Unraveled

Layla

Chapter Twenty-Seven

If I’d thought the depression had been debilitating before, the realization Kellan had left and I’d broken things off triggered a new low and a fresh round of sobs. But I did take his advice and turn on my phone. My brother’s last text was in all caps.

The text was from five minutes ago. I couldn’t talk, but I didn’t want him driving two hours south, in which case I’d have to see him face-to-face.

“Can’t we text instead?”

“NO.”

Evidently, he wasn’t done using the shouting all-caps lock to convey how upset he was. As I dialed his number, I braced myself.

Russ answered on the first ring. “Hey.”

“Hi.” My voice broke on the one syllable.

“I’m getting in my truck anyhow.”

“No. Don’t. I won’t let you in.”

“What happened?”

“I can’t talk about it.”

“Your hair?”

“Yep.” Please don’t say it’ll grow back. Please don’t tell me I’m being stupid.

“I’m sorry.”

My response was sobs.

Aside from cursing under his breath, he simply waited me out.

Finally, after a long time, I was able to talk. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m being stupid.”

“No. You’re not. What can I do?”

There lay the problem. There wasn’t a thing he could do. There was nothing anyone could do. “Nothing. I think I broke up with Kellan,” I admitted in a shaky voice.

“If it’s about him coming in with his key, you should know it’s my fault. I convinced him he should.”

“It’s not just that.” Although Russ’s admission did help me understand why Kellan had come in after I’d asked him not to.

“You two will work it out.”

I wasn’t sure I believed him.

“At some point, you’ll look back on this and see it as a bump in the road. I truly believe that. So do you.”

It felt so insurmountable in this moment that I wasn’t sure. “I hope so.”

“You want me to come down?”

“No. What I need is to get a good night’s sleep. Maybe in the morning I’ll be in a better head space.”

“Promise you’ll text me in the morning. Okay?”

“I promise. Good night.”

“Night.”

The next morning, I woke with a pounding headache. Evidently sobbing wasn’t good for the body. I lay there for a few minutes before I grabbed for my phone. All I saw was a text from my brother reminding me to let him know when I woke up.

I fired off a reply quickly before walking into my bathroom. There was the mess of my hair as I’d left it. I avoided my reflection in the mirror and quickly cleaned up the sink and vanity, shoving the hair into my trash. At least there weren’t new tears. Perhaps I was all cried out.

Or not, because as soon as I thought about Kellan, the dam broke again. But instead of calling him, I called the one person I was hoping could help me with this. Patty.

Although she wasn’t scheduled to come until next Monday after my chemo, she arrived in twenty minutes. If she was shocked over my hack job of a haircut, she hid it carefully. Her expression was full of sympathy.

“You all right, honey?” She took a seat next to me on the couch where I sat with my feet curled up under me.

“Nope. Not even a little.” I dumped my entire night on her in one upchuck of information. I was spiraling, and this was only the beginning. I wished I could be like her. A fighter. An inspiration. Someone who inspired hope. The pink breast cancer pin on her scrubs made me shake my head.

“What is it?”

“Your pin. The symbol of breast cancer awareness. It never dawned on me until now how neat and pretty it is. So commercial with the perfect little loop and ends. All I can think about is I’m nothing like that tidy symbol. Instead, I’m an unraveled version of a pink ribbon.”

“We’re all like that at one point or another.

There are horrible lows through this process, and emotions you can’t control because of the chemicals flowing through your body.

Add to that the stress of having cancer and all of the losses, such as your breasts and now your hair.

But don’t add a boyfriend to the things to grieve. ”

More tears broke free as insecurity caused my next words. “He’s better off without me. Without having to ride this roller coaster. I’m a fucking hot mess. And I’ve hurt him when he’s been nothing but supportive.”

“You’re not a mess. You’re human. You’re also beautiful with or without the hair. You have to know he believes that, too.”

Perhaps. “He hasn’t called or texted me.” I couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t as if I’d given him any reason to keep trying.

“I’m sure he’s giving you a little space before he tries again.

Now then, you know what would make you feel better?

How about a shower? I can shave your head so it makes things even.

