Chapter 40
“I need to talk to you.”
“Okay…” I take a seat on the bed as Meela leans back against the wooden drawers in our room. Her expression suggests she may be breaking some terrible news to me at any moment.
She exhales and meets my eyes.
Then she freezes.
“Spit it out.”
She looks down at the floor, as if she’s going to summon some confidence out of it, then her eyes flick back up to meet mine. “I’m not going back.”
I tilt my head and study her. “What?”
“I’m not going back to Ellyar with you.”
“But…” A cold, icy panic invades my chest cavity. “It’s home.”
She shakes her head slowly, solemnly. “Not for me,” she whispers, glancing at the wooden floor again.
“Are you… running away with Raef or something?”
“No. It’s not like that. We’re… friends.
Or something.” She shakes her head again, then straightens, steeling her resolve.
“And it’s not really about that. We’re older now.
I’ve seen some of the world, and I’d like to see more.
I can’t go back there now. Now that I’ve had a taste of being free of… him.”
Her father.
Her father, who had the love of her life killed. Her father, who she’s faced every day since, pretending everything was okay. I’ll never understand how she managed to do it, but I respect the shit out of her for her strength.
“I’m sorry I didn’t know…” I tell her, barely above a whisper. I hate that she’s been suffering all this time and I never knew. I couldn’t be there for her.
“Don’t be. That was my choice.”
I look at her, knowing she’s completely serious. I have no doubts that she’ll do this and never look back. “Does Raef know? Daegan?”
“Just Raef.”
I nod, and then out of nowhere my eyes begin to burn, and a tear slips out and rolls down my cheek.
“You can come with us…”
I take a deep breath, then meet her gaze. She watches me wipe my cheek. “It’s so hard to be around him,” I admit in a whisper. “I’m in…” I stop myself. I can’t believe I almost spoke those words out loud when I haven’t even admitted it to myself until now.
“You’re in love with him.”
I shake my head. It’s a pathetic denial. Fitting, for how pathetic I am. “No,” I say weakly.
“Okay, well. You need to talk to him. Go stay in that room tonight. I don’t care. Work it out.”
“I won’t throw myself at him again. I’ve made a fool of myself one too many times.” Just because he’s decided to show me affection today doesn’t mean he won’t shut down again tomorrow.
“Okay. Then don’t go.”
“How am I supposed to make this decision in a matter of days?” I slump my shoulders forward, feeling utterly lost.
“Well, let me ask you this… why do you really think you need to return to Ellyar? Is there an actual good reason, or is it only because of your feelings for him?”
“That’s not a good enough reason?”
“No,” she replies simply. “You know this is bigger than that. Fuck, you started this whole thing. You can’t back out now just because of an asshole dragon with commitment issues.”
“I don’t…” I trail off, not even knowing what I was going to say. I thought I had good reasons before, but Daegan already had good arguments for all of them. The library, the diadem… we can keep searching from anywhere. It might even be beneficial to look elsewhere.
“Think about it. We’re heading in that direction for another day or two before it splits off toward Ellyar. But if it helps, I’d be a lot happier if you came with us.”
“Do you think my father will put a bounty out for me if I disappear?”
“It’s possible. But no one in Torrynth will sell you out to him.”
“How do you know?”
“Because they all hate him with a burning passion. And I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they also have a lot of pride. Enough that none of them will do a single thing to help him.”
“Did you see the sword?” I ask.
She nods. “We all did when you were… passed out. After you saved our fucking asses. Gaethri thinks it’s the one. So do Daegan and Raef. We also filled them in on all the other details they were in the dark about. It was part of the deal.”
I don’t protest. I have no qualms about that. I trust this little circle that’s come together by chance or fate or whatever you want to call it.
Now seems like the perfect time for a bath, so I start one and think more as I soak in the familiar warmth. After the bath I take my time getting ready, lost in my thoughts, needing this little stretch of quiet time away from everyone more than I knew.
Thinking about this entire group going on without me while I just return to my old life, alone…
it fills my chest with a sadness that I can’t ignore.
I’ve never really had anything to lose before, but now it finally feels like I’m gaining a family, and they’re all on this journey with me, taking the same risks.
Leaving them while they travel to the other side of the continent…
it seems so unfair. I wish there was a better way.
But I really could stay behind and be useful from there.
