
“Ned always needs someone to shove him into his own life,” Pat says. “And Claire has a point, you know. I’m not even saying that because I’m biased. How long will you wait for Ned?”
For a long time, Abbot knows. He can wait. He’s been waiting.
“I can sign a twelve-month lease and we can see then,” Abbot says.
“And then you’ll sign another one?” Pat asks. “And what happens after that?”
Abbot swallows. After that? A year from now, signing another twelve-month lease? And then a third, so he’s in some apartment he doesn’t care for over three long years?
Five, maybe?
He doesn’t know what happens after that. Because the only choice is that Ned will have sorted out his own life and be ready to truly, finally, link theirs together.
And if he doesn’t?
Abbot spins his wineglass, feeling Claire’s and Pat’s eyes on him.
It’s fine. Abbot doesn’t have to have kids of his own. A stepdaughter is more than enough.
He pictures Ned holding Pat’s baby. Pictures holding the baby himself, a tiny little life so brand new to this wide world.
And then truly, for the first time, he examines the hope he’s held and tries to envision if that never happens for him and Ned.
If they never bring a baby home from the hospital, never watch tottering first steps together, never have a little family that’s theirs.
If it’s him and it’s Ned, always slightly separate, living in parallel but not together.
He’ll be fine. He is fine. He has been, for a long time now.
And he has exactly what he wanted, doesn’t he? The wish to move closer to Ned—to even get to work together again, which he barely knew to hope for. And they’re married. They’re together, for good.
“Abbot,” Pat says gently. “You’re why you two got together in the first place. Don’t forget that, okay? You gave Ned the push he needed, because you wanted to be with him. And you gotta find it in yourself to keep doing that, alright?”
Do that again? That night in Pat’s bar, when Ned had so casually told Abbot he could come upstairs if he wanted to. Oh, he wanted.
“I have to respect what Ned wants too,” Abbot says. It’s a partnership, isn’t it? The two of them negotiating what they each want and what they can give?
“You two are in this together, aren’t you?” Pat asks.
“Exactly,” Abbot agrees. Because what’s the other option? Their relationship will stall? Come to an end?
The thought turns him cold.
He reaches for his jacket. Neither Claire nor Pat tells him to stay.
But outside holds no more answers than the cafe did. Is Ned another man Abbot is chasing and chasing? Or should he not have shared what he did about when his mother was sick? Damned if he said nothing, Ned’s ire at his silence growing, and damned now that he has?
Is this where he was always going to end up? Having laid himself bare to Ned, and left walking alone down this cold, snowy road?