Chapter 53
FIFTY-THREE
Tai
We decide to keep looking through the village.
The chances of finding anything are slim, but we need anything we can use that will help us along our journey.
Side by side, we overturn blocks and open broken doors and cabinets.
There isn’t even a stick of broken furniture or any sign of previous life here. Nothing but rubble.
I can’t get over the sharp contrast between the broken, empty buildings and the vitality that was here before. The lingering guilt inside me resurfaces. I have to remind myself that no one was killed. Everyone got out and made their homes in other places.
These facts are a poor consolation when I'm staring down the destruction I caused. Leaving home is hard enough. Leaving because of someone else's selfishness must be something else entirely.
I scrub my hand over my face and let out a heavy sigh. It’s impossible to act unaffected when I’m elbow deep in the consequences of my bad choices.
“Are you okay?” Bri asks.
“It rips me apart to see this place again.”
“Tai, look at me when I tell you this.” She grips my shoulders and turns me toward her. “That was a long time ago, and if the Sabaaki have chosen to forgive you, then it’s time you did the same.”
I can’t let it go. Holding onto the guilt helps me prove to myself that I still care.
For six years, I tried to pretend like it was all behind me.
But I’ve carried the guilt and shame all these years like a silent passenger.
Even though it’s weighing me down, the guilt reminds me that I’m different now.
If I stop replaying my mistakes, will there still be anything good inside me?
Bri wraps her arms around me and lays her head against my chest. Her steady breathing anchors me.
In, out.
In, out.
In, out.
My thoughts stop circling over my failures. I see myself as Bri does, a flawed kid who didn’t know any better.
I’m shaped by what happened, not defined by it.
The space inside me that was occupied by shame feels smaller, slowly being replaced by the compassion I’ve been freely given.