Chapter 12 Cass
With a shake of my head, I chuckle and rise on an elbow. “You’re going to get all dizzy if you don’t stop doing that,” I tell her.
Nia, with a serene look on her face, continues spinning around the open, snow-laden field we’re in.
With her right hand in front of her chest, and the left one on top of her head, she turns, causing the flared hem of her blue velvet dress to brush against the powdered snow under us.
Her long hair – wavier than usual – flows wildly with the strong afternoon wind, and when the muted daylight catches her at just the right moment, I sit up and continue looking at her because I’ve never seen anything more beautiful than her in my life so far.
Watching Nia as she takes in the little pleasures of nature with such interest and calm is very soothing to be a part of.
She’s like a silhouette, a mesmerizing portrait under the sky’s unparalleled halo.
She finally stops spinning. With her back to me, she inhales, and then exhales slowly.
She had called me late last night and convinced me to attend Gerald’s wedding with her. He’s one of her regular customers at the café, and also a guy of eccentric tastes, if I do say so myself.
The church had been decorated with flowers of so many shapes, sizes, and colors that they’d not only given me a spotty vision by the end of the ceremony, but had also poked my sleeping pollen allergies.
I don’t think I’ve sneezed as much in the last ten years as I did in the hour I spent in the church listening to the 77-year-old Gerald reciting his vows to his now husband, Jasper.
The two had met at Café Connell, and even though there’s a 15-year age gap between them, it hasn’t affected their chemistry or affection for each other.
Nia had been all smiles while seeing Jasper and Gerald tie the knot, and when I’d asked her to come to the field with me after the ceremony, she’d giddily said yes.
Noah, of course, had given me his signature ‘elder brother look’ – one I’ve been a victim to numerous times in the past – to which I’d simply winked and given him a two-finger salute before driving Nia and I to the field.
After a long stretch of my neck, I fix my hair and get to my feet, then dust off my jeans before walking over to Nia.
“What’re you thinking about?” I ask her as I wrap my arms around her waist. Moving her hair over one shoulder, I place my chin on the other, then press a kiss on the shell of her ear when she leans into me.
“My wedding,” she answers, then sighs.
I stiffen a bit. “Yeah?”
“Yup.” She sighs again. “I was just thinking about how everything on Bran and I’s wedding day had felt: elementary and monotone.
It was nothing compared to Gerald and Jasper’s ceremony.
Ours was…abrupt and suffocating. I guess I knew things would be that way for him and I, but I went along with it anyway.
I don’t know what that says about me, but seeing Ger and Jas today made me realize how big of a mistake it was to marry Brandon; how I deserve to have something as beautiful as…
” Her voice cracks a little, so she clears her throat.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Hey.” I turn her around, and when she looks at me, I cup her face between my hands. “Just stare into my eyes, Nia, and you’ll see,” is all I tell her. Because I know that she knows exactly what I’m talking about.
Our gazes meet, and I let her study me; I bare my truth to her in clear silence. And when she finds everything I want her to find, she lets go of a breath, and a tear slides down her cheek. “I–”
“I mean it,” I whisper. “Everything you see, I mean it. Everything you know you just read on my face, I mean that, too. I know it’ll be a long road for us, baby, but know that it’ll be ours to hike; ours to conquer.
I didn’t ask you for another chance for nothing.
I did it ‘cause I intend to live up to it.”
She grabs my wrists and gives them a squeeze.
“That morning when you asked me for a second chance, I lied when I said I didn’t trust you.
I…” She sniffs. “The thing is: I trust you too much, but I don’t trust myself at all.
Around you, it’s hard for me to. There’s something about you that weakens my defenses.
It never bothered me before, but now…” She shrugs.
I chuckle and press a kiss between her brows. “And you frustrate me to the point where I can’t see straight. Your stubbornness is both hot and infuriating, but I like feeling the brunt of it.” I bring my hands to her waist.
She laughs. “You really have a way with words, don’t you?”
“I’ve been told I’ve got a talent for it, yes.”
She snorts and gives my jaw a playful slap.
“So… You ready for dinner with Amanda tonight?” I ask.
Nia’s expression hardens all of a sudden. “Can we not just cancel it?”
I tilt my head to it side. “And why would we do that?”
“Do you even have to ask?” She shifts on her feet. “That woman doesn’t like me, Cass, and she made that abundantly clear yesterday with the way she looked at me – no, judged me.”
“And that’s exactly what I want to fix, Nia,” I say. “I want to clear the air between you and her. The two of you are important to me, and I want to smooth out any misunderstanding or misjudgment yesterday’s brief encounter might’ve caused.”
“Cass–”
“3 years ago, when I first started working with actual celebrities on their fitness regime,” I cut her off, “I…entered a phase where I decided that I had to live up to my name, to my newfound position.” I scoff and shake my head.
“This phase was short, sure, but it…it left me in a place that I don’t ever wanna go back to.
I’ve worked really hard to get out of it, and I’m never, ever going there again.
” I look at Nia, and see that the color has fully drained from her face.
“What…do you mean?”
