Urn My Love (Just Walk It Off Book 1)

Chapter One

“If you could pick up your pace a little instead of stopping to inspect every plant and rock we pass, we’d already be at the lodge and enjoying a cold drink and a relaxing evening.”

I couldn’t hide my snort.

“What? It’s the truth! If I didn’t have to escort you, I could’ve made the journey in half the time.” August turned on his horse, pinning me with his moss-green eyes.

Shrugging, I pretended to be unaffected by his attention. “I’m not denying you would already be at the lodge if not for the burden of my presence.”

August’s eyes narrowed. “Then why the snort?”

Don’t say it, Iolani…

I just couldn’t help myself. “Since you bring so much joy to every room you exit, I’m finding it hard to believe anyone could find it possible to enjoy an evening in your presence.”

August scowled, but not before I caught the twitch at the corner of his mouth. Despite his best efforts to act as though he despised being stuck with me, he’d nearly laughed and I knew it.

He faced forward again, leaving me to stare at his back… a broad back that tapered to a tight waist. I hated how much I enjoyed watching the muscles beneath his shirt flex as he guided his horse along the trail.

From the moment August had shown up on Ryls’ doorstep, I’d been thrown headfirst into one of the most confusing and frustrating experiences of my life—which was saying a lot since it had been less than a month since I was ripped away from the only world I’d ever known and shoved through the veil.

He’d arrived with a small army of gryphons, all eager to greet Trevor. But the instant our eyes locked, August broke away from them and I’d watched him stride toward me. My heart had lodged itself in my throat and my thoughts swirled as I tried to understand the strength of the pull I felt to a complete stranger. And although I was new to how things worked on this side of the veil, I’d known this man was mine.

Having a mate wasn’t something I’d considered a possibility until the past few weeks, but now I wondered what it would be like to experience intimacy with a soulmate—or a man, for that matter. And when August had kneeled in front of the swing I was sitting in, and caught my hands between his, I’d never longed for anything more than to experience those firsts with him.

Before I could speak, he’d looked up at me with eyes as beautiful as an enchanted forest and said, “We will never speak about this to anyone. I’m sure you are a wonderful woman, but I am not taking a mate. Ever.”

I’d always prided myself on being an eloquent speaker, a queen who could handle herself in any situation. But finding a soulmate and simultaneously discovering he didn’t want a mate was something I hadn’t prepared for.

My throat tightened, and all I managed to whisper was a tremulous, “Why?”

The raven-haired man’s face twisted in something akin to pain as he stood glaring down at me. “Because I’m not a good man, and I know I can’t be a good mate. Not to you, not to anyone. After I offer my congratulations to Trevor, I will sleep for a few hours and then return to the mountains. My presence will never disrupt your life again.”

Without giving me time to speak, he walked away, rejoining the gryphons. Summoning the royal facade I’d perfected over the years, but was sick to death of being forced to hide behind, I pulled it around me as though it were my armor—or the comforting embrace of the weighted blanket Ryls had put on my bed. The first night I’d slept under it, I’d thought it was enchanted or possessed and was trying to smother me. But now I enjoyed its reassuring weight as I slept.

I’d claimed to have a headache, and retreated to my room, burying myself under the blanket. My plan was to stay there until the following day, hoping that would give my not-soulmate time to rest, then leave without us bumping into each other.

It hadn’t worked out that way, though. I’d barely been in my room for two hours when every muscle in my body spasmed and convulsed before going taut. My skin burned, and I kicked off the blanket to find blue flames licking over my skin. No sooner had they appeared, then they disappeared, leaving my body feeling colder than ice.

Goosebumps spread across my skin, and each ragged breath was visible in the air. Needle-like pain stabbed every inch of my body, as though frostbite was setting in. But how was that possible? Frostbite wasn’t really a phoenix type of problem.

Before I could do more than whimper, my vision turned to absolute darkness. No, not completely dark. Something moved in the corner and I struggled to focus on it. Slowly, I cleared away enough of the shadows and blur to look around. It wasn’t my room I was seeing; it was a room I didn’t recognize.

Lifting my head, I stared out a window that overlooked a sprawling forest that seemed to extend as far as the eyes could see. My body suddenly turned from the window, and I realized with a start it wasn’t my body. I was simply a passenger, viewing the world through someone else’s eyes.

