Chapter 49
Chapter Forty-Nine
Jax
Lauren’s dad is being released tomorrow morning, and she still hasn’t slept a night in her own bed since he was hospitalized.
She’s been to the ranch, making sure everything is set for planting next week, taking Bella on gentle walks, and ensuring Rhett has the support he needs, but she has refused to sleep in her own bed until I dragged her out of the hospital tonight.
“You’re going to be thanking me when you wake up feeling bright-eyed and bushy tailed for the first time in several days,” I tell her as she walks into her bathroom.
She’s been acting annoyed that I took her home, but she didn’t put up a big fight, so I know she recognizes she needs rest. I’m proud of her.
“Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.” She rolls her eyes, but there’s a smile crossing her lips as she turns away from me.
While she pulls bottles from her cabinet, I ground myself in the sound of them clanking together, in the motion of her hands as she gently swipes the products across her face with care, and in the fresh scent of lavender and tea tree oils that emanate from the bathroom.
It only works for a few seconds before my mind is drifting back to my dad’s presence in my life again.
I’ve had two whole days to process his arrival and figure out what to do, but I’ve made no progress.
I thought I’d be in a place to tell Lauren what’s going on without burdening her, but I’m not confident I’ll ever be able to forgive him for what he’s done, and I don’t want to intentionally put myself back where I was when I was fifteen.
I’ve found peace now. I don’t want to disrupt that.
Plus, there’s a part of me that doesn’t trust him when he says he came back to make amends.
That doesn’t sound like the man I know, and I don’t want to think about what it would mean if he were lying.
But I do anyway. He could show up unannounced. He might go to Mom, demanding money. And what if he found out about Lauren? I wouldn’t put it past him to think her family’s ownership of thousands of acres would mean they have money he could gamble away.
No. No. No. My mind spins out of control quickly.
“Do you want me to do your skincare?” Lauren asks.
Her voice makes me jump from my place on the edge of her mattress.
She narrows her eyes as she stands in the bathroom doorway, her hands full of glass bottles.
I focus on her, trying to pull my mind from the dark place it just went.
Her blonde hair is pulled into a tiny braid that just barely passes the line of her T-shirt on the back of her neck, and her skin is shining from her moisturizer.
Even with her eyes narrowed on me, I don’t miss the way they swirl with a beautiful mix of blue, gold, and green.
It finally hits me she’s waiting for my response, so I shift on the bed, telling her, “No, that’s okay. I’m kind of tired.”
“Me too.” She plops on the bed next to me.
“You’re still worried about your dad, huh?”
She grimaces. “What gave it away?”
“Well for starters, I had to practically sack-of-potatoes you out of the hospital today.” I smirk.
She shoves my shoulder, dropping her mouth open. “You did not. I went willingly.” When she laughs, it breathes a little bit of life into me.
“Sure you did,” I tease.
“You’re the worst.” She crosses her arms.
“I am not. You like me, remember?”
“I do, but I can’t remember why.”
I pull her toward me, pressing my lips to hers. “Does that help you remember?”
“Maybe a little.” She bites her lip. “Can I please do your skincare? I think it’ll help me wind down more before bed.”
“Fine.” I get up and shuffle toward the bathroom. “Just for you.”
“Don’t look so happy,” she calls after me, her voice dripping in sarcasm. “I’ll have you know, my routine is the best in all of Texas—heck, in all of the country. You’ve told me that before.”
“And you won’t let me forget it.”
Again, that chime of laughter brings the smallest flutter of joy back into my blackening heart.
The slam of the front door sends me upright. I immediately know what it means. He lost again. He’s been drinking.
I lie in bed, holding my breath, hoping Dad will go straight to bed and sleep it off. But seconds after the door across the hall creaks open, I hear murmuring. It grows louder and louder until it’s full-blown shouting.
I storm out of my room and into my parents’ bedroom.
He’s not going to lay a hand on her. I’m stronger now.
Except when I reach the doorway, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror over the dresser.
I’m not six-foot-four-Jax. I’m scrawny-freshman-Jax.
I’m too-weak-to-stand-up-to-his-father-Jax.
I’m good-for-nothing-but-standing-frozen-Jax.
Just like that, all the old fear floods back into me. I have no grasp on my own strength, only my weaknesses.
