Unraveled

Layla

Chapter Sixteen

On Monday morning, I took my small lunch sack filled with crackers, granola bars, and a water bottle, and met the Uber out front to drive to the hospital. It wasn’t until I walked in through the front door I started to get really nervous.

And emotional. Fuck.

Where was this anxiety coming from? After taking a deep breath, I blew it out slowly and reminded myself this is what I’d wanted. To do this alone. Yet fear was setting in. I didn’t know what to expect from pumping my body full of this life-saving, cancer-killing poison.

Taking out my phone, I saw a text message from Kellan. Although I knew he was working today, it was nice he was thinking of me.

“You there at the hospital yet?”

“Yes. Just arrived.”

“You okay?”

Nope. I hesitated, not wishing to lie, but also not wanting to worry him. I must’ve taken too long in my response as the phone rang, showing his number.

“Hello.”

“Hi. You okay?”

I blew out a breath. “Yeah. I have a case of first-time jitters, but I’ll be fine.”

“Do you wish I would’ve come with you?”

Yes. “I didn’t want you to take off work.”

“That’s not an answer to my question, gorgeous. If I could be there with you, would you wish I was?”

“You’re on the Eastside at the jobsite, and I’ll be fine.”

“I’m taking your avoidance to my second question as a maybe.”

“Kellan, I recognize how much this house renovation means to your business. And this is only the first of many appointments. You can’t hold my hand through everything.” And I couldn’t go and get used to him holding it.

“But what if I want to? What if I told you that on the off chance you’d be hit with first-time jitters, I drove to the hospital and am here right now?”

My gaze searched the massive lobby and spotted him standing on the far side of the room near the elevators for the oncology floor. “Really?”

He nodded, giving me a megawatt smile and hanging up his phone.

My footsteps took me closer to him, while the entire room faded away. It was as if he caused the temperature to spike and everyone else to cease to exist.

“Hi,” I greeted on a whisper, emotion clogging my throat.

“Hi.”

“You’re supposed to be at work.”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I know you said you’re not nervous, but hell, I am. And I didn’t want to spend the day not knowing what you’re going through and if you’d wish I was here with you.”

Admittedly, I’d experienced a sense of déjà vu when I’d walked into the building.

I’d told my family and Kellan that I’d be fine exactly the way I’d told Chad I’d be fine the day I’d gone in for the results of my biopsy.

He hadn’t been there for me, yet here was Kellan in case I’d changed my mind.

“I lied. Or at least I convinced myself I didn’t need anyone.

When I walked through the doors, I started to feel anxious. ”

“And now?”

“I felt better the moment I laid eyes on you.” It might scare me, but it was the truth.

His kiss was quick. “Right back at you. I was feeling anxious, too. Look, I can leave now, or I can see you get started here? If you get sick of me, you can kick me out.”

Although he’d shown up unannounced, I appreciated he was still giving me a choice. “You have a lot of other things—”

He cut me off. “I don’t. You. I have you on my mind today. If anything, you’re saving me the pain of hitting my thumb with a hammer or sawing off a finger because I’d be so distracted thinking about you.”

I had to swallow my emotions at the thoughtfulness of this man. He’d come into my life at the most unexpected time and yet brought me such unbelievable joy and hope for the future. “I’d hate for you to lose any of your talented fingers.”

“You and me both.”

And because worrying about his work was partially a diversion for my real worry, I blurted it out. “I don’t know if I want you seeing me like this.”

“Why not?”

“So many reasons.” Most of which I couldn’t begin to talk about now.

The least of which was that I knew I wouldn’t be a good patient.

I wouldn’t be that woman ready to do the walks for cancer or who tattooed a perfect pink ribbon on her body.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to let him see that side of me.

“Give me one.”

“Because this is about as unsexy as it gets. And having you witness it—” I searched for the right words.

“Leaves you feeling vulnerable?” he finished.

My head nodded yes. “It’s too much reality.”

I didn’t expect him to flash me a slow, lazy, panty-dropping grin. “Don’t you know reality is where the good stuff is?”

“You’re crazy.” I was smiling as I said it and probably just as insane for hoping this thing we’d started had any chance of working.

Both of us were zero-for-one when it came to relationships.

On top of that, we’d only started this as a one-night stand.

Add the cancer to that mix, and it was clear the odds were stacked against us.

Yet there was a piece of me that wanted to ignore all of the warning signs. Jump off the deep end and say fuck it on the way down. I tamped down on the urge. I couldn’t afford to be swept off into a fairy tale.

“Better crazy than stupid enough to miss out on the opportunity to be with the girl of my dreams.”

How did I possibly have a chance against a line like that? “You keep saying amazing things like that and I’m likely to start crying in the lobby. I want you there. At least to start. We’ll play the rest by ear.”

He grinned. “Let’s do this. Shall we?”

I took a deep breath, the anxiety having eased but not dissolved completely. “Yes.”

His hand held mine to the elevator and up to the oncology department. My butt hadn’t even hit the waiting room seat before I was called.

A young nurse with deep bronze skin and big brown eyes smiled at me. “Layla Olson?”

“Yes. That’s me.”

“Come on back. I’m Sara, and I’ll be your nurse today.” She glanced between Kellan and me, prompting him to introduce himself.

“I’m Kellan. Layla’s, uh, friend.”

My brow rose as I wondered how I felt about the label of uh, friend. I should have been relieved he hadn’t made the jump to boyfriend.

