11
Selah
A fter dinner, Beckett and Dragana clean up while Edison pulls me by the hand to take me on a tour of the rest of the cabin. He excitedly brings me to his bedroom, going through a suitcase to show me the things Beckett brought for him.
"I even have my own big bed here! Look!" he chirps, running over and jumping on it.
I laugh, loving the big smile on his face. "That is a really great bed, Edi! It looks super cozy," I respond.
We make our way back to the living room and Beckett is already there waiting for us. He gives me a look and I realize it's time for us to have our talk. I go to sit down on the sofa with him.
"Where did Gana and Helen go?" Edison asks, as he plops down in between us.
Beckett takes in a breath, resting his elbows on his knees and folding his hands together. "Helen went back to her cabin, and Gana went out in the backyard for a little while," he explains calmly. "Edison, Ms. Selah and I need to talk to you about something important."
I reach over to hold Edison's hand, and Beckett takes the other in his. He begins to slowly tell him the bad news about his mother. Gently explaining to him that she won't be returning like we had all hoped.
"So..she went to heaven? Forever?" Edison asks, his eyes welling up with tears.
I rub his back, and Beckett nods, gently stroking his hair. "She did Edison, yes. And I'm so sorry that you won't be able to see her again. I know I can't take her place, but I want you to know that I'll be here for you. Dragana will be too, and we will do our best to take care of you," Beckett says reassuringly.
Edison stays silent, looking down at the floor, and I exchange a look with Beckett, deciding to step in.
"I know this is so hard for you, Edi. You have had a lot of tough news the past few days, and it's ok to feel sad," I add quietly.
Tears start running down his face and my heart sinks. I quickly go into my purse to take out my small pack of tissues, helping him blow his nose.
Beckett hesitates for a moment, but then gets up and lifts him up in his arms. He gives him a tight hug, closing his eyes as Edison continues to cry quietly. I stand up and rub Edison's back gently, fighting back my own tears.
"I-I thought she was going to come back since my dad went away! One of them always stays," Edison protests, hiccupping as his tears continue to fall.
Beckett pulls him back so he can look him in the eyes. "I know that if she could come back she would, Edison. And I'm sorry your dad is gone too, but I promise that I'm going to do what I need to do so I can be the best caretaker for you," he explains calmly.
Edison rubs his eyes, giving Beckett a doubtful look, " You will stay here? Will we live in this house together?" he asks.
Beckett sets him down on the ground, and glances over at me, "No, Edison. You will come to live with Gana and me in New York when you finish Kindergarten with Ms. Selah."
Edison's shoulders tense, panic taking over his face, "But I don't want to leave Upwood! My friends are here, and I don't want to leave Ms. Selah!" he cries.
"Edison.." Beckett says calmly, trying to reach for him, but Edison turns and runs behind me.
I give Beckett a sympathetic look and turn around, stooping down to talk to Edison, "Edi, everything is going to be ok, hunny. Don't worry about moving or anything else right now, ok? That will all be figured out later on."
Edison doesn't respond, continuing to cling to me. Beckett runs a hand through his hair looking regretful for making him more upset.
Edison finally calms down again after a few moments, and he slowly peels his arms from around me. Beckett stretches out a hand to him, giving him a sad smile. "How about we go find Gana and ask her to run you a bath? I have those rainbow bath bombs I got you. That will help you relax, huh?"
Edison doesn't respond, instead turning to give me one more hug. "Goodnight, Edi. I'll see you on Monday, ok?" I say quietly, as he pulls away.
He nods, hanging his head and takes Becketts hand, following him down the hallway.
The emotions I was holding in to not scare Edison are threatening to release from me as the two of them disappear out of view.
I feel tears spill from my eyes as I get my purse and hastily head to the front door. I don't want to unravel in front of Beckett and make a fool of myself, so I decide it's best if I just leave quietly.
This is the hardest part of being a teacher by far. You get so attached to your students being with them day in, and day out, that everything they go through affects you deeply.
I know I've never been a mother, but I still feel like all of my kids have a little piece of my heart, just like a mom feels with her children. And with everything that Edison has been through this year, he has a really big piece of mine.
I make it to the front door and dig in my purse for my pack of tissues again, drying my face before I leave.
"Selah are you ok?"
I yelp, dropping my purse on the floor of the foyer. Beckett frowns, stooping down to pick it up for me. He stands up and looks over my face. He lifts his hand to my cheek, shaking his head slowly. "Selah.."
I wipe my face with the back of my hand, "I'm so sorry, Beckett. I was really trying to hold it in. I just feel so terrible for him. A-and I know I came here to help you, so I just didn't want to fall apart in front of you and make everything harder than it already is. I didn't want you to end up having to console someone else too. It's just too much for-"
"Selah, Selah, breathe, sweetheart," he instructs soothingly. He wraps his arms around me and rests his chin on my head as he gives me a hug. "This isn't anything too hard for me. And you aren't too much. It's perfectly normal for you to be emotional. You and Edison are so close."
I nod, reluctantly pulling away from him. "Thank you. Are you ok?" I ask.
He folds his arms over his chest, "I'm ok, yeah. I've had all day to process this, so maybe it's just easier for me now. I'm used to my family being a mess, and dealing with stress," he says, his eyes moving past me out of the front window. "Plus I've lost both of my parents, and I know what it's like to have that hole in your life."
I feel my gut twist at his words, knowing just what he means. I want to ask him more, but I know that this isn't the right time for those questions. "I'm sorry to hear that, Beckett," I say, and he nods. "Did Edi calm down a bit?"
Beckett looks back at me, coming out of his thoughts and lets out a heavy breath, "Yeah he's in the tub right now, Gana is washing his hair and making sure he’s ok. I'll read to him when he’s done and we can talk some more, and I'll try to answer any other questions he has. I don't want to get into more about the future with him. I know it's just too much for him to process right now," he sighs, running his hand through his dark hair.
"You're doing a great job, Beckett. You were just being honest with him about what was going to happen. It just was too overwhelming for him to imagine leaving here," I say encouragingly.
"Thank you, Selah. I'm just learning how to do all of this as I go," he admits. "Edison really loves you, and I can understand why. You have such a pure heart."
"Thank you, Beckett," I whisper, my heart filling with his words.
We stand there silently until he unfolds his arms and clears his throat. He bends down and slips on some slide sandals, then moves to open the front door. We walk out onto the front porch together and I breathe in the warm spring air, finally feeling my mind calm down.
We walk over to where my car is parked behind his SUV, and he turns to me as I take out my keys. "Thank you for coming tonight, Selah. Are you going to be ok driving home, or should I take you? I can always help you come back and get your car tomorrow," he offers.
"Oh I'll be fine. Thank you Beckett," I say, giving him a grateful smile.
"Text me when you get home, ok?" he says, taking a step back as I open my car door.
"I will. Goodnight Beckett," I respond, getting inside.
I start my car and back out of his driveway, giving him a small wave goodbye. He lifts his hand in return but doesn't move until I turn on to the main road, my thoughts jumbled as I head back home.