“I…” I exhale and rub a hand over the back of my neck.
“Well, let’s just say that I overexerted myself.
I wanted to be better than what – who – I was, and in doing so, I forgot that my body could only take so much.
I erased boundaries; I ignored the warnings.
I began resorting to certain…substances to help improve my physical appearance, and it’s so damn crazy to think about it now, but at the time, I thought what I was doing was completely okay and necessary.
” I swallow when Nia places a hand over her mouth.
“You didn’t–”
“No, but I got close,” I admit. “The consequences of my recklessness quickly caught up to me. Lying in a hospital bed for weeks made me more and more miserable. At one point, I even started thinking about the permanent relief I would feel if I could just man up and pull the plug on–”
“Don’t.” Nia is crying as she shakes her head. “Don’t fucking finish that sentence, or I swear to God I’ll–”
“What, kill me?” I say.
She slaps me – so hard that it stings the entire left side of my face, and even makes my head throb in pain.
“Fuck you,” she spits out.
“Sorry.” I frown. “That was immature of me.”
“You think?” She glares at me. “Do you have any idea what that confession just did to me?” She swallows and wipes a hand over her cheeks.
I lean in and touch my forehead to hers. “I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I’m really, really sorry.”
She tries to shove me away, but I grab her hands and kiss her knuckles to let her know that I really do feel guilty for my choice of words.
And for the things I did in the past.
“I just…I wanted you to know that when I was at my lowest, it was Amanda who pulled me out of it,” I tell her.
“It was her, Nia, who snapped me from it and made me see that I was enough; that it was me who the people wanted, and not some superficial version I was trying to create.” I move back and wipe the fresh tears that have fallen down her face.
“Amanda may be a difficult person to have an interaction with, but she does have a heart. She cares and understands. I just want you and her to give each other a chance, that’s all. ”
“I could have lost you,” Nia breathes with a look of horror on her face, then bunches her jaw when it trembles.
“I could have lost you and I would have never even known.” She closes her eyes.
“I would have lived my entire fucking life not knowing what happened to you. Our past would have been the only thing – the only memory – I’d have of you, all because I–”
“Nia.”
“Shut up.” She pulls me to her and kisses me once, twice, and then a third time. “God, I could have lost you,” she says again, then kisses me so hard I lose my ability to breathe for a moment.
“Baby…” I can taste tears on her lips as I kiss her back.
“If you ever think about doing something like that again, I’m going to kick your ass so fucking hard, Madden,” she warns.
I bite the inside of my cheek. “And I promise that I’ll let you.”
She kisses me one more time. “I’m so happy you’re here with me.” She places a hand on my chest. “I’m so glad you had Amanda with you when you needed a solid support system.”
“Yeah.” I sigh. “Mom and Dad were completely broken when they found out, but they were there for me anyway – no questions or hesitation whatsoever. They are part of the reason I recovered so soon. They may not have shown, but I know how much my stupidity really affected them. Took them a little over a year to relax around me and not fuss over me like I was a wayward kid or something.”
Nia bends and presses her lips over my heart. “I’m genuinely very glad you have them, but I wish I was there for you then. I wish I was there to tell you that you are what’s important – to me, and to those who care about you.”
“You’ve always been there, Nia,” I say, then show her my tattoo.
“I’d trace your name day and night while in the hospital.
I kept thinking of what you must be up to, of how I could reach out to you, but I couldn’t find a way to do it.
I tried your old number, but it wasn’t active.
I tried looking you up on social media, but I couldn’t find you anywhere.
And, when I got discharged, I lost the little bravado I’d gathered to come here and see you myself. ”
She gives me a sad smile. “I wasn’t exactly…nice to you during our last encounter all those years ago, so I don’t blame you.”
“It’s not that,” I assure her. “I guess I bailed on it because when I got out of the hospital, I realized that I didn’t want you to know what I’d become in my haste of wanting to live up to others’ expectations. I didn’t want to, you know, disappoint you.”
“You made a mistake, Cass, but you fixed it before it was too late.”
“Sure, but I hated the guy I was during those few weeks,” I concede.
“I’m sure that was just your mind’s way of coping with the whole thing.
Hate can be hurtful, but if it’s temporary, it can help heal you.
” She rubs my arms. “I’m proud of you, and of all that you’ve achieved and lived through.
I really am.” She smiles openly. “Also, you wouldn’t have disappointed me if you’d decided to come here and see me, just like you haven’t disappointed me now.
If anything, I’m honored that you chose to share something so sensitive with me, that you trusted me with it. ”
My throat tightens at her words; at the honesty on her face. “Thank you. It really means a lot to me. And it was pretty obvious for me to share this with you. I’m just sorry I didn’t do it sooner.”
“Hey, now; don’t do that.” She squeezes my hands. “Believe me when I say I get it. I really do.”
“I know you do.” I smile, then jerk my head towards the SUV that I parked just outside the field. “So, you ready for the impending dinner, then?” I ask.
Nia purses her lips in contemplation, then clicks her tongue before saying, “You know what? I think I am.”