Chapter 34
Chapter thirty-four
Audrey
The numbers blur together on the screen, and I lean back, pushing away from my desk with a sigh.
This windowless office feels like it's slowly draining the life out of me, and its only Tuesday.
Needing a break, I pull out my phone and dive into recipes, saving nearly a dozen new dishes I can't wait to try.
I promised Penny I’d have dinner with her tonight, and tried to play it cool, like I wasn’t dying for the weekend to roll back around so I could escape the city and get back to the little town of Roseville.
My phone buzzes and a smile takes over my face.
Rhett: We miss you.
He sends a selfie of him and Mabel on the front porch, a beer in one hand, a tennis ball in Mabel’s mouth.
I sent back a picture of me in my gray office, thumbs down.
Audrey: What’s the plan this weekend?
I sent the text before realizing we never exclusively talked about seeing each other again this weekend. All I knew is I found myself automatically wanting to, picturing myself with him, escaping this sad reality.
Rhett: So, my sister asked if I could watch the girls Saturday night so she can go to a concert…and they asked me if you’d be there. You don’t have to say yes, but I think they’d love it.
In response, I sent a picture of a cake I've been trying to find a reason to make.
Audrey: Only if they will help me make this?
Rhett: First you steal my dog, now my nieces. I can’t compete.
Biting my lip, grinning like a fool, I glance at the clock.
There’s no way I can get myself to write another email or file this report today.
At one point I loved showing up here. Problem solving, seeing my reports in comparison to my peers, overperforming, staying late, doing all the things, and more.
But everything changed. Slowly, then all at once.
So, I slam my laptop shut, grab my purse, and quickly exit the building that was beginning to feel like my prison. Ten minutes later, I see Penny waving at me from a table in the back of the restaurant.
“I didn’t expect you to leave work early.” She stirs her pink cocktail, eyes on me as I unload into the chair across from her.
“I didn’t exactly ask permission. I couldn’t take it anymore. My ability to concentrate these days is gone.” I run my palms down my face as Penny cocks an eyebrow.
“Okay, just say it.”
“Nope.” She picks up the menu, pretending to read it.
“Come on, you can’t do this to me!”
“Ever since you met Red, you’ve…”
Dread coils in my gut. I’m not sure I'm ready to hear this.
“Failed at everything else?” I retort bluntly, but Penny scoffs.
“No, I was going to say you’ve shifted your priorities. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I’m only wondering what you’re going to do about New York.”
The waitress came by to take our orders, giving me a moment to gather my thoughts. I hoped an answer would come to me, but I was still drawing a blank as she walked away.
“I have no idea, Pen. My parents are finally proud of me. My brother sent me a congratulatory text, did I tell you that?”
Penny blinks a few times, clearly as confused as I was about hearing from my brother. It was the first text from him since Christmas.
“That’s great…I guess? But I didn’t know you cared so much about what they thought?”
My breath gets stuck in my chest because the answer wasn’t easy. Not easy to explain, and certainly not easy to navigate.
“Lately, I’ve been feeling like I'm living a double life. One with Rhett that has totally caught me by surprise. Then one where I'm still trying to fit into my family. And for some fucked up reason, I can’t let go of either dream.” Frustration bubbles at the surface but Penny doesn't shy away, she just looks on like a friend who's seen it all.
“Because in my heart I want both to exist. I want them to love me no matter what I chose, or who I chose.”
Pen hands me her napkin before I even realize I’m shedding tears.
“Maybe you can have both,” she offers up, even if she knows that’s naive, and I smile, even if I know it doesn’t reach my eyes.
What a nice dream that would be.