42. Heal Me
Theos
He knew he wouldn’t have gotten any true rest the moment he walked into his bedroom. His room was deep in the heart of the castle, through winding corridors that led to dead ends for those who did not have access to it.
He sank into bed, letting Haera’s physical presence beside him soothe his frayed nerves as he breathed in deeply. She hadn’t woken up yet, and it was only her strong, steady heartbeat that kept him away from the cliff of panic. In a way, he understood. She’d been through a lot in mere wouxs. Back in Vanzantia, it was nearing the end of Julix. Here, time mattered little.
But it hurt a little to watch her sleep without being able to touch her. To caress her cheek, hug her tightly and pull her into his chest.
“I am so utterly, devastatingly, hopelessly in love with you Haera,” he breathed, voice ragged with emotion. “I’ve made such a mess of everything, when all I wanted to do was love you. Heal you.” Tears burned paths down his cheeks.
He flopped onto his back, staring into the stars as they burned overhead and all around them. “All I want to do is heal you, and somehow, I keep putting you in harm’s way. I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me,” he choked. “But I’ll never forgive myself until I have healed you.”
───
Haera
The starlight that streamed in through the glass walls of Theos’ bedroom was soft on her skin. She was awake. Awake, and immediately afraid. She gasped, bolting upright, relieved to find that her wrists and ankles were not bound, and that she could remember what had happened. Zyadon. His hands on her. Alanis being present in the room. The sound of flesh on flesh. The moaning. She shuddered, disgust filling her heart so that she heaved up the contents of her stomach onto the floor next to the bed.
The other side of the bed shifted, and then Theos was holding her hair away from her face as she heaved. He thumbed soothing circles on her back as she coughed, his presence providing all the comfort that she needed. He didn’t break his silence when he whisked away the evidence of her roiling stomach with the flick of his hand and some level of atmosphere manipulation, or when he climbed back into bed and reached for her.
She surveyed him, noticing the tired, defeated look in his eyes. Scooting forward, she wrapped her arms around him as he sealed her shut in his embrace and pulled her down into the soft sheets. Her heart thumped hard. She’d heard his confession. It had come right as she was on the way to waking up, her ears becoming active before her eyes. He loved her. And though she had already known it, from his eyes, the way he looked at her, the way he protected her and made sure she was safe, from the bond’s constant shouting of the words neither of them had ever said, hearing the desperate strain in his voice while he waited for her to wake up sent all the fuzzy feelings spreading through her. The bond soared in her heart, and despite the joy flooding her body, her shoulders shook as she sobbed.
Theos kissed her hair, one hand around her waist, the other at the nape of her neck, both rubbing circles into her skin. She should be happy that she heard his confession, but she wasn’t sure whether she would ever hear it again. Theos preferred to act than to speak, and she had come to appreciate that throughout their relationship. Actions were how she felt safe, protected. But her heart ached to hear him confess his feelings out loud.
Still, she let herself feel the horror of the events she’d experienced, Theos’ solid, quiet presence giving her room to sob and tremble until the adrenaline and fear made their way out of her through her many tears. And as the time passed them by, with her locked into Theos’ arms, her eyes closed to the view of the universe around them, the hurt slipped away, and she revelled in Theos’ embrace.
Houyras later, Theos hesitantly broke the silence.
“You have just woken up,” he finally said, “and I don’t mean to immediately overwhelm you, but there are some things I must say.”
She nodded, giving him the go ahead. She didn’t trust her lips. If she tried to speak, there was no way to guarantee that she wouldn’t end up begging him to tell her how he felt. She felt him shift and found herself being guided to lay flat on her back as he lay on his side, hovering dangerously close to her face. As he shifted, his right hand propping up his head, his left hand disappeared down her body to press against her belly, sliding under her shirt to rub circles on her skin. She bit down on her lip in a bid not to immediately embarrass herself, and a knowing smile ghosted her mate’s lips as he looked down at her.
“Little love of mine, I owe you an apology,” he began, expression growing solemn. He paused. “In fact, I owe you far more. I have been far too careless with our bond, and with you.” He took a deep, shaky breath, and for the first time since they’d met, Haera felt nervous energy filling the bond from him. “All I have ever wanted was to love you. Long before we ever met, I waited, desperately, hoping that The Fates would not change his mind; that his horrendously proud attitude over the syrises was a guarantee that he would keep you safe.” Another shaky breath. “I cannot erase the pain you experienced before you met me. I cannot undo the damage that was done, and I will hate myself for it, every waking houyra. Adding to your pain while I was present is inexcusable, and yet, that is exactly what I did.” He closed his eyes, trying to steady his breathing. “And for fear of making you feel rushed, I have never told you just how much I truly care about you. I have withheld my feelings in hopes that you would eventually grow comfortable enough for me to confess the truth. But I have known since the first moment I laid eyes on you.”
