75. Seth
Seth
Now playing: “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol
Kaden chuckles beside me where we sit in the lift.
“What?”
“It’s just… fucking hilarious you thinking my mom is any better when it comes to that stuff.”
“What? Kids and marriage?” I say, glancing at him. He nods and I drop my head back and groan.
He shoulders me. “Do you want that?”
I hesitate for a second because old habits die hard before I remember that I don’t have to hide that part from Kaden anymore. “Yeah, I’ve always wanted to get married,” I say. “And if I’m lucky enough to have kids, then, yeah. I’d want kids, too.”
He nods, biting his bottom lip.
“Do you?”
“Yeah,” he agrees. “I think so.”
Alright, I’ll have your babies. I can take one for the team. The team being me. I’m the team. And I love you.
“Yeah?” I grin, shouldering him lightly. “Wanna make a pact?”
“What?”
“If we’re both still single in twenty years, we’ll marry each other?” Lame. I’m so damn lame.
“Sure,” he answers with a laugh.
“Yeah?”
He looks at me out of the corner of his eye, and shrugs all casual. “I could spend forever with you.”
And just like that, gravity’s got nothing on me. I’m soaring, free-falling. Heart on fire. Choking on love.
I could spend forever with you.
Forever wouldn’t be near enough.
I look at him and I don’t know if I’m smiling, or crying, or if I’m even conscious because there’s only him. And even if we don’t mean it in the same way, I’d spend the rest of my life making him happy.
In one way or another, in any capacity, he’ll always be mine.
He laughs a little under his breath when looking at me, before he nudges me with his shoulder. “What? You’re my best friend. Of course, I could. We’re basically attached to the hip already, yeah?”
I snort a laugh. “Yeah.”
“You’ve been really happy today,” he says, still smiling.
I clear my throat, dropping my gaze to my lap. “Yeah, well, I slept like a baby last night. All cocooned by this hot guy I know. And then he fucked me within an inch of my life when I woke up, so…” I shrug, glancing at him. “Life’s good, you know?” I chuckle.
He holds my gaze for a beat, absently rubbing a fist over his chest. “Life’s good,” he echoes.
Kaden and I took a break after a couple of hours of skiing, headed back to the cabin for an early dinner, and then we got ready to head out to the slopes again.
I love night skiing. There’s just something about it. And it’s perfect tonight. The weather’s clear, and as we stop at the top, looking over the valley, the sun is just dipping behind the mountain, leaving the sky red and purple and orange. It’s fucking breathtaking.
Kaden moves ahead of me right up at the edge where he stops, kicks off his skis and takes a few steps further. His cheeks are flushed from extortion and he’s breathing hard.
He’s also breathtaking.
I kick off my board and walk up to him. He glances at me, a wide smile stretching across his face, eyes green and heartbreakingly beautiful.
A strand of hair peeks out under his beanie, licking his forehead before the wind wisps it away.
He’s so stunning, my heart stumbles on itself and my breath gets stuck in my throat.
“This is insane, Seth!” He laughs.
And I feel the words bubbling inside me, trying to get out. I can’t hold them off anymore. I don’t have time to think. My breathing picks up along with my heartbeat.
“Kade.”
He turns his head at me, still smiling so wide, and the words tumble out of my mouth, along with the air in my lungs.
“I’m in love with you.”
My heart’s beating so fast and hard, I feel lightheaded.
Six years of contained and bottled-up feelings, and words and everything I never thought to tell him are spilling out of me.
“I’ve been—” I drop my head back, trying to get air into my lungs but it’s too much, and not enough at the same time. I double over, hands on my knees, letting out a shaky breath.
“What?” His voice is so low, I almost don’t hear it over the blood rushing in my ears.
“Fuck!” I straighten and move my eyes up to his. His breath comes out in small, white clouds.
“I’m in love with you.” I shake my head, shrugging.
“I’ve been in love with you for—” I exhale, trying to get my breathing under control.
“I’m sorry. I never meant to tell you, and I’ve tried—ah, fuck!
” I exhale a chuckle. “I’ve tried so fucking hard, Kade.
But you’re impossible to fall out of love with. You’re—”
“Wait, wait, wh—what do you mean?” he says with a slight shake to his head and a small frown between his brows. “You said you never meant to tell me. What do you mean?”
“I…” The world stops spinning.
“How long… How long have you not told me?”
My exhale’s shaky, my pulse’s running a mile a minute as I just stare at him. And I can’t find a single word to say.
“Like, before this trip?” he asks, searching my eyes.
I open and close my mouth, and drop my gaze.
“Before we started this thing?” he tries, shifting on his feet, and I can’t look at him. “Before COVID? How long, Seth?”
I lift my gaze to his, and whatever he sees in my eyes makes him slowly close his and shake his head.
“I don’t—”
He huffs a breath, taking a step back. “You told me that we were gonna be honest. I said I wanted straight up honesty between you and me, and now you’re—” He licks his lips, shaking his head, and turns his side to me.
“You know I don’t trust people. You know how hard it is for me to trust anyone.
” He shakes his head again. “And now you’re telling me that you’ve been lying to me for, how long?
” He turns back around, locking his eyes with mine.
“Kade—”
“How long, Seth?” he asks, head pushed forward. “How long have you been lying to me? How long has the only person I trusted with my fucking life been lying to my face?”
