NINETEEN
EMMA
For two days, I’ve been a mess. Since Friday night, my mind has been occupied with Jack and what happened. When I close my eyes, I feel his hands on me—on the parts of my body that crave his touch. But as soon as I open my eyes, I’m taken back to reality, where we can’t be together because he can’t bear being physically close to me.
Jack’s expression when he left still haunts me. I could see it all: remorse, unease, despair. I hate myself for reacting as I did. How could I have been so angry with him? He didn’t deserve my irritation. No wonder he fled as quickly as he did.
Damn, I’m so stupid. I didn’t even dare contact him. Instead, I was in a pissy mood all weekend, and my poor brother had to endure my annoyance and frustration. This was supposed to be fun, but all I did was mope. All we talked about was my pregnancy and my relationship with Jack, whatever that is.
But Brad is the best little brother someone can ask for, so he listened to all my whining and was very supportive. He also kicked my ass, telling me to apologize to Jack because—as he put it—his only fault was that he likes me.
“Call me, like all the time, okay?” Brad requests when I say goodbye to him and Stuart at the airport before they fly back to Baltimore. “And please let me know if you need help with anything. Keep me posted on the little peanut.”
I smile at him. “I will. Thanks, Brad.” I give him a tight hug and a peck on his cheek.
He looks down at my belly and strokes it. “Gosh, I’m gonna be an uncle! This is nerve-racking.”
I roll my eyes at him. “Oh, yeah, I wonder if you’ll do a decent job. Being an uncle is hard work.”
“Sorry, Em.” He laughs. “But it puts a lot of pressure on me to be the cool uncle.”
“You will be the coolest uncle that baby could wish for.”
He gives me a goofy smile. “Aw, thanks. And you’ll be the greatest mom,” he says as he wraps me up in another brotherly hug.
“Thank you,” I say with a sigh of relief. Brad did an excellent job reassuring me over the weekend and dissipating my worries.
“And call Jack!”
After a final hug, my brother’s last words replay in my head as I walk back to the train station.
I stare at my phone the entire way to my apartment. A few times, I type a message to Jack and delete it. A couple more times, my finger hovers over the call button. But I can’t go through with it. I don’t know what to tell him.
It’s only right before I get off the subway that I’m happy with what I’ve written and hit send .
Emma: Hey … I’m sorry for acting like a bitch. I miss you. Can we talk?
I leave the subway station and start my ten-minute walk home when my phone vibrates in my pocket.
Jack: Hey yourself. I’m so glad to hear from you. I feared I ruined it all. I’d love to talk. Miss you too.
My heart skips a beat, and my lips lift in a cheerful smile when I read his words. So it’s not all lost.
Emma: You didn’t ruin anything. I did a good job screwing this up. I’m on my way home. Do you want to come over? Or meet somewhere?
I don’t receive an answer and already wonder why. When I turn the last corner before I reach home and lift my gaze from my phone, I stop in my tracks and my eyes widen as I spot Jack leaning against the wall of my apartment building.
I quicken my step until I stand in front of him. “Jack! What are you doing here?”
He smiles at me, and the butterflies in my stomach go crazy. “I was in the neighborhood,” he explains.
I nod and smile back at him. Because I’m not sure how to act around him now, I just unlock the door, and he walks in behind me.
And shortly after, we sit on my couch with drinks on the coffee table and a pizza on its way.
After some awkward small talk, I finally address the elephant in the room. I turn to him, one leg tucked beneath the other. “Jack,” I say. “I apologize again. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you, but I was so frustrated.” With a frown, I lower my gaze and cover my flushed cheeks with my hands.
“Hey, it’s all good,” Jack says, lifting my chin to lock gazes. “I understand. I was mad and frustrated too. I hate that this still happens, but I promise I’m working on it. Believe me, it’s already so much better.” To prove his point, he entwines our fingers.