I could go back to how I was for years, scouring the library for clues, searching the castle for the relic, sending them messages somehow…
But I know, deep down, I can never go back to who I was. I’ve changed. And I know now that this decision can’t rest solely on my silly emotions, and whatever game Daegan is playing.
I need to talk to him.
I find him downstairs, eating with everyone else. Somehow, his eyes flick up and find mine the moment I walk into the room.
I had plans to confront him and tell him my demands, but now that I’m down here and I can smell the savory aromas in the air, I realize how hungry I am. It can wait.
I sit at the far end of the table by Gaethri and Rhydra, who watch me inhale my food in record time. I don’t even have a moment to speak.
Afterwards, I grab an ale for a little liquid courage, chug half of it right away, and march up to Daegan.
“I need to talk to you.”
“Okay.”
I lead him down a dark, secluded hallway, then turn to face him, leaning back against the wall.
“This stops now,” I tell him, my voice stern.
“What?”
“If I’m going with you guys, it’s as a partnership.
With all of us. Nothing more.” I look him up and down, ignoring every enticing thing about him.
Which is everything. Literally everything.
“No more locking eyes with me across the room, no more wrapping your body around me in the middle of the night, no more demanding I be followed because you think you have some sort of protective claim over me. None of it. We’re friends, allies, and nothing more. ”
Daegan’s chest expands as he takes a breath, his eyes surveying me. A ghost of a smirk touches his lips for some reason. “No.”
“What?”
“No. I cannot agree to that.”
“Why not? You don’t want me to come now? You’ve changed your mind?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“Then I don’t—”
“I’m not agreeing to any of that, because I want all of it.”
My jaw twitches as I clamp my mouth shut.
“Well you can’t have it!” I finally shout at him.
If he’s affected by me shouting at him, he doesn’t show it.
“Elysande, listen,” he says, earnest. “I’m sorry if it feels like I was playing games with you.
I know you’ve heard that I don’t exactly get serious with anyone, but that was before, and I promise you, playing games was never my intention. I was only ever trying to protect you.”
“From you?”
“Yes.”
“Why does it feel like you’re always apologizing to me?”
“Because I’m a giant asshole.”
I tilt my head, my expression telling him I don’t disagree. “I just don’t understand what you think you’re trying to protect me from.”
“Was,” he says.
“Huh?”
“I was trying to protect you. But I can’t do it anymore...” He shakes his head, taking a deep breath. His large chest sticks out. “I’m weak.”
“Protect me from what?” I ask with a raised voice again.
“It’s—”
“It’s complicated,” I guess, cutting him off.
He looks conflicted, his gaze pleading with me to understand something that I have no clue about.
“It’s true, I am an asshole. I’ve spent my entire life hating the elves and everything they stand for.
So when I first started noticing how fucking incredible you are, I tried to ignore it.
But I couldn’t. Everything in me wanted to fucking protect you, to be near you at all times, to be enveloped in that scent of yours that makes me feel like I’m standing in a salty breeze on the coast without a care in the world.
I’ve never felt this way before. Even though I don’t deserve you.
I know that…” he trails off, his eyes meeting mine, heat flickering in his gaze.
His eyes flick down to my lips, and my stupid, traitorous heart leaps.
“I can’t stop thinking about the taste of your lips on my mouth,” he whispers.
My breath hitches and my heart starts to beat faster.
I look him up and down, taking my time as I take in every curve of his body.
Putting aside my pride at him rejecting me, I start thinking about what I haven’t allowed myself to fantasize about for days—how much I want to feel his hard body against mine again, his lips on mine…
“Maybe if we just get it out of our system for one night we can go back to… normal.” My body hums as I speak the thoughts out loud.
I don’t actually mean it because I’m in way too deep to forget now, but with the way he’s taking up my space right now, I can’t think straight.
All I want is him. Forget the consequences.
He shakes his head, stopping my thoughts.
“It’s more than that,” he says, imploring with his eyes. “You’re consuming my every thought. I want more.”
I close my mouth in a tight line. My heart thumps hard against my chest, unsure where he’s going with this.
“Every time you laugh, every time you carelessly throw yourself into danger for others, every time you smile, every time you get annoyed with me and your chest rises slowly as you take in an irritated breath, every time you curl deeper into me when I hold you at night… I find it harder and harder to stay away. Fucking impossible, really.”
I’m weak. I’m so incredibly weak.