Chapter 36 Dawsen
Dawsen
Birdie just stormed out of my loft and I’m standing here like the world’s biggest jackass.
“You’re punishing me too.”
Her words ring in my ears.
I’m sick to my stomach.
As soon as Birdie came back into town, I should have kept my distance. I knew I was growing weaker, and I let myself get too close, too comfortable, and I started letting my feelings cloud all of my rational thought and self-control. I got sloppy with my heart and I hurt her with the fallout.
Exactly what I was trying to avoid.
I pull my phone from the back pocket of my jeans and pull up my dad’s contact and dial.
“Hey dad, are you home?”
“Yeah bud, is everything okay?” I know he can tell from my voice that everything isn’t okay.
“Yeah, I just need to talk. Can I come by?”
“Come on over.”
“See you soon.” I hung up, grabbed my trucker jacket from the hook by the door and headed for dad’s.
* * *
I pulled up to my parent’s house ten minutes later, and I see the kitchen light flick on. I jog up to the door, spin my key chain around my finger and find the key on my key ring. I turn the lock and let myself in.
“I’m in the kitchen!” I hear my dad’s voice filter from down the hall.
I pad down the short hallway that leads to the kitchen. Most of the lights are dimmed or off throughout the house, but I can hear the television on in the other room. It’s clear that he was winding down for the night.
“Sounded like you could use a drink?” My dad is twisting the cap back onto a bottle of bourbon.
I just nod and he slides a two finger pour over to me. He raises his glass to mine and we do a faint tap of our glasses together.
We take a sip and then face off for a few seconds. We’re separated by the kitchen island. I set my glass down and lean over the island, propping myself up on my elbows, and pressing my face into my hands with a groan.
“What’s going on, son?”
I’m silent for a beat. Because I haven’t sorted this all out. My heart is racing, my chest is tight, and I feel like I can’t get a deep breath.
I hate this feeling in my chest, and that’s when I feel my throat tighten, and my eyes burn.
“Dad, I’m so messed up.” I say, my voice cracking. Not sure how much longer I’ll be able to keep my composure. I’m unraveling.
Dad rounds the island and puts his hand on my back.
“Let’s go sit.” He nods towards the kitchen nook where there’s a small table with a couple chairs around it. It’s the same place mom used to read her book in the morning with her cup of coffee.
If I close my eyes I can see her sitting there in her polka dot robe, fuzzy slippers and one of her silly coffee mugs and one of her Nora Robert’s novels. The thought of it is making my eyes sting.
“Dawsen, what’s going on?”
I take a breath, or at least I’m trying to get one.
“I’ve fucked everything up. Mom is gone because of me, I let my guard down, I got too close to Birdie, and I hurt her, and I just can’t stop replaying that night in the car with mom.
I can’t get her face out of my mind, her face of disappointment and sadness.
It’s like ingrained in my mind and I can’t get it out.
It’s fucking branded on my heart, dad.” My fingers scrape through my hair, as if trying to claw the memories out.
I can’t breathe.
“Son, son, listen. Breathe.” My dad’s hand is on my shoulder.
“I can’t.” It’s in this moment I feel everything inside of me just shatter.
Before I can make another move, my dad’s moved his chair right in front of me and he pulls me into his embrace.
My dad’s hugging me, and that’s when I lose it. I can’t hold back my tears.
I don’t think I’ve ever cried like this.
I cried when mom died, but I don’t think I’ve ever fully let my guard down. I couldn’t. I had to be strong for my dad. I didn’t deserve to come undone. It was my doing. I was the one with blood on my hands.
“I’m so sorry, dad. I’m so sorry.”
“Shhh… shh.” My dad is rubbing my back.
“I’m sorry, dad. I’m so fucking sorry.” I say, the breaths are short and shallow in between and it physically hurts.
My dad, pulling me in closer, I can feel his breathing is unsteady, and I know he’s crying too.
“Son, breathe. Just breathe.”
We sit like this for a few minutes until I’m able to get my bearings. Until my breath starts to steady.
The tears mostly subside and my dad pulls back, putting his hands on either of my shoulders.
“Son, you’ve got to be easier on yourself. You can’t keep all of this bottled up. It’s eating you alive.”
My eyes sting, and my face feels numb.
“My bad decisions ruined your life dad. My bad decisions took everything from you. I don’t have a mom anymore. I don’t deserve happiness. I don’t deserve the forgiveness you keep giving me.”
“Dawsen, you’ve got this all wrong. You have misunderstood. You didn’t ruin my life, son.” He says this, so calmly, it’s soothing the pain in my chest.
“Your mom was the love of my life. She still is. Just in the same way that she is still very much your mother. Just because she isn’t here anymore, doesn’t mean she’s gone, Dawsen.”
My dad sighs and rubs his hand against the stubble on his face then presses his finger to my chest.