I look at our joined hands, and a tiny shiver runs down my spine when he strokes my skin with his thumb. “I know,” I say with a soft sigh. “And I know I have to be patient. But that doesn’t mean that I have to go on pretending I want to be just friends, right?”
Jack chuckles. “I think we’ve established we both want more than that.”
I can’t prevent a huge, gleeful grin from spreading on my face. He wants to be more than friends, and finally knowing that for sure makes the butterflies in my tummy perform their happy dance.
Wait, no! This feels different. I straighten up and put my hand on my belly.
Jack furrows his brows. “Is everything all right? What’s that look on your face?”
There! It’s just the tiniest flutter, but it’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt, and I know exactly what this is. “Jack, the peanut is moving!” Without even thinking, I grab his hand and place it on my bump.
Jack chuckles as I hold still so he can feel it too. I stare at him with wide eyes, curiously anticipating his reaction, but he shakes his head. “I don’t think you can feel it from the outside yet,” Jack says. “I remember this from my sister. She was so frustrated that Ethan couldn’t feel the baby until later.”
I sigh but don’t let go of Jack’s hand. “You’re right. But that was amazing!” My face hurts from all the grinning. I would have never imagined that feeling my baby move for the first time would be such an overwhelming moment, and before I know it, my eyes fill with tears and an unexpected sob escapes me. “Oh gosh, I’m sorry,” I mumble, burying my face in my hands.
“Hey, it’s all right. Come here.” To my utmost surprise, he pulls me into him and wraps his arms around me. I’m not sure what’s happening, but when Jack strokes my back, I relax in his embrace and enjoy this rare moment of closeness.
“Jack?” I say in a low voice.
“Yeah?”
“Doesn’t it bother you that I’m pregnant? That there’s gonna be a baby to care for in a few months?”
Jack responds without hesitation. “No, it doesn’t bother me. I want to be with you, and if you come with a baby, I want that too. And before you ask: yes, even if it’s someone else’s.”
Wow, I need to let his words sink in before I can fully grasp and believe them. I sigh, and under the hand I place on his chest, his heart beats faster than a moment ago. I want to pull back, but he holds me tight. “No, it’s okay,” he breathes and kisses the top of my head. I lift my gaze to meet his and smile.
That Jack isn’t as comfortable with our closeness as I am puts a damper on it, though, and my smile falters. What if he’ll never be comfortable with this? “I don’t want to get too invested in this, and then once the baby is born, you take off and leave me,” I say in a low voice.
Jack frowns. “I don’t know what the future holds, but I promise to be there for you, always.”
I nod, resting my head on his shoulder as he strokes my back.
We stay like this for a couple more minutes before Jack stirs. “Can I let you go now?”
I sit up and move away from him, with disappointment rushing through me, but at the same time, I’m glad we shared this moment. “Of course. Thanks.”
He inhales deeply and exhales slowly. “I’m sorry I can’t give you what you need,” he murmurs as he runs his hand over his face.
I grimace. “Jack, it’s okay. I told you I could be patient. As long as I know we both want this.”
“I do,” he says with determination. “Emma, you’re the reason; you’re my motivation. I’m working on my issues for you, to be with you and give you what you deserve. But my brain is only slowly learning that a touch isn’t always intended to comfort me in a heartbreaking situation. I’m trying hard to remember what else a touch means.”
Jack’s words move me deeply. I’m no longer hopeless but indeed optimistic that this might eventually work. All I have to do is to be patient.
Two weeks later, I’m spending a quiet Sunday night at my place, watching my favorite movie and eating my favorite ice cream. It’s been a while since I’ve enjoyed a little me time because Jack and Rob keep a close eye on me when I’m not working. When I’m not meeting with either of them, it’s Liv who offers to keep me company. And even Brad showed up for another surprise visit this weekend. But now that he’s returned home, I relish the time alone with my TV.
