Chapter 30
As we make our way back to the castle in the carriage, I finally feel like pieces of a puzzle I never knew I needed to solve are falling into place. I’m terrified for so many different reasons, but it also feels right.
Gaethri and Rhydra stayed behind at the inn, where they’ve been staying since they were released. I have so much more I want to ask them, so much I want to tell them, but I think we’ll all have plenty of time to get to know each other more on our upcoming journey.
We ride back in mostly silence. Raef tries to start a conversation once or twice, but no one else seems in the mood.
I stare out the window the whole time into the bleak world.
I look into the swirling, dark gray beast that’s loomed above us my entire life.
All of our lives. For most people, it’s probably a normal part of life that they don’t think about often, but for someone like me who has spent her life buried in books, who has seen what the world was like before, it's hard not to think about the constant, looming evil that hangs over us. Sometimes, if I think about it too hard, I feel suffocated. Like it’s a living thing that’s dug its claws into us, into the ground, and won’t ever let go.
I shudder, looking away.
“So, ladies… dinner tonight?” Raef asks, trying once again to ease the tension in the carriage. He’s usually good at that, but I’m not in the mood today.
“We can start tomorrow,” I mumble, avoiding everyone’s stares.
No one argues.
When we arrive back at the castle, I say goodbye to Meela and offer an indecipherable sound to the dragons before heading to my rooms.
I just want to be alone.
I’ve spent most of my life this way, not really having anyone I was incredibly close with, and now it feels like that’s all about to change.
Like this newfound group I’ve somehow stumbled into is going to become bonded in a way I never could have fathomed.
Even my relationship with Meela, who I’ve known my whole life, already feels closer than it’s ever been.
I think a large part of me missed the close relationship I could have had with my mother so much that I shut everyone else out.
Like if I couldn’t have that with her, then I didn’t want it with anyone.
So tonight, I just want one last night to myself.
To process. To prepare for the flirting I have to do with Daegan, whom I finally admit I have an annoyingly ridiculous attraction to.
So much so that I can barely breathe right when he’s in the same room.
It’s pathetic, and I need to squash it now.
I’ve had a crush on Adrian half my life, but that always seemed unattainable as a young girl.
Like a fantasy. And it never felt like this.
This feels like it could quickly become all-encompassing. It could be my ruin if I let it.
We would never work.
As I lay in my perfectly warm bath, sipping a glass of wine—the normal kind—I almost consider sending for Adrian. A horrible part of me thinks that if I invite him to come keep me company, it will quiet this craving I have for Daegan. Perhaps any male will do.
But that would just make things messy for our plan, because tomorrow I need to start spending more time with Daegan, which would likely throw Adrian even further into a jealous rage than he already is. So, I erase that idea from my head. I need to suck it up and do this for the team.
Besides, deep down I know that night I spent with Adrian didn’t feel right. And I know that one glance from him from across a crowded room doesn’t turn the rest of my world blurry like another’s gaze does.
I pull on a robe as I step out of the bath, drying my long hair with a separate cloth.
A knock sounds at my main door.
My chest feels light, and I realize that suddenly I don’t care about being alone, and there’s only one person I hope is standing on the other side.
As I yank it open, my chest flutters more.
“Hey,” he says, leaning on my door frame. He towers over me as he looks at me through those thick lashes. His gaze seems less intense tonight. Softer.
“Hi.”
“Can I come in?”
I step aside. Words fail me.
I may be in a thin, silky robe with nothing underneath, but Daegan’s gaze doesn’t lower even a little.
Admittedly, that makes me slightly bummed. Some carnal urge in me wants his eyes all over me. Desperately.
He takes a seat on the cushioned lounger for two, looking completely at ease as he drapes his muscular arm over the side.
“Can I get you something?” I ask, my voice sounding high-pitched, confused.
“Sure.”
I raise my eyebrows at him when he doesn’t elaborate.
“Surprise me,” he answers with a smirk.
“Okaaay…”
As I fill another glass with the wine I was just drinking and top off my own, I notice Lemakis looking very perky, standing at attention. I roll my eyes. “Nosy,” I whisper.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Just chastising my busybody plant.”
“Your…”
“He’s special. Alive in a way that’s different from… other plants. Sentient, maybe…”
His eyebrows pinch together and curiosity lights up his face as he stands and approaches Lemakis. He examines the plant, then reaches out a hand. His finger strokes a lavender leaf and Lemakis very slowly expands all of his branches in delight. I think.
