Chapter 66
Another Goodbye
JESSICA
Six Years Ago
Anders retreats to his office. He won’t look at or talk to me. I know he blames me for the Resistance taking Shadow. I tried to convince him to let them take me instead, but no one wants to hear it. They can have me, if it means we rescue Shadow. It’s half past five, and we still don’t have a plan.
Darwin keeps an eye on Beaver’s laptop, but he hasn’t heard anything new since the video call.
After being locked in my room for a couple of hours, that strange man, who was so disgusted with my scars, returned to inform me that the Leads want to prepare our group, just in case the Resistance comes to fight.
On our way to the gym, Marty walks toward us with a large bag over his shoulder.
“Where are you going?” I ask.
He stops in front of me and looks down at his shoes. “I resigned.”
“What?! Why? Marty, you’re one of the best guards we have. We need you.”
His face crumples. He drops his bag to the floor and kneels in front of me. He grabs my hand and places it over his temple. “Do it,” he whispers.
I open our mind link, and he shows me what he learned about his mother, Mimi—all the notes he read, the interrogation with his stepfather and his confession that he involved his own mate with the Resistance for money, all of my medical issues due to her involvement.
My heart breaks. I truly loved her, and she tried to kill me and then use me as a science experiment.
I drop my hand and close our connection. I don’t want to see any more.
“You’re innocent, Marty. Why are you leaving the guard?”
He pulls me into a hug and then wipes his nose with the back of his hand. “I can’t stay. When the other guards learn what my mother did to you, they’ll always wonder if I’m a traitor, too.”
“You’re not. I believe you. Please don’t leave. We need you.” For the hundredth time today, tears fall.
He thumbs the tears away. “I don’t want to, but Anders and I agreed that it’s better this way.”
“Where will you go?” I ask.
“Anders set me up with some people he knows. I’ll be fine, little one, and so will you.”
“Please don’t go,” I whisper before I throw my arms around him one last time. “You were the first friend I made outside of my family. You’re one of my favorite people,” I mumble into his shirt.
“You’re one of my favorite people, too.” He releases me and wipes at his face. “I have to go. Behave. Okay?”
I nod, wiping the tears from my chin.
“Promise me you won’t go looking for a fight.”
I give him a watery smile. “No promises.”
He pats my cheek. “Atta girl. Keep fighting.” He picks up his bag and leaves.
I watch his retreating back until I can’t see him anymore.
Outside of the training facility, I plop down on the grass. I take in the cool night air and bend my legs to prop my elbows on my knees.
Contemplatively, I review all the information sitting in my brain. There are so many holes in what I gathered. No one wants to tell me more than what I need to know, which isn’t a whole lot. Frustrated, I pull at the grass and fling the blades as far as I can throw them.
The Leads gave the recruits an option to stay or return home. They all stay. Luke and I argue tooth and nail with the Leads and our parents to let us stay and fight with our group. It’s the first time we agree with each other and join forces to support one another.
It works, but it isn’t a triumphant win, not something we celebrate. We’re putting our lives at risk and everyone around us because we come first. They have to protect us, even though we both feel like their equals. Concern is written all over everyone’s faces.
But I’m in this fight, and I plan to stay to the end.
We review some light training exercises in preparation for the Resistance attack.
We have no idea if they will come, but they want us prepared.
They divide us into small groups. The new special ops team—I haven’t really met most of them—work with the recruits and their newfound magic skills.
We don’t have a lot of time to prepare, but it’s our best hope.
I stare up at the moon, full and bright.
I asked her a million times, “Why?” She never answers me.
Tonight, I don’t really want an answer. I just want to sit here and not think.
My heart hurts. Every bone in my body hurts.
Even the ends of my hair hurt. I can’t tell if it’s physical or emotional pain at this point.
I readjust my sitting position on the cool grass and push out random thoughts in my head.
When my mind is clear, I allow myself to bathe in the light of the moon. I feel a tingling sensation against my scalp. Shadow? Tell me where you are. Tell me so I can find you! Please.
“Hey,” Emily says tentatively. I open my eyes as she pulls the hood of her jacket down, further covering her face. She plops herself down onto the grass, facing me. “Are you okay?”
The tingling sensation fades. “I just needed some air.” I shrug. “I was tired of Liam riding my ass.”
He pushes me almost in the same way Luke does, when he goads me into a fight. He struck a nerve when he accused me of being no better than Elaine Powers, that I was an entitled, spoiled, self-centered brat who uses people to get her way.
I want to rip out his throat. The hurt and betrayal feels like a stab to the heart. I pluck at the grass underneath me. “Is it just me, or did Liam and Luke have a brain swap?” I ask.