Just think of how much time you’ll save without having to do your hair.

I have to admit it’s why I’ve kept mine short after all these years.

Frankly, I got used to not having to spend any effort on it. ”

My very first smile in days came out. “A shower sounds good. Thanks, Patty.”

Later that night, I still hadn’t gotten up the nerve to call or text Kellan.

After not hearing from him all day, I wondered if he might be cutting his losses.

Self-doubt was the enemy, and right now it was kicking my ass.

I was about to call it a night and cry myself to sleep when I did receive a text.

It was from Kellan, and it contained several photos.

My jaw about dropped. The first photo showed him. He appeared to be sitting in a barber’s chair, and he was bald. The second photo was also of him but included Russell and my father. They were all equally bald and smiling for the camera. The message said, “we’re with you in this fight.”

Forget tears, I went straight into ugly cry mode. I only stopped for the knock at the door. “Who is it?” I called out.

“It’s me. Please let me in.” Desperation. That’s what I heard in Kellan’s voice. I recognized the emotion because I could feel it, too. I was desperate to let him in and have his arms around me. For him to tell me it would be okay despite neither of us being able to guarantee that fact.

After I opened the door, my mouth hung open at the picture he made without hair. Despite the shocking difference, he remained the handsomest man I’d ever known.

His expression didn’t change upon taking in my own hairless image. Instead, he simply pulled me into him.

He backed me into the room, kicking the door closed with his foot.

“I’m not sure what you see in me. I’m a mess, Kellan. An absolute mess.”

He pulled back to stroke my face. “If you’re a mess, then you’re the most beautiful mess ever.”

I scoffed and saw his jaw clench.

“If you want to push me away, fine. Keep pushing, babe, but I’m not going very far.

You may think this is the best thing for us—that somehow you’re releasing me from some burden you’ve imagined because some asshole didn’t love you the way I do.

That’s fine. I’ll take the hit. I’ll take it all, because I believe this is just a temporary roadblock.

But the one thing you need to believe, if nothing else, is you are not this cancer.

You aren’t a mastectomy, you aren’t the woman without hair.

This does not define you, nor does it somehow devalue your worth. I wish you could see what I do.”

“What do you see?” Tears were streaming down my face, my voice barely a whisper.

“I see a fighter. A woman who seems to think she’s in this battle alone because she doesn’t believe she’s worth fighting for if she doesn’t look like a runway model or can’t have sex.

I’m here to tell you differently. I’m in this with you—whether you choose to believe it or not.

I’m here for you. Your parents are here for you.

Your brother is here for you. And not out of some obligation, but because you’ve made our lives richer for being in this world.

Do you know what I told your brother the day of your surgery?

What I told him to convince him to give me a chance to see you? ”

I’d always wondered. “What?”

“I told him I thought you were the one. Now I don’t think it, I know it. I love you, Layla. I don’t care if it’s only been a couple of months, and this seems quick. It’s the simple truth. And I refuse to accept your breakup proposal.”

My eyes rounded in surprise at his declaration.

But I realized it truly was that simple.

I was in love with him, too. Maybe it was fast according to some.

Maybe it was due to my heightened emotions from the cancer.

But I didn’t think so. And I could no longer fight it. “I love you, too. I just thought you—”

“Nope. You don’t get to tell me how you think I should be feeling. Do you love me less because I shaved my head?”

“No, of course not.”

“Why would I love you less because the package you come in is going through hell right now?”

“I’m sorry.” I said it sincerely as he wrapped his arms around me in a soul-searing hug.

“Apology accepted. Don’t break up with me again, okay? I have a bet with your brother that we’d last a lot longer, and I’d hate to lose.”

I stepped back, laughing through the tears and giving his arm a swat. “You always know what to say to put a smile on my face.”

His expression turned serious. “You put one on mine every day, so it’s only fair. It’s okay for you to feel insecure, to have doubts, or to curse the fates. Just talk to me.”

“It’s only hair, and I didn’t think it would hit me this hard.”

He kissed my forehead. “Don’t diminish your feelings. This poison you’re putting in your body is causing you to lose your hair. It’s as big as it makes you feel. But let me be there for you through this.”

