31. Look it in the eye
LOOK IT IN THE EYE
Unless you don’t want to. Megan’s words were still nagging away at her, making it sound so easy.
If only it were that simple. Of course she wanted to be free of all those annoying habits that ruled her.
Of course she did. But wanting something didn’t make it happen, even if you tried really hard. Those habits ruled her for a reason.
She reached Am-nawr and her heart sank a little. What she wouldn’t give to be back at the allotment right now. Don was tackling the dusty hall with the vacuum when she got in. ‘Trying to get it nice and shipshape before Andi gets back.’
‘I’ll give you a hand.’
‘I’m finished now but thank you for the offer. And for speaking to Esme. She seems to have calmed down. What about you though? You looked a bit upset when I passed you on the road. Did she have a go at you?’
‘Not really. I’ve just got a lot on my mind at the moment. It’s sort of crept up on me out of the blue.’
‘This place has a way of doing that to you. Most of us came here to forget our past, only to find ourselves remembering it all the more. It does go eventually, I promise. Peace will come.’
Ursula wanted to tell him it wasn’t the same for her. She’d come here for Andi. But she remembered what Esme had said about them not getting a look in since she arrived and she wondered if that’s how Don felt too, so she changed the subject: ‘I bumped into Megan. Did she tell you about Dilys?’
‘Yes. I’ve let Andi and the others know.’
‘I’ll try Andi later. I haven’t wanted to bother her while she’s with Zak.’
‘Yeah, I expect they’ve got a lot of catching up to do.’ He picked up the vacuum and turned towards the kitchen.
‘Do you know why they stopped talking?’ She blurted it out before he had a chance to walk away.
‘Best ask her that.’
Ursula stood in the hall, wondering if she’d crossed a line.
Don was normally so easy going, if you didn’t count his run-ins with Esme.
It could be that he was coming to terms with the news about Dilys.
Then again, it could be that he was just very defensive when it came to Andi.
Either way, it didn’t feel right to follow him with more questions, so she turned the other way and went into the library.
The library had two bookcases that held a mish-mash assortment of books, in no particular order.
Anton would have been appalled at the lack of structure.
But then he would also have been appalled at the lack of serious content on display.
The only books in their house had been weighty tomes, mostly related to architecture or business. Needless to say, she never read them.
On one side of the room was an ancient computer, one of those big heavy things that was browning with age.
This was where she’d seen Andi doing her accounts.
Behind it was a wall of framed photos, mostly of Am-nawr through its stages of reclamation.
When Andi and Pablo had first come here with the kids they’d lived in a caravan while they brought this wreck of a house back to life.
They’d poured everything into it. Dare she say it was their passion project?
Strange then that it should feel so lonely.
There were pictures of Jet and Zak, looking like archetypal hippy kids.
They hadn’t wanted to leave the big city to come here but they settled in eventually.
There was Jet as a teenager, sticking her tongue out at the camera to reveal a piercing.
So like Andi. And Zak. Shy, a little awkward and very sweet.
That’s how Ursula remembered him. It was hard to imagine that boy refusing to speak to his mum for a year.
The last time she’d seen either of the kids was Anton’s funeral.
They were all grown up by then and she’d hardly had time to say more than a few words to them.
A lot of the photos were of Pablo. Pablo with a saw in his hand.
Pablo hammering at a wall. Pablo digging what looked like the vegetable garden.
On and on they went. There were very few of Andi.
On the next wall was a noticeboard with more photos pinned to it.
Group photos mainly. She recognised Don and Esme in them but couldn’t see Brett.
Megan was in there with her arm around an older woman.
Howard was on the other side. Was this Dilys?
There were other faces she didn’t recognise.
One in particular caught her eye. A young woman, slim with blonde hair pulled up to a top knot on her head, wearing a boiler suit splashed with paint.
The photo had been taken in Ursula’s room, the murals on the wall only half done.
She must be the artist. It was a striking image, not least because of the way the woman was gazing straight at the camera.
As if she had nothing to hide. As if she’d already laid her soul bare to the photographer.
It was too much to witness, like you were spying on an intimate moment.
Ursula’s mind was racing again. She needed the comfort of talking to someone who knew her, someone she didn’t need to be guarded with. She called Clyde.
He answered almost immediately. ‘Good timing. I’m at your allotment.’
‘How’s it looking?’
‘Good as ever. What about you and your friend?’
‘Things aren’t quite as straightforward here as I thought they’d be. I’m not sure I’m handling them too well.’
There was a moment’s silence at the end of the line then: ‘Want to talk about it?’
‘Not yet. It’s too jumbled up. I’m seeing things that aren’t here and not seeing things that are here.
At least I think they’re here. I can’t tell.
Reality seems to be playing tricks on me at the moment.
I may be moving towards something though.
I just wish I could see what it was.’ She brought herself to a stop.
The words had fallen out of her like a runaway train, making no sense whatsoever.
Clyde’s sharp intake of breath told her she’d said too much.
He was one of the dearest, kindest people she knew but he was of a generation that weren’t used to sharing their innermost thoughts.
So was she, but this place and this yearning for her normal life had got the better of her.
‘Let it come, Ursula. Don’t hide from it, that only makes it harder.
Look it in the eye and learn from it. And remember, you’re stronger than you think you are.
Samuel always said that about you. If you need me, call me.
Anytime, day or night. If I have to, I’ll drop everything and come to you. ’
Oh the darling, darling man. How lucky she was to have him for a friend. ‘Don’t drop Colonel, whatever you do’ she laughed.
‘No chance. I’d have to be able to pick that damn fool dog up to do that. I’ll bring him with me. He’s missing his biscuits.’
‘Give him a big sloppy kiss from me. I promise I’ll call you if I need you.
And, Clyde, thank you.’ As she cut the call, she was smiling at the thought of Clyde and Colonel riding to her rescue.
She wouldn’t ask him to come but it was good to know he would.
Besides, he’d already given her all she needed to keep going.
His advice had been to face whatever was coming and learn from it.
And if she was moving towards something, or even if something was moving towards her, she could only do that on her own.
Whether she had the strength in her to do it was the question.
Clyde seemed to think so. Samuel too from the sound of it. Ursula wasn’t so sure.