A pale hand with perfectly manicured, black-tipped fingernails picked up a brochure and flipped it open. The cover read Amber Bluff Lodge and showed a large wooden cabin surrounded by towering trees. Another page showed a sprawling barn and smiling people riding horses down a trail.

Before I could read the back, my head began to ache, and my vision blurred. The brochure fluttered to the table, landing next to a chessboard with pieces scattered across the board.

With my stomach pitching wildly, I tried to focus, desperate to figure out whose eyes I was viewing the world through. My eyes darted from piece to piece on the chessboard, hoping to find a clue there. It was useless, though. Darkness bled from the edges, and the last thing my eyes landed on was the black knight before I was swallowed up by nothingness.

The return to my body was violent, as though someone was ramming my consciousness back into my body.

“What’s wrong? Talk to me!” a deep voice growled.

My eyelids fluttered open, and I looked into the eyes of the last person on earth I wanted to see.

The man who’d made it clear he didn’t want me.

I opened my lips to demand an answer, but my stomach churned and sent bile rushing up my throat. Clamping a hand over my mouth, I lurched off the bed, only to discover my trembling legs were too weak to support me.

Toppling forward, I braced for an impact that never came, thanks to the strong arm that looped around my waist. The man easily lifted me into his arms and carried me to the bathroom.

He sat on the floor beside the toilet with a gracefulness I found surprising considering his hulking size, and positioned my quivering body on his lap so I could expel the contents of my stomach. As the room spun, and my muscles continued to quake, the stranger held my hair, murmuring soft sounds of pity.

It was humiliating.

He was seeing me at the lowest point I’d been in since tumbling onto this earth. And although he’d made his stance on mates crystal clear, I hated that I still longed for him. Not for his body, because at that moment the last thing I wanted was sex, but for the intimacy of having a life companion who loved me during the highs and lows.

When I finished emptying my stomach, I sat motionless on his lap, wishing I could pull a Ryls and die. I’d go straight to the afterlife, but unlike Ryls, I’d stay there so I’d never have to face him again.

“Thank you for your help,” I whispered, trying to keep my voice from betraying how horribly vulnerable I felt in that moment. “You can go now.”

I was the queen of the afterlife. This wasn’t a position I was used to being in.

The man gave a low laugh, making no move to leave. He continued cradling me in his arms, gently raking his fingers through my tangled blue hair.

Calling up every scrap of dignity I could muster, I slowly pushed to my feet and staggered to the sink to wash my face and brush my teeth.

The man remained seated on the floor, and although I refused to look at him, I felt his gaze burning my back.

I’d nearly finished when another wave of dizziness swamped me, and my legs buckled. In the blink of an eye, his hands were on my waist, steadying me. I sucked in a breath, stunned that a man built like a grizzly bear could move with the speed of a cheetah… or a striking viper.

Bending forward, I rinsed my mouth and toothbrush, trying to ignore the way my backside pressed against him, or the way the mid-thigh silk gown was riding up. When I straightened, our eyes met, and for several heartbeats, neither of us spoke as we studied each other’s reflections.

The man in the mirror seemed somehow less intimidating and cold than the man I’d met outside, and I couldn’t stop myself from asking, “What’s your name?”

His fingers flexed on my hips, and I didn’t think he’d even noticed the way his thumbs were rubbing gentle circles on my gown. He took so long to answer, I thought he’d decided against sharing even that part of himself with me.

“August.” His jaw clenched, then he asked, “And yours?”

“Iolani.”

In the mirror, one dark eyebrow rose. “That’s a Hawaiian name, isn’t it? Meaning royal hawk?”

I couldn’t hide my shock and twisted around to face him. “How did you know the meaning of my name? I’ve never met anyone who knew.”

“Languages have always fascinated me, and I took an interest in ‘ōlelo Hawai‘i a couple of decades ago.” His eyes drifted to my lips and darkened.

Was he thinking about kissing me? Did I want him to?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

If he truly didn’t want me, then I didn’t want to accept his touch. But I was finding the pull between us hard to resist, and my curiosity over how it would feel to have his lips against mine was overwhelming.

I focused on the one thing that had always helped to ground me. Duty.

