Chapter 4
Ainsley
I wish I could follow through on my threat and disappear to a beach somewhere for the week. Would it really be the worst thing to find some guy to hook up with while the monster can’t watch me?
Unfortunately, he knows me too well. The only way I’d be able to take a vacation right now is if someone else took me, and I’m never going to ask him to do that. Especially after the stunt he pulled today.
The small box with his gift to me is still on the floor in the corner of my room where I threw it this morning. My eyes have wandered to it all day, wondering what I’m supposed to do with it.
When I opened it and saw the large diamond ring inside, I threw it like it was on fire. From the glimpse I got of it, it was absolutely gorgeous, something I would actually wear. Unlike the ring Carlos forced on my finger three months ago.
While we were at the party to celebrate the monster becoming the new boss, he was ready to put a ring on my finger. He offered to, but I didn’t realize when he said it he already had one.
There’s a small voice in my head, asking me if things would be different if he had given it to me that night on the dance floor. Would the promise of forever with him keep me there? Would it have been enough to make me stay after he brought me back from my prison?
It doesn’t matter, because even if I had agreed to marry him that night, everything changed when I was taken from him. I needed this time away from him, and I need it to continue. For my own wellbeing, the monster needs to stay away from me.
Even though I can’t go to a beach, I’m still packing to go away for the week. After I hung up with the monster, I called Ethan and asked him if I could stay at his place for the week. That won’t keep the monster away from me, but he won’t be able to climb into bed with me when I’m sleeping in Ethan’s room, either.
I don’t want to see him, but I want a repeat of last night even less. I didn’t even have time to wake up and register all of that before I was opening a diamond ring and getting a call from him.
When I explained everything to Ethan, he was more than willing to hide me away, which surprised me. I’ve come between him and his brother now, and while I haven’t asked him to pick sides, it’s hard for him to be my best friend and not be on my side.
“All packed and ready to go?” a deep voice asks from behind me. As I turn to greet Ethan and tell him I’m ready, the pieces in my brain click together and I realize that it’s not Ethan’s voice behind me. “Don’t worry, I’ve already called him and told him your plans changed. You’ll be staying with me, not him.”
He walks around me and zips up my suitcase, acting like we’re going on a fun vacation together.
“I’m not going anywhere with you,” I declare, standing my ground and trying to look tougher than I am.
He huffs out a sigh, annoyed with my defiance. “I was afraid you’d feel that way.” He walks closer to me, invading my personal space. “How do you want to do this? You’re coming with me either way, Ainsley. Are you going to walk nicely to my car, or will I have to drug you like I did in the maze?”
The reminder of what he did to kidnap me the first time sends shivers down my back, and not the good kind. I was terrified when I woke up and realized he drugged me, why would I choose to have that again? Maybe if I walk with him and act like I’m cooperating, I’ll get a chance to escape. I can be smart about this.
I deflate, showing him I surrender, and he backs away from me. He walks over to the corner of my room and grabs the small box, shoving it in his pocket like a souvenir.
“I’ll hold on to this since you’re not ready to wear it yet,” he informs me, like he’s some hero saving the day because he’s holding onto a ring I don’t even want. He pulls my suitcase behind him as he grabs my hand, dragging me through my empty apartment.
“Did you at least keep my room clean?” I ask, going along with his plan to take me away.
He laughs like I said something funny, but I don’t see his joke. When he realizes I’m looking at him with confusion, he stops laughing and explains. “You won’t be staying in that room, Ainsley. You’ll be staying in my room, in my bed, with me. Where you belong.”
“You sound just like Carlos,” I say under my breath, not caring if he hears me. It’s the truth, after all.
The monster stops, pulling me back with him. He grabs my chin and forces me to look at him. Blue eyes stare back at me with anger, the skull mask making him look that much scarier.