Emily lets out a breathy laugh. I expected this behavior from Luke, but he’s actually been helpful, giving me pointers, and talking with me. He even stepped in between Liam and me and took my side.
I undo my crossed legs and pull them into me, wrapping my arms around them. Odyssey told me about the pictures and videos they found on Beaver’s laptop of Tyler and me kissing. I’m not sure if that’s the bug up his ass.
Emily looks away, lost in thought.
“Liam doesn’t get to be mad at me. He kissed me, told me he loved me, and then left me when I needed him the most. I couldn’t talk about him and what his leaving did to me. I couldn’t even talk about what happened to Boris. I had to hide my feelings and keep them to myself.”
At night, when everyone fell asleep, I wallowed in my sadness, asking myself over and over what I did wrong for him to abandon me.
No texts, phone calls, or emails. I know he planned to leave, but some part of me hoped he would stay in touch.
For a year and a half, I didn’t hear from him.
So, no, he doesn’t get to be mad at me for moving on.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Emily finally asks. I look over at her and raise my brows in question. I literally spilled my guts a moment ago, and she didn’t hear a word I said.
“Do you want to talk about wherever your brain just went?” I scoot closer to Emily.
Her eyes reflect such sadness. “Em, look at me.” Her head tilts up beneath her hood.
“Are you mad at me, too?” I pause, but she doesn’t reply.
“I’m sorry. I know that he’s one of your close friends.
I never meant for any of this to happen. ”
A single tear streaks down her face. “What if we don’t get him back? I can’t lose both of you,” she whispers.
I inch closer and place my hands on hers. “You’re not going to lose me.”
More tears fall. “You want to trade yourself for him. You made a case to the Leads to fight with us when the Resistance comes.”
I look down at our hands. Emily’s hands tremble beneath mine. “I have to save him, Emily. He was taken because of me.”
She swipes at her chin with the back of her hand and shakes her head. “With everything we learned today, it’s so much bigger than that asshat Byron Niles looking for his son.”
“What are you talking about? What did you learn?”
She faces away from me. “I can’t tell you.” She pauses, and what she says next feels like a knife to the heart. “Go home, Jessica. This isn’t your fight.”
“Em, I don’t understand.” Why is she saying this? She was always on my side before.
Her eyes shut. More tears leak down her face and drip off her chin. She squeezes my hand. “You are my best friend, and this shit—all of this—scares me to death. Please, just go.”
“No!” I cry and yank my hand back. My heart breaks at her lack of faith in me. “I won’t abandon him!”
She reaches for me. “I know he means everything to you, and I know you would do anything to save him. Let the guards take care of this. Go with your parents, away from here, to someplace safe. Please…” Her lower lip trembles.
I brush her hand off the sleeve of my jacket. She's the last person I expected to fight with about this. “I thought you had my back!” I spit out, my words laced with hurt and betrayal. I push myself off the ground.
She leans forward and pulls me back down. “You don’t understand, Jessica! I can’t be everywhere to protect you. I’m asking you to leave, for me!” she shouts. “I can’t lose you.” Her voice cracks. Her shoulders hunch forward, and large tears fall to the ground.
I’ve never seen Emily like this. My anger melts as her sobs grow louder. I reach for her and cradle her head against my shoulder.
“If you die, or they take you, I will never forgive myself.”
My own tears begin to fall. I rub slow circles against her back.
“I know you can’t always be there to protect me.
Emily, it’s not your job. You’re my best friend, not my personal bodyguard.
I’ve grown and changed so much since I’ve been in the program.
Let me prove it to you, Anders, my parents, and the guards that I can do this.
I can fight. I can protect all of you, too. ”
Her sobs turn to soft whimpers. She finally looks me in the eyes. “You’re a stubborn ass, you know that?”
I scoff at her remark.
She squeezes her eyes shut, and more tears leak down her face and drip off her chin.
She squeezes my hand. “You came into my life when I felt the loneliest. For the first time ever, I found someone who understands me. You never try to fix me or push me away because I’m too loud or talk too much.
You didn’t judge me when I told you that I liked girls.
You made my relationship with Sixes stronger when I was too afraid to let her in because of my secret.
I finally feel like I belong in this world because of you.
If you ever leave me, I don’t know what I would do. ”
I sniff and wipe at my eyes.
“If you insist on fighting tonight, I need you to make me a promise. Promise me that, if it comes down to it, you will let me take a bullet for you. You won’t do something reckless and end up in the hands of the Resistance.
” She pauses when she sees my hesitation.
“Please just say you promise. It will make me feel better.”
I vigorously shake my head. “No promises. I’ve never lied to you, and I won’t start now.”
She sadly nods her head.
I wrap my arms around her tight. “I love you to the moon,” I whisper.
“To the moon, around the sun, and back,” she whispers to me.