Chapter 21
Cade
Ialmost forgot we’re not just Bunny and Cade.
The solitude over the last few days tricked me into believing we’re just two people, folded into each other’s bodies—normal and in love.
We laughed and talked and fucked until the sun came and went.
Suddenly, we had more money than we knew what to do with, and yet it didn’t matter because the only thing we needed was each other.
Everything was perfect, and what solidified it was that my brain finally stopped screaming. I felt a sense of peace for the first time in years.
And then the news came on, and our faces were plastered for all the world to see.
“Authorities continue searching on Tuesday for a young man and woman suspected in last week's double homicide on Park Avenue. The medical examiner’s office identified the two victims killed as Nathan Alexander McDermot, 40, and Colette Renee Sulivan, 33.
Both victims were found deceased in their upscale Manhattan apartment—"
“Fuck,” Bunny whispers, gaping at the screen beneath the covers. My gut sinks, and the noise in my head returns.
Fuck.
“Investigators don’t yet know the motive behind the June 14th slaughter in the Upper East Side of Manhattan’s Historic District.
The victims' families are distraught over the news, claiming the two were beloved by all. McDermot comes from a long line of investment bankers, and Sulivan was a renowned photographer with many successful galleries across the state.”
I feel my knees weaken, so I plant my feet in the carpet and breathe.
My fingers go numb from clenching the towel around my waist, but I can’t look away.
“The two suspects were last seen driving a 1975 white Ford convertible with a chipped bumper and the license plate number N7LT687. If you see these two, authorities have advised you not to confront them. They are considered armed and dangerous. Police asked anyone with information on their whereabouts to call them at 555-265-5243 or to submit an anonymous tip at 555-0010.”
Bunny, now on her knees, holds her hand against her chest, clawing at my shirt draped over her body.
I can see the panic building in her glare, a storm brewing in the deep blue.
Losing my ability to speak, I do the only thing I can and rush to shut it off.
I can still see our sketched faces, though, as if we’re burned into the glass.
“Shit.”
Behind me, Bunny scratches divots in her scalp, chiding, “I should have known… I should have known… I didn’t even think…”
Unable to process anything but the sound of blood and static in my ears, I do the only thing I know how.
Survive.
“We gotta go,” I deadpan. “Now!” Throwing on the first thing I see, I scavenge the room, throwing everything we’ve collected onto the bed beside her knees. “Now, Bunny!” tossing her some clothes, “Get dressed! We’re going.”
“Where are we going to go?” she asks with a tremor, but I’m too busy to answer. I’m too—I don’t know. I don’t know. “Cade.”
“Bunny! I don’t know! I don’t know!” I break, feeling every piece of armor I’ve built crack. “But we can’t stay here! They have the car. They have our faces!” Drawings, but close enough to matter. “How long before they find us? Huh? They can’t find us here. We can’t do that to Susie.”
“I know,” Bunny sighs, slipping too-big pants over her legs, “but where do we go? What do we do with the car?”
Shit. I don’t fucking know. “There are tons of alleys,” I throw out. “We’ll drop it in one, and when they find it, Susie will report it stolen.” There. One problem solved.
“And then what?”
Fuck! “And then,” I rack my brain searching for every possible solution, but my mind comes up empty.
Like wind, every idea slips through my fingers, all of them unattainable.
“And then I don’t know. I don’t know, Bun.
” I’m defeated. “I didn’t think this far.
” I’ve failed. “I just wanted you to be safe.” And now her face is on the national news.
I don’t feel my knees crunch when they hit the floor.
I also hardly notice the tears flooding my eyes, but the hole growing in my chest, threatening to devour me completely…
that refuses to be ignored. I try to snuff out the pain by pressing my face into the bed.
Maybe suffocation is all I need, but the arms come to rest around me, and a head lies on top of mine.
Delicate hands find my cheeks, cradling them softly. “Hey,” Bunny whispers, pulling me away. She doesn’t give me the opportunity to bury my face again, climbing onto my lap.
My tears.
Fuck.
Blinking, I try to rip my face out of her hands, but Bunny holds firm, eyes hardening when I try to hide myself. It’s a struggle to let her see, but in the end, I give up and give in, letting her see the broken parts.
She doesn’t turn away.
She isn’t disgusted.
Bunny just holds me tight, and when I’m ready, she says, “We’re going to be fine. I promise we’re going to be fine. We just need to get out of here, and then we’ll be fine.”
But what if we’re not, the worst parts of my mind whisper. I can’t give in to the worst parts of myself. So, instead, I give in to her embrace. Wrapping my arms around her, I match her breathing, steadying my heart so I can come back to her—the way she needs me to.
“I got you,” I swear I fucking do, Bunny. I fucking promise I got you. Or I’ll die trying.
“Until the end?”
Until the very last second.
It doesn’t take long for us to collect what little we have. Everything fits into two bags. It should have been easy for us to slip out, but it’s like Susie was waiting—like she knew what we would do.
“What are you doing?”
“Susie,” Bunny breathes, hair wild, arms held helplessly at her sides as we stand in the hallway. I tower over the two of them in the back, hands full of our belongings. Gently, I nudge Bunny forward with the plastic bag. We have to go.
“I’m sorry.” Bunny pushes past Susie’s taut frame, casting a sorrowful glance before the two of us race out the back.
I listen to her feet trailing behind us, racing to keep up.
If I turn around, I’ll stop, because I’ve grown to see how much she cares for us.
I’ve come to care, too. I’m too damaged for that, though.
We both are. In order to finish this, I have to stay angry.
I can’t look back.
I can’t let Bunny look back either.
