23. Tatiana
23
TATIANA
I ’m losing my mind.
The conflict inside me is pushing me to my breaking point—and when I snap, I’m not so sure I can recover from the aftermath. I hate how much I crave Lucian’s touch, because I can’t just let go and move past our differences. But I feel my defenses slowly lowering, the thick walls I’ve built against him crumbling. And what’s worse—no matter how desperately I cling to my hatred toward him, I feel it slowly slipping away.
It makes me a bad daughter—disloyal to my family—and the more I find myself wanting to give in to my attraction, the harder I have to push Lucian away. The constant struggle is exhausting, and my emotions have begun to run rampant until I feel like I might burst into tears at any given moment.
“Tatiana,” Natasha greets me warmly, dragging me out of my dark thoughts as she swings the front door wide.
It’s strange visiting my sister at Killian’s Seagate home. I’m so used to sharing a house with her—so used to sleeping only a few doors down. And because I haven’t been back to our parents’ penthouse since their deaths, it’s been easy to forget she no longer lives there either. But she looks so perfectly at home in the territory of the Irish Kings. Brooklyn suits her, and I’m glad to see her so happy.
“I’m glad you called,” she says, pulling me inside the open modern-style mansion. “I brewed a fresh pot of coffee for us. Are you hungry?”
“No, thank you,” I say, smiling as the tension rushes from my shoulders.
Daniella made a delicious breakfast—as always—and I’ve been near ravenous lately, so I couldn’t help eating before I left. But I’m glad my sister agreed to spend the morning with me. In truth, I’ve felt incredibly isolated since agreeing to marry Lucian. His house is very welcoming, and I spend all day with the Sokolov men, so it’s not like I’m a prisoner or anything. But Natasha’s the only true, deep friend I have, the only person I can be completely myself around, without hesitation, and I miss her desperately. Especially right now.
“Killian’s working today, and Quinn’s sleeping from a night shift at the hospital, so we have the house to ourselves,” Natasha adds. “Let’s go out to the patio. It’s a beautiful day.”
I let her steer me in the right direction, and as we settle around the glass-top patio table, a curvy middle-aged woman with her hair pulled back from her face steps out carrying a tray with two mugs, a French press full of dark coffee, and some cream and sugar.
“Thanks, Cheryl,” Natasha says with a smile.
The ruddy-cheeked woman beams back at her as she sets the tray before us. “Of course. Holler if you need anything.”
I can’t help but notice the similarities between Cheryl and Lucian’s cook, Daniella, and it warms my chest to know Natasha has someone looking after her in the same way as Daniella cares for us. She’s one of the best additions I’ve found in my new life, and I have to admit that her affection for Lucian makes it much harder to see him as a villain. How anyone so sweet could work for a bad person, I don’t know—which makes me think that my conflict about him isn’t completely unfounded.
Leaning back in my wicker chair, I look out at the water behind Killian’s property, and I can’t help but take in a deep, refreshing breath of salt-tinged air. “This really is peaceful, isn’t it?” I ask.
Natasha smiles as she passes me a steaming mug. “Yeah. You don’t get that in Queens, do you?”
“Lucian’s property is actually really nice. He has trees all along the back of his property that give us plenty of privacy—and an infinity pool on the roof, so going up there at night is spectacular.”
My cheeks warm as I think about the first night he took me up there—how he threw me into the pool before joining me, fully clothed. It’s strange to think of all the places we’ve had sex—all the times he’s driven me out of my mind with pleasure—when I’m sitting next to the person who knows as well as I do the horrible things he’s capable of. Guilt tightens my stomach as I wonder for the thousandth time whether that makes me a bad sister—a terrible daughter.
When I glance to my left, I catch Natasha studying me closely, her gray eyes so much like our father’s that it turns my stomach to lead.
“How are things going with Killian?” I ask, mixing cream and sugar into my coffee as I quickly redirect the conversation before she can ask why I’m blushing.
I am curious how my sister has handled falling in love with a man we considered an enemy not so long ago. I’ll be honest, it caught me completely by surprise when she told me. I wasn’t entirely enthusiastic about it either—or supportive. But now, seeing how well they fit together, I can’t be anything but happy for them. And it’s so much easier to like Killian after knowing the lengths he would go to protect her. A shiver races down my spine as the night of our charity gala comes back to me vividly—how Killian and his men rushed us to safety when Lucian came for us, how Killian took a knife to the stomach to protect my sister, even though she’s incredibly capable of protecting herself. It’s a debt I’ll never be able to repay. All I can do is find it in my heart to support their love, because clearly, that’s what’s best for Natasha.
“They’re really good,” my sister says, her cheeks coloring adorably as she fights to keep her smile under control.
“Yeah? I’m glad.” I reach across the space between us to give her hand a squeeze.
“Really?” Natasha sounds almost surprised. “I know you haven’t necessarily been the biggest fan of my decision—and you and Killian can barely stand to be in the same room most of the time.”
A laugh escapes me, and I wrap my hands around my mug to bring it to my lips. “He’s grown on me,” I assure her after taking a scalding sip. “What matters most is that you’re happy. You are happy, aren’t you?” I press, slowly working my way around to the question I really want to ask.