“After we get your vitals and blood work done, we’ll head up to the infusion room. Dr. Frost will come by in a few minutes to talk to you about the treatment today.”

Thirty minutes after getting my blood drawn, after which I waited in the lab, I was led one floor up.

We followed Sara into the infusion room, which was small and private. Not all chemo places had privacy, so I counted myself fortunate. I also liked the large comfy chair in which I could spend the next few hours.

“We have some pre-medications along with the steroids Dr. Frost spoke to you about. Those will be administered first. They will help you with nausea and other side effects.”

She hooked up my port, while I tried not to feel insecure about Kellan seeing the weird plastic tube protruding from my upper chest. He wanted reality. This was it. In color.

He took one of the visitor’s chairs and moved it beside mine to look at the Netflix I had cued up on my iPad. “Game of Thrones season seven?”

“Yep, trying to refresh my memory before the next season starts.” That should take my mind off of things.

During the entire five hours I was there, Sara was amazing at explaining all of the steps and taking care of me.

By the time I was finished with my first chemo cocktail—during which I’d sucked on half a dozen fudgesicles in case of mouth sores—I was weak and nauseous.

I was given telephone numbers to call in case of vomiting or high fever and strict instructions to flush twice anytime I used the toilet.

Basically, I was to ensure none of my bodily fluids touched someone else.

That meant no more kissing for the next few days.

Not that kissing was the first thing on my mind as I walked out of the hospital on shaky legs with Kellan’s help.

But it was a reminder of how un-relationship-y this chemo thing was.

Kellan had been incredible throughout the day.

He’d kept me laughing, engaged in Game of Thrones, and most importantly, he kept my mind off of the poison feeding into my body.

I was also grateful he’d been there to listen to all of the details of after-care.

My mind shut down about midway through the lecture. By then, I felt fuzzy.

When I arrived home, Patty was already there, greeting us in the parking lot.

She went along with Kellan into my apartment, where she readied my bed and took out some ice chips.

I was beyond exhausted and said very little before climbing beneath the cool sheets and shutting my eyes.

I’d told him to go home, but when I woke hours later, I found him snoozing on the living room couch.

“Hi,” I greeted, finding my voice rough. I had a metallic taste in my mouth and absolutely no appetite for anything, but I forced myself to the kitchen to drink some Gatorade. It was important I stay hydrated.

He practically jumped up. “Hi. How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?”

“No. I’m okay.”

“The side effects?”

“Metal taste, nausea, and little appetite. But otherwise, doing okay so far.” I glanced at the microwave clock. “It’s after nine o’clock. You should get home.” I tried not to sound ungrateful, but about now was when I wouldn’t be very good company.

He walked over, looking rumpled yet incredibly handsome. “Are you kicking me out, babe?”

My lips twitched. “I’m telling you to get some real sleep as you have a busy week of work ahead of you.” I could imagine all of the extra hours he’d need to put in after missing today.

“How about I worry about that? Can I make you anything to eat?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“This is the point where I say you should eat, you tell me you’ll eat when you’re damn well ready to, and we have our first fight?”

A giggle bubbled up from my throat. “We could do that.”

His eyes danced with mischief. “Or—hear me out—you could eat a couple of crackers to make me feel better, and we could avoid an argument. I’d rather wait, so we can make out during the subsequent makeup.”

I was shaking my head while reaching for the Ritz crackers. “Sounds as if you’ve given this a lot of thought.”

He grinned. “I’m always thinking of you.”

God, he was sweet. “Thank you for being there today.” I swallowed hard and admitted it. “I’d thought I’d be okay to go through this alone, but I was wrong.”

His thumb caressed my face. “No, you weren’t.

Russ once called you a badass, and I believe it.

You would’ve made it through this, but know you don’t have to.

I understand you don’t want to hurt your mom’s feelings, so only Russell and Patty are aware I went with you today.

And I can continue to go with you, if you wish. ”

“I can’t ask you to take off work every three weeks for this.”

“You’re not asking. I’m offering. I want to be there for you. Now, eat your crackers like a good girl.”

I held one up. “What if I’m tempted to be bad instead?”

Only this man could manage to make me flirt the night of chemo.

He flashed me a mischievous grin. “We’ll save that for date night. What do you think about two and one half weeks from now? It’s your window for feeling your best, right?”

I sure hoped so. “That’s what I hear. Why, what do you have in mind?”

“My cousin Becky’s wedding is down in Portland on Saturday, September twentieth. We could go and make a weekend of it.”

It would, in fact, be the weekend before my next chemo appointment.

Spending a couple days in Portland sounded like something two people who were dating would do.

Except what if I wasn’t feeling better? What if I lost my hair?

What if it wasn’t my window? So many insecurities overwhelmed me.

Yet I craved that normalcy. To be Kellan’s date at a normal wedding where I sipped normal champagne and forgot about having cancer.

So, I forced myself to swallow down my worry and hoped Patty was correct about getting a few days of feeling better.

“It should be the best timing. But does your cousin know you’re bringing a date? Didn’t you already RSVP?”

“My sister was supposed to bring a date but now isn’t. So, the plus one can be transferred to me.”

I took a deep breath. People returned to workdays after chemo. Moms took care of their kids. I could attend a wedding. “In that case, it’s a date.”

He grinned. “Good. Did I mention there may be a direct linkage between the number of orgasms you’ll receive and the number of crackers you eat?”

You’d better believe I shoved the cracker into my mouth.