16
Selah
M onday morning, my alarm gives me the same rude awakening that I am never prepared for.
You would think that being a teacher for the past 13 years would have made me more of a morning person, but sadly I never enjoy mornings until I get to class and see my kids. Their little smiling faces always makes the morning rush worth it.
I may also have some other incentives pulling me towards my classroom this morning. I’m hoping that Beckett will be dropping off Edison so I can see him again.
Spending time with him this weekend was so much more fun than I expected. I love the way he encouraged me and gave me advice on how to deal with some of the unpleasant moms that I encounter at school. The fact that he listened attentively and seemed to really care about my feelings meant a lot to me.
The hug we shared when I left his house Saturday should have been such a simple gesture, but somehow it felt like more. I hug many people throughout the week, from my students to my friends. But something about hugging Beckett felt so intimate and unequal to what I've felt with anyone else's arms wrapped around me.
And when his lips pressed against my cheek, I thought my body was going to combust. I could only keep imagining all day yesterday what it would be like to have those tempting lips exploring other parts of my skin.
I get up and go through my usual morning routine, making my rolled oats with fresh fruit, and then my green tea to take with me to the classroom.
The weather is promising to be another warm and sunny day, so I pick out a nice pink and gold ruffled dress, and get out some pretty flats to match it. I take off my bonnet and run some jojoba oil through my curls, deciding to wear them loose today instead of brushing them up into a bun.
I never bother with makeup other than just some lip gloss, so getting ready doesn't take me very long. I’m grabbing my keys to head out of the door when my phone rings in my bag. I quickly find it and stare at the name debating whether to answer.
Bianca Video Call
I sigh and swipe the bottom of my phone to answer, leaning against the wall in my hallway.
My mother's face comes onto my screen and I look into her brown eyes that are identical to mine. At 38 years old I shouldn’t still get nervous like a teenager who has failed a test every time I see her, or hear her voice, but here I am with my stomach sinking to my flats.
“Selah! Where have you been? It’s been almost two weeks since you called me. Cary and I were about to drive up there and see if you were ok!” My mother exclaims, her voice and face showing matching disapproval.
“I’ve just been very busy, mother. It’s the end of the school year,” I respond.
It’s not a complete lie. The end of the school year is very busy for me, and with everything going on with Edison, the last thing on my mind was speaking to my mother.
She’s not exactly someone I confide in when I’m stressed out, because she just makes things worse. I’ve been keeping my thoughts between me and my close girlfriends who have been more than helpful with giving me advice, and a shoulder to lean on.
My mother twists her mouth, “Well even so, you can take five minutes to let us know that you’re ok instead of keeping us worried,” she continues to scold.
Somehow I doubt my stepfather, Cary, was concerned about me at all, but I nod and force a smile on my face. “Well I will do that next time mother. I’m on my way to school actually right now and-“
“Have you been sticking to your diet, hunny? Your face is looking a bit fuller than the last time we spoke,” she interrupts, eyeing me curiously.
I frown looking at myself on my phone without thinking.
I told myself not to care about her opinion, or comments about my weight, but it’s hard to do that when she’s always freely giving them.
Even at 7am.
“I’m still doing my regular diet mother, yes,” I answer.
She sighs, pushing her long black extensions over her shoulder. My mother has never been able to relate to my struggles with weight. She has always been taller and lanky, while I received my father’s shorter, and fuller genetics.
She’s been on me since I was a pre-teen about sticking to a diet and not letting myself get overweight. It led to me having a lot of issues with food, and even so she praised me for losing the weight and keeping it off. Even though I'm sure I'll never be her ideal for what she pictured for her only biological daughter.
Since I've moved away from her, I try not to obsess over the scale as much. I know I am at a healthy, good weight, but there are still her opinions nagging at me even when I don’t speak to her.
Every time I try on a swimsuit, or have a day where I indulge in too many sweets, I can just hear her voice from when I was younger telling me, “ You’ll never get a boyfriend if you don't watch your calories ”.
“Hmm," she finally responds. You just need a little extra cardio then. I’ll send you some of the new videos I’ve been doing from YouTube,” she says, making it clear that it’s not a suggestion.
“Sure mother. I have to go. Take care,” I say, quickly ending the call.
I stand in my hallway for a moment, swallowing down the bitter taste in my mouth from our conversation.
“Don’t you cry because of that woman. We don’t let her get to us anymore,” I whisper quietly to myself. My hands are shaking as I put my phone away, and take a calming breath before heading out of the door.
I get to school fifteen minutes later and start setting up my classroom. I restock the centers for morning play time and check the lesson plans I have for this morning, making sure I have the books that I need.
Slowly my students start to trickle in through the door, greeting me and heading over to hang up their things. I’m just setting out some more magna-tiles when I see Beckett come in holding Edison’s hand.
