Layla
Chapter Nineteen
As I watched Kellan leave the room, my jaw ached from clenching it so hard. Of course, it didn’t take much to develop an ache given my teeth were extra sensitive, but it beat biting my tongue—something I also wanted to do. Anything to keep from saying what I was really feeling.
Hearing Jack assume the blonde was Kellan’s girlfriend had been like a punch to the gut.
Clearly, his ex showed up often enough at the jobsite to make his coworkers believe the two of them were together.
But the bigger part of my urge to flee was being afraid of trusting him, and becoming too attached.
I was petrified that if I came to rely on him too much, I’d come across as needy and dependent.
I’d also risk something I couldn’t afford to lose.
Not my heart. If Kellan came up short, my heart would hurt, but it could take a beating if it needed to.
My body was already going through hell, so that wasn’t it either.
No, it was my spirit hanging in the balance.
If I let myself completely fall for him, if I let my feelings grow any deeper, and he realized this was too much, I risked losing hope.
I’d lose the fighting spirit I desperately needed in order to get through the next few months.
I was so incredibly fragile I worried I’d break at the slightest change of heart.
Although I didn’t doubt Kellan’s sincerity in wanting to be in a relationship, I had a hard time believing that a month or so from now he would still feel the same way. So I’d panicked. I’d asked him to take me home.
Now, standing alone in his bedroom, I had to bite my lip to keep from crying.
I had to fight the disappointment that he’d respected my boundaries and done as I’d asked instead of insisting I stay.
My indecision served as a reminder. I didn’t know my own mind right now.
I gathered my things up into my bag, unable to keep the tears at bay any longer.
The sound of footsteps alerted me he’d come back.
I couldn’t face him. Couldn’t let him see how much I struggled with this.
“I’m sorry, Layla. I pushed after I said I would be okay with going slow.”
“I’m sorry I can’t offer more.” I wished I could, but the risk was too high. My emotions too unreliable.
“It’s enough. Your company. Your smile. Dating you. I shouldn’t have made it seem like it wasn’t. Again, I’m sorry. I wish you would stay, but I understand if you don’t want to.”
I took a deep breath and turned to see him standing there, his hands tucked into his pockets.
What was I doing? I didn’t want to end this.
But I needed some breathing room. Room where I didn’t have to feel the weight of something serious.
I had to wait until I wasn’t in the middle of falling apart.
“I want to stay. Just no more talk about relationships. I’m not ready. ”
“Can I ask if it’s because of your ex?”
It was a fair question. One he deserved answered. “Not in the way you’re thinking. I’m not hung up on him. But I have a hard time with trust.”
He swallowed hard. “I’d never cheat on you, but I get it.”
“It’s not that.” I had no doubt he was the faithful type, especially since he’d been cheated on himself.
“It’s more that I can’t trust my feelings aren’t affected by the cancer and chemo.
I’m not able to handle the pressure of starting a relationship when I’m a big, giant ball of emotions I can’t seem to control.
I can’t describe it in any other way. I care about you, Kellan, but I need to get through these next few months before I can take the next step. ”
He nodded. “I didn’t mean to put more on you right now, of all times. I’ll dial it back a notch. Okay?”
“All right. Thank you.” Needing to change the subject, I took a deep breath. “How about you show me the floors? Did you do the same color you did in here?”
He appeared relieved by the new topic. “I did. The shoe molding isn’t in yet. But the floors came out really nice.” He took my hand and led me down the stairs.
“Did I mention you do good work?” The floors gleamed, making the room appear bigger.
“Thank you. Fortunately for me, Jack had time today. Instead of my wasting a full day, this turned into a half-day project.”
“You look tired,” I commented, rubbing his back. Considering the amount of hours he was putting in, I couldn’t blame him. Yet he always made time for me. Whether it was a text, phone call, or bringing me food, he made it happen. It made me feel guilty for not being able to give him more.
“I’m fine. I’ll feel better after a shower.”
I laughed, thinking it would make me sleepy. “Oh, yeah, a hot shower after a long day’s work will perk you up?”
He grinned. “Probably not. Sorry I’m not better company.”
I gestured to my ensemble of yoga pants and a T-shirt. “Well, I was about to go out and party, but you’re really cramping my style.”
He chuckled, putting his arm around me. It felt good to be back to the easy, casual stuff where we could joke around.
“Full disclosure. The weekend of the fantasy football draft was the first time I’d been out in months. I’m sort of a homebody when I’m not working.”
After being with Chad, who’d been the opposite, and having to work myself most Saturdays, the idea of a homebody was refreshing. “I’m digging that.”
“You don’t miss the more glamorous night life?”
“I miss having more to do or places to go, but I’d take Target as a destination at this point.” Or maybe I could drop by his jobsite to bring him food. Luckily, I kept that thought to myself. I couldn’t go telling him I wanted to slow down, but turn around and act all territorial.
“Anytime you want to head to Target, I’m your guy.”
I smiled, wrapping my arms around him and hoping this really was enough for him. That he meant it when he said he would be okay with taking things slowly.
