Chapter 14 Fighting Fear
Fighting Fear
SHADOIW
Seven Years Ago
My studio apartment on the training grounds is dark, except for the light of the full moon coming into the large picture window that overlooks the grounds.
I chose this particular apartment for its direct view of the moon.
However, the moon’s usual serenity and calm are ineffective tonight.
The cold gray stone floor against my bare feet sends a chill up my back, and gooseflesh puckers the skin on my naked chest.
With a drink in hand, I turn away from the window and pad over to the simple round table in matte black that matches the cabinets in the little kitchenette and island counter with the gray quartz countertop.
Everything in this apartment is grim and dark like my mood.
I place the glass on the table and sit in a nearby chair, noticing the studio’s empty and lifeless appearance.
What would Jessica think? Would she appreciate the minimalistic design or see the room of a cold and heartless bastard?
She deserves someone better. Even Anders would agree.
I silently berate myself over my recent conversation with Anders. I didn’t use my magic to gain power over that weakass motherfucker. I saw an opportunity to eliminate a threat, and I took it. I took it for her. Why can’t he see that?
He’s hidden who he really is for years. Hell, all magic wielders do. I won’t just sit back and allow nonmagical wielders to threaten her life or anyone else’s, especially when I can do something about it.
The more I stew on it, the more my brain conjures different ways—better, nonmagical ways—I could have responded.
I hate myself for what I am, an inhumane bastard.
Maybe, just maybe, if I could understand different perspectives, empathize with others, I wouldn’t be here now, beating myself up over what-ifs.
My skin prickles with the familiar push and pull inside of myself. This rage has consumed me of late, growing stronger and stronger. I don’t know how to contain it. How do I prevent myself from becoming just like him?
Stop overthinking things. That’s how.
I rest my elbows on the table and grip my hair with both hands. “Go away! I don’t want your voice in my head.” My plea bounces off the walls of my bare apartment. I take a few steadying breaths to keep the rage at bay. I don’t want to be like him. I don’t want to become him.
You’ve been ignoring me for months, and I’m sick of it.
I have been your only companion for ten years, the one helping you to function in your catatonic behavioral state.
If not for me, Dad would have placed you in an asylum.
You wouldn’t have met Anders. I’m the one who has looked out for you your entire life.
Suddenly, you want to toss me aside, pretend I don’t exist?
“I’m like this because of you!” The voice falls silent. He knows I’m right, and there is nothing he can say about it. “I refuse to be just like you.”
You were never like me. That is why I’ve always tried to protect you.
I rip my hands out of my hair and slam my fists on the table.
“Protect me? You didn’t protect me. You lied to me! You hid the truth about who you were. Now, I’m an unfeeling, walking, talking cardboard cutout. I’m a robot!”
Keep your emotions under control. These new emotions are making you crazy, making you lose control. Your fear and rage bring me to the surface. Your fear will make me take over.
Crazy?! My head falls back as I howl with laughter. Hell, I might be a lunatic, talking out loud to a voice inside my head.
I hurl my glass against the wall. “This is all your fault! If I’m going crazy, it's because of you!” I flip the table over as I stand.
It’s not because of me. It’s because of all the things you can suddenly feel! he claims, rough and commanding. Calm down!
I begin to pace, pushing my hands through my hair. This swirling of magic is driving me mad. I grab the bottle of whiskey and take a long drink.
Drinking won’t help.
“Shut up! Just shut the fuck up and leave me alone!”
I take another swig, paying particular attention to the burning liquid flowing down my throat. My phone buzzes on the counter, but I ignore it. I don’t want to deal with any more crap for the night. I need to dull my senses before I completely lose my fucking mind.
I bring the bottle to my lips as my phone continues to vibrate. Fuck, maybe I should check it. Then, an irrational thought crosses my mind. What if it’s about Jessica? What if she ran away?
Fear burns in my gut, and another prickling sensation ghosts over my skin.
I reach for my phone. Relief washes over me when I see a text from Liam. He wants to meet. A second text says it’s important. A final text includes his location.
I gulp the cool burning liquid, mulling over whether I should meet him. My mood is dangerously unstable. With a disgusted sigh, I walk to my closet and find one of my pressed shirts. Going out beats sitting here, punishing myself over shit I have no control over.
But I can control this.
Liam had planned to return to the European territories to live with his mother's pack. It took me a while, but I somehow convinced his grandfather to allow him to transfer to Ryukyu Academy. Once there, I ordered him to keep an eye on Sodie and discover his role in Jessica’s disappearance.
I might have to kill him.
Too bad. I really did like Sodie.
Returning to the small kitchen, I finish the bottle and disappear into the shadows to meet Liam.
He chose a small clearing in a wooded area surrounded by Ryukyu pine trees on a magically hidden island called Himitsu no Shima. A tingling sensation at the back of my neck alerts me. I’m not alone. Liam steps out from behind a tree.
“You wanted to meet?” I ask him.
“You could have replied and told me you were coming. I almost left.” I don’t respond; I’m not in the mood to expend extra effort to act normal.
He crosses his arms over his chest in a way that reminds me of the Blackguards.
“I’m here, so talk,” I command. I want information.
It’s been months since we overheard Sodie’s phone conversation outside of the Alpha King’s mansion the night of the guard ball.
I need to know what Sodie did to Jessica.
Who is he working with, and where did she go when she disappeared for five days?
Rage builds beneath my skin at the thought of someone hurting her.
Then, Sodie and Darwin emerge from behind another tree.
Darwin doesn’t exude any fear, which I find odd because he doesn’t wield active magic.
I always thought of him as one of the weaker guards, but I covet his computer skills and, surprisingly, his knowledge of the supernatural, which is why I brought him here.
Sodie, on the other hand, radiates fear, drawing that part of myself I hate closer to the surface. The alcohol I consumed wasn’t enough to lock him away. I feel myself starting to lose control.
“Do we have to stand outside in the dark like a bunch of criminals?” Darwin asks.
I stare at Sodie, waiting for him to respond.