Chapter 5 #2
He grimaced, picking up his wine glass. “I mean no offense when I say this, nor do I deny the metaphor as valid, but that’s not exactly accurate.
They’re swaying because they’re tracking movement.
They have poor vision for still objects but good motion detection, so, when they rock side to side, they're keeping a moving target in focus. The hypnotized prey is often just frozen in fear. A common prey response to predators.”
She stared at him before barking out a laugh. “How in the world do you know that?”
“I had a role in a jungle adventure movie a few summers back. I like to learn as much as I can about what it would be like for my character. What they fear, for example. My character’s core fear was allowing himself to be vulnerable and not see an attack coming, which manifested in a fear of snakes.
People’s fears tell us a lot about who they truly are, under whatever outer persona they take on. ”
“What are you afraid of?” Mauve asked.
He didn’t answer for a moment, swirling the wine in his glass so hard she thought it might spill. “I’m afraid of failure. Of not living up to my potential. Wasting my life. Being worthless, I guess. Invisible.”
The raw honesty of his words settled deep in her chest. Wasting. Worthless. Invisible. His identity was tied up with how much he achieved. “Which is why you push yourself so hard?”
“Yeah. I mean, learning about cobras is a good example. I wanted to be the most knowledgeable person on set. I always want to be the best. It’s exhausting, but it’s the way I’m wired.
” He glanced toward the window. “When we were kids, Roan used to talk for me, you know, because of my stutter. I learned early on what it feels like to be inconsequential. The world didn’t need two of us.
Roan was the stronger twin. No stutter. Gifted athletically.
If I’d have vanished, no one would have noticed.
They’d have the good twin. The successful twin. ”
“So you started carving out your own identity. As the entertainer.”
“I craved attention. Still do. When I took drama in middle school, this strange thing happened. When I said the lines from a play, my stutter just vanished. By then, I’d gotten it mostly under control, but, when I was nervous or stressed, it came back.
But not when I was on stage. With everyone looking at me, I felt magical.
The first time I made the class laugh—performing a scene—it was like I finally knew why I’d been born and what made me special.
I’ve been chasing that high ever since.”
“I see.” And she did. She understood exactly who this man was.
He would never let go of his ambition for an ordinary life.
He’d not stop until he had an Oscar in his hand or was the biggest movie star in the world.
Marrying a speech therapist and living in Vermont was not who he was deep down.
Which meant one thing. They were doomed.
“What about you,” Jason asked. “What are you afraid of?”
“Being charmed, letting my guard down, only to be abandoned when I don’t see it coming.”
He flinched. “Ah, okay.”
“Like I was with my ex-husband. My worst fears came true. He was cheating on me, and I never even saw it. Not once. The late nights at the office. The way he kept his phone so close. The unexpected appointments on a Saturday afternoon. And there I was, a loyal idiot, hanging Christmas ornaments on a perfect tree while he was with her. When I saw that photo—of him and the woman—it all came crashing down around me with utter clarity. Like puzzle pieces all coming together. He had left me, and I didn’t even know it. ”
“I’m sorry that happened to you,” Jason said, his eyes soft. “You deserved so much better.”
She shrugged, that familiar bitterness creeping into her stomach. “Doesn’t matter if I deserved it or not. I learned that I can’t rely on anyone but myself. I have to take care of me because no one else will. It’s a relief, actually, to know that truth. Keeps me safe.”
Neither spoke for a moment or two. They ate some of the delicious food, but she could see he was no longer hungry. She wanted to say something light, but nothing came.
He was the first to break the silence.
“You asked me why I would help Ollie when I didn’t even know the kid,” Jason said. “It’s because I want to matter. I can help someone who really needs it. Be the hero. It’s kind of despicable when you really think about it.”
“No, that’s not right. Whatever your motivation—whatever deep wound there is in you that you’re fighting so hard against—it’s still generous. You’re offering to give up some of your precious time off to help a little boy. There’s no way you can convince me that’s a bad thing.”
The server came to clear their plates, bringing pan-seared branzino over white bean purée with lemon and caper brown butter for their third course.
They ate a few bites, but it tasted like sand to Mauve. She had this sudden desire to go home, curl in a ball, and cry herself to sleep. They were on borrowed time, and she knew it. At least this time she would see it coming.