CHAPTER 4
It wasn’t until I was on my second peppermint tea, a dry cracker from an hour earlier apparently staying down for now, that I felt brave enough to make a call.
As the phone began to ring at the other end, I rubbed my temples, closing my eyes to the weak sunlight filtering in through my kitchen blinds.
‘Oh, hey honey,’ my mum said as she picked up, surprise in her tone. Her soft American accent, chiselled away by over thirty years in the UK , always sent me straight back to my childhood. ‘This is a nice surprise! I thought you’d be at work. Are you having a day off?’
I bit my lip, realizing how long it had been since we’d spoken. Really spoken.
‘Hi . . . yeah, sort of.’
My voice wobbled and I kicked myself.
‘What’s going on? Are you okay?’
I could picture her in our family home, likely on the small floral sofa in the kitchen-diner, a coffee on Grandma’s old side table to her left, her Kindle or a newspaper to her right. The radio would be on, Radio 4 at this time of day – she loved Woman’s Hour .
‘Umm . . . no, not really,’ I whispered, a thick sob rising up and spilling out. ‘I’ve been made redundant. I don’t have to work my notice period, so I’m just at home.’
‘Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. What happened? Listen, do you want to come home for a while? Your dad’s on the tour in Augusta until tomorrow evening, so it’s just me for now.’
My dad’s role as an official on the pro-golf tour in the US meant that he was often away for long periods.
Her implication rang clear in the brief pause, that whilst she only wanted my happiness, visiting home when Dad was away would mean avoiding his disappointment, the inevitable judgement.
My career success was a source of huge pride to him, but it came at a cost. I often wondered whose ambition it actually was that’d landed me here, how what I wanted and what he demanded had somehow converged into the same thing.
The thought of breaking the news about Kyle would be too much.
My parents thought the sun was located directly up his ass.
Hesitating, I realized I should’ve thought this through before calling. But other than Hestia, who rarely got up before midday, who else did I have? I’d slid further away from my wider circle of friends in the last year, almost every waking hour occupied with work or Kyle and his mates.
‘Okay, yeah, maybe. I mean, I need to look for something else pretty quickly – this place is expensive, so . . .’
‘I know, I know,’ she replied, the sound of the kettle boiling in the background muffling her words. ‘But you can give yourself a few days to get over the shock and put a plan together. Why don’t you come over? Archie will make you feel better.’
I wiped my eyes, almost smiling at the thought of their mildly insane spaniel, the way he would wriggle all over with excitement to see me, then spend the rest of the day trying to sleep in my lap.
‘Okay, let me sort a few bits out and I’ll check the train times,’ I replied, listening to another few minutes of her pep talk before hanging up.
Groaning, realizing what I might’ve signed myself up for, I called Hestia.
‘I thought you loved me,’ she said, groggy and hoarse. ‘This is just cruel.’
I checked the time, suddenly wondering if I’d somehow misread my phone before. No, it was 10.27.
‘Kyle’s been cheating,’ I blurted, even though the sound of his name burnt my tongue as it left my mouth. ‘He brought a woman home to his place last night; they were all over each other.’
‘What the FUCK ?’ she suddenly roared as my eyes filled again. I laid my phone on the table and pressed my palms to them. ‘Right. I’ll go over to his work right now and tear him a fresh one—’
I hiccupped under the tears and she paused.
‘Lottie Wright, you listen to me right now. Neither of these things are about you, okay? Kyle is a dickwad – always has been, always will be – and your job can and absolutely will be replaced. That’s just business.
This doesn’t define you; they are NOT the sum of your existence.
It’s just the universe’s way of clearing the path for you to find the things you actually need in your life. Okay?’
‘Okay,’ I repeated, voice on autopilot. ‘It’s just . . . I don’t understand why? Kyle, I mean. Cressida just hated me. But he and this woman . . . they’d clearly been together a while – she had a key, for fuck’s sake . . .’
My words trailed into incoherence and I let her rant in reply, the acerbic curses somehow forming a thin film over the wounds, a temporary patch.
‘And now Mum’s suggesting I come home and I just don’t know if I can deal with the judgement on top of it all. She means well, they both do, but they’re so invested in everything I’ve done.’
The sacrifices they’d made for me to go to a private sixth form college, to pay my uni fees and living costs so I didn’t have to take on a student loan. The weight of it all, of their expectations, and now . . . my utter failure.