Haera’s heart was pounding, the intensity of the moment settling in. The bond too, was roaring, its pulses of longing and anticipation drowning out any fear that remained in her body. This was what she wanted. This was who she wanted. This was who she loved. “What’s the truth?” she murmured softly.
“The truth is that of all created things, I am most fond of you. I love you more than anything else in all the universe, more than my brothers, my sisters, more than myself. You are the most valuable thing in the universe to me, and though I have failed you before, I will never fail you again. I am unworthy to even speak these words – but I beg your forgiveness,” he rasped, overcome with emotion. “Gods, I can’t make you forgive me, and I would never force you to, or rush you to, but if you don’t, it’ll kill me. It’s enough that I’ll never forgive myself. I’ll work to heal you regardless. That is my purpose, my sole aim. I want to heal you. Please, will you let me heal you, Haera?”
“Heal me.” she breathed.
“I didn’t expect you to agree with me so quickly,” Theos admitted, more to himself than to her, clearly shocked.
“I have already forgiven you, Theos.” Haera continued. “My life has been riddled with an unfortunate chain of events, but none of those were your doing. I have a chance to be happy now, with you. I want us to start doing that. I want to be happy with you.”
A shudder racked both of their bodies as the bond purred, and Theos’ groaned. “Are you sure that you forgive me? You don’t have to do that right away. I know that I should have –”
“Theos.”
“I should have been more careful with your heart, and with your body, but I was so caught up with –” he rambled, frantic with his own guilt.
“Theos,” Haera tried again.
─── ?? ? ?? ───
Haera & Theos
This time, his words trailed into silence, and he looked down at her. Icy blue eyes met white ones full on. The bond shuddered immediately at the intimate contact. Their faces were so close that they breathed each other’s air. He wanted to kiss her. But he wasn’t sure if he should, given what had happened to her right before she’d fallen into the deep sleep that she was just now waking up from. He wanted to kiss her more than he wanted anything else in that moment. Was it too soon? It was too soon.
Haera watched his thoughts rage through his mind for a moment, feeling the conflicting emotions pouring into her heart through the bond .
It was definitely too soon for him to ravage her the way he –
“Sunlight,” she whispered.
“Fuck, Haera.” Theos whined. His hands tightened so hard in the sheets next to her head that they ripped the fabric. He removed himself from her to stand at the foot of the bed. “I don’t know if this is the right time for me to –”
“Sunlight,” she whispered again, ignoring everything that was coming out of his mouth as she slid from the bed to stand before him.
“I want you too, little star, but Gods know if I kiss you, I’m going to do everything else to you too and I don’t want you to regret giving yourself to me when your head clears –”
“Sunlight,” she whispered again, a desperate edge to her voice.
Theos closed his eyes, willing himself not to give in. When he opened them again, he looked down into Haera’s stubborn ones. “Do you have any idea what you’re asking me for, little star?” Haera nodded. “You want to put control in my hands, completely?” Theos rasped, needing to hear her say it.
“Yes.” Her voice never wavered. “I’m tired of having everyone else’s hands on me except the person I want to touch me the most,” she whispered. “Heal me. Replace my bad experiences with the only one I want to experience. ”
Theos growled at the insinuation, heat burning through him. He reached for her, fisting a hand in the fabric of her shirt to pull her hips into his so that her lips parted in surprise at the feel of him against her belly. “I need you to understand why I still hesitate, little love.”
Haera’s lips parted. His eyes burned into hers with an unrestrained intensity that she’dnever seen him show before. He’d always been guarded. Careful.
“I want you with a fire that has absolutely no regard for your ability to withdraw consent. I don’t merely desire you, little star. I want to consume you entirely. And once I start touching you, I don’t know that I’ll be able to stop. Please. I need to know you’re sure. I need to know you know what you’re asking me for.” His voice was rough with restraint, rasping as his control slipped out of his reach more and more.
Haera’s lips tugged into a smile. “Sunlight. ”
His restraint withered at the whispered plea, and when she raised herself on tiptoe to press her lips to his, he deepened their connection. Concern for gentleness fading, he pressed past her lips to stroke her tongue with his, swallowing the whiny groan that surfaced like an offering.
Heat scorched her skin, and she groaned again when he smiled against her lips. His grip on her hips tightened, locking her in place as he rolled his hips against her. Pleasure sparked deep in her core, the shame of her desperate throbbing and leaking immediately salved by his soft kisses. The bond was delirious. Throbbing. More alive than she’d ever felt it.
