Chapter 33 Brian
THIRTY-THREE
brIAN
Idrove onto the family ranch, taking the cut in the driveway that ended at the horse barn to avoid going to the house.
I’d come for one purpose. I needed some sense knocked into me, and my twin was the perfect man for the job.
Jake wasn’t sentimental, wasn’t the type to get hooked on a woman, so he’d set me straight in no time.
I parked and walked into the barn. Jake was in a stall grooming the black gelding he often rode around the ranch.
“Hey, grab a brush, would you, and groom Minx,” Jake said when he saw me come in.
“Sure.” I got a bucket of supplies from the tack room and went to work on the paint horse my mother usually rode. “You and Mom go for a ride?”
“Yeah,” Jake replied. “She wanted to see a particular field of wildflowers in bloom. I go with her every year at this time. It’s something she used to do with Dad,” Jake said with no inflection in his voice.
“I didn’t know that.” I picked up the mare’s left front leg and cleaned the hoof.
My brother rarely talked about our dad. Maybe Jake didn’t need to because he lived and worked where our father had.
Marshall Thorne’s essence was in the very walls of the barn.
I didn’t think I could stand to be around it as much as Jake was.
It brought out the guilt, even more poignantly.
But, then, Jake didn’t carry the same burden that I did.
“What brought you out from town?” Jake asked after a few minutes in which we worked in companionable silence.
“I need you to do something for me,” I said. I’d been briefly lost in thoughts of wildflower fields and the connection I’d felt with Caitlin among the Golden Waves. I had to put all that behind me, and Jake was going to help me do that.
“All right, what?” Jake came out of the stall and leaned against the closed door.
“Tell me that I’m a selfish bastard.” Whenever I considered the idea that I could leave my job and responsibilities, that was how I felt.
“I’m not gonna do that without a reason.” Jake studied me.
Dammit, I didn’t want to get into the details on this. “I’m considering resigning as sheriff because I want to go to Austin to be with Caitlin, and that’s selfish behavior. So call me names and talk me out of it.”
“You’re in love with her.” Jake stood still as a statue and his words were more statement than question.
“Yeah, but I was once before, and I got over it,” I said. It had been hard as hell, and this time would be worse since I knew she loved me back, but I was strong. I could do it. “Tell me to keep my ass here and do my job, okay? I need to hear it from somebody.”
“That won’t be me, brother,” Jake drawled. “My advice to you is to go after Caitlin.”
“What the hell? I’m not asking for much. Just say the words, dammit.” The mare shied away from me, picking up on my anger, so I left the stall.
“It’s always been Caitlin for you, since way back.” Jake came closer and put his hand over the stall door to stroke and soothe the mare. “And that’s not going to change.”
“Of course it will. It has to.” Didn’t anyone else see that?
“Why? Think about it, Brian. Could you live with yourself if Caitlin or your baby needed you and you weren’t there for them? Because that’s the choice you’re making right now.”
I didn’t want to hear that line of reasoning. Did Jake think I hadn’t played those scenarios a thousand times in my head?
“Christ, you’re useless. I’m leaving.” I went to stalk past Jake, but my brother stepped into my path, blocking the way.
“You’re one of the good guys.” Jake placed his hands on my shoulders. “And that’s great, but not when it makes you a nearsighted dumbass. Someone else can take care of this town. Or, I guess, you can hope that someone else takes care of Caitlin and your kid.”
I glared at him, hating the thought of being separated from Caitlin and the baby, but it was the only way. “She’s tough. She’ll manage on her own, and I’ll be able to help them when my schedule allows.”
“That’s not good enough.” Jake spoke in a low voice. “What happens if she finds someone else to care for her and your kid, all because you couldn’t trust anyone else to manage the sheriff’s office?”
The thought of Caitlin with a boyfriend, a lover, set my blood boiling. Someone else being my kid’s daddy? Being there in the night to comfort my child? Imagining Caitlin sharing her life and her bed with someone else was like a knife through the heart. I needed to get out of here before I blew.
“Caitlin’s a great woman, pretty and smart. She won’t be alone for long. You willing to let that happen?” Jake asked, tipping my temper over the edge.
“Shut the fuck up!” I tried to shove my way past Jake, but he gripped my shoulders tightly, holding me in place. “You don’t understand what it’s like,” I yelled. “You’ve never been in love. It’s pure hell.”
“I don’t doubt it.” Jake’s voice was calm despite having me scream in his face. “Anything that makes you, of all people, lose control must be something powerful. I’m supposed to be the hothead, remember?”
After a minute, Jake loosened his hold. I slumped back against a stall door and tried to rein in my emotions. I hadn’t acted out like that since I was a kid.
“You better?” Jake remained nearby but out of my personal space.
“No.” I scrubbed a hand over my face and struggled with the rage that was still simmering in me—though thankfully at a low boil now. “Sorry, bro. How the hell did I get myself in this spot?”
“Don’t know, but stay there. I’ll be back.” Jake disappeared into the tack room and returned with a bottle of whiskey. “You might want some of this.”
“Thanks.” I tipped it back and took a swig. I passed the bottle to Jake who drank as well. “For emergencies?”
“Yeah, and sometimes a man just wants a drink by himself. You ready to really talk now?”
“Guess so,” I said. The anger and whiskey still burned through my veins, but I was calmer.
“All right, then. Listen to some reason. Caitlin can’t stay here with the way her family is, so she’s as stuck as you are.” Jake glanced around the barn. “I know a little about being stuck, about a place taking its toll on you, so I get where she’s coming from.”
I took a hard look at my brother. What was Jake saying? That he didn’t want to be running the ranch? That he felt trapped? “Jake—”
Jake waved me off. “We’re talking about you and Caitlin.”
I accepted that for the moment, but decided that on another day I needed to have an honest conversation with him about the role he’d ended up with and how he truly felt about it.
“Give me the bottle, would you?” I took another swig after Jake handed it to me.
“Why Caitlin? Why’d I have to fall for her?
There are lots of nice women in town. If I wanted a relationship, it wouldn’t be hard to find a willing woman who planned to live here forever.
Hell, they’re always leaving me cookies and stopping me on the street. Why not one of them?”
Jake shook his head. “They want you because they want to bag a Thorne brother. And since you’re the good twin, they’d choose you over me any day of the week.” Jake gave a rueful laugh.
“But that’s not Caitlin,” I said. “She doesn’t give a shit about status or my last name or if I’m sheriff.”
“Yep. You don’t find that kind of love every day.
Trust me on that one.” Jake’s expression darkened, making me wonder what was going on with him.
I had been so caught up with Caitlin over the past few weeks that I hadn’t seen as much of Jake as usual.
I’d fix that soon enough. As soon as I resolved the situation with Caitlin.
I thought about everything Jake said, and what Amy had said at the office.
But the loudest voice in my head was Caitlin’s, asking me to move to Austin with her so we could be together.
Why hadn’t I heard her like I should have?
She’d offered everything I’d wanted, and I hadn’t seen it because of my worry about this job.
What the hell was wrong with me? I’d let her leave.
Hell, I’d packed her car for her and watched her drive out of my life when she was everything I’d wanted for so long—and was carrying the child I already loved so much, it made me dizzy.
“I’m a dumbass,” I said.
“Took you this long to figure that out?” Jake picked up the whiskey bottle and took a drink.
“I’ve got to go after Caitlin.” Nothing had ever been so obvious to me. Why couldn’t I have seen that days ago? “I love her, and I can’t let anything get in the way of that.”
Jake slapped me on the back. “Then get the hell out of here and go figure out how to win your woman back.”