Chapter 20 - Nia
“She hurt me,” I whisper. “She made me rethink everything I thought I knew, and everything that I believed in when it came to you and I.”
Cass and I are in his SUV, which is parked in Gerald’s driveway. The ear-piercing music is a blurred echo here as the two of us sit facing each other.
“I know she did,” Cass tells me. “I know, Nia. But none of what Amanda told you came from me. None of it.”
“I know that,” I state. “I...that’s not you, Cass. Everything that Amanda said to me – the threats and the harsh words – that isn’t you. It never will be.”
“Then why stay away from me for over a week?” he asks with open vulnerability. His eyes shine under the lulling evening light as he says, “Your silence almost made me believe that you didn’t trust me. That you thought you were better off without me.”
“Why didn’t you reach out, then?” It isn’t my place to ask him that, especially because I know he had nothing to do with Amanda’s madness.
The truth is that I’d let her get in my head pretty bad, and had gotten all fucked up about it.
The truth is that I’d taken too long to process and eliminate her insults, which in turn made Cass think I didn’t want him.
He pushes back a few errant strands of his long hair.
“I don’t know?” He shrugs. “Maybe it’s because I didn’t wanna violate your personal space when you’d just been hurt by someone who was associated with me, or maybe it was because I was too scared to know what your answer would be about everything.
” He shifts and scratches the back of his head with a thumb.
“Honestly, I really don’t know why I didn’t reach out, Nia.
I wasn’t even sure whether I was supposed to. ”
“How long were you planning on waiting?” I ask. “I know you have to leave soon; you can’t stay in Adenbrooke forever. So, were you going to leave without talking to me about the whole mess? Were you just going to, I don’t know, leave the ends loose and forget about them?”
He frowns. “I literally just told you that none of what my ex-manager said to you had come from me. Why are you questioning me like I’m the one to blame here?”
He’s right. Why am I so on-edge with him? It’s not like he deserves any of this. It isn’t like he even deserves to have this conversation with me.
I rub both hands over my face, then cup the back of my neck as I stare at the car’s gearshift. “I don’t know.” I sniff and shake my head.
He places a hand on my knee and gives it a squeeze.
“Look, let’s just admit that we were both stubborn and didn’t want to be the first one to reach out to the other, so we chalked it up to either wanting time to process everything, or thinking that the other person needed space for the same,” he says. “Can we just do that, please?”
“Yeah,” I agree, then nod. “Yes, let’s just do that.”
He smiles. “Perfect.”
I sigh and grab his hand – the one that’s on my knee. “I’m so sorry, Cass,” I tell him while looking him in the eye. “I can’t get her…voice out of my head. Her words just won’t leave my mind, and I don’t understand why.”
“Hey…” He touches my chin. “Come here.” He gestures at his front.
I place my hair over one shoulder and rise, only to hiss when my head bumps against the SUV’s ceiling.
Cass chuckles, making me scowl.
“I would love to see you do it, dick-face,” I tell him.
He’s laughing now. “Well, you should’ve made the offer first, then.”
I roll my eyes, bend my upper body forward so as to not to hit my head again, and finally manage to straddle him.
“God forbid if I did,” I mutter.
He puts his tongue to his cheek. “Excuses, excuses.”
I place both forearms over the headrest of his seat and lean in. “Fuck you, Madden.”
He smirks as he slowly runs his eyes over me. “Why, hello there.”
“Do you not have an off switch?” I ask, then move back.
“Nope,” he answers with a pop, and when I shake my head at him, he pats my left hip twice and wraps his arms around my waist. “Also, you’re stalling.”
“Stalling?”
“Mm-hm.” He arches a brow. “You don’t wanna talk about the effect Amanda has had on you.”
I click my tongue and give him my best poker face. “I already told you I can’t get her voice outta my head. That’s all there is to it.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “You sure about that?” he questions.
I clench my jaw as I stare at him, because I kind of hate how easily he can tell that I’m hiding something from him. But I also like it, because it means that he sees me for more than what I choose to show him.
“Nia…” he says my name with emphasis, making me click my tongue again.
“I…” I push my hair behind an ear. “I feel like everything she said to me is a reflection of who I’ve always been, but never found it important enough to acknowledge. And now that she’s shown me the mirror, I’ve been thinking of ways to maybe implement certain changes in my life.”