He pulled away from her lips, their saliva stretching between them as he slid a hand up the front of her, over her breasts to her throat. When his grip tightened there, her thighs pressed together even harder, and she bit down on her lip to try to regain some semblance of control.
“In order for us to be formally mated,” he whispered into her ear, backing her towards the bed. “You have to take all of me, including my knot.” The mattress was soft against the back of her knees. “Your delicate little cunt is going to stretch to take all of me, and there will be no option to tell me no, or to ask me to stop,” he continued, the hand around her throat tightening. “You’re going to take it. Do you understand?” He asked, watching her look up at him through her lashes.
“Yes,” she answered, quivering and shaking. She wanted this more than she’d ever wanted anything else. All her reservations slipped through her fingers and disappeared. She wanted him. She wanted this.
Theos angled his head down at her, the praise falling from his lips sending shockwaves of pleasure through her body. “So eager to let me give you what you want. ”Releasing her entirely, he stepped backwards, crossing his arms over his chest. “Undress so I can see you, little love.”
A muffled whimper made it past her fierce bite on her bottom lip, and she tugged the oversized shirt over her head, letting it drop to the floor to a low growl of approval from her salivating mate.
“ Gods ,” Theos cursed. “Finally.” His fists trembled at his sides.
Breathing hard, Haera lowered herself to sit on the bed, sliding up it until she could lay flat on her back. Chills raced across her skin like a delicate touch where Theos’ attention flitted back and forth.
“Beautiful. You are so beautiful. And you are mine . Open for me.” He growled.
She complied, parting her thighs as he made a strangled sound of restraint. She gasped as her body responded to the pleased acknowledgement, gushing and trembling under his attention.
“In all the universe, nothing more beautiful,” he commented, almost hoarse. He walked closer, kneeling in the puddle of her arousal. He pressed a kiss to her inner thigh as he pressed her thighs apart until her hips ached from the strain. “You’ll have to open like this to make space for me, little love. Can you do that for me?”
Haera nodded, shuddering as Theos pressed a reverent kiss to the next thigh, dangerously close to where she was throbbing and clenching around nothing. He made a dark growling sound of frustration as he stared at her where she leaked arousal.
“Part of me is desperately jealous of the man who touched you here while you were unconscious. From now on, it’ll finally, only be my turn.” He admitted, his voice heavy with raspy anger. “Is that too feral for your ears, little love?” he asked, watching her face for reactions. He pressed a kiss to her thigh again. “I want to be the one to touch you while you’re sleeping and make you come until you wake begging for more.”
Haera’s hands fisted around the sheets.
“You want that, don’t you, little love?” A nip to her sensitive bud sent her convulsing from the pain that speared through her. Theos growled low in his chest, watching her throb as she peaked so readily from the pain. “What if I want to go further Haera?” he rasped again, “What if you say no and I still want it? Do you trust me to make you feel good even when you say no?”
A desperate whimper clawed its way through her throat, hips bucking towards Theos’ face, seeking friction .
“Patience, little love. I need to be sure you’ll always be compliant for me,” Theos chuckled darkly again he listened to her pant with need. “I need to be sure that even if you fight it, you’ll still take it like you’re made to.”
Haera whimpered again, desire and shame surging through her in one massive wave of emotion. She should be revolted by the idea of it. She should ask him to stop saying things like that. She should, but she didn’t want to. She wanted it. Badly.
“Tell me you want it.” Theos demanded. “I know you do.” He stood, ridding himself of his clothing. Crawling over her, he tightened his grip on her throat and leaned down to her ear. “I can feel how much you want it in the bond. Tell me you want it, Haera. Silence is not an acceptable form of consent.”
“I want it,” she sounded out, the freedom of admitting the desires she’d bottled up all her life bringing tears to her eyes.
Reaching down between their bodies, he circled his base, guiding it to her wetness. Along low groan shot out of his lips, outdone immediately by Haera’s sharp cry of pleasure as she came again.
“Tell me, little star, do you feel the way every inch of my skin burns for you?” his voice trembled slightly as pleasure coiled through him from the contact between them.
Haera nodded, his finger tugging her lower lip down as he notched himself at her entrance, pressing his knees apart with her thighs.
“It’s so that I can burn you, little love. Consume you from the inside out.” He nipped at her lobe, watching her features contort as he thumbed her nub, preparing her for the stretch to come. “ Gods , you are so fucking pretty when you’re coming undone against your will. I’m going to use you until you don’t know where my touch begins and your pleasure ends. Until the stars fall. Until the universe ceases to exist,” Theos whispered, his voice low in her ear.
Delirium rocked through her, the bond pulsing and flailing wildly as it poured arousal into her blood so that she was constantly on the edge. She gasped as he pressed into her lightly, groaning as her body stretched to accept him.
