Chapter 15 #3
“I can be in-house counsel at a company. The hours are usually better, so it works better with raising a family. But a legal role with private equity or venture capital is possible, too. I don’t know.”
“Something to consider.” After what happened to her Friday morning, he couldn’t imagine she’d want to step back into that office.
“Exactly. Being away will give me perspective.” She touched his hand, and he couldn’t help but turn his over and lace their fingers.
Well, he supposed he could’ve stopped it. But there was no part of him that had enough willpower to let her go.
“In the kitchen, when you were talking about how sports changed your life, you sort of clammed up. You were connecting Birdie to the way you escape into numbers. What was that about?”
When he’d said he never talked about his past, there was a reason. But in this moment, when the sun dipped beneath the horizon, plunging the world into dusk, a cool breeze brushed over his skin, he felt… safe.
“Life in the club was...” Tough. Chaotic. “Dangerous. After I found sports, I had something to focus on, a goal to pursue, and then, all the noise faded away.”
“Your dad wasn't around much, but what about your brothers? You guys are so close.”
“I think you know Jude was in trouble all the time.”
“I do, yeah. He was in my grade.”
“Wyatt was a loner, and Boone was a baby, so he needed the most attention.”
“And you were lost in the middle.”
“It wasn’t anyone’s fault.” He said it too quickly, he knew that. But he didn’t want anyone to think less of his family. His dad had done the best he could in a terrible situation.
“It doesn’t need to be for it to impact you. Did your dad know what was going on?”
She hiked up on an elbow to peer at him. The lights cast a soft glow on her skin.
“I know he tried.” After his dad had rescued him from the closet, he’d hired some people in the club to watch his kids.
It hadn't worked. “But I was too young to tell him what I needed.” If he'd asked, “Hey, who’s packing my lunch?” his dad would've made sure it was taken care of. But all Decker knew was that he was hungry, and there was no way to get food. “Remember, I was in the club from age two to eight. I didn’t go to preschool, so I was on my own a lot.”
“When did Ava show up?”
“She was there from the beginning.” And thank God for her. “But when we first moved there, she was getting her master’s. After that, she was teaching. She came every chance she could, but she had a busy life.”
“I hate to think of you alone and hungry.” When she settled back down against the headrest, she touched his arm.
“I wish I’d known you then.” Gave it a squeeze.
“It’s funny, isn’t it? You’re one of the most celebrated quarterbacks in the world.
You have a private jet and date pop stars like Aurora Jones.
Everyone assumes you had all the advantages, but no one sees the road it took to get there.
So, I guess sports gave you friends and a focus? ”
“Something like that.” But not really. He’d never felt community from his squad. He got that from his family.
“You were some kind of prodigy, right?”
“No, I just wanted it more than anyone else. You want to know how it started?” He smiled at the memory.
He was a tough kid. “I didn’t want to go to the club after school, so I showed up for the track team.
Day one, I’m sitting on the bench with the other kids, and Coach looks at us, calling out our names from his clipboard.
He gets to mine, and he goes, ‘Decker McK—oh, hell no. No McKennas on my squad.’”
“That’s terrible. He should’ve been fired for that.”
“I was used to it. Anyway, the kids got on the track and started running, and I joined in. Outpaced all of them. By the time I’d made it around—”
“Like an Olympic sprinter, no doubt.”
He laughed. “Coach said, ‘Okay, you can stay.’ And that was it. It started an obsession. Not just to win, but to best my own time. From that moment on, I forgot about the things I couldn't have and focused on outcomes I could control.”
“And it became your whole life.”
“A damn good one. I won the Heisman my junior year of college. Went first round in the draft—top five pick. My rookie year, I threw for forty-one hundred yards. Made the Pro Bowl my second season. Took my team to the playoffs three years straight. Two conference championships. One Super Bowl, which we won. It’s been a damn good life. ”
“Sir, that’s not a life. That’s a stat sheet.”
“Says the woman on the partner track.”
“Hey, I never said I had any balance. At least I’m aware I don’t have a life.”
“It’s the life I want.” Except he was haunted by the image of Birdie in bed, crashed out, shoe off, shirt tangled. “But how do I… How does Birdie fit into it?”
She had no answer, but he felt her warmth, her kindness, and that was enough.
“Part of me wants to leave her with my dad for the season, you know? He’ll take great care of her.
Ava will help out. She’ll have my brothers, Cody…
But what message does that send her? I was the kid who didn’t matter.
How can I do that to her? When I think about her in my house with a nanny…
” Emotion roared through him, and he tried to shut it down.
Sure, someone from player services would babyproof the place, buy toys, a bed, and a dresser. Yes, she’d have the best of everything.
But she wouldn’t have a dad.
“But if I try to split myself in two—football and fatherhood—I’ll come up short in both.
I’ll let my team down.” Let myself down.
“I’ve got seventeen games a season. Half are away.
If I can make three hundred ten yards a game, fifty-two hundred on the season, I’ll make a franchise record.
” Seven hundred yards to twenty-five thousand… .
“Decker.” She leaned over, her hair brushing his arm, that feminine scent filling his senses. “You don’t have to have all the answers right now.”
“I can’t dump her on my family.”
“You can. She’ll be loved and well taken care of.”
“She’s already been passed around. From her mom to Brian to Cady and now me. I can’t do that to her. I can’t. She’s completely dependent on me. I have to do right by her, and I don’t see how to make that happen.” Yeah, he was spiraling. But with this woman, he felt safe to do it.
“I guess you could take her on the road with you. She’s only three. And then, after this season, she’ll be more settled, and you can figure out something new.”
“Damn you, Willa Holland.” The palm of his hand caressed her soft, warm cheek, and his fingers slid into her silky hair, pushing it back so he could see her face. “Why do you always say just what I need to hear?”
“Because I understand. I was lonely, too. Our lives might look different, but you’re chasing records, and I’m chasing my mom’s love, and neither one of us is going to find a whole lot of satisfaction from that. But look at us. We found each other. That’s a good thing, right?”
“Right.” She was so fucking beautiful. Desire filled him. His blood went hot, and his body pulsed with need. “What are you doing to me?”
“I don’t know.” Her words floated on a gust of air. “But you’d better stop looking at me like that.”
“I can’t. I just can’t.” He lifted up and pressed his mouth to hers.