Chapter 33
Two days have gone by quicker than a glass of nox wine sinking its claws into Raef, and suddenly it’s the night before we’re set to leave.
First thing in the morning. We’re all having dinner in Meela’s room, which has become our routine the last couple of nights.
Meela and Raef go at each other constantly, but I think there’s a strange sort of fondness between them.
Perhaps not romantically, but it's hard to tell with them. She told me she’d never love again, and I sort of believe her. I believe in her tenacity.
Then again, things can change.
We’ve met with Gaethri and Rhydra once at the library and once in town, since it’s easier to talk there.
The plan is mostly set, but we’re also hoping for a lot of luck. No one knows exactly where the sword is. Just the general area from the legends Gaethri grew up hearing.
I won’t let myself consider that this entire trip could be a waste.
Daegan sits by my side quietly, like he always does. So close, and yet still so distant half the time. The small things he does in the halls or at meals to keep up the act drive me just as crazy as the first time. But it’s a strange rhythm we’ve fallen into, and I’m used to the torture now.
Sort of.
I still think about smoky, woodsy scents and the deepest shades of blue when I go to sleep.
“I’m tired,” I announce to the room. “I think I’ll go and get some good rest before the journey.”
I know Daegan is going to rise before he does. “I’ll walk you,” he says.
I know.
We walk at a slow pace through the darkened, quiet halls.
Most people are in bed for the night already.
We don’t say much, but I feel peace in his company anyway.
When we reach my door, I plan on saying a quick goodnight and shutting the door, but the thought of being alone on such a big night suddenly makes me feel… anxious.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Something is.”
The corner of my lip pulls up. He always knows. He’s always paying attention.
“I’m just not sure if I want to be alone, suddenly.”
“I can stay.” It comes out quiet, but so certain.
I can’t look away from his gaze and deny him. I need to, but I can’t. “Thank you.”
He takes the key from my hand as he moves around me and leads the way inside.
“I just need to take a bath,” I tell him.
The large, empty room feels too quiet, filled with too many possibilities.
He takes a seat. “I’ll wait for you.”
I’m about to exit the room, but then I hesitate and turn back around. “Do you need to?”
“What?”
“Have a bath?”
He pauses. “Yes.”
“Okay. I’ll make one up for you after.”
“Thank you.”
I heat up the water as usual, undress, and soak in the tub. This isn’t a good distraction, because all I can fucking think about is Daegan sitting out there while I’m naked in the tub, and how he’ll be sitting in the same tub soon, also naked.
I’m sure his large body will fill the whole thing.
I shake the thought away and climb out, tying my robe.
When I emerge, I immediately smell something in the air. I find Daegan sitting back, relaxed, smoking a small rolled up joint filled with spices.
He looks at me with his head tilted back, his lids heavy. “Hope you don’t mind,” he says.
I shake my head. “No. I didn’t know you did that.”
“Not often.”
“Oh.”
He sits up, patting between his legs. “I’ll braid your hair.”
It felt too nice last time for me to turn it down. I kneel in front of him without question, sitting back on my heels.
He smells different tonight. His usual smoky scent mixed with the spices makes for an intoxicating combination.
I can’t help that my body is having an intense reaction to it.
He reaches around, offering me the joint, and I shake my head at first. But as he pulls away, I grab his forearm, stopping him, and take it from his grasp.
He chuckles behind me. It’s a smooth, delicious sound that warms me all the way to my damn core.
His fingers gently graze my head before he grabs on and tilts it back, pulling gently on my hair. I close my eyes. Then I feel him lean in a little closer.
“Hmm.”
“What?” I ask.
“There’s a coast not far from Torrynth I used to go to as a kid. We have a small fortress there. The air has a small bite to it, but it smells salty and… sweet. I loved it there.”
“Sounds amazing.”
“Yeah. Anyway, that’s what you smell like.”
A fluttering in my chest nearly steals my breath. I think he meant that in a good way?
I take a puff from the joint I’ve been holding and knowing damn well that one hit will be enough for me, I offer it back to him.
“Just set it on the table.”
I do.
Then I close my eyes and enjoy the sensations. I fall into an almost euphoric state as he pulls and grazes his fingers along my scalp. The spices might be kicking in, because it feels so good I let out a small moan.
He freezes, and my eyes pop open.
Oops.
He shifts behind me, his legs nudging me as he adjusts. And then he continues to braid in silence until he’s done.
“Thank you,” I say, standing. Sad that it’s over already.
“You’re welcome,” he mumbles. He stands quickly, already heading toward the bathing chamber.
Do I wait for him out here? Do I head to bed?
I decide to wait.
He emerges in no time, and my mouth parts at the sight of him.
He’s wearing a bathing cloth tied around his waist, his smooth, defined ab muscles and shoulders on full display.
“Would you happen to have any extra…”
We lock eyes, and he stops.
“I—” My breath hitches and words fail me.