Three days later, I was back at Kellan’s place on a Wednesday night to meet him for dinner. It had felt good to have an excuse to drive somewhere and have a reason to dress up. Although jeans and a button-down shirt were debatable dress-up attire, it was better than my sweats.
After last weekend’s flare up, he’d backed off as he’d promised.
Instead of seeing me, he’d been working a lot of hours.
I couldn’t help feeling as though I’d ruined some of the easy connection we’d had.
On a daily basis, I entertained second thoughts about waiting to commit.
I certainly didn’t want to lose a great guy like Kellan.
Meeting me at his front door, he flashed me a grin. “I’m gonna jump in the shower, then we’ll order in dinner. How does that sound?”
“Great.”
He dropped a kiss on my forehead and went upstairs.
He left me standing there and remembering that only a little over two weeks ago I’d joined him in the shower. But now. Now I felt a little lost. Then again, we didn’t have to have sex. I could simply pleasure him.
With my newfound idea in mind, I went upstairs, waiting on the bed. Once I heard the shower turn off, I walked into the bathroom and took in the image of him drying off his naked body. God, I’d missed touching him.
He turned around, startled to see me. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
“You okay?”
“Uh-huh. I’m enjoying the show.”
He actually blushed, tucking the towel around his waist. “Is that so?”
“Yeah.” I walked toward him, my hands reaching for his towel.
“What are you doing?”
“I want you.”
“Pardon?” His voice sounded disbelieving and higher than normal.
“I want you in my mouth.”
Concerned eyes met mine. “Layla—you don’t—”
“—have to. I know. I want to.”
He was hesitating, making me uncharacteristically insecure.
“Unless you’re not into the idea—”
He snagged my hand, putting it over his hardened cock. “Does it feel like I’m not into the idea? Give me some slack, babe. I just don’t know if this is a great idea yet. I’m a bit caught off guard, to be honest.”
I curled my fingers around his hardening length, enjoying the way he closed his eyes and let out a groan of pleasure. “I don’t think I’m up for sex, but it doesn’t mean I can’t taste you.”
“Are you sure?” he whispered, always the considerate gentleman.
“Yes. I want it to be as it was before.” I was more than anxious. But I didn’t think sinking to my knees would be possible on the hard floors. “How about we both get on the bed?”
He followed me out into the bedroom, but instead of doing as I requested, he crossed to his dresser to get boxers.
“What are you doing?”
His face looked pained while he quickly put them on. “I know you think you’re up for this, but I’d rather wait another week to be certain.”
“What?” Tears threatened to fall.
He crossed over the few steps to take my hands in his.
“Yesterday you told me how sensitive your teeth are. How your jaw aches. How your bones hurt. A couple days ago, I almost ruined the weekend because I was pushing too much on the relationship aspect. I think we should wait on doing anything physical.”
I’d never been turned down when offering something sexual. Especially a blow job. Never. The rejection stung incredibly hard. Had I been less insecure, I could have appreciated his thoughtfulness, but in this moment I could only feel his refusal. “I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want to.”
He led me over to the bed, putting me next to him. “I know.” He blew out a breath. “But I don’t want you to do something you’re not ready for.”
I stood up, feeling defensive and vulnerable. “I can decide if I’m ready. But it’s clear you’re not. So…” I wasn’t sure what to do, but once again, flight was on my mind. Dammit, was it the chemo making me this unstable? I sure hoped so.
He tugged on my wrist, pulling me back to him. “Layla, you’re still the sexiest woman I’ve ever known. Not even cancer has a chance of diminishing that, I promise you.”
“Then why are you rejecting me?” The truth floated around in my brain, telling me my mouth was indeed sore. My bones did hurt. Yet I’d been willing to ignore both for the chance to get things somewhat back to what we’d had. “Sex was an important part of what we started,” I admitted out loud.
“You’re right. It was, but it wasn’t all we had. The sex was undeniably hot, and I have no doubt it will be again. But if you somehow think you need it in order to hold on to me, you’re wrong.”
I fought my irritation at his words, aware that there was a lot of truth behind them. “Don’t read into my motivations.”
He leaned forward. “Tell me I’m wrong.”
I couldn’t. Especially after hearing Jack think Carly was Kellan’s girlfriend last weekend.
It was still eating at me. Maybe I thought if I could give him pleasure, I could feel more secure in the non-relationship I’d elected.
It said a lot about how I weighed my value.
Almost like if I couldn’t provide sex, I was somehow diminished.
A tear slipped down my cheek, which he rubbed away with a stroke of his thumb.
“Rushing into something you think I need before you’re ready would be a disservice to both of us. We’ll get there. I promise,” he said.
I swallowed hard. “How can you be certain?”
He grinned. “Because simply kissing you gives me a rush unlike anything else. You’re the best part of my day.”
Shit. He would have to say the perfect thing. “You’re the best part of mine, too.”
“Good, come downstairs and get a movie started. I’ll order takeout.”
Even though his suggestion might not be what I wanted, it sounded as if it was what I actually needed.