“You can make me feel like shit for what happened all you want, but you will not compare me to that piece of trash. I’m not beating you and forcing you to sleep next to me so I can control you. I’m not forcing you to earn certain privileges, or treating you like a slave,” he growls, not releasing eye contact the whole time. “I’m doing what I know we both want. You’re staying in my bed because I can’t stand knowing that you’re down the hall instead of right next to me. You’re staying in my bed because last night, the sound of my voice was the only thing that calmed your nightmares. I’m not doing it to make you obey or monitor you every second of every day, I’m doing it because I want you in my bed. Don’t you dare ever compare me to him again.”
By the end of his lecture, I have to force my eyes away from the fire in his as shame fills me. He’s right, and I know it. The monster never forced me into anything or tried to control me, he only ever pushed me when he thought I was ready and wouldn’t admit it to myself. Carlos abused me, manipulated me, and treated me like an animal.
I didn’t know he stayed with me last night, though. It’s not much of a surprise, but I’m surprised he knows about my nightmares. I woke up rested this morning, feeling better than I have in months, and I couldn’t remember having a nightmare. Was it really him that kept it away?
“I’m sorry,” I whisper as I do my best to keep my eyes cast down.
“Look at me, Ainsley,” he commands. I hesitate for too long, showing him a weakness, but eventually, I meet his gaze. “I’m never going to be the one to hurt you. Whatever it takes to make sure you’re safe, I’ll do it. If anything ever happens again, you need to know that I’ll work day and night until you’re safe again.”
I know it in my heart, but it’s the thought of something happening again that absolutely terrifies me.
“If you really don’t want to sleep in my bed, then you don’t have to. But, if you’re sleeping in that guest room, then so am I. I can’t listen to you crying out for me in your sleep when I can make you feel better. You understand that, right?”
I nod, a tear slipping down my cheek at his words. I forgot how much he took everything to heart with me. He blames himself for everything, and lately, I’ve been blaming him for everything, too.
“Come on, let’s get going,” he mumbles as he releases my chin and starts walking. I walk with him, not wanting to be pulled behind him again. There’s an understanding between us right now. He understands why I’m pushing him away, and I understand that my safety is his priority.
When we get to his car, he throws my suitcase in the backseat. To my surprise, I don’t take the distraction as an opportunity to run. My mind is still reeling from the intense conversation we had, and even if I ran, I would be too distracted to escape.
The monster holds open the passenger door for me, and I climb in quietly, not arguing with him. I just have to get through a week. He wouldn’t keep me away from my classes again, not after I had to fight with the school just to stay enrolled after disappearing mid-semester.
I can make it through a week. I’ll be nice and act like we’re getting along, and when the week is over and I still want nothing from him, he’ll back off. He’ll have to.
The car ride is silent, and the tension in the car is thick with our last conversation looming over us. I’m wondering how he can drive safely with a mask on his face when he suddenly speaks up.
“I’m sorry.”
Two words that I didn’t expect to hear from him, and certainly not as he’s forcing me to go back to his house and stay with him.
“I shouldn’t have lost my temper like that,” he explains. “You have every right to be upset with me after what you endured. But, Ainsley, you don’t even know what’s been going on since you walked away from me. You don’t understand the way I’ve beat myself up, day and night, since I lost you.”
I don’t even know what to say, but I know I need to acknowledge his words somehow. “I -”
“Stop,” he says, cutting me off. “You need to hear this. I’ve spent the last three months destroying the Guerra cartel and hunting down anyone that was involved in your kidnapping. Day and night, I’ve hunted them down. I go days without sleep now. When I’m not working to get revenge for you, I’m sitting in silence, feeling like the worst person alive. I blame myself for all of it. Every single thing you told me about what happened is a weight on my chest I can’t get off. You can hate me for what happened all you want, but I hate myself enough for both of us.”
“I don’t hate you,” I tell him quickly, wanting to get that admission out of the way. I should probably let him think I hate him. Maybe then he would leave me alone, but I don’t want to lie to him. Not after what he just admitted to me.
“Then why are you still pushing me away?” He sounds hurt, defeat clear in his voice.
“I don’t hate you, but I can’t love you, either,” I admit in a soft voice, knowing it’ll be hard for him to hear.
