CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Bryce
Thirty Weeks ~ Baby is the size of a platypus
Ihaven’t seen this house so full of joy in a long time, which is saying something, since Alex and Delia are two of the most joyful people I know. Even after losing Sarah, they’ve always been able to find the good, find the light, but today… this is a whole other level.
Leanne cackles with laughter beside me, her hand landing on my knee and sending a jolt of electricity through my entire body.
Lacing my fingers through hers, I brush a kiss on her palm.
I’m silently begging her to look at me because I don’t think I’ll be able to breathe until I see the glowing smile on her face right now.
It’s dazzling and bright, pushing her flushed cheeks high and forcing laugh lines into the corners of her eyes. Her blonde hair is curled but pulled up into a high ponytail that swishes down her back, with only small tendrils framing her beautiful face.
I love this woman.
I love her, and it’s getting harder and harder to hold the words in.
“Aww, y’all are too cute,” Becca singsongs from where she’s leaning against the wall, having left the couches open for Leanne’s family and friends. “Kiss, kiss, kiss,” she chants.
The soft pink color that’s always present on Leanne’s cheeks these days turns scarlet as she ducks her chin.
It’s no secret we aren’t just friends now. Although, I don’t think anyone ever believed we were… except Leanne and me—sort of. I don’t think I ever truly believed it either. But we haven’t put a label on it, we just are…
I brush my fingers across her jaw and lift her chin to coast my lips across hers. It’s chaste and sweet, but it promises so much more when we lock eyes. Everything between us promises more.
“That’s it?” Becca scoffs. “Boo, lame.”
The whole room erupts in laughter at her protest.
“Oh, leave ’em alone, Bex,” Will interjects. With a gleam of mischief in his eyes, he continues, “If you want to see kissing, you could come over here and—”
But she narrows her eyes and cuts him off by smacking him upside the head, knocking his baseball cap to the ground to reveal his tousled dirty-blond hair. I wonder if I’ll ever understand these two; why my best friend loves to pick on my “little sister” and why she’s so irked by him.
I roll my eyes and return my attention to the mountain of opened gifts surrounding me and Leanne. “I, for one, feel pretty spoiled, how about you?”
Leanne’s examining the pile of presents as well.
“You guys did way too much,” she says. Her eyes land specifically on Delia, who went all out on this baby shower with the very enthusiastic help of Kimberly and Leanne’s sisters.
There are butterfly decorations everywhere, a nod to the nickname I gave our baby girl but also to the ranch.
The giant box with the crib in it is from her and Alex, along with the dresser and changing table we wanted, which were delivered to my house yesterday.
I tried to insist on Leanne and me buying those things, but they outright refused to hear the word no and bought all the furniture anyway.
“It was our pleasure,” Delia responds, eyes glistening with barely leashed tears.
I know this is hard for her, and for Alex and Becca, but no one else does.
Of course, the four of us and Will are the only people in this room who know how close our family came to welcoming a baby six years ago.
It’s made today bittersweet for me too. We never got to have a shower for Sam.
I never got to see Sarah with a belly this round.
I never got to experience the joy of fully decorating a nursery before.
But I’m getting to do all those things now, and I’m getting to do them with Leanne by my side.
I love Leanne. I love her so damn much. But I can’t tell her yet, because I don’t want to share those words when I’m still holding back about Sam.
I want her to have all of me first, because I think she loves me too and that means she deserves the whole truth before I ask her to give me her whole heart.
But the closer we get to her due date and the further we stray from where we started, the harder it is to tell her.
I’ve waited too long, and now it feels like there will never be a “right” time.
Leanne nudges a basket of clothes with her foot, an array of colors and textures, all of them baby-soft and printed with things like unicorns and flowers. “I think we’re going to be pretty busy getting everything ready over the next ten weeks.”
“You think so?” I quip with a raised brow.
“We’ll help with whatever we can,” Robert pipes in, and there’s a cohesive agreement from both families.
“And I’m all in for babysitting,” Will says.
“Yeah right, I’m not letting you anywhere near my niece,” Becca chirps, and they begin bickering back and forth in the background.
“Who wants cake?” Delia asks, and the group moves as a whole toward the kitchen, leaving Leanne and me for a moment of silence, surrounded by the physical manifestation of the love of our families and friends.
“I can’t believe how much stuff they got us,” she states, scanning the space as she dazedly rubs a blanket against her cheek.
I laugh. “I can.” I slide a hand over her very prominent bump, feeling my baby girl’s elbow skate across my palm. “How are you feeling?”
She grimaces. “Well, that didn’t feel all that great.” She presses her hand over mine. “How is she supposed to grow in there for another ten weeks? I already feel like she’s humongous.”
