Ursula Moller’s List of Regrets

1. It was coming

IT WAS COMING

There was a slight cooling in the air. Ursula stopped what she was doing and looked across the allotments.

Yes, definitely a touch cooler. Most people wouldn’t have noticed but when you spend all your time outdoors, you become attuned to the changes.

No matter how small, the variations in light, temperature, and atmosphere are noted and acted upon.

Sometimes, before you even realise you’re doing it.

Because you and Nature have become inseparable.

You are a cog in its wheel and in return, Nature gives you this instinct.

This protection. Samuel’s words, not hers.

Although she was paraphrasing. If he were here now, he’d be teasing her for making it sound fancy, and then he’d look up at the sun slipping below the skyline and tell her this was his favourite part of the day.

It used to be Ursula’s too, but lately it just brought out the melancholy in her.

She snipped off a handful of ripe strawberries. They’d make a nice treat for when she got back from watching the sun go down over on Samuel’s old allotment. It was an evening ritual that she’d been following too long to stop, even though it added to the melancholy.

She heard her phone’s muffled ringtone and abandoned the strawberries to search for it inside the shed.

It had stopped ringing by the time she found it hidden in with the packets of seeds she’d made up for next year, but the caller ID was still on the screen.

Andi. How long had it been since they’d last spoken?

Six months? More like eight. Ursula was about to call her back when the phone rang again.

This time, she answered it straight away.

‘Sorry I missed you, I couldn’t get there quick enough. ’

‘It’s Pablo. He’s gone. Left me.’ Andi must have included that last bit to make it clear that gone didn’t mean dead. It was always best to clarify. Especially with Pablo.

‘Are you sure?’ Ursula stopped herself from saying, this time. Are you sure this time?

‘It’s not like before. We didn’t have a fight.’

‘Okay. Is there anything I can do?’

Silence, finally interrupted by a sigh. ‘You haven’t seen him then?’

‘Me? Why would I see him? Did he say he was coming to Birmingham?’

‘No. I guess I’m clutching at straws. You’ll let me know if he turns up though, won’t you?’

‘Absolutely. Have you spoken to the kids?’

‘They haven’t heard from him. He’s not in his usual haunts either. Sorry, Urs. I just had to check.’

‘If you need me…’ Ursula left the sentence hanging, not ready to say what she would do if Andi did actually need her.

‘I’ve got to go. I’ll call later. Or tomorrow.’

‘Anytime. You know that. Anytime.’

‘Yeah. Sorry, I’m not myself right now. Bye, Urs.’

Ursula still had the phone to her ear even though Andi had cut the call.

She was looking out of the window at the sky.

She’d missed the sunset but that wasn’t what was troubling her.

It was the air. It had changed again. She went outside to get closer to it.

The rain was coming, that was all it was.

A storm maybe. She should go home before it started, but she knew she wouldn’t.

The rain was still falling when she pulled into her driveway.

She got out of the car and her eyes were immediately drawn upwards to Anton’s office window and the shadowy figure that dominated it.

It was too dark to see his expression but she knew it would be disapproving at best. A rustling in the hedge behind made her jump.

It was just a neighbour walking the dog, but she still shot inside and locked the door.

Ursula wasn’t usually like this. The call had set her on edge.

She was worried about Andi but, of course, it was more than that.

She went straight upstairs to get ready for bed and stopped at Anton’s office, its door closed as usual.

Her fingers brushed the handle but she didn’t open it.

‘Pablo’s left Andi again.’ Nothing. He never replied, never made a sound, but she knew he’d be watching her from the window in the morning when she left the house.

The night was spent battling against her racing thoughts. It was hard enough to sleep in this house at the best of times and Ursula was no good without proper rest. Daylight came as a welcome relief. It was all the excuse she needed to get up and go to the allotment.

On the way out, she grabbed a sleeping bag. She kept a camp bed stowed in the allotment shed. It came in handy when Anton got too much. Sleeping over wasn’t allowed but seeing as she was always there before and after anyone else, no one noticed.

As soon as she arrived, she drew the curtain across the shed window, laid out the camp bed and snuggled into the sleeping bag.

The morning was nearly gone by the time she woke up.

She made a cup of tea on the camping stove and took it outside to the bench in the middle of her plot.

Now that she’d slept, Ursula felt better.

Stronger. Ready to face the worries that had been piling up since yesterday.

If it really was over between Andi and Pablo, she’d have to go to her.