I have to say, though, I enjoy the attention. Having someone to talk to constantly is nice because my need to express my thoughts and worries has increased significantly. And all my friends, old and new, give me the comfort and reassurance I need. And that’d be perfect if only Jack would stop pressuring himself to offer me more physical closeness. He denies it, but I know he does. I keep telling him he should take his time. I don’t want him to force this as he did with his fake ex.
Speaking of which. I dislike that Kate woman. She and Jack have met a few times to catch up and all that crap. But I can’t shake the suspicion she wants more. Maybe rekindle what they supposedly had before she left. One thing is certain, though: the animosity is mutual. Jack and I haven’t made anything official yet. As our best friends, only Paul and Rob know that we’re kind of dating. But even without knowing about the nature of our relationship, Kate eyes me suspiciously whenever we cross paths. Jack tells me not to worry, but whenever he meets up with her, I can’t keep the pictures from flashing in my mind of where she touches him. I won’t tell Jack that because I don’t want to act like the jealous girlfriend while I’m not even a hundred percent sure that this is what I am.
I’m struggling not to think about some woman touching the guy I have the biggest crush on, and luckily, the tiny flutters in my belly distract me. Now, at nineteen weeks, the little peanut (which is not so little anymore with almost seven inches and about eight and a half ounces) is much more active, and it’s still an indescribable sensation. I place my hand on my tummy, smiling like a stupid idiot. Who would have thought I’d be this happy being pregnant after the rough start I had, emotion-wise?
The doorbell interrupts my moment with the peanut. I’m inclined not to answer, but curiosity gets the better of me, and I rise from my couch.
When I buzz my visitor in and Jack stands before me a moment later, my heart rate picks up. Damn, every time! Why can’t I react to him like a normal person? In my defense, he looks breathtakingly hot, as usual. He braces himself on the doorjamb with his forearm, looking down at the floor. He lifts his gaze with a deep breath as if to collect himself.
Oh my sweet goodness! My heart beats even faster, and I stop breathing altogether. He eyes me up and down with such an intense and heated stare that I start to believe in spontaneous combustion. I’m seconds away from it.
“Hey, Peach,” he says in a hoarse voice that makes me tingle all over. “Sorry to turn up unannounced, but I needed to see you.” And before I utter so much as a hello, he steps forward and cups my face. An instant later, his lips are on mine for a kiss that matches his fiery stare. He loses no time and moves his hands down my body while he pushes me backward inside my apartment and closes the door with a kick.
A small shriek escapes me when he picks me up, wraps my legs around his waist, and walks over to my couch. He takes a second to put me down gently, but as soon as my back touches the cushions, he continues to kiss me more fervently than ever before. I have no idea what’s happening, but who the fuck cares when it feels this good?
Ah damn, I guess I do.
“Jack.” I try to get his attention to find out what’s going on, but he keeps kissing me as if his life depended on it. “Jack!” I try again.
“Shh, Peach, it’s all good,” he murmurs onto my neck. “I’m gonna give you what you deserve. I’m gonna make love to you.”
He what? But why? How?
And then it dawns on me. “Jack, fuck, are you drunk?” I try to push him off me, but he still won’t stop.
“Jack! I’m serious, stop!”
Only now, he pulls back all the way and sits at the other end of the couch, grimacing.
I glare at him when he doesn’t speak. “Dammit, Jack! Why? I told you I’d wait for you to be ready. I don’t want this! I don’t want you to get wasted so you can fuck me.”
I jump up and hold up my hand because he opens his mouth and is about to talk. “No, I don’t want to hear anything from you.” I walk to my front door. “Please, go. And don’t contact me until you come back to your senses.”
Jack follows me wordlessly and stands next to me, where I open the door for him .
“Peach,” he whispers.
“Don’t call me that!” I yell at him. “Leave. Now.” And with that, I shove him out of my apartment and slam the door shut.
I don’t think I’ve ever been this mad at anyone. How could he do this? Is this thing between us bound to fail after all?
What a fucking mess.