“Of course you don’t. That was a stupid idea.” He shakes his head and pieces of his wet hair fall onto his forehead.
“I don’t have any male clothes. Sorry,” I take a breath and try not to look down. “Do you still have to get everything you need for the trip before the morning though?”
“It’s already at the stables,” he says. “I’ll just put my pants back on,” he mumbles, turning away.
His back is chiseled with even more muscles. I can’t tear my eyes away.
He emerges again after another moment, still shirtless but wearing his black pants. “Do you mind if I sleep in this? I run really hot…”
I shake my head. “What do you normally sleep in?”
“Nothing.”
“Oh.”
Naked? He sleeps naked. Why the fuck did he have to tell me that.
“Okay, well… you can sleep here. It’s comfortable. I’m off to bed.”
He steps closer, and I can’t rip my eyes away from the wet hair, his glistening torso, his intense eyes…
“Goodnight,” I whisper when he’s within a few steps.
“Goodnight, Elysande,” he says. He reaches out a hand and smooths down a piece of hair on my head. “Sweet dreams.”
It has to be the hit I took. I can’t stop staring at his full, pink lips, his torso, all of it. I’m drowning in it.
And for some reason, I feel like he’s looking at me like I’m something he can’t have. There’s sorrow in his eyes. But I’m right in front of him, thirsting for just a touch.
“Maybe…” I whisper. “Just for tonight…”
His jaw tightens, and he shakes his head. Then, grabbing onto both sides of my face with gentle hands, he looks into my eyes. “I don’t deserve you.” The confession that spills out of his lips in a whisper has the opposite effect of what he intended. His eyes are haunted, but so am I.
Heat builds between my legs and in my belly.
I reach out slowly, and his eyes remain locked on mine as I run my hand down his smooth chest.
He grabs my hand with both of his large hands, then turns his head to the side, holding onto it tightly. “Fuck,” he mumbles quietly as he avoids looking at me. And then he drops it.
I bite my lip as he sits down. I turn, standing right in front of him. He runs a hand down his face, then looks at me, his eyes full of clarity as they make their way up my body in a slow perusal. When his eyes reach mine, his chest rises with a deep breath.
I know that he wants this too. I see it in his eyes. I just don’t know why he’s fighting it so hard. Right now, I don’t care. I decide to be bold.
And I climb onto his lap.
His dick is hard beneath me. I release a soft gasp, and he stares at me with a burning intensity as I wrap my arms around his bare shoulders. How could he fight this when it feels so right?
He still won’t make a move. He just looks at me.
So I lean in, pressing my lips to his softly, and then I pull back.
Something settles in his eyes. He takes a breath, and then everything changes. He pulls my head toward him, our mouths now connecting with urgency. It’s better than I even imagined. The smoky taste of him, the softness of his lips against mine, how our bodies fit together.
I moan as his tongue enters my mouth, his hips thrusting up into me. He wraps his firm, strong arms around my waist like he doesn’t want to let go.
And I don’t want him to.
My hands reach into his damp hair, tugging on it as his hands squeeze my ass hard and push me down against his hardness.
I release a breathy moan into his mouth, my entire body beginning to ache with need for him.
“Fuck, Elle,” he says against my lips.
“I want you,” I whisper back, then press my lips to his again. “Just for tonight.” I know he doesn’t want more.
He pulls back slowly, his jaw clamping shut. And then he drops his hands, leaving my body aching with the absence of them. The look on his face makes my stomach fill with something heavy.
“We can’t, Elysande.” He turns his head away from me. “We just… can’t.”
“Why not?” I demand.
He sighs heavily as he runs a hand down his face.
“I can’t give you what you deserve. I don’t know what my future looks like. Saving my people is the only thing I’ve ever cared about…”
“Oh.” I take a shallow breath. “What if I just want…” I don’t know how to say the words. My gaze travels slowly down his torso, to his belt, and lower. My breathing is heavy as I return my gaze to his. I’m still straddling his lap.
He lowers his hand down the length of my braid, slowly, his eyes tracking the motion. “You deserve someone who will take care of you, be gentle with you. Lay you down softly and ask if you’re alright. Someone who isn’t risking fucking everything to save their dying people.”
My lips part. “And that’s not you?” I breathe.
“No,” he says quietly, gazing into my eyes again as he drops his hand. “That’s not me.”
“Well you know what I think?”
“What?”
“I think you’re full of shit.”
He gives a short, humorless laugh, then shakes his head. I see him shutting down through his eyes.
I climb off his lap, linger one more moment where I’m met with silence, and then I turn away. “Goodnight, then.”
“Goodnight,” I hear him mumble back as I storm off and shut my door.
Tears sting my eyes as I climb in bed.
I know that he wants me too. I’m not crazy. I see it in his eyes. I don’t understand why he’s holding back. Who cares if he has shit going on, it doesn’t mean we can’t get wrapped up in each other for one night.
This should make the journey tomorrow quite awkward.
At least we don’t have to pretend to like each other any longer.