“He likes you…” I mutter.
Daegan chuckles under his breath, his attention on the plant for a few more moments before he returns to his seat.
I turn and grab the filled glasses, then face my guest again.
He’s mindlessly twirling his eyebrow stud with two fingers. When I reach him, he glances up at me as I hand him a glass. He pauses, then he pats the spot beside him. “Sit.”
I do as he commands.
“So… what brings you here tonight?”
He takes a huge swig of his drink, then sets it down on the table, taking a deep breath. He focuses on me again. “Well, I can tell you’re not exactly… comfortable with this arrangement. I wish there was another way but… no one could come up with anything better.”
There wasn’t a question in there, so I don’t say anything.
“I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable,” he continues softly. “So I’m here to try to help with that.”
“How?” I ask.
“You can start by taking a sip of that drink.”
“I already had a head start,” I tell him. But I take a big swig anyway. “Now what?”
“Give me,” he says, reaching out for my legs.
“What?”
I let out a shriek as he pulls my legs up and places my feet in his lap, twisting me so I fall back against the arm rest. He begins to rub one with his long, rough fingers, and I’m too surprised to do anything about it.
He looks over at me with a crooked grin. “Drink,” he orders again. I do. Somehow, I didn’t spill any when he repositioned me.
I don’t know what’s happening. How is this supposed to make me more comfortable?
“When I was seven,” he begins, looking off into the distance.
His shift in tone immediately makes me relax and focus more on what he’s about to say.
It feels great. I stare at his beautiful side profile, waiting for him to continue.
“My mother got really sick. We had no idea why. Well, we had an inkling. People in our homeland had been getting mysteriously sick for centuries, but we were still no closer to figuring out why, exactly. The only explanation they’d ever been able to come up with was that the curse was causing it. ”
He pauses for a minute, mindlessly kneading the bottom of my foot with his thumbs. I continue to watch his face as he looks into the past.
“She died a year later.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper.
He glances at me. “Thank you. I barely remember her face anymore, but I know that I loved her, and she loved me tremendously.”
“My mother died in childbirth.”
He meets my eyes, and his are swimming with genuine sympathy. “I’m sorry too.”
“It’s okay.”
His gaze lingers another moment before he looks away. “My father became more intense after that. I hear he wasn’t always this way.”
“What way is he?” I ask gently.
“Obsessed, narrow-minded, relentless. He raised me with very strict training. And he wasn’t often kind. A lot of the scattered scars on my body will tell you of that tale.”
I gasp.
“It wasn’t all bad,” he says. I don’t know if he’s assuring me, or himself. “He still loves me, in his own way. He just became so obsessed with us rising to power again that he lost sight of what’s in front of him.”
“What about Raef’s father?” I ask.
“Dead. Along with his mother.”
I raise my hand to my mouth.
“He was raised with me. Raef is actually my cousin.”
He looks at me then, checking for my reaction. I don’t know why but it makes me smile, if only for a moment. But then it fades. “So your father raised him the same?”
Daegan’s head tilts from side to side. “Sort of. His mother was my father’s sister, who I think he had a soft spot for. I think he was probably a lot harder on me. But Raef shouldn’t have received any of that treatment.”
“Neither of you should have.”
He shrugs.
He sets my foot down in his lap, gently picks up the other one, then glances over at me. “How was growing up here?”
“Um…” I feel bad. I wasn’t raised nearly as terrible as that. “About what you’d expect.”
“Which is?”
“Well, my father mostly left me alone. I did my schooling, and I spent a lot of time in the library, as you may have already guessed. I didn’t get out of these castle walls much.”
He nods, mulling it over. “And when you got older? Parties? Friends?”
“Mostly just Meela, but I didn’t go to many parties.”
“There are a lot of people living in this castle, huh?”
I nod.
“Employees of your father’s?”
“Yes. The castle staff and their families. Some people of nobility. Things like that. It’s like a village of its own.”
He nods again. “Makes sense. It’s large enough to house an entire village worth of people.”
“It’s home. But some of my fondest memories, besides spending my time buried in books, are going on trips with my father and some of his court. Outside of Ellyar”
“You mentioned you traveled before…”