Chapter 53
Chapter Fifty-Three
Lauren
Sandra Bullock’s character, fresh out of the shower, is fighting off a little white dog as she tries to get a towel when the on-and-off drizzle we’ve had throughout the day turns torrential.
“Did y’all know it was supposed to storm today?”
The girls shake their heads as I turn up the volume a couple of notches.
Callie leans into me on my left-hand side, whispering, “Are you doing okay?”
I nod. I still have a lot I need to figure out with Jax, but my conversation with my dad today was encouraging.
In a lot of ways it was exactly what I needed.
A movie day followed by researching and applying for grants with Mom should clear my to-do list enough for me to come up with some way to prove to Jax I’ll always be there for him.
I’d like to make up with him before ringing in the New Year tonight.
Callie continues to eye me carefully as she draws back.
“Watch the movie.” I point to the screen. “She’s about to run into a naked Ryan Reynolds. You can’t tell me you’re not all over that.”
She gives me a smirk, looking a little reassured that I can at least make a joke right now. I’ve still been a little off today, distracted by my constant attempts to figure out exactly what I need to do for Jax to get through to him.
Just as Callie settles back in, her phone lights up, bringing a deluge of light into the dark room.
I glance in her direction, simply because the light catches my eye, but I could’ve sworn I saw Jax’s name on her screen before she quickly flips it over. I’m going crazy. Maybe I need to stop overthinking this and just show up on his doorstep tonight.
A guilty smile creeps onto Callie’s face. “Sorry, no texting in the theater. I’ll turn it off.”
I turn back toward the TV, smoothing a hand over Bella’s back as she curls into my side, lightly snoring, but out of the corner of my eye, I see Callie turn her brightness down to look at her screen.
“Is everything okay?”
“I’m about to see Ryan Reynolds’s sweet bottom. I couldn’t be better.”
“Oh my god!” Olivia grimaces. “Please never say that again.”
“Come on. Ryan isn’t your type? He’s brunette like Rhett.” Callie wiggles her eyebrows.
“He’s a good-looking man, but I still don’t want to hear about anyone’s ‘sweet bottom.’” She shudders.
“Then close your ears because I’m about to rant about it.” Callie leaps up as Sandra Bullock’s character barges straight into Ryan Reynolds’s character, unleashing chaos.
Once the actors stop shouting at one another, Callie pops up from the couch. “I need to pee real quick. I’ll be right back.”
She heads toward the front bathroom around the corner, and I don’t miss the fact that she snagged her phone off the couch too.
I pause the movie and glance in Olivia’s direction. “What do you think that’s all about?”
“Don’t look at me. I love the woman, but I don’t always understand her.”
A sharp knock cuts through the sound of the rain, and I groan as Bella’s head shoots up. I have to grab her to keep her from lunging off the couch and ripping her stitches. She still has about a week until she can get them out.
As I walk toward the door, I wonder who could possibly be showing up on my porch right now. All the cowboys should be out in the fields.
I slip off the couch, and pad toward the door, swinging it open to find a damp Jax, wincing. “Hey, Freckles.”
“Jax.”
A flood of conflicting thoughts whirl in my mind at the sight of him.
I want to fly into his arms and assure him that I’m here for him, just like I’ve been planning to all along, but there’s also a part of me that wants to run far away and protect my heart from that golden smile that’s flashing on his face.
He wrings his hands together. “We need to talk.”
I glance back at Olivia, and she gives me a nod, taking Bella from my arms. I know that’s her way of telling me you have to try.
“Yeah, we do.” I join him on the covered porch, closing the door behind me and crossing my arms. The rain patters insistently on the roof overhead.
“I screwed up. I’ve been keeping things from you, and it’s not fair. I’m really sorry.” There’s pain in his eyes as his brows pinch together. “I thought I was doing the right thing, but all I was doing was hurting us both.”
“I hate that you pushed me away, and I’m not the same girl I used to be.
” I have to raise my voice a little to be heard over the pounding of the rain all around us.
“I’m not going to wallow and think that it has to do with me not being enough.
I’m going to recognize my worth. I’m going to recognize our worth and fight for us.
You don’t get to push me away when things get too hard.
” I drop my shoulders, realizing they’ve been creeping toward my ears as my frustration builds.
“You don’t get to do all these wonderful things that make me think we’re moving forward and then pull back.
You need to open up to me. I want to help. I—”
He grabs both my hands, pressing them between our chests. The action makes me melt back into him. Between the anger and hope mixing in my chest and the fact that I’m so close to Jax that I can smell the familiar scent of oak on him, my heart is pounding.
I wrangle my feelings back in, going rigid.
I want to give us a chance, but he doesn’t get to come back and think I’m going to immediately forgive him.
I want to fight for us, but I need reassurance this won’t happen again.
I’m not going to be in a relationship that cycles back and forth between hot and cold. Not again. I deserve better.
“I’m sorry for being so stupid. My fear of not being enough got in the way, and I suppose my ego did too.
It told me I needed to fix this problem on my own to protect everyone.
I’m not perfect, and I know I never will be, but I’m going to fight like hell to be good enough for you because you deserve it. ”
Thunder booms, shaking the ground. The storm is rolling in closer.
“You’re my favorite person in the whole world, and there’s no one I’d rather go through life’s ups and downs with than you. It’s always been you, Freckles. Please just give me a chance to prove it to you.”
