Chapter 28 The Real Reason
THE REAL REASON
“Iappreciate you not letting on how angry you are with me at the expo,” Rowan said when they got home hours later.
The air on the drive back to his place was tighter than a nun’s disapproving lips with her students in tiny shorts and barely there tank tops.
“I wouldn’t do that to you,” she said. “I’m assuming Logan filled you in on what happened?”
“He did.” Not that he couldn’t see some of what was going on when he was talking to his brothers and saw Ava with Saylor.
He should have listened to everyone and told her before, but he’d been a coward and didn’t want to upset Saylor.
Didn’t want to cause a fight. More importantly, didn’t want to make her feel insecure about herself.
She hardly ever voiced it to him, but he saw it. The way she tugged her shirt sleeve down to cover her CGM on her arm around his friends. Or changed into longer shorts so her pump wasn’t visible on her thigh.
It wasn’t often and not lately, but around new people where they’d be staring her down and assessing her every move, she tried not to have that be the first thing they saw.
With those who knew her now, she was free and open with her devices and it warmed his heart considerably that she wasn’t afraid to let it be known. Not even that it was seen today on stage in the dress he gave her to wear. She never thought twice about it either.
Maybe he should have remembered that about her instead of trying to protect her from something.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were in a relationship with Ava?” she asked.
She was walking up the stairs to their room and he was on her heels.
“Because I’m a coward,” he said, laughing.
She turned on him. “Don’t be cute. This isn’t a time for jokes. What’s the real reason?”
He’d never seen her this serious before. “Because I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You don’t know what can or will hurt me,” she said.
“The knowledge of that wouldn’t have hurt me if you’d told me in advance.
Being caught off guard with a lot of eyes on me did.
And to find out on the heels of your declaration of love makes me doubt your sincerity.
Like did you say it then so I’d have it fresh in my head if the news came out tonight? ”
“No! If I thought you’d find out tonight, I would have told you myself. The two have nothing to do with each other. Why would you even think that?”
“I don’t know, Rowan,” she said, throwing her hands in the air. “You always tiptoe around sensitive subjects. You give in and never want to argue or fight. You even admitted that to me before.”
“Not all the time,” he said. “Don’t go there. I let you buy things all the time when I don’t want that.”
She rolled her eyes. “We aren’t going down the money route again. But answer me this, why do you let me do it if you don’t want to?”
He felt as if there was a trapdoor at his feet just waiting to open up and drop him. “Because I don’t want you to get mad if I say no all the time.”
She pointed her finger. “There it is. The truth. You don’t do or say what you want because you are more worried I might decide to leave or think this isn’t right for me. Right? Say it!”
“Fine! I felt that way. I don’t think it’s that big of a deal to want to make sure you’re happy here. Most women would love a man that cared enough and put them first like that.”
“I’m not most women. We know that. There is so much about me that is different, it’s not even funny.”
“Don’t go there,” he said. “Don’t do that to yourself. You always knock yourself down when there is no reason.”
“You know nothing about it,” she said.
“I do. Your grandmother told me. She told me everything your sister did to you and fed in your head when you were younger. That you feared finding anyone that could accept you and your health issues. Which by the way, they aren’t health issues.
You’ve got a condition that requires a few more steps in life than the rest of us.
Do you think you’re alone? Because you’re not. ”
“I know I’m not,” she said. “I’ve spent my life trying to get other people to see that. But it’s tiring. And sometimes it’s easier to hide my devices so I don’t have to explain or get looks. To feel normal. It’s not a bad thing for me to want that peace once in a while.”
He never thought of it that way.
“I get it. I see it. You don’t have to force it with me. I think I’ve been very clear that none of it bothers me.”
“It doesn’t,” she said, sitting on the bed. “But now I have to wonder if you do that on purpose. You know, to make it easier for me to stay.”
“I can’t win,” he said. “Yep, I do everything to make it easier for you because I love you and don’t want you to leave.
One has nothing to do with the other. I’m not babying you.