‘They’re invested because they care, Lots. They’ll back you all the way, always have done – even your dad.’
‘But I’ve let them down,’ I replied, my voice withering under the pressure. ‘The job, Kyle . . . they were so happy. It was everything they wanted for me.’
‘And what about you?’ she said, her anger dissolving every last shred of tiredness.
Her eyes would be blazing through their smudged black surrounds, I knew.
‘What do you want? What does success on your terms look like?’ I couldn’t answer.
Instead, I took the last sip of my tea, now cold.
‘Look, I think some time to think might be a good thing. Get out of London – you know how you feel different in the countryside. Some clean air and a change of scenery will clear your mind in no time. Just take Archie out for loads of walks, avoid your parents if it gets too much. Or you can come here anytime, you know that, but Cal has been on a three-day bender and this place looks like a black hole.’
I actually smiled.
‘Jesus,’ I replied, picturing the scene she was currently stumbling through, swearing as she tripped over something. For all their issues together, Cal was one of the nicest, but also messiest people I’d ever known. In every sense.
‘He’ll be fucking needing a saviour if he doesn’t pull it together soon. I’m not built for domesticity and somehow he’s forcing me to become some kind of fucking clean-freak mother hen.’
‘Now you mention it, maybe the countryside is exactly what I need,’ I said, biting my lip to stifle a laugh as she swore again. ‘Thanks, Hes. I promise not to be a pathetic loser for too long.’
‘Enough!’ she barked. ‘Leave the city now, you need some headspace. Call me when you’re there. Okay? And no trash-talking yourself. I absolutely forbid it.’
I agreed, but as I hung up and the silence returned, the doubts immediately resurfaced. Was I just running away? Wouldn’t it be better to stay here and face it? Try and talk to Kyle, maybe?
The thought of being face to face with him, the same hands that’d grazed that woman’s face last night being anywhere near me . . . A fresh wave of nausea rose up and I decided on a shower instead.
My phone screen lit up.
Dad’s actually going to be away for a while longer – he’s dropping in to see Carrie on the way back home. It’s her 60th, can you believe it? Not on the ranch, Lil’s running that now. Carrie’s in Denver. Anyway, more time for you, me and Archie. Love you, sweetie. It’ll be okay. X
Feeling infinitesimally lighter, I climbed into the shower and attempted to scald the previous day away. The water engulfed me, a stark contrast to the feeling I’d had of being a dried-out husk, completely purged through tears and tequila.
I closed my eyes to it all, my mum’s message suddenly bringing a memory to the surface.
My cousin Lil and I, riding by a creek near the ranch she’d grown up on.
In our grandma’s family for a hundred years or so, the Diamond Back ranch was a few thousand acres on the edge of the Tetons, near Jackson Hole in Wyoming.
My parents and I had been out there almost every summer when I was growing up, and Lil and I would spend our days riding for hours.
One particular day by the creek, the sun beating down through the chill air to warm us, we almost rode straight into a grizzly bear, fishing further downstream.
My gasp had been swallowed by the sound of the water rushing past, frothy white waves rushing around boulders and rocks centre stream.
‘Back up,’ Lil said quietly. ‘It hasn’t seen us yet. We’re upwind.’
In one lithe movement, she pulled out the shotgun from the holster on her saddle, swung it round into her right hand and pulled gently on Penny, her horse, to signal to her to walk backwards.
My heart thundered, wondering if my time was up. I was just eleven and Lil fifteen, but Lil just laughed quietly.
‘What?’ I hissed, incredulous.
‘If you shit yourself on my new saddle, I’ll feed you to the damn bear myself.’
Wide-eyed, I stared at her as we turned both horses in a smooth 180 and after a painful few seconds of walking until we’d rounded the corner, kicked them into a canter.
As we approached the meadow beyond, Lil turned, first checking that the grizzly hadn’t followed and then grinning at me as we slowed to a stop.
‘You okay, cowgirl? Those pants dry?’
I was too full of adrenaline to scowl.
‘Weren’t you scared?’ I asked, stroking my horse Jasper’s neck, his black coat shining with health and, now, sweat. He pulled at the reins, wanting to keep going, clearly enjoying himself.
‘Oh honey, that bear was just minding his business, he had no problem with us. C’mon now, you must’ve seen enough of the world to know that there’s worse out there than a bear?’