“What do I give in return, though?” Although I was starting to realize how much I let my insecurities define me, I also felt a lack of reciprocation in this relationship. “Who gets to be there for you?”

“You’ve given meaning to each day and ensure I don’t take anything for granted again.

Thanks to you, I put the past where it belongs, along with the anger I’d had toward my cousin.

You made me see how trivial it was to harbor those feelings.

I see our future together. One day, you and I will look back on this quarrel as the thing that solidified our relationship. ”

“I don’t know how I got so lucky.”

“I ask myself the same question every day. Now then, I’m not the only one here. You ready to see your family?”

“What?”

“We were all worried. And we all wanted you to know you’re not in this alone.”

I fought my panic. “I really can’t believe you all shaved your heads.” I ran my hand over the smooth surface of his, missing his thick hair already. At the same time, his action made me even more deeply in love with him. “When did this happen?”

“I drove up to Bellingham today, and we all went to the barber, before driving back down here.”

“I’m sorry.”

He cut me off. “There’s nothing to be sorry for. I should’ve handled it differently last night. I promised I’d be supportive of you having your space, but when it came down to it, I wasn’t. I shouldn’t have invaded your right to privacy.”

“Maybe not, but I believe your intentions were good.” It wasn’t as if I hadn’t invited him to cross boundaries before: in my hospital bed the day of my surgery or my first day of chemo.

He always had good intentions because he had a good heart driving him.

“Do you really have a bet with my brother about lasting a certain duration?”

“I do, but to be fair, he didn’t bet against it. I said, ‘I bet we last forever,’ and he replied with something to the effect of ‘don’t tell her yet, or you’ll have her running for the hills.’”

Once upon a time I might have been. “I’m not running. And it’s not just because my hips hurt.”

Now it was his turn to throw his head back and laugh. “That’s how I prefer my women. Unable to run from me.”

I returned his laugh. “I need to find a wig I can wear for our trip up to Orcas Island. Maybe I should try being a blonde for a while?”

“A wig would work, but we don’t have to go anywhere if you feel more comfortable staying home?”

I didn’t wish to sit home for the next few months, wallowing in self-pity. “I want to go. I need to. I just have to keep telling myself it’s only temporary. But what will you say about your bald head?” At least I could hide mine.

“It’s nobody’s business. And for the record, you could show up looking like you do and still be the most beautiful woman in the room.

It’s unfair, really. Despite your shaved head, you remain gorgeous.

Makes your big green eyes stand out more.

The same cannot be said for your brother, however. That dude has one lumpy head.”

I chuckled and then sighed. “I guess he’ll have me to blame for not getting laid over the next couple of months.”

He scoffed and walked toward the front door. “Please. Shaving your head for your sister’s cancer should trump the lumps and get him plenty of girls. He’ll be begging to go with you for your appointments so the nurses can see him.”

Kellan opened the door to reveal my family.

My tears immediately flowed when I spotted Russ first. He enveloped me in a big hug, running his hand over my head while I did the same to his.

Next came my father, who had tears in his own eyes while he hugged me.

But nothing could’ve prepared me for my mom.

Without hair. I mean she had some. But it was in the shortest pixie cut known to man.

She’d cut off her sophisticated, chin-length bob.

“Mom. Your hair? Why?”

Since she was a woman who always exhibited the most perfect style, I was in shock she’d do this.

“Because it’s only hair. What matters most is for you to believe we’re all with you in this. That you trust I will always be on your side and supportive of you.”

She hugged me fiercely. It seemed like an apology for all the years she’d focused on the material things.

“I love you,” I whispered.

“I love you, too.” She leaned back to cup my face. “And you’re still beautiful. Very Demi Moore, like in the Navy SEAL movie she did.”

I smiled at her comparison. “Yours is very Jamie Lee Curtis. Sexy.”

She beamed. “It’s what your father said, too. Oh, we have cake. Sugar-free cake. Because nothing makes you feel better than cake.”

Nothing, except the realization that my family and Kellan were invested in this fight with me. Not even cake would ever top that.