“Happier than I ever imagined I could be,” she says.
“Can I…ask you something?” I hedge, staring into my caramel-colored drink.
“Anything.”
My eyes flick back up to Natasha’s gray ones. They’re round with sincerity and bordering on concern.
“How did you do it? Go from thinking of him as an enemy to being in love with him?”
A knowing sadness flashes across my sister’s face, then vanishes so quickly, I almost wonder if I imagined it. “Honestly, our chemistry went a long way to changing my mind—and Killian’s persistence. We didn’t start out on the best of terms, considering he basically blackmailed me into sleeping with him after I tried to kill him.” My sister’s laugh is sharp, but the look on her face is full of affection as it turns indulgent, and she shakes her head. “As much as I hate to admit it, Killian’s confidence was also a major turn on. I don’t know. I guess seeing he wanted me that much made it easier to let down my guard. And when I realized that he wasn’t necessarily the villain Papa always made him out to be…” Natasha shrugs. “He’s such a good man, sometimes, it’s hard to remember what a jerk I thought he was.”
“You think Papa was wrong to refuse Killian’s proposal to begin with?”
Natasha’s smile is definitely sad now as she looks at me. “I think Papa only ever wanted what was best for us. And it’s not like Killian did himself any favors by antagonizing our father before asking to marry me. But I doubt Papa would have accepted any man’s proposal. He was alway so protective.”
Her words bring me back to that first day on the patio in Positano, when Lucian told me about the proposal he made to my father so long ago—how our father said that no man would be worthy of his daughters. It’s strange to realize how similar my story is to Natasha’s, how close Lucian’s trajectory came to Killian’s. But Killian didn’t kill our father. He didn’t kidnap anyone or force Natasha into an arranged marriage to satisfy his desires. In so many ways, I can see the good in Lucian that Natasha sees in Killian. It makes me long for the happiness they have. It gives me this needling sense of possibility that I could be happy if I just gave into our relationship. But doing that would mean trusting a man who took everything from me and believing that he wouldn’t hurt me again.
“Both their hearts were in the right place,” Natasha says, cutting into my thoughts, and for a fraction of a second, I think she’s talking about Lucian and Killian—that she sees the similarities too. “But Papa could get so rigidly set in his opinions, and Killian can be so…”
“Brash?” I suggest, shoving my concerns aside to be present for my sister.
Natasha laughs. “I was going to say brazen, but yeah, exactly. I’m happy how it all turned out. I’m not sure I ever could have come to love Killian the way I do now if Papa had decided to arrange our marriage. This way, I know without a doubt that I can’t live without that stubborn, infuriating Irishman.”
Again, my sister’s observation hits home. The fact that I’m trapped in this marriage makes it so much harder to understand my feelings for Lucian—because I don’t have a choice. He’s my husband, and I’ll be tied to him for as long as we live. That’s the way our world works. Could I live without him if I had the choice? I should be happy at the possibility. But a cold knot of anxiety tightens around my chest instead.
“So…are you two thinking about kids, then?” I ask, forcing my tone to stay light so she won’t see the conflict eating me from within.
“We’ve talked about it,” she admits, her cheeks coloring slightly. “But I’m not quite ready. I feel like things are too up in the air right now.” She casts me a devious sidelong glance. “I’m still waiting for you to give me permission to kill Lucian because the man needs to die for everything he’s put our family through.”
I know she means to lighten the mood and be supportive of the marriage I agreed to in order to protect her, but Natasha’s words are a cold, hard reality check. I might be falling for Lucian’s charms. My resolve might be weakening, but no one else is ready to accept him. Biting the inside of my cheek, I keep the realization to myself as I try to recover quickly.
“Don’t tempt me,” I tease, playing along with her comment. Then I turn serious. “But killing Lucian wouldn’t resolve the conflict. Too many of his men are loyal to him—it would start another war, and we’ve already seen how well that will go. We need to find peace with the situation because right now, we’re as close to actually having peace as we’ve ever been.”
“Oh please, Papa managed just fine,” Natasha says.
“And how many people did you have to kill to maintain that image? I love Papa, and I love you. I also know the risks you took, and I don’t like asking that of you. I did it once, and I would never forgive myself if you did actually get hurt. Right now, we have an opportunity to make our world a better one, and if I have to be Lucian’s wife to achieve it, then I’m willing to make that sacrifice.”
“I know,” Natasha agrees reluctantly. “I just don’t know how you can bear to sleep with him. I can’t imagine having to raise children with the monster either.”
Her face twists sympathetically, but my heart flutters and my skin warms.
Trying to make light of the comment, I flash her a wicked grin. “It goes a long way that he’s managed to uphold the reputation of Italian lovers.” I give Natasha a playful wink.
That breaks the tension, and Natasha laughs. But as I look back into my coffee mug, I feel as conflicted as ever—because her comment about raising children with Lucian has made me realize something. In all the chaos of being swept off to Italy and scrambling to get home, I lost track of it, but now I’m fairly certain.
My period is several weeks late.