Instead of being hurt, he perks up, something in my words making him feel better. “Haven’t I told you? I love a challenge, little one.”
We drive the last few minutes in silence. I’m not in the mood to talk, and he won’t push me. When we arrive at the house, he pulls my luggage out of the backseat and we walk inside together.
“I’m going to put this upstairs, and then you can decide what you want to do until you’re tired,” the monster tells me as he makes his way to the steps, carrying my suitcase with him.
“Actually,” I say, stopping him before he goes upstairs. “I think I’ll just go to bed. I’m pretty tired, and it’s been a long day.”
The monster nods, accepting my decision as he climbs up the steps. When he reaches the guest room, he stops, giving me the chance to stay in there if that’s what I want.
I push past him, rounding the corner to his bedroom. He stays behind me, letting me lead the way so he doesn’t push me too hard.
His bed is more comfortable, though. And if he keeps the nightmares away, then I should take advantage of being able to get a good night’s sleep.
When I push through the door, he follows me and sets my suitcase against the wall. He keeps his distance, letting me take the lead here.
“You don’t have to go to sleep if it’s too early for you,” I tell him, hoping he’ll take it as an out so I can be alone.
“I didn’t go to bed last night, so going to bed a little early sounds amazing,” he answers, squashing that hope quickly.
“If you go to bed with me, you’ll have to take the mask off,” I remind him, hoping that’ll make him think twice.
Instead, he pulls the mask off, revealing his face to me. His face is clean shaven, like he just groomed himself this morning, though his hair is longer than the last time I saw him. It’s growing out on the sides, begging me to run my fingers through it. His crooked nose makes me want to smirk, thinking of how he could have gotten it. And when my eyes meet his dark blues, I want to swoon. He should have just kept the mask on.
“I’m just going to, um, grab some pajamas from my bag,” I tell him, motioning to the suitcase behind him. He gestures for me to come get it without moving away, knowing that seeing his face is affecting me right now. I refuse to let him have the upper hand. I stomp toward him, refusing to look into his eyes again as I grab my suitcase and take it back to the bed.
When I dig some pajamas out, I re-zip the suitcase and turn to put it back where it was, but the monster is standing right behind me. So close my chest pushes into his with every breath I take.
“Don’t feel as if you have to wear pajamas around me, little one,” he says as he leans in even closer, his lips so close to mine they’re practically touching. “After all, I only plan to sleep in my boxers, unless you’d prefer I wear less?”
I forget how to breathe as the thought of him sleeping naked next to me runs across my mind. No, bad idea. Very, very bad idea.
“N-no,” I stutter, failing at trying to keep the upper hand here. He doesn’t move away, staying there for so long I’m just waiting for him to kiss me. When he realizes I won’t change my mind, he backs away, pulling his shirt off as he goes.
“Shame,” he says. “I’m sure we’d both enjoy that.”
My eyes lock on his tattooed chest, tracing every line of his artwork and every scar hidden underneath I could never get myself to forget. As my eyes trail down, taking in every bulge of his abs, I find something I don’t remember seeing before.
“What is that?” I ask, refusing to believe what my eyes are seeing. There, in jagged pink lines that look like freshly healed scars, is my name right above the band of his boxers.
The monster smirks as he unbuttons his pants and pulls them down, knowing I’m watching him. “I wasn’t lying when I said I beat myself up. Every day that I didn’t find the men responsible for taking you, I carved your name into my skin with the same knife I shoved up your pussy last night. I finally stopped a week ago when I found one of the men. He died last night.”
His words should make me run away, should make me realize that he’s completely psychotic. After all, he’s admitting to carving into his own skin when he couldn’t murder someone.
But, instead of running like I should, I feel oddly safe. He really punished himself every day that there was still a threat to me out there.
“I don’t know what to say,” I whisper.
“You don’t have to say anything. I didn’t do it to impress you, I did it to punish myself. All you need to do right now is get your pajamas on and come to bed with me.”
I don’t argue. Pushing past him, I walk into the bathroom to get ready for bed and prepare myself to be next to the monster all night.