It’s always been you. A swarm of butterflies unleashes in my stomach, but I bite my lip, trying to remain steady. “You really hurt me when you pushed me away. You acted like you didn’t believe I was enough to stand by you when life gets hard.”
“I’m sorry. You were never the problem.” I open my mouth to speak, but he presses on.
“I’ve spent so much of my life hiding: how I feel for you, what happened with my dad, and the fears plaguing my mind, but I’m done hiding.
” The rain picks up, pouring over the edge of the roof in dredges, but Jax’s focus doesn’t waiver from me.
“Freckles, I love you with every fiber of my being. I have for years. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long, but I always got in my own way, just like I did over the last few days, but that’s over. ”
He releases a puff of air, building more confidence.
“I’ve been in love with you since I was fifteen.
Your kindness, your laugh, your sense of humor, your wisdom, your passion, your drive, they all immediately drew me in, and as much as I’ve tried, I haven’t been able to keep myself from falling head over heels for you.
When you were with Austin, I tried to push you away and bury my feelings, but it was pointless. My heart was made to love yours.”
My mind swirls. This is all so much to take in.
Not only does Jax love me, but he apparently has for years.
How did I not know? My heart aches for all the time we could’ve had together instead of suffering through the pain we’ve both endured over the last several years, but then again, I don’t think we were ready for one another any sooner.
We’ve both grown a lot just in the last couple months, and we’re still continuing to grow.
Maybe we collided at just the right time.
“You’ve loved me for that long?” I swallow, trying to tamp down the butterflies in my stomach.
He nods, squeezing my hands. “And I’m going to do everything in my power to be worthy of you because I need you in my life more than I need air.”
The sky lights up with a flicker of light, and only a few seconds later, thunder shakes the ground.
My eyes widen in shock, and Jax holds me tighter.
“I already missed my chance with you once because I didn’t tell you how I felt.
No more secrets, okay?” His blue eyes swirl with hope and desperation.
“Anything you want to know, I’ll tell you. ”
“Really?”
He nods earnestly.
Unable to hold myself back any longer, I lunge into his arms, grabbing two fistfuls of his T-shirt as I crash my lips into his.
I pull away for only a second to say the words I’ve been dying to say for so long. “I love you.”
“I love you too. So damn much. I love you. I love you. I love you.” He grins goofily. “I’ve been wanting to say it for so long, and now that I have, I’m afraid I won’t be able to stop. I love you.”
A giggle slips free, but I quickly turn serious again. “It’s exciting, but it’s also slightly terrifying. I’ve loved someone before, but he broke my heart, and now—”
“I’m not going to mess this up again. I see what a gift you are. I’m not going to take you for granted and risk losing you.”
Another flash of lightning brightens the whole sky as I tug Jax to the wicker chairs on my front porch. “Can you tell me what’s been going on with you over the past few days?”
“My dad came to Roots.”
“What?” My jaw drops, and I reach out for his hand. I know how tumultuous his relationship was with his dad, and I know the terrible things that man did to Jax and his mom. “Are you okay? How did he get here? I thought you said he was on parole?”
Jax fills me in on everything from his dad showing up on his porch to his mom finding the letter.
“What does your mom think about all of this?”
He picks at the flaky wood on the arm of the chair. “She wants to hear him out.”
“How do you feel about it now that you’ve had some time to process it?”
An ominous cloud of thunder rumbles, but it sounds a little further away than the last one. “I don’t feel like I owe him anything after what he’s done to our family, but I want to move on from the pain.”
“You deserve that.”
He pauses picking at the wood to look up at me.
“I don’t want to do it without you by my side though.
I know it’s going to be hard to sit there and let him talk, but I think I can do it if you’re with me.
” He glances out at the sky as lightning flickers in the distance.
“All of this has helped me realize I can’t carry the weight of everything on my shoulders alone.
I need to find someone I can dance in the rain with. Will you be that person?”
He stands, taking my hand and pulling me from the cover of my porch, down the steps and into the mud.
Callie’s truck starts up, and her headlights flash on.
She gives me a thumbs-up from the driver’s seat before turning her radio on at full blast. John Michael Montgomery’s “I Love the Way You Love Me” streams out of the truck.
“I love you, Freckles, more and more with each passing second. I messed up, and I want to make it right. When you’re at your weakest, and you only have ten percent to give, I’m supposed to help carry the other ninety percent for a little bit, but I’m also supposed to let you do the same for me.
Relationships are about give and take.” He slips a hand to my waist. “They’re about learning to dance in the rain, and I need you to know, with you, I’ll freaking frolic in the rain any day. ”
He squints at me as rain drips down his face, but he’s still wearing a smile. “Will you dance in the rain with me? Both literally and metaphorically?”
I laugh at the cheesy metaphor, nodding eagerly. “I love you, Jax. I love you so much. I’m always going to be there for you, even when our minds play tricks on us. It’s you and me from now on, okay? We’re going to be honest with one another and support one another no matter what.”
He spins me around then pulls me close, pressing his lips to mine.
Rain drips down our faces. It seeps through my clothes and chills me to the bone, but with Jax’s strong arms holding me steady, I let it all go.
Let the rain soak me. Let people think what they want about our relationship.
Let my mind play tricks on me because I know in my heart that Jax and I together are stronger than anything we might face.