“She’s in here. She’s always going to be. Can’t you feel her still?” He asks, and another flood of tears fill my eyes.
“Life happens to all of us. It doesn’t go easy on anyone.
We have choices we make and one of those choices is choosing to love someone.
I chose to love your mother regardless of anything life threw at us.
Unfortunately, life came down on us, it came down on us hard.
But there’s not one ounce of regret that I have.
I’d choose her everyday, I’d go through the pain of losing her all over again just to experience how sweet life was beside her.
Your mother was my dream. She was a dream come true.
The same way that your mother was my dream, you were our dream too, son. ”
He takes a breath, and my whole face is tight.
“You were our dream come true. We have always been so proud of you. Your choices have never made us love you more or love you less. There’s nothing you could ever do to change that.
Life happens. It rained on you and I hard, son, but we’re so lucky we had the time with her that we did.
And I’m so blessed to watch you grow into the man your mother and I always knew you were.
But the successes and wins mean nothing if you don’t let go of the burden you’ve been lugging around. ”
“I wish I could take back everything from that night and do it all over again.”
Dad chuckles under his breath.
“I’ve had plenty of those.” He sighs.
“But, life’s a gift. I’ve learned that spending it in regret is a waste. But there is one thing I wish I could change and you know what it is?”
“What is it?” I ask.
“When I met your mom, I fell in love with her almost immediately. Everything about her I was drawn to. It was one of those moments where I just knew. I knew she was the one I wanted next to me for however long we were given. Whether it was a month, or 70 years. But I didn’t feel worthy.
I felt like a pauper and she was this princess.
I let so much time go by before I told her how I felt.
I watched her date other guys, I watched her live her beautiful life without me in it.
And I wish I would have made her mine sooner. ”
I rub my eyes with my thumb and my middle finger. My dad picks up his glass of bourbon and takes a sip.
“Don’t make the same mistake I did, son.”
I nod at him, and we both reach for our glasses and sip in the shared solitude.
I’ve been carrying this around all this time, and tonight I set it down.
* * *
I ended up staying to watch the rest of Top Gun with my dad and now it’s midnight. Officially Christmas Eve and it’s freaking cold as I make my way back to my truck. I feel like I’m having an emotional hangover. I haven’t cried like that since—well, ever.
I hop in my truck, turn the key and crank the heat dial all the way.
It’s going to take awhile for it to warm up so I rub my hands together to create some body heat.
There was a light dusting of snow coming down, and the way the street looked so quiet, only lit by the Christmas lights on the neighboring houses.
It was the first time I felt any semblance of peace since my mom passed.
I grab my phone and pull open my text messages and start thumbing across the screen.
Me: Are you awake?
I set my phone face down on the seat, willing myself not to look at it and it vibrates almost immediately. I turn it over in a split second and see her name.
Birdie: Why?
I smile.
I throw my car into drive and head towards Birdie’s house, which thankfully less than a mile away.
Me: Can you come outside?
Birdie: It’s midnight. What do you want?
Me: Please just come outside. I’m on your porch.
A few minutes later, her front door clicks open and Birdie comes out wrapped tightly in a fuzzy leopard print robe, and slippers with big smiley faces on them. Her arms are crossed and there’s an annoyed scowl on her face.
“What do you want?”
“I want to take you on a date.” I say, smiling, and stuffing my hands into the pockets in my jacket.
She’s staring at me. Like she’s confused. Like she doesn’t know what to make of this and I honestly don’t blame her, all things considering.
“I’m sorry it’s late. I just didn’t want to waste another minute. Can I take you out for breakfast in the morning?”
“Dawsen, what is going on right now?”
“You told me to let you know when I’ve figured this out.”
“I told you that like five hours ago.” She says, softening.
“Yeah, you did. And I got on it right away.” I say, smiling because I can’t help it now.
“It’s snowing.” She says, her eyes wandering to the white flakes softly cascading from the sky.
I turn slightly to look at the yard.
“It is. So…” I begin to ask again when she cuts me off—
“Okay.”
“Okay?” I ask, just to clarify.
“Okay.” She breaks into a small smile. Her cheeks are rosy from the cold, and the glow from the Christmas lights are reflecting in her eyes and it’s this moment that I am going to remember forever.
“Okay. I’ll pick you up around nine. Does that work?”
“Yeah, that’s perfect.” She says, her eyes fixed on mine, like she’s trying to decode something in them.
“I’ll see you in a few hours then.” I say, as I start taking slow steps backwards.
“Okay.” She says smiling.
“Okay.” I repeat, smiling back, not breaking eye contact as she slips back into the house. I don’t look away until she closes the door and I hear the lock click.
I’m walking back to my car and I feel a stirring in my gut. I look up towards the drifting snow and whisper to it, “I love you, mom.”