“I have no idea, but I guess we’ll find out.” Leaning over, I press a quick kiss to her belly. “Let’s get some cake and then we’ll start the lovely process of transferring all this stuff over to my place. We aren’t going to be able to see the floor in the nursery at this rate.”
There’s already boxes piling up from items Leanne and I have purchased, along with gifts from the shower Leanne’s coworkers threw her last Friday. It’s a good thing I don’t have a lot of events in the next few weeks because I have a feeling setting the nursery up is going to be a full-time job.
She sighs and leans back, fingers drumming on her stomach. “Cake sounds good. Doesn’t it, baby girl?”
The resulting kick is clear through her dark green sweater dress. “Looks like a yes to me. You know, we should probably start talking about names.”
Another sigh. “I know. I have a whole list in my phone, but none of them feel right.”
“Same. Want to make a list together tonight?” I ask, drawing my finger across the protruding foot on her belly so it pulls back like I tickled it. What a beautiful miracle.
“Yeah, we better or we’re going to end up as those parents who leave the hospital with a nameless baby.”
“Nah. When we see her, we’ll know. I don’t mind calling her butterfly for a while longer anyway.”
“Me neither, it’s sweet. Never would’ve thought you had it in you, you big softy.” Leanne leans and presses a kiss to my lips, making my hand slide around to grip her hip.
“I’m only a softy for you two. No one else,” I say with a mockingly gruff tone.
“Liar.” She kisses me again.
She’s not wrong, but I growl anyway and try to look menacing.
A throat clears a few feet away and we both glance up to see Kimberly standing in the space between the kitchen and the living room. “Cake is ready.”
Leanne pushes against the armrests of her chair and I reach for her elbow to help her stand. It’s not like she needs it, but I can’t keep my hands off her these days. I want to touch her all the time. I want to be with her all the time. I want her all the time.
“I am so full,” Leanne says, leaning against me while we watch Alex and Delia move piles of gifts to the foyer. “I’m going to run to the restroom before we head out.”
I watch her walk away, barely able to tell from behind that she’s pregnant in her dress; she’s still all stomach.
I make my way into the living room and grab a few boxes of diapers, moving them to the entryway as well.
I look out into the softly falling snow and see Leanne’s car, already warming up for the two-minute drive back to my house.
Robert must have grabbed her keys and turned it on before he and Kimberly left.
I find Alex standing next to Delia in the kitchen, where she’s wrapping up leftover cake as well as some of the Asian chicken salad and sourdough rolls she made for lunch.
“Come here, you,” she says, pressing onto her tiptoes and wrapping her arms around my shoulders.
I lift her off her feet for a second before setting her down. She chortles and pulls back to palm my cheeks, squeezing gently.
“I haven’t seen you this happy in a long time.”
“I am happy. Sometimes I don’t know if I deserve to be, but—”
“You do. Sarah would want you to be. She never would have wanted you to forgo finding love with someone else because you lost her. And she would be so happy to see you becoming a father.” Her eyes fill with tears, and I have to sniff back my own.
She looks around before she says, “The first thing Sarah said after she told me she was pregnant with Sam was how she couldn’t wait to see you holding him.
She knew you would be the best dad, and you will be. ”
I tip my head back and release a quavering breath, losing the battle with my emotions. She’s never told me that before, and the tender ache of love not forgotten twinges in my chest. “Thank you. Both of you,” I say, looking at Alex. “I can’t thank you enough for your support.”
“You don’t have to,” he says, squeezing my shoulder. “Grief never fully leaves us, but it doesn’t have to define us. We can still love them while also making space for new love to come in.”
I suck in a breath and nod as his words settle over me. “After losing Sam, I never thought I’d get to be a dad… I didn’t know it was still something I wanted so badly, and I’m determined not to take this for granted. Having lost everything once… I can’t go through it again.”
“You won’t,” Alex says firmly. He and I both know he can’t guarantee that, but I choose to believe him all the same.
“I really appreciate having y’all’s example to emulate, that you guys took me in and never let me go—even after we lost them both like we did.” I clear my throat hard, needing to say the next words because I don’t say them enough. “I love you.”
Delia’s tears are overflowing now and Alex is nearly there as well, though he’s trying to be tough. Our tight three-way hug is interrupted by the sound of a car door slamming in the distance.
“Is that Rebecca coming back?” Delia asks, pulling away.
I swipe away the last of the tears on my cheeks, figuring Becca will only needle me for them if she sees, then pull Delia under my arm as we walk to the front door.
But it’s not Becca coming back. It’s Leanne leaving.
My brows draw down and I rip the front door open as mud flies from underneath her tires.
She doesn’t look back as she drives away. Leaving me behind.