Azurea was on earth, and the veil was unstable between our worlds. I had work to do. According to Ryls and her mates, a mate could help me grow stronger so I could fix things before the balance between worlds was damaged forever.

I was willing to give my all to a relationship, but I couldn’t sacrifice valuable time on a fling. Even if I was dying of curiosity to know what could feel so good, that Ryls and her mates were apparently willing to give up countless nights of sleep to indulge in it. Earplugs had become my best friend since we’d arrived on earth.

Ignoring the delicious heat arching between our bodies, and how much I wanted to taste his lips, I wiggled out from between his body and the sink. With as much decorum as I could muster, I made my way to the small desk in the room’s corner and flipped open the laptop Jett had brought me the first week I’d been on earth.

He’d spent most of the day teaching me how to use it, and while he didn’t explicitly say it, I understood it was his way of showing gratitude for helping return Ryls to them—even though it had come with severe consequences for me. I hadn’t wanted to bother Ryls while she was resting and spending time with her mates, so being able to binge watch various shows had helped to pass the time. It also helped me familiarize myself with various human customs and learn some slang, so I could attempt to blend in more while on Earth.

I typed the name of the lodge into the search bar and waited impatiently for the results to load.

“Thank you again for your unexpected kindness. I’m feeling much better and have some work to do.” Not wanting August to see the sadness I knew had to be lurking in my eyes, I kept my gaze on the webpage and just used my fingers to wave toward the door.

Instead of leaving, his footsteps drew closer until he could lean his hip against the desk. “What happened earlier? I heard you cry out. When you didn’t answer my knocking, I came in and found you unresponsive. You were ice cold, but covered in sweat. I’m not a doctor, but that’s not normal. Are you sick? Will it happen again?”

Unable to help myself, I snapped, “It might, I don’t know. But I’m not your problem and I don’t know why you suddenly care what happens to me.”

It had come out sharper than I’d intended, and closing my eyes, I tried again. “I’ve got a lot going on and it’s probably just stress. If I feel bad, I’ll have Ryls call a doctor.”

I knew it wasn’t a human illness, but I had no desire to confide anything else in him. He’d been clear he wasn’t sticking around, and I’d never see him again once he left. That meant there was no reason to waste time with small talk.

“You were glowing.” August made no move to leave.

I found a page that looked promising and clicked the link. “I do that sometimes.”

“You aren’t going to tell me what you are, are you?”

“There’s no need. We aren’t mates, nor are we friends. I sincerely appreciate your help during my”—I paused, searching for the right word—“episode. But you’ve made your decision regarding us, without asking for my input. I respect that, but you should probably leave before someone catches you in here. You don’t want us to speak about it again, so I’m guessing you don’t want anyone to know. So you should leave before someone catches you in here and gets the wrong idea.”

August’s breathing was rough, but he remained silent. Ignoring him, I scrolled down the page, reading about the lodge.

It was located in the United States, quite far from the compound, and was in a remote location in the middle of a wilderness accessible only by horseback. I knew Xerxes could get a pilot friend to take me there. He’d already told me he’d provide anything I needed to complete my mission. All I needed to do was say the word.

I’d get a flight to the nearest airport and then take a trail up to the lodge. Having spent countless hours on horseback on Cucalas, I wasn’t worried about my ability to ride, even in unfamiliar terrain.

Clicking print, I stood and gathered the papers from the tiny printer tray. Walking to the bed, I bent and pulled out the backpack Ryls had ordered for me, and stuffed the papers in the front pocket. I continued to ignore the man who remained still, other than his eyes, which tracked every move I made.

It was odd that I’d only felt sadness at his initial denial of the mate pull between us, but after he’d given me a glimpse in the bathroom of what it would be like to have him as my mate, fury had built in my chest. He’d decided he wasn’t worthy to be my mate, without even knowing a single thing about me.

Had he decided I was a delicate woman who’d crumble to pieces the first time he hurt my feelings? To be fair, him finding me mid-vision, or whatever that was, didn’t paint me as a strong woman. But that couldn’t be further from the truth.

