Chapter 24
LEKS
Iwant everything that Natalia has to give me.
The realization builds slowly, but when it arrives it knocks the breath from my lungs.
I pull her tighter against me. We haven’t left my bed all morning, just lying together and talking.
She’s sitting in my lap and tracing her nails over my torso, determined to get an explanation of every single scar and tattoo that lines my body. Her unblemished, silken skin is a whole world away from the mess that years of fighting and punishments have left all over me.
I don’t normally like to share my stories, but with Natalia I don’t think twice. Lying to her feels wrong.
“How did you get this one?”
She presses her lips to the scar on my left cheek.
My hands tighten on her waist.
“My father.”
Her hand tightens on my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Leks. I knew he was cruel, but I didn’t know…”
“That he was a sadistic bastard who tried to kill me and my mother?”
I take a gulp of air. My lungs tighten with panic the way they always do when I think about my father.
Repressed childhood trauma, they said at the Ivanov Center. Not a groundbreaking diagnosis, that one.
When your father leaves you with more scars than memories, it does damage.
The safe house that my mother escaped to — a tiny cabin in the forest where we would watch Golden Girls together and weather the storm of my father’s bad moods — is the one place where I have happy childhood memories.
She would always go back to him. But he never found out about that place, never took it from us.
It was the only reason we survived when his moods turned dark, escaping in the night with only a rucksack of food and some change for the bus driver.
Tightening my arms around Natalia helps, the way it always does. She doesn’t understand — how could she? — but she’s trying to.
“The scar is about the same age as you, zolotse.”
She rolls her eyes at that, the way she always does when I bring up the fact that I am simply way too old for her. Not only in age, but also because of the difference in our lives — Natalia has been sheltered from everything bad in the world, while I’ve been exposed to all of it.
Maybe half of my need for her is the wish that I could absorb that perfect innocence and replace my cynicism and weariness with the world.
“I hate seeing you with all these cuts and bruises.”
Natalia traces her fingers over my skin, feeling the raised bumps from old scars and the rough patches from new ones.
There’s never been anyone beside me to count up my scars.
I try to imagine what I’d do if someone left a scar on Natalia. I don’t think they’d still be walking the earth.
“I’ll stop fighting if you want me to, zolotse.”
She draws back, surprised.
“I thought you needed to stay in practice… for survival.”
How do I explain that her touch is more important to me right now than survival? Than anything?
“Maybe it’s something I need to stop, anyway. Or do you like watching me too much?”
Natalia blushes.
“I do like watching you. I just hate that you get hurt.”
“Your brothers wouldn’t have been fighting like this. Your father has definitely never been in a fight in his life.”
She smiles sadly. “No, they wouldn’t. But I don’t think they would win. My family’s not built for fighting.”
“You’re artists.”
“Well, art dealers. We’re not warriors.”
“They do say opposites attract.” I stroke my hands over her delicate frame. Natalia is not anyone I ever saw myself being with.
The fact that I feel like maybe I am what she wants, that I could be good enough for her, makes my heart pound in my chest. She’s as tiny and delicate as I am huge and scary.
She twists around on my lap to press a kiss to my jaw and my cock stirs.
And that.
I don’t think I’ve been this turned on from kissing someone since I was a teenager, but Natalia drives me insane with desire.
Some days I cut work short to come back and see her. And we’re not even fucking.
“I like this,” she sighs happily, leaning back against my chest. We’re getting too comfortable with each other, given what I’m still planning to destroy her father. I’m not strong enough to put an end to it, though I know it’s ill-advised. When I’m with Natalia, nothing else matters.
I wrap my arms around her tight, pulling her against me.
“You’re not falling in love with me, are you?”
I’m teasing, but Natalia misses the joke. Her green eyes widen at me earnestly and I start to feel nervous. My pulse races as I wait for her answer.
She thinks for a long time, straddling my lap and still tracing my tattoos and scars with her delicate hands.
Her nails are shimmering pastels today, kinda like the swirling colors you see in a cloud of petrol. I take her hand and lace my fingers through hers.
If this is about to be the end of whatever is going on between us, I want as much of her touch as I can get before then.
“Well, I don’t know…”
It’s not a good start. I press a kiss to the back of her hand, trying to calm my breathing, and she blushes.
“I don’t even think I know what love is. So how would I know?”
Why do I want to continue this conversation?
I should be shutting down this line of talk right now and crushing the idea Natalia could be in love with me.
The problem is, it’s getting harder to push her away. Harder to keep separation between us when every time we’re together I’m consumed by her presence.
I kiss my way up her delicate arm until I reach her cheek.
“How do you feel when you’re with me?”
Natalia twists to look at me, her green eyes shining.
“I feel like I don’t want to be anywhere else. Like I’m scared that you’ll go somewhere without me. Or that there’s something you’re shutting me out of. Like my life wasn’t real before you came into it, and if you left, I’d be dropping from heaven back down to earth.”
How is it that Natalia’s feelings perfectly match my own?
She plants her hands against my chest and kisses me sweetly. I let out a growl of satisfaction. She tries to pull back and end the kiss but I want more.
I really kiss her this time, until she’s breathless and her lips are swollen. I want to consume that delicate little mouth, every tremble and breath.
I pull back to give her the verdict. That we’re in love with each other. That I somehow fell in love with the daughter of my enemy.
“Then I think you love me.”
Her eyes widen as she looks up at me.
“And… do you love me too?”
I nod, my throat suddenly choked with emotion.
“You might not want to be anywhere else, but I want to make sure that you can’t go anywhere else. You are my everything, zolotse. My treasure, my precious one, and I want to lock you up so that you’re only mine.”
Fuck.
FUCK.
This was not part of the plan.