He's balancing a paper bag and a to go coffee cup in his other hand that I recognize from Coco’s Café. He looks around and spots me and I straighten my dress, unable to stop my enthusiasm from showing on my face.
“Good morning Ms. Selah!” Edison chirps, hurrying over to give me a hug.
I hug him back, so happy to see a smile on his sweet face. “Morning Edi! I love your Ninja Turtles outfit,” I say, taking in his new shorts and t-shirt.
He beams up at me, holding out his shirt with both hands. “Thank you! Uncle Beckett got me a matching lunch box too! Look!” he says.
He takes off his backpack and places it on the table. He moves Ruffy to the side and takes out a colorful lunch box with all of his favorite characters posing on it.
Joy fills me seeing someone finally taking care of him and making sure he has a nice, packed lunch box just like he always wanted.
I look up at Beckett to see him already staring at me with those electric blue eyes. I smile and look back down at Edison. “That is so nice, Edi! How about you hang up your bag and lunch, then go pick a station you’d like to start with today,” I say.
He nods and takes off to the cubbies, and Beckett moves to stand in front of me. “Good morning Angel.”
I feel my pulse begin to race hearing his nickname for me, and I fold my hands together in front of me. “Good morning, Beckett. How are you?” I ask.
“I’m doing good, all things considered,” he says, holding out the paper bag to me. “Edison asked to get up early and go to Coco’s this morning for breakfast, so I got you a bagel sandwich too. I’ve noticed you’re not really into desserts, or sweets besides your coffee, so I went with this option. I also got you the skinny vanilla latte with a double shot of espresso that you ordered on Saturday.”
I take both, shocked by his thoughtfulness, and good memory. He obviously has been paying more attention to me than I realized. “Beckett..this is so nice of you,” I whisper, fighting back tears. I’m still feeling sensitive from my mothers critiquing this morning, and his kindness is making me emotional.
“Are you alright?” He asks, giving me a worried look.
I nod, trying to laugh and disguise my feelings. “I am! This is just so sweet,” I respond.
He nods but looks unconvinced. He glances over at my desk where my tea is sitting, “Did you eat breakfast? I can get you more and bring it back if you’d like something more substantial?”
I set the items down on my desk, and move to stand behind it, fixing my hair absentmindedly. “I actually did eat breakfast, but thank you,” I respond, meeting his eyes again.
“Did you bring lunch?” he asks, his eyes moving over the papers, tea, and computer on my desk.
“Oh no, I normally just read, or lesson plan during lunch period,” I respond. I feel like he is always paying attention to the fact that I don't eat that much, which is sweet, but a bit problematic for me.
He frowns at me, “You don’t eat lunch? That’s not good, Selah. You eat breakfast very early, and then don’t eat again until after school every afternoon?” he questions.
I open my desk drawer, taking out a protein bar, and a package of nuts, “I snack throughout the day,” I say, trying to smile confidently. “Plus I drink tons of water. I’m ok, Beckett.”
He watches me put my emergency stash away, thankfully dropping the subject. He comes around my desk and my eyes dart around the classroom before looking up at him.
“Missed you yesterday,” he says quietly, his eyes moving over my dress.
“Y-you and Edi did?” I stammer as I breathe in his delicious cologne.
“No. I did, angel,” he responds. He holds my gaze for a moment letting his words sink in before he backs away. "I'll see you later."
I swallow hard and watch him walk over to Edison. He bends down to see what he’s doing, listening closely as Edison explains his Play Doh creation.
Something tugs inside of me when he turns and gives Edison a hug goodbye. Edison looks so small and adorable wrapped up in Beckett's muscular arms. But most of all he looks content.
I always felt so bad that Edison never had a parent to bring him to school, or show up for special events, and now he has probably the best advocate possible on his side. I wonder how different his life would have been if Beckett would have known about him sooner.
Beckett stands up and catches me watching them. “Have a good day, Selah,” he says, giving me a crooked smile that smooths out his sharp expression.
“You too, Beckett. Thank you again,” I say, holding up my coffee.
I watch him go and the bell rings signaling the start of the school day. I focus back on my students, moving to help them clean up their stations.
We go through our morning lesson once everyone is settled, and I put Beckett out of my mind. But as I finish the coffee he brought me, I can't help it when my mind begins to wander yet again.
I know there’s no use getting involved with a man who will only be here for a few more weeks. Even if he wants me to visit him and Edison in New York, things between us could never work out long term. At this time in my life I can't think of anything that won't be long term.
No matter how drop dead gorgeous he is.
Or thoughtful, or smart..
The logical side of my brain tries to silence all of the reasons my ovaries are screaming that it would be damn well worth it to experience everything Beckett Kade has to offer.
But for now, the logic wins, and I take out my binder and get back to teaching.