I’m not pitying you. I care about your well-being and want you to know you don’t have to do it alone.
I think you’re so used to having to do it by yourself that you can’t accept help. ”
She stared at him. He was pacing around his bedroom. He hated being worked up, but he was pissed off that he could have prevented this and messed up.
How many times in his life did he have to listen to arguing, fighting, and drama growing up? Like his brother Foster, he wanted some peace and maybe it rubbed off on him to do those things as a preventive mechanism as an adult rather than owning up to the fact life was full of controversy.
“I’m sorry if I don’t have people in my life that have helped me.”
“Don’t do that,” he said. “You have your grandmother and you know it.”
“A lot of help she did by telling you all those things,” she snapped.
“I wanted to know those things about you!” he yelled back. “You never share it.”
“Because it’s embarrassing. And hurtful. I don’t want to remember them or live it again. I worked hard to get away from it. Why do you think I left?”
“You left for the same reason I did.”
“Please,” she said, waving her hands. “Your family is great. No one in your family would consider doing to you what my sister did to me. I’ve talked to your mother a few times. She’d never allow it.”
Though Saylor had only met his three brothers today in person, she had been around when he’d talked to his mother and siblings and she always got on the call to at least say hi.
No one else he’d dated wanted to do that.
She never shied away from it either. Making the effort to get to know him.
Just like he did the same with her grandmother.
“No, she wouldn’t. And I’m sorry that your parents didn’t stop Sandy from doing that shit to you, but not everyone has malicious thoughts either.”
“I know that,” she said.
“But you think I do. You think everyone does that might not understand you.”
“That’s not true,” she argued. “I’ve dated a lot of guys who didn’t understand and that was fine. But when they said it got in the way of us doing things or it stressed them out, that is when I was done with it.”
“As you should be,” he said. “But that doesn’t bother me. I thought I handled things two weeks ago damn fine.”
“You did,” she said. “But you’ve been trying to baby me since and it’s frustrating.”
“You haven’t said a word about it,” he said.
“Because I didn’t want to cause a fight.”
He pointed at her. “There. Right there. You can do it and I can’t.”
She stared at him and then laughed. “You should see yourself right now. You’re in a squat and pointing both fingers at me.”
He straightened up and flopped next to her on the bed. “This is a mess.”
“Not a mess. Just a huge breakdown in communication. Did you do that move to make me laugh?”
“No,” he said, sighing. “I hadn’t even realized I’d done it.”
He’d store it in his memory banks for next time though.
“Rowan. We rushed this thing with us. I know it and you know it.”
“It doesn’t mean it’s wrong. My mother was married in less than two months to my father.”
“I get that. I do. And I know your siblings all had fast relationships too. But our situation was different. I’m not a long distance type of person.”
“I know that. This was the only way it would have worked and I really wanted you to say yes. I don’t think it’s bad or wrong of me to have wanted to make it easy for you since you are the one who gave up so much to come here.”
“But what did I really give up? I was going to move anyway. Nothing about moving here has been bad and everything has been wonderful.”
“Except this fight.”
She laughed again. “Rowan. People fight. We should have fought more before this. Or over something more important. This has to stop or it won’t work, regardless of our love.”
“What has to stop?” he asked. Why the hell was the panic making him shake?
“The lack of communication. The fact that we both are afraid to make waves even though you can handle them so well and I’m the one that crashes when they are too high.”
“Outside,” he said. “I get it. And you’re getting better at riding the waves.”
“I am. Tell me about Ava. And before you say anything else, I’m not jealous you had a girlfriend or even someone you still talk to or work with. I’m upset that you didn’t trust me to be strong enough to handle that information. I thought I’d proven my strength enough.”
“You have. I was wrong to underestimate you. I think the truth is, I was the uncomfortable one.”
“I’m not sure why. Have you had other women take exception to your relationship with Ava?”
“Yes,” he said. “But not because Ava and I had a sexual relationship. It’s not something we make public.