Cass looks utterly shocked by my confession. “Please don’t tell me you mean that, Nia. I don’t know every bit of the bullshit she spewed at you – only the bits that Noah told me that night – but I know for a fact that none of what she said to you is true.”
“And how do you know that?” I ask a little too loudly. “You weren’t even there for any of it, dammit!”
“Because I know you, okay,” he states calmly.
“Because I know you, baby, and Amanda doesn’t.
Because I know your heart, your mind, and your way of living life, and she doesn’t.
She’s a spiteful human being who hides behind her insecurities and fear of failure, and it took years of ignorance and dependence on my part to realize how wrong I was about her, and about everything she represents.
It took me losing you, albeit fleetingly, to realize that I’d given her too much liberty over my life and its choices.
” He lets go of a short breath. “When she told me what she felt for me after I confronted her – it…it made me feel disgusted with myself. I blamed myself for being careless with my words and expressions towards her. I thought that maybe I’d unknowingly led her on.
I started questioning the things I stand for, and the kind of man I am.
Nia…” He holds my face in his hands. “That’s what Amanda does to people: she confuses and hurts and demeans them.
That’s what she’s been doing to my professional competitors for years.
I know it’s wrong that I never really spoke to her about these things, but the truth is that I didn’t know how to.
This is who she is, and it took me so fucking long to realize what that meant – what her being who she is meant for me, and for the people around me.
” He touches his forehead to mine. “I’m so, so sorry, N–”
“It’s not your fault,” I cut him off. “I’ve known that from the very beginning, but I refused to fully admit to it.”
“You had every right to process things and clear your head.”
“No, I–”
“I’m sorry, Nia,” he affirms.
I wrap my fingers around his wrists and run the pad of my thumb over his tattoo, which makes him smile.
“I’m the one who should apologize, Cass,” I say.
“I’m sorry for giving you the cold shoulder, even though you didn’t deserve a single bit of it.
I’m sorry I took Amanda’s words so hard that I lost track of you and your transparency towards everything. ”
“Don’t.” Our noses touch when he cants his head a little. “I get it, I do. I mean, I know firsthand that she’s crazy. I just hope she fixes that part of herself before it’s too late and she gets herself stuck in something she can’t get out of, despite the connections and people at her disposal.”
I blink, and when my blues meet his hazels, he smiles again.
“Are you okay?” I ask him. “Like, really okay?”
“Are you?” he counters.
I chuckle. “Fair enough.” I push some of his fallen hair away from his face. “Where is she now?”
He sighs and holds onto me tighter. “Not here, that’s for sure.”
“The relief on your face is almost comical,” I muse.
“I could say the same for you,” he quips with a raise of his brows. He then grabs my ass and pulls me even closer to him.
I run the back of my left hand over the sharp angle of his cheek. “So, what happens now?”
He presses a long, almost bruising kiss on my lips. “You tell me.” Curiosity and worry are clearly visible on his face.
“I don’t wanna stay away from you again,” I tell him honestly. “I made that mistake 11 years ago, but I won’t make it again. And it’s because I don’t have it in me to go through everything that I went through after you left, Cass. I need you; I can’t live without you.”
There’s a stark hint of surprise on his face, one where his brows furrow and his forehead creases. He grins regardless of it, and I notice how his shoulders relax at my admission.
“God, I can’t fucking live without you either, Nia, not anymore.” He kisses me again. “But, are you sure you’re ready to move so far from Adenbrooke?”
“I wanna try,” I answer. “I wanna make things work between us.”
“Me too,” he says around a smile.
I press my lips to his, and he in turn opens his mouth for me. “Noah is gonna flip when I tell him,” I whisper.
“Don’t care.” Cass kisses me hard enough that I moan and rock my hips against his.
“You should.” I move back. “He’ll need time to come to terms with the fact that I’ll be leaving Adenbrooke.
We run the café together, Cass; he’s my fucking brother.
My parents are pretty chill, so I’m sure they’ll be open to the idea, but Noah loves me a little too fiercely.
He wants nothing but the best for me, yeah, but when he realizes I’m giving up my life here for you, he might have a few things to say about that. ”
Cass frowns/pouts. I’m not sure which one it is. Either way, it’s hilarious.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks.
I lift a shoulder. “No offense?”
“Offense fully taken, Miss Connell,” he quips, then gives me a cheeky grin. “I’ll talk to Noah. We’re the best of buds; I’m sure he’ll understand.”
I tilt my head to the side. “Oh yeah?”