12. Layla #2
“Can we do that?” he asked. “Get to know one another from here? More baby steps?”
I nodded yes, not trusting my voice.
He leaned over, his lips meeting mine again in a sweet kiss that caused another tear to leak out.
“You keep crying every time I kiss you, and I’m likely to develop a complex.”
I wiped my face and took a deep breath, needing to be in this moment and not spoil it with my insecurities. “I promise they’re the type of tears that mean you’re doing it right.”
“Good. Now let’s eat.”
We made small talk throughout the rest of the meal. It felt good to hear him go on about his new, massive remodel project as if this were just an ordinary day, and he was sharing what had happened at his job.
“Can I ask you something?” His question came while he was cleaning up the kitchen, and I remained seated on the sofa. The advantage of a small apartment was you were always within talking distance.
“Yeah. Sure.”
“You mentioned an ex? What happened?”
Hadn’t I been Ms. Nosey in asking him the details about his ex-girlfriend? Seemed only fair I tell him about Chad. “We’d been together almost a year when I got the diagnosis.”
I was about to tell him more about the day Chad and I broke up when Kellan interjected. “How did that happen? The diagnosis.” He walked back into the living room. “Sorry. I don’t mean to interrupt with all of my questions.” His expression was sheepish.
I hated that I’d lied to him. Yes, I could argue semantics, but the fact was that for a full week I hadn’t been truthful about the biggest thing happening in my life, the cancer.
“You don’t need to apologize.” We were playing catch-up on the gaps in our knowledge of each other.
“During a self-breast exam, I noticed a lump. I was na?ve, convinced myself it would be nothing. But I did make the appointment and took time off work to ensure I got a mammogram. The next afternoon I received a phone call telling me I needed to get a biopsy. Forty-eight hours later, I was told I needed to come in for the results.”
“Was your ex with you when you received the news?”
“No. He, uh, had work.” I couldn’t shake the memory of sitting there alone in the doctor’s office, trying to absorb what was going on and wishing Chad had been there.
“In his defense, I didn’t think the initial appointment would go the way it did.
We both led really busy”—superficial, if I was being honest with myself—“lifestyles involving our respective careers. I expected the doctor to tell me the test was benign. I’d read that three in four normally are. And he had an audition.”
Everything that had happened that day had hurt me badly, but it had also illuminated what type of relationship we’d had.
Merely one of convenience. It wouldn’t have been the type to sustain any hardship, that’s for certain.
“I then had to do another biopsy for the lymph nodes to see if it had spread.”
“And it had? That’s the node positive part?”
“Yeah. Two nodes.”
“How did your ex take the news once you told him?”
Oh boy. “I could really use a glass of wine about now.”
“That bad?”
“Cliché bad.” I figured I’d put it out there. Maybe then Kellan could understand why I wasn’t ready to jump back into another relationship. After I relayed the entire thing, I watched his jaw drop.
“You went to tell him you had cancer and found him cheating on you?”
“Yep. Sure did. I have to say, as far as worst days ever, that one is at the top.”
“And this was only a few weeks ago?”
“Almost four weeks ago.” Although it felt like a lifetime ago.
He ran a hand through his hair. “Are you still in love with him?”
I didn’t have to think about it. “No. To be honest, I’m not certain I ever was.
We had fun together, we had similar interests, so at some point it felt logical to become exclusive.
Obviously, he didn’t abide with the exclusive part.
It hurt as I’d trusted him. Not only about being faithful, but also for being the person I could go to who’d be there for me.
He failed me. Ultimately, that means I failed to pick the right person. ”
Kellan took a seat next to me on the sofa, careful not to jostle me. I swear the man was always considerate.
“I get it. Believe me, I do.”
Out of anyone, I guessed he would, since he’d been cheated on himself. “I don’t miss him. I blocked his calls and refused to see him again before I left.”
What I didn’t reveal was how much I had missed Kellan over the past few days.
What did that say about me? I’d dated someone a year and didn’t miss him, but I thought all the time about a person I’d just met.
My quickly deepening emotion for Kellan had to be due to my circumstances, I supposed.
After all, I didn’t have a busy job or other daily routine to distract me.
As far as I was concerned, this was all the more reason to avoid becoming hyper-focused on him.
Because it would be very easy to do that.
“I’m glad you told me,” he said.
“Me too. To be honest, even if the cheating hadn’t happened, we wouldn’t have gotten through this.
It would’ve been too much for him. For sure, my ex would’ve tipped over the edge when I told him I was going to freeze my eggs.
” We’d never discussed having kids, and I was certain the idea of me preserving my fertility would’ve sent him running for the hills.
“Did you freeze them because of the treatment?”
“Yeah. The radiation and chemo can do a number on fertility. Truth be told, I’m not sure if I want to have kids or not, but I didn’t like having the decision taken away from me. So, I went through fertility treatments to harvest some eggs.”
“Makes sense to me.”
My eyes remained on his. “It doesn’t freak you out?”
“Not at all. The fact that you and your doctors were thinking ahead to preserve a choice for your future is important.”
I was shocked by his thoughtful response.
He must’ve noticed my expression was off. “It’s a normal thing to consider before starting cancer treatment, is it not? There’s a big difference between freezing your eggs to preserve future choices and asking someone to become your baby daddy.”
“That’s true.”
“So, after the worst day ever, you decided to move?”