I was the Queen of the Phoenix Afterlife, and I was preparing to fight a battle between worlds. If I failed, the veil could end up collapsing and taking out one, or both, worlds. I was still rebuilding my strength after using everything I had to get Ryls back to the living. Being yanked through behind her, into a world I wasn’t used to living in, had taken its toll on me too.

But this weakness was temporary, and I knew I would be at full strength soon. And if Ryls was right, I’d be stronger than ever before if I bound myself to a soulmate. But if this man was going to judge me at my weakest, he didn’t deserve me at my best…

Even if he was gorgeous, and every fiber of my body was begging to go to him.

August finally spoke. “Are you going somewhere?”

I pulled a stack of jeans and shirts from the drawer. “Yes. Since I’m leaving, you have no need to rush away. You can stay and visit with Trevor without worrying you’ll bump into me.”

From the corner of my eye, I caught the jerk of a muscle in his jaw. “Where are you going?”

I moved to the closet and grabbed a pair of hiking boots. They weren’t ideal for riding, but they had an okay heel and would do. I quickly packed the basic toiletries and dropped them into the backpack. Opening the nightstand drawer, I grabbed the satellite phone Mace had bought me and stuffed it in the bag. I knew I wouldn’t involve Ryls in this battle unless I had to, but I wanted to be able to check in and assure myself she was safe.

All that was left was to change clothes, but August still hadn’t moved from where he leaned against the desk. His eyes were scanning the website I’d left up, and I kicked myself for not closing it.

An unfamiliar feeling stirred in my chest, and it took me a moment to figure it out. Spite. If he was willing to pretend his soulmate didn’t exist, then I would do the same.

Turning away from him, I slid the thin straps of the gown over my shoulder and let the silk slip down my body to pool on the floor around my feet. Forcing myself to remain unhurried, I grabbed the thick denim jeans and bent to put first one foot and then the other into the legs. They were tight, so it took a bit of wiggling to get them on.

Still acting as though August was invisible, I pulled the tight sports bra over my head. It wasn’t the sexiest choice, but anyone who’s spent some time on a horse’s back knows having the bouncy bits snug was more important than appearance.

Slipping into a short-sleeved shirt, I moved to the mirror to pull my hair up in a ponytail.

Refusing to make eye contact with the man standing in the shadows, I lifted the backpack onto my shoulder and grabbed the jacket off the back of the door, then I headed out of my bedroom to find Xerxes.

It didn’t take long, and after leaving a note for Ryls that I had to check something out, but would check in, I headed out the front door. One of Xerxes’ men sat in a sleek black car, waiting to take me to the airstrip. Not wanting to risk Ryls coming in from the backyard and trying to go with me, I hurriedly slipped into the backseat.

“Thanks for driving me. Let’s go.”

He put the car in drive, but before he could let his foot off the brake, the left rear door opened and August slid in beside me.

“What are you doing here?” I demanded, scowling at him.

He leaned back against the seat and looked straight ahead. “I’m coming with you.”

No, he absolutely wasn’t going with me here or there… he would not be coming with me anywhere.

“I didn’t invite you,” I snapped, shooting a look at the front door and hoping Ryls wouldn’t make an appearance.

She was overly protective of me and wouldn’t want me to leave alone, but I refused to risk her or the baby.

“I don’t care. Either I come with you, or I will go tell Amaryllis you are ill and trying to sneak off on a strenuous misadventure.” August kept his gaze straight ahead, not looking at me as he waited for my decision.

He was blackmailing me, and I wanted to fry his sexy backside for it. The only issue was my powers wouldn’t truly harm him if he was a fated mate, or at least that was how it worked for phoenixes born outside of Cucalas.

It was easy to put on an act and pretend my heart wasn’t aching for my soulmate for a few minutes. But how was I going to keep up the facade of not caring for hours in his company?

“Why?” When he didn’t answer, I told the driver August was going with us and collapsed against the back seat of the car in defeat.

Now, looking at the muscles rippling under his shirt, as he guided his horse up the trail in front of me, I knew I’d been right to worry. Every hour in his company made it harder to convince my heart he didn’t belong to me. I’d been able to avoid him on the long plane ride, but now that we were alone on a trail, it was impossible.

Why had he forced his way on this trip? When he’d first met me, he couldn’t get away from me fast enough. Now he refused to let me out of his sight.

I’d never been so confused in my life.