It was the right thing to do, but it would mean she’d have to leave the allotment which didn’t bear thinking about.

She packed that thought away. There were more pressing things on her mind at the moment.

Because if Pablo had gone, where exactly had he gone to, and why did Andi assume he’d come to her?

Pangs of hunger gnawing at her stomach finally made her leave the bench in search of something substantial to eat and she set off for the nearest café.

It was Saturday, the allotments were busy which meant lots of chats as she followed the path to the front gate.

It took twice as long to get there, but she didn’t mind.

It wasn’t as if she had anywhere else to be.

The café was full of young people. Students probably; it was close to the university.

The guy behind the counter nodded at her as she walked in.

‘Garden breakfast and a black coffee?’ He’d been working here for about three months, long enough to remember her order which was as regular and unchanging as she was.

‘Yes please.’ Ursula didn’t know his name. To her, he was just the young guy with the beanie. To him, she was probably the woman who always ordered garden breakfast and a black coffee. Or possibly the woman who always came in on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. Or even a combination of the two.

She squeezed onto one of those long communal tables, beside a group of young girls who were taking up more space than they needed.

They were planning their night out. It took her way back to when she and Andi were that age, the careful planning that went with their nights out.

Particularly when it came to the clothes they were going to wear.

Ursula had been expecting to hear from Andi again last night but there’d been nothing.

She dropped her a quick message to ask how she was and if she’d heard anything.

There was no reply by the time her food came, or when she left, the girls still talking about the amazing time they were going to have tonight.

Or after she’d popped into the supermarket to buy some bits for later.

Ursula walked back along the street, past the café, the nail bar, and the vape shop.

Something made her stop at the estate agents.

Something often made her stop at this particular estate agents.

They were always posting leaflets through the door telling her people were queueing up to buy the house.

It was a tantalising notion but appealing as it was, she knew it was impossible. Anton would never allow it.

Following an afternoon of doing very little, Ursula went home.

Normally, she stayed at the allotment as late as possible, but today wasn’t a normal day.

Her routine had been broken and she was feeling jittery enough to leave while it was still light.

As expected, Anton’s expression was one of disapproval.

You’d have thought he’d be pleased to see her home early, but when could she ever please him?

She ignored his displeasure and tried Andi’s number.

The call went to voicemail, leaving her to speculate on why she wasn’t picking up and whether it had anything to do with Andi’s need to check if Pablo was with her.

More than likely, it was because he’d come back, all smiles and sorries.

Yes, that would be it. Andi would have welcomed him home with open arms and Ursula wouldn’t be needed after all.

She was okay to carry on doing what she always did.

Except that didn’t feel right anymore. There was a change in the air.

She could feel it as easily as she could feel the variations in light, temperature, and atmosphere.

Something had shifted but she couldn’t put her finger on what it was.

She just knew it was coming, and she wasn’t going to like it.

The phone started to ring. Andi, at last. ‘Sorry I didn’t get back to you, Urs. We’ve had a minor crisis here. Someone not behaving nicely.’

‘Pablo?’

‘No. I have spoken to him though. He’s definitely not coming back. There’s another woman.’

'Oh, Andi. I'm so sorry.’

‘Yeah, well at least I know where I stand now.’ She was trying to make a joke of it, the way she always did when she’d been hurt.

‘I’ll come.’ Ursula bit her lip. How could she have said that so easily with so much at stake?

‘Would you? I could really do with an old friend right now.’ Andi’s voice was faltering and wobbly. Ursula had no choice then, whatever it took she would have to go.

‘I’ll come on Tuesday,’ she said, before she could stop herself.

Andi had said goodbye ten minutes ago, but Ursula’s mind was still whirring.

There wasn’t one day in the last six years that she hadn’t been to the allotment.

Not one day. And now she was going away, leaving it and the house behind for God knows how long.

And of course she was leaving Anton too. How was he going to take that?

‘I’m going to Bala,’ she called out, her voice pinging around the empty house.

‘I said I’m going to Wales.’ She listened out for the sound of crashing upstairs or even the roof falling in, but it was the same as ever.

Dull silence. Anton was a very unresponsive ghost. In fact, he was the same in death as he was in life. Boring.

She sat hunched up on the couch. Tuesday.

She’d promised Tuesday. What had possessed her?

But she already knew the answer. Andi had possessed her.

Wasn’t that always the way? Andi had always had this uncanny way of making Ursula say the most surprising things, whether she’d wanted to or not. Right from the very beginning.