39. Seth #2
Her parents always gave her a timeout whenever she got too upset to reasonably discuss things, and she’s kept doing it ever since.
I hate it when she does it. Hating it even more now, because I know what she’ll say. And I know she’ll be right about it.
She comes back. “Tell me everything.”
So I do.
More or less.
No specific details, of course, but she gets the big picture.
Afterwards, she just stares at me.
“This is wrong, Seth,” she says, slowly shaking her head. “This is just wrong. You’re being selfish.”
I scoff. “He came on to me. He asked me. It was all his idea—”
“But he doesn’t know how you feel about him, Seth!
He has no idea that you’ve been pining after him for years, and that is just wrong!
He’s in the dark here, and you’re just letting him stay there.
You’re taking advantage of his fear of getting sick, and using it for your own satisfaction. Don’t you see that? Honestly?”
I drop my gaze to the floor, shame coloring my cheeks because of course I see that.
“And what about your friendship? You seriously think you can survive this, and come out on the other end, and nothing’s changed?”
“I—” I shake my head.
“And what about you, Seth?” she pleads. “Why do you keep doing this? Why do you always think that you’re not worthy of something more than hook-ups with unavailable guys? When are you—”
“Shut up,” I say, but there’s no heat in it. I shake my head. “I don’t know what you want me to say, or do. It is what it is.”
“It doesn’t have to be what it is. You could tell him.”
"Tell him what?” I snap. “That I’ve been obsessing over him for years, like a fucking stalker? Hoping he’d want me back, but now that he does, I’m too scared to even let him fuck me? That now that I’ve got everything I ever wanted, I don’t want it?”
“This is not what you’ve always wanted, Seth. You don’t have to settle for—”
“Yes, I do, Lou! I do. This is as good as it’ll ever get for me. Why don’t you see that?”
She glances away, shaking her head and when she looks back at me, there’re tears in her eyes. “I hate how you talk about yourself,” she says, bottom lip trembling.
I just shake my head, locking my eyes to the floor.
“Are you in love with him?”
I shake my head, frantically. “No.”
“Seth—”
“I said no.”
We’re quiet for a while. I bounce my leg, scratching my eyebrow. Chewing my lips and hating everything about this.
“Look, I promised him nothing was gonna change. That in the end, we’d still be us, and I’m not gonna break that promise. He’s my person, Lou. You know I was a fucking wreck after you left. I was not in a good place, and then—”
“And then Kaden. And you called me and told me you were in love, that he was the man you were going to marry—”
“Oh, my God!” I drag a hand down my face. “I was eighteen!” I yell. “You can’t hold that against me now, Lou.”
“It has nothing to do with you being young and stupid. That was just you talking. The real you, Seth. You seem to forget that I’ve known you your whole life.
I know you, Seth. I was there in high school, when you were treated like fucking shit.
And I was there when you started to change.
When you tried to lose everything that makes you, you. ”
“You—”
“No, not in person, but I was there. And you can lie to yourself all you want about how you’re not that guy anymore.
That you’re not soft, or fem, or whatever the hell your problem is with just being you, but I know you, Seth.
And this—this Kaden stuff? I’m scared it’ll blow up in your face so hard, you’ll lose yourself completely.
” Her voice breaks and she wipes her cheeks.
My mouth’s resting against my clenched fist, and my vision’s blurry as I stare at the floor. There’s that burning feeling in my nose, a lump in my throat I can’t swallow. I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I hate this. I hate it.
“This isn’t right, Seth. You need to end it, for both of your sakes. You deserve more. You both do.”
My leg bouncing up and down as I think it over.
“Yeah, okay,” I whisper eventually, wiping my nose. Nodding, I clear my throat. “You’re right. I’ll end it.” Because he deserves more.
I’m lying on my couch under a blanket when Kaden walks in.
“Hey, Sunshine,” he says, leaning in the doorway. “What’s wrong?”
I shrug. “Just having a bad day.”
I called the studio this morning after my call with Lou, telling them I needed a personal day. I both hate and love that Lou knows me to the bone. She knows everything. She knows what I’m doing and why, and there’s no hiding from her. And the truth fucking hurts.
I’ve spent all day on my couch, hugging a pillow, thinking everything over. Turning it over in my head so many times, I got dizzy. Trying to find a way to keep everything as it is, without risking something. Trying to find a way to go back, without losing something.
There is no way. No right answer. It’s impossible however I twist and turn it.
And that is my life. There’s never a right answer to anything. Whatever I do, no matter how much I try, it’s always wrong.
“Is this about Lou?” he asks. “You miss her?”
“Yeah,” I lie, but also not, because if Lou had been here, maybe she could’ve stopped this madness before it got to this. And I feel like an asshole because Kaden doesn’t know the real reason and usually when I’m like this, it has to do with Lou and me missing her.
“You wanna call her? Maybe you can watch a movie together?”
I shake my head. No, I’ve heard enough of what she has to say for today. He walks over, drops down beside me and shoves me over in the process.
“So, there’s this guy I know,” he says, turning to lie on his side, facing me. “Pretty decent, you know? But he’s a stubborn asshole and he wouldn’t want anyone to know this, but he loves cuddling.”
I snort. “I don’t love cuddling.”
“Wanna know how I know?” he says, ignoring me.
I raise my brows.
“’Cause no one who hates cuddling is that good at it. And he’s really good. And—” he says, placing his hand in my hair, raking his fingers through it. “—he taught me this, and it helped me, so maybe it can help you, too.”
“Kade—”
“Shh… You just have to go with it,” he whispers. “That’s what I do. I just go with it.” He licks his lips and smiles. Breaking my heart in the process. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath.
“I know I’m not Lou,” he mumbles. “And I can never take her place. But I can be here for you, too, Seth. We’re friends, too.”
I don’t want to be his fucking friend. I want more.
I turn my face towards his chest, trying to stop the fucking waterworks. I give myself a few minutes before I turn my head up again, looking at him.
And I know I should end this. I know I should. It’s the only right thing to do, right?
But instead, I kiss him. Because I am selfish. And maybe that’s the part about myself I hate the most.
And Kaden moves a hand to behind my ear and kisses me back. Because he doesn’t know any better. Because I haven’t told him anything.
He tilts his head, licking the seam of my lips and when I open up, he slides his tongue inside. Tasting of that peppermint gum he’s always chewing, as he tangles it with mine.
It’s not the hot, frantic kisses that you know will turn into something more.
It’s lips grazing each other.
It’s lazy, open-mouth kisses.
It’s tongues caressing and hair stroking.
It’s nose bumping and foreheads leaning.
And that is all so much worse.