Keeping one bag pressed against her, I drive her further ahead.
We’ll come back. I know we will.
When we’re outside, Susie takes her opportunity to rip Bunny away from me. She slips away faster than I can catch her. So, I’m forced to watch the sadness enter both their eyes.
“What’s going on?” Susie asks, tears welling. “What did you two do?”
Bunny’s blackout flashes in my mind—all the blood and teeth. Susie will find out eventually what we’ve done, but for now, I can’t allow her to sit here and make Bunny feel bad. We don’t deserve to feel bad.
Right?
With more force than I intended, I tear the license plates from the vehicle and snap, “What they deserved!” We did nothing they didn’t ask for.
Right?
Bunny, thrown by my sudden mood, holds her hand out, the silent question on her face: What’s wrong with you?
Fuck. Shit. Okay. Calm down, Cade. Needing to get a grasp on my sudden burst of anger, I spin around and throw our stuff in the car.
I don’t try to listen in on their conversation, but I’ve grown used to listening to all the sounds around me.
I can’t help but keep one ear turned in their direction.
“None of this will fall back on you. None of this. I swear.”
“Honey, I don’t care about that,” Susie sniffles, holding back the tears. “What about you? You two need to stop this and go! Go far away from here and live.”
“We will,” Bunny soothes. In my periphery, I see her turn toward me. “After.”
In a flash, the somber tone in Susie’s voice fades. A sharp, scolding squeal replaces it. “Bernice,” she snaps, shocking us both with the use of her real name. “This is stupid! You two,” she reprimands, pointing between the two of us, “are going to get yourselves caught! Or worse.”
“You know what they did,” Bunny hisses against the wind, bringing her top up to flash the scars. She gestures for me to do the same, so I show her my side, all of the slashes that ruin me. “They need to be punished for what they did to us—for what they’re still doing to others!”
“Shh! Shh!” Susie glances around the empty alley along with me, knowing that anything—or anyone—can linger in the shadows. “I understand that,” she utters when she’s sure we’re alone, “and I agree! No one deserves to die more than they do. Bu—”
“Yes!” Bunny interrupts, “So, you see—”
“But not by you… Or you,” she cries, holding her hands out to the both of us. Bunny lets her hold on, anchoring her to the sadness. “Let the police handle this. You two have done enough.”
A look crosses Bunny’s face that Susie completely misses.
Had she paid enough attention, she would have seen the twitch in the corner of her mouth, the only sign Bunny would give to signal she was going to disappoint her.
Over time, I watched Bunny grow close to Susie.
I think she saw a mom in her—something she always craved, but could never have.
I know what it’s like to be a disappointment to a mother… I can’t let Bunny feel that.
I pull Bunny out of Susie’s hold and replace it with my own, weakening myself before her.
“No,” I mutter, hoping Susie can see the regret in my eyes, too.
“I was his pawn for years. I did… fucking awful things. Things that will never leave me, for years. I’m going to kill him, Susie.
And then everyone is going to know what he and the others did to us.
They’re going to know because of me. They’re going to know because of her! ”
My body shakes, so it doesn’t fall apart, but my voice cracks anyway. I tell myself that no one heard it—that they noticed none of my splinters—but their eyes soften for me.
I’m sorry.
Please, Susie. Please understand that we really don’t have any other choice.
Shuffling back to stand beside Bunny, we watch as every form of grief passes through her expression.
We see every phase until, finally, acceptance weighs heavily on her shoulders.
There is no changing our mind, she comes to realize, so she stops trying to.
Reaching into the pocket of her pants, Susie pulls out a crumpled ball of cash.
For a long moment, she simply stares into Bunny’s eyes, conveying a message that’s not meant for me, before bringing us in for an all-consuming hug.
I don’t deny myself the opportunity to sink into her.
It’s been so long since I’ve been held this way—since I’ve felt like a child who mattered.
I take my moment to appreciate it in the same way that Bunny does.
In all honesty, we don’t know when we’ll get the chance to feel this again.
We can get away with all of it, but surely, we’ll have to hide out for a while, right?
Wait until everything cools down before returning.
Maybe Susie will keep us? I know we’re not hers, not technically, but we’ve been here… we don’t cause trouble. Not for her, anyway. We can help. We can run the place so she can rest.
We can be good people.
I want to ask, but Bunny is whispering something in her ear. It only lasts a second before they pull apart, each wiping tears from their eyes. What Susie has to say next, she says to both of us.
“Just go, babies, or you’re going to regret it.”
It hits the right nerve. Gets under my skin just enough to create some doubt. Or... some more doubt.
Will we regret this, Bunny?
It’s not too late to change paths, right?
But Bunny decides before the question can even be aired. She pulls me away, so I cement myself in her decision. I decide then, as we get into the car and drive away from the only woman to care, that I won’t let the doubt creep any more. I won’t waste another thought on morals or peace.
I have tossed and turned so many times.
I have fought and lost so many battles.
I will win this one. I will win for Bunny.
I will win for myself.
I hope Bunny can feel it in the way I rub her head while she cries into my lap. It’ll all be over soon.
When her tears create damp circles on my bottoms, she attempts to pull away, but I need her here. She keeps the clouds away. “It’s okay,” I promise, “leave it.” Kissing the salt away from her knuckles, I hold her against me, pretending her cries are mine, as well.
“I’m sorry.” It’s sputtered in broken, painful cracks. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” I ask, but it’s a pointless question. Pressing another kiss to her skin, I only speak the truth. “I would have done it for you anyway, Bun.” No question. “I would do anything.” Until my dying breath, I would do anything for you.