Chapter 33 My Heart Breaks
My Heart Breaks
SHADOW
Seven Years Ago
The whiskey on my kitchen counter stares at me.
I don’t want to drink it. I just want to talk to Jessica, dammit.
This can’t be over. It can’t be, even if Anders never changes his mind and doesn’t give me my job back.
It’s not as important as getting her back.
I resigned from pacing to packing the few belongings I kept in my studio apartment.
I need to talk to her. A soft knock at the door brings me to a halt. Then, nothing. Fuck it! I stride to the counter. Maybe a drink will do me some good after all. Just as I grab the bottle and twist off the cap, I hear another knock. I set the bottle back on the counter and turn toward the door.
“Shadow?” Jessica’s raspy voice questions from behind the door.
I rush over and throw the door open. I want to grab her and pull her into my arms, but the sight of her stops me in my tracks.
Her previously long, beautiful hair is gone.
She now sports a short, spiky cut. Large, framed glasses practically cover her entire face.
An oversized hoodie hides her feminine frame, and baggy jeans are folded several times over before they rest over her Converse shoes.
What the hell?
She gives me a tight-lipped smile and avoids eye contact.
We’re back to this. Shit. I rub the back of my neck. “Jessica?” I breathe, not knowing what else to say.
“Anders said to give this to you.” She hands me a flat box. I reach for it, never glancing away from her face. “I’ll see you on Sunday.” Just like that, she turns to leave.
After only a few steps, I shout, “No! Wait! Stop!”
She stops walking but doesn’t turn around.
“Princess…” I call out. “Look at me, please.”
She shakes her head.
“It doesn’t have to be this way. Nothing about you will change how I feel. Just turn around, and look at me, dammit!”
“I can’t,” she whispers.
“So that’s it? You’re going to turn your back on me, not even give me a chance to tell you what I think or how I feel about any of it?”
Her head drops forward, and she sniffles. “I can’t. I have to do this,” she whimpers. Her pain and sadness intermingle with my own.
“At least tell me why you’re ending this, before we even had a chance to make it work.”
She wipes her face but still won’t turn around.
I push at her mind until I break through her barrier. Look at me, please. I need you to look at me, so I can understand why you’re doing this.
She pushes me out, severing our connection. Glancing over her shoulder, she says, “I got accepted into the guard recruit program, and you can have your job back under one condition. I must keep my relationship with you strictly professional.”
“Who told you that? Anders?” She makes no move to confirm, but I already know. “It doesn’t have to be like this. He doesn’t need to know.”
She rubs the sleeve of her sweatshirt over her face.
“Yes, it does, Shadow. This isn’t just about the lab results or my inability to shift or have children.
I have to do this for me. I can’t do this in a relationship.
I need to do it for myself, by myself. I can’t keep relying on you or someone else to protect me, to save me every time I get into trouble. ”
“Is that what Anders told you?”
“No. I thought about it on my own…”
“Just say it.”
“I won’t let you ruin your future plans for the guard recruits because of me. I’m not worth risking all of that. I want to see your dream come true, and I won’t stand in the way of it. It’s over, Shadow. Just accept it.”
Without another word, she runs down the hall. She doesn’t give me a chance to say more, to convince her she’s wrong, that Anders is wrong. She runs away from me. A pain I never felt before pierces my heart.
I think you deserve that drink now.