Women are just jealous of my working relationship with her.
Or other women that I surf with. I know you’re not jealous of them per se, but you’re uncomfortable being in a bathing suit around them. Or not fitting in.”
“I’m like that in general,” she said. “It’s hard to get past, but I’ve been working on it for years.
I think I’ve made a lot of progress. But sometimes people just stare at the devices on me.
If I’m out in a store, I don’t care. When I’m in a small group of people and it’s obvious, it’s an uneasy feeling. ”
“I hate that for you.” He put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close.
“It is what it is. I’m getting tougher to have the ‘fuck you’ mentality, but it’s a work in progress. We all have days we just want to be inconspicuous. Ava?”
“Not much to say,” he said. “Logan told me he explained it and it was all true. We met surfing, got along well. Friends turned into something more, but she’s younger and her life is surfing. Mine is too, but not like hers. I have other responsibilities.”
“And she didn’t see that?”
“No,” he said. “Some of that was on me, I get it.”
“Ava doesn’t like Logan, does she?”
“I don’t think they get along,” he said. “She was always complaining that we were together too much and he was the reason I didn’t visit as often.”
“Doing his job?”
“Yes. And part of his job was to keep me in line. West and Laken made sure of that.”
She laughed. “I think it’s nice your siblings can do that with your best friend and everyone still gets along.”
“We all have the bigger picture in mind. Ava is getting what she wanted. Me too. Things are good with us and few knew we even dated. It’s not like she talks about it much.”
“She acted as if she was shocked I knew. Why doesn’t she want people to know?”
“Because she’s stubborn and prideful like you. She doesn’t want it attached to her she only got her sponsorship for dating me. I honored that. It was me making a business decision also. Neither of us wanted the drama or distraction of a brief relationship that would have never turned into more.”
“Which might explain why I saw nothing about it before.”
“Have you researched me?” he asked, giving her another squeeze.
“Yes. I’d be stupid not to do that before I moved here.”
“And we know you’re pretty smart. Are we going to be okay now? Anything you want to know about Ava I’ll tell you, just, you know, keep it quiet. I’m trying to protect her for no other reason than out of respect. We are friends now. But nothing more.”
“We’ll be okay,” she said. “And I won’t be jealous. Not of your relationship with her. Or I’ll try not to. I won’t speak of it either. But we both have to stop trying to prevent friction. It’s going to happen and we have to learn to work through it.”
“We do,” he said. “I’ll do better. I promise. But half the time I don’t care if you get your way if you’re happy. That shouldn’t make me a bad person to want that.”
“It doesn’t. As long as it doesn’t make you unhappy. That is the difference.”
“Got it,” he said. “But nothing about you makes me unhappy.”
“Not even my job?”
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “Why would you think that? I’m proud to tell people what you do.”
“Then you joke I can patch you up when you get hurt,” she said. “I’ve heard it. But the hours I work?”
“Aren’t that bad. I work a lot too. I’d feel like shit if I was working late all the time and you were sitting around doing nothing. I don’t feel that way about you. Even on your days off.”
“Really?”
“Really. I know you like having the time alone and I’ve got things to do. I’d call it a compromise. I work longer when you’re out and then less when you’re around, but I still have to work.”
“And surf,” she said. “Even in the morning and not worry you are messing up my schedule.”
Last week he finally got up earlier on her days off and surfed when the waves were nice. Not always great in the morning, but if the report looked good, he was taking advantage of it.
“I’m not,” he said. “You’ve got my word.”
“I love you, Rowan. I’m not someone who throws that word around freely, but love or not, I’ll kick your butt if I think you’re holding back trying to protect me.”
He wrapped her up and pushed her back onto the bed, rolling on top of her. “You’re scary this way. Show me more.”
She spread her legs and wrapped them around his hips. “You got this dress so I could do this, huh?”
“No, but I’m glad it works.” He gave her a loud kiss. “I’m not free with the L word either, but I’ll make sure you always feel it.”