“I can’t wait to make love to you while you’re lost in the darkness of sleep, my love. While you can’t even feel me taking over your soul,” he purred as he watched her lips part in a soundless cry of pleasure. “I want to give you pleasure until your body shuts down and it all hurts, and even then, I won’t stop.”
“Wait,” Haera gasped as Theos pressed his hips forward again. She cried out sharply as he stretched her to the point of pain with his head .
Theos angled his head down at her in amusement. “No.” Nudging her legs further apart, he settled closer, lowering his hips and preparing to stretch her all the way.
“What about kids? I’m – I don’t want to be a mom.” She managed to choke out as another orgasm tore through her and threatened to rend her soul into pieces.
Theos hummed next to her ear, smiling as he nibbled on her lobe. “I would never require it. You are already a mother to all of creation. I want you . Not what you can give me.”
Reaching between them, he slid an arm underneath her to hold her firmly in place. “Now, my little love. Stretch for me.”
Pinned in place by her mate’s strong hands, Haera felt all the tension in her body unfurl at once as he slowly joined himself to her. He pressed gentle kisses to her cheeks, nose and lips as heat speared through her from the discomfort and the burning stretch of him.
Whimpering helplessly, Haera watched Theos smile lazily down at her. “Nothing to do but take it,” he whispered, flexing his hips and pushing forwards still.
Haera gasped as she felt herself stretch even more, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. Then, all at once, Theos’ hands disappeared from her body, pressing into the bed next to her face. “We’ll make it fit, my princess. This beautiful, glistening cunt of yours was made to take me , little love.”
Her moans spilled out uninhibited as she felt herself relax even more deeply around him.
“You were made to take me. Say it .”
Haera nodded her agreement as he rolled his hips and sent pleasure sparking through her. “Yes,” she whispered, the words broken by her rough breathing. “I was made to take you, Theos.”
Growling his approval, he thrust forward again, pressing himself to the halfway mark. “You’re mine forever, little love,” he cooed, pressing deeper as Haera cried out. “And you feel so fucking good that I could almost forget you’re still adjusting and pound you into oblivion,” he rasped. “Fuck.” He forced his hips closer to her, sending himself deeper and deeper as he tried to close the gap. “You’re so fucking silky. So wet. So tight.” He grunted.
“Theos, please,” Haera whimpered.
In one firm push, he was in to the hilt, hissing as she clenched all around him on a cry. Reaching up, he took her wrists in his, pinning them above the bed and using his weight to keep her legs where he wanted them. Tears spilled down her cheeks. She had never imagined a feeling of such fullness, or completeness. Gods she was cracking apart at the seams. The bond was alive, thrumming all around them, outside them, inside them, between them. It was alive.
She was alive. “You feel, so good,” she trembled through another orgasm.
Leaning down to whisper in her ear leisurely, he pulled his hips back and sank to the hilt again, loving the way she cried out in his ear. “Thank you, my sweet mate. The feel of you is exquisite – like nothing else in the universe.” He pressed a wet kiss to her ear. “But there is still more of me to take.”
He angled his head so he could watch her expressions change. Pulling his hips back again, he snapped them into her, hitting deep and hard all at once so that she cried out.
“This is your last chance to change your mind, little love,” he rasped, losing grip on his last strains of control as he joined their bodies frantically, over and over again. “Are you sure you want my knot? To be bound to me forever knowing what I want to do to you if you give me that control?”
He raised himself up so he could look into her eyes while his climax threatened to shatter him in half as it approached. “Please Haera, if you want me to wait, I will. I won’t hurt you without knowing you want me to. Please ,” he begged hoarsely, “be sure. ”
“I want you,” Haera bit out between moans. “All of you.”
Theos’ jaw was ground so tight he could almost not speak. “Swear it.” His thrusts were getting sloppy. Faster and slower, harder then deeper.
“By the gods,” she whispered, locking gaze with him. The bond in their hearts threatened to explode at her oath. “By you.”
“By me.” Theos echoed harshly, pressing forward to the hit so that his knot slid in. Leaning down, he pressed his canines against her skin slowly so that she felt every segund of their piercing through her skin. Her blood filled his mouth and he gulped it down greedily before forcing himself to stop as pleasure electrified his every cell.
Haera’s cry was loud and sharp, and Theos’ entire body tensed as he emptied into her. She trembled, tightening around his swollen base so hard that he pumped her full of himself over and over. Their chests heaved together as the high settled, until Haera shifted slightly, setting off another round of peaking pleasure that left them shaking. The white sheets below them drank in the blood of their covenant, as their eyes met, chests heaving, hearts beating as one.
His white irises met her blue ones. “You are mine,” he whispered. “And I have been yours since forever.”