Even If It Destroys Me #2
I wanted to hold him. After everything today, the only place I had wanted to be was his arms.
My eyes started to burn.
No.
Do not cry.
“I'm sorry,” he said, barely a whisper.
He reached for me, and I let him pull me into his chest. Warm. He was always so warm.
I pressed my cheek against him and closed my eyes as one traitorous tear fell. My hands wrapped around his waist and I breathed in the scent of him, trying to remember it.
“I'm so sorry,” he said again as he buried his face into my shoulder.
We stayed that way for a long time in the rain. In the middle of the courtyard without a care about who might see.
When we finally broke apart, I had composed myself enough to look at him.
“That day in the courtyard,” my voice was steadier than I expected. “When you asked me to stay—“
“You still can.” He took my hands.
“I can’t.” I stared at my hands in his. “I’m banished, Caelan. The verdict—”
“I'll override it. Dissolve the entire council if I have to—“
I searched his face for hesitation and only found determination. Utterly heartbreaking determination.
“Your people will resent you.”
He looked like I had slapped him.
“That is not the kind of ruler you are,” I finished.
“Then they will resent me.” He leaned in to make a point. “I didn't build a kingdom to lose you to it.”
He had already lost the case, and he was still willing to burn the result. Watching him fight and burn what he had built for a woman who was going to leave anyway was something I couldn't allow.
“I have to go.” My voice barely a whisper.
His mouth opened like he wanted to argue. I didn't give him the chance.
“My dream was south, Caelan,” I continued. “In the courtyard, I wanted to tell you that.”
The lie tasted like ash. My throat tightened and went dry with it.
He reared back with slumped shoulders as he searched my face.
“I killed for ten years. I did unthinkable things for the sake of freedom.
The bond means I'll never really be free.
Not when I'm bound to you no matter where I go.” I blinked back tears.
“I'm not made for court. I can't follow etiquette.” I laughed once.
“I can't even follow simple instructions like wearing a uniform.”
The rain fell between us. Neither of us moved.
I swallowed once before giving him the final blow.
“We were never meant to last,” I added, my voice as neutral as I could force it to be. “You’re a fae. I’m human. We knew what this was the moment we started it.”
His face fractured. His blue eyes looked darker against the reddening rims.
My tears were lost in the rain. I did not let anything else show on my face that my eyes didn’t already give away.
“You have to let me go,” I said softly. “Please, let me go.”
He stared at me as if he wasn't sure he was hearing anything right.
“You don’t want to stay,” he said, voice broken.
I thought about what I really wanted. It wasn't this. But it was what needed to happen. To keep him from going against the verdict. To keep him whole. To keep Twilight whole.
“I don’t want to stay.”
His hands dropped. He exhaled a short laugh toward the ground once and nodded.
When he looked up, I wanted to pull him into my arms. Apologize. Kiss him until he stopped looking at me like I had taken his entire world.
“Okay,” he said.
“The people—“
“Alright.” He forced a smile and took a step back.
I felt every inch of distance.
“I’ll have Riven arrange a place for you outside the borders.
” He looked at the sky for a moment. Rain caught in his lashes.
“I’ll give you your freedom. If that's what you want.” His eyes dropped to mine.
“Even if it destroys me to do it. Because you made your choice, and I will not take that from you.”
What he didn't say was that the choice had already been made for us. We didn’t have a choice. He had already run out of ways to make me stay.
The rain had begun to slow.
My fingers dug into my palm until I felt the sting. Before I could change my mind, I moved to leave.
His fingers closed around my wrist not even two steps in.
“Let me pretend,” he said, turning to face me.
I looked at him, our shoulders touching.
“Until the rain stops,” his eyes searched mine. “Let me pretend that you're still mine.”
My legs wouldn’t move. The hum of his magic recognized mine where his fingers touched my skin as if it didn’t want to let go either.
I should leave. I should tell him no. But I did none of those things.
He tugged on my wrist gently, and I went willingly, turning to face him.
“Okay,” I said too softly, and I wasn’t sure if he had heard me.
His forehead came down to mine, my hands finding their way to his collar on their own.
“Say it.” His lips brushed mine, voice breaking. “Say you're mine.”
“I'm yours.” I took his face in my hands. “Caelan, I'm—“
His lips crashed into mine. Firmly, unmoving for just a moment as if he was trying to memorize how it felt.
I focused on his lips. The softness of them, the way they moved against mine. The way they parted for me. How he tasted, how his breath shuddered against my mouth when my fingers found his hair.
His hand slid up my jaw, angling my head back to kiss me harder. He kissed me like it was the first time.
I kissed him like it was the last.
We did not stop. Not to breathe. Not to think.
There was nothing but his lips, the beat of my heart loud in my ears, and the sound of rain hitting stone across the courtyard.
Slowly, inevitably, silence returned before we were ready for it. The rain stopped, and there was nothing except the sound of our breathing.
We pulled apart and pressed our foreheads together in a gentle goodbye. He did not look up. His eyes stayed on my lips.
I bit my tongue hard enough to taste copper. Swallowed the words that tried to form that I no longer had the right to say and walked away first.
He stayed where I left him.
I did not look back.
I did not stop walking. Not until I was up the stairs, down the corridor, and into my room. The door shut tight behind me. Then I took the bottle of wine on the table and went up to the roof.
It was empty before I was ready for it to be.
Riven appeared sometime after the last light went out. He did not speak. Just sat there next to me as I cried.
Cried over the bond that wouldn't break.
Over the court that did not want me.
And for the prince that was never mine.