“You were never enough to protect her,” Dad snarls. “And you’re about to fail again.”
He lifts his fist up, ready to strike, and it’s then that I realize it’s not just Mom cowering below him.
Lauren is there too. And Aunt Carol. All of their faces are painted with fear as he— I wake up, gasping for air as I scuttle off the bed.
My side of the mattress is drenched in sweat, and my skin is sticky.
My vision blurs with tears as I try to separate my dream from reality.
Breathing feels like the hardest thing in the world to do.
He’s going to come back. He hasn’t changed.
He’s going to hurt her again. I should’ve put a stop to this.
I shouldn’t have let him leave like that.
I know I can’t take chances with Dad. I shouldn’t be sitting around waiting for something to happen.
Except that’s exactly what I’ve been doing, just like I sat by complacently when I was younger.
I move toward the door, and it feels like I’m floating. I still don’t feel in control of my own body.
Hands grab hold of me, and a faraway voice cries out. “Jax! Jax! What are you doing?”
I swirl around, ready to throw my fists into Dad’s face, but a shriek of fear sharpens my senses. My gaze settles on a wide pair of hazel eyes, my favorite eyes in the whole world.
I drop my fist and let out a sigh of relief, dragging Lauren into my chest. My heart squeezes tight knowing she’s here with me.
“I’m so sorry,” I mutter.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Her voice is soft as she pulls me into her arms, lightly scratching my back.
We sit there for a while, and her gentle comfort almost brings my walls crashing down.
I come so close to telling her what’s been eating at me for the past few days, but when I look into her eyes, I see something in them that looks an awful lot like pain.
It’s like it breaks her heart to see me come undone like this, and seeing that look reminds me I’m supposed to put light in her eyes, not snuff it out by telling her just how far I’ve unraveled.
This isn’t the time. I need to prove I’ve grown from the man I was at fifteen. The better version of me would protect not just my mom, but Lauren too. She’s already going through a hard time. I can’t add to that.
“I had a bad dream.” I kiss her cheek, doing my best to plaster on my least Joker-like smile, but my hands are still shaking. “It was nothing.”
“You were yelling and crying.”
“It was just one of those dreams where I couldn’t run. You know, the ones where it feels like you’re trying to move through molasses? It was nothing. I’m okay now.”
She gives me a look that makes it abundantly clear she doesn’t believe me. Pulling me back into her arms, she whispers, “You know you can tell me anything right? I’m here for you. Your challenges are my challenges and vice versa. We’re in this together now.”
She meets my gaze, fear in her eyes. “I know you said you needed space to process things, but you’re having nightmares. I can’t help you through this if you don’t tell me what’s going on.”
I wipe my hands over my face. “I can’t tell you.”
“Why not?” She scoots closer to me, drawing slow circles on my back.
“You’ve got enough on your plate.”
She draws her head back, confusion filling her eyes. “You’ve told me over and over again that it’s good to let people help you. You’ve encouraged me to open up to you, even when I didn’t want to, and I don’t regret it for a second.” Her sweet eyes latch on to mine. “Let me in, Jax.”
I get up from the mattress, knowing I’ll cave if I let her keep touching me and looking at me like that. “This is different.”
“How is this different?” She follows me to where I’m leaning against the bedroom wall, resuming those hypnotizing circles on my back.
I shrug out from under her, grabbing her hands and meeting her gaze, hoping she’ll see the desperation in my eyes and understand. “I have to protect you.”
She slips her hands from mine, shaking her head. “Don’t give me that excuse. I hid my feelings from everyone I loved because I thought I was protecting them, but you showed me the right people will want to help. The rules don’t change for you.”
“They do in this case. I need to deal with this alone.” My voice cracks as I add, “Please.”
She stiffens, eyeing me. “Okay.”
As she extricates herself from my arms, it’s a sign of her emotional withdrawal just as much as her physical withdrawal.
When the light in her eyes dims, I want to correct myself and tell her the truth, but it doesn’t feel right.
The dream proved I have to stop sitting around.
I need to take action, and this time I don’t just have my mom to protect.
I have Aunt Carol and Lauren too. I’m the luckiest man in the world to be in a spot where I have so many people I love, but it also means I’m not going to risk putting them in danger.
I’m doing what’s best. Lauren will understand eventually.