I flinch. “I wasn’t—Kade, I—What was I supposed to do?” I throw my arms out, shaking my head.
“You were supposed to be honest with me. Like you fucking promised!” He turns around, pulling his beanie off and rakes his fingers through his hair, before he turns back again. “So, what was all of this? You thought getting me into bed was gonna—”
“What?” I exhale. “You think I tricked you into having sex with me? That I used sex to get you—”
“Did you?”
“You came on to me!” I snap. “It was your idea, Kade. All of it, from the beginning.”
“So why the fuck didn’t you say no?” He raises his voice. “When I asked you to be honest with me, when I told you that our friendship means more to me than fucking anything!” He takes a step towards me. “Why didn’t you say no?”
“Because I wanted you!” I yell back. “I’ve been wanting you for so fucking long, and then finally, you wanted me back.” My voice cracks a little, and my vision turns blurry. “And I took whatever I could get. I would’ve given you anything you wanted.”
“I wanted honesty!”
“I’ve been honest, I just—”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” He takes another step forward.
“You call that honesty? I asked you, Seth, point fucking blank, if you wanted out, and you said no. I asked you if you thought that you and me could survive this, and you told me yes. I asked you so many times if there was any reason you thought we should end it, and you looked me in the eye and said no. You. Fucking. Lied.”
I barely see him through my watery eyes. My nose is burning and I try to swallow around the lump in my throat.
I blink once. His chest is heaving and he stares at me, eyebrows low and eyes glassy. I’ve never seen him like this.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt you—”
“Then what were you trying to do by lying to me?”
“Fucking survive, Kaden!” My voice breaks and I throw my arms out before pulling my gloves off and wiping my cheeks. “I was trying to survive. I didn’t lie about it to hurt you.”
He just stares at me, pain written all over his face and I hate myself for that. I drop my gaze to the ground, my hands shaking, and every breath I take feels like fire in my lungs.
“I know I should’ve told you. I know I should’ve said no, and that I should’ve stopped it. I know. But—”
“Then why didn’t you?” he says, shaking his head.
“’Cause I didn’t want to lose you! If I’d told you how I felt, you really expect me to believe that you and I would’ve been the same? I didn’t wanna lose you.”
“Yeah, well…” He shrugs, glancing away.
“What does that mean?”
He doesn’t answer me.
“Kaden, what do you mean?”
He turns to face me and just looks at me, like he doesn’t even know me anymore. Then he swallows, wipes his nose and shrugs again. “I don’t know, Seth. Kinda feels like you just did.”
My heart cracks in two. Three. One thousand pieces.
I swallow again, and wipe my cheeks. “Look, I’ll try harder. When we get back to the city, I’ll get another job. I might need some time to—I’ll do whatever, Kade. Okay? I—Kaden, please.”
He shakes his head before I’ve even finished speaking.
“But you lied to me, Seth. I can’t…” He blows out a breath.
“It’s not about your feelings. It’s not, but you…
I don’t get it.” He shakes his head again.
“How could you stand there and just lie straight to my face? When I gave you so many chances to back out? How could you do that?” He looks at me as if I actually have an answer to give him. I don’t.
“I’m sorry.” My voice breaks and I don’t bother wiping away the tears because they won’t stop coming.
There’s an ache inside me, like I’m cracked open and the freezing air around us seeps in, makes itself at home and turns me cold from the inside out.
There’re no walls left, they’re dust. There’s nothing to keep me from breaking. Nothing to shield me with. I’m flayed open. I’ve given it all. He knows everything.
This is strike three. I’m out.
It’s over.
“So, this is it?” I say, voice tight.
“I guess it is.”
I nod, wiping my nose. My hands are shaking so bad I can hardly put my gloves on. Then I look at him. And every time I do, it’s like I shatter again, and again, and again.
“For what it’s worth, I never lied about anything else. Everything I’ve told you was true, everything about me, and everything—”
“Except this.”
“Except this,” I whisper. He bites his lip, nodding before he turns away from me and quickly brushes a hand under his eye.
I turn around, walk over to my board and clip it on.
“I’m gonna go back to the cabin. I’ll pack my stuff, and sleep at my parents’ tonight.”
He doesn’t answer that.
“I’ll go home with them tomorrow, so…” I wipe my eyes and cheeks. “Will you be okay from here?”
He shakes his head. “I’m fine.” The words are clipped and final.
I make it down to the base before I kick off the board. My hands shaking so badly when I reach for my phone that I drop it in the snow. I pick it up and dial.
“Hey! How’s the trip?” Lou asks when she picks up.
“Lou…” My voice is thick, and I try to swallow but it’s impossible.
“What’s wrong?”
“Lou… I told him. I told Kaden.” I crouch right where I am. Clutching the phone so hard, it should hurt, but I don’t feel it. I don’t feel anything except the aching fucking hole in my chest.
“Oh my god,” she exhales.
I bend over, pressing my forehead to the snow, and cry so hard I can’t breathe. The sounds coming from me are not mine, they’re low and raw and horrible.
“It hurts, Lou,” I sob. “It hurts.” Everywhere. It hurts fucking everywhere. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t move.
“Seth, where are you? Are your parents there? Is there anyone there with you?”
“No... I’m alone.” My voice breaks on a sob. “I’m all alone, Lou!”
“Can you get to the airport? Seth! Can you get to the airport? I’m booking you a ticket.”