47. An illusion of beauty
AN ILLUSION OF BEAUTY
The bench held no comfort for old bones like theirs, but Ursula and Howard found softness in each other’s bodies as they clung together, wrapped in blankets that had been left for resting walkers.
They’d managed to light the fire so, while they weren’t particularly comfortable, they were at least warm.
They’d hardly spoken since they’d given in to their needs and even though there was nothing to separate them, each was lost in their own private thoughts.
Ursula couldn’t speak for him but she imagined he was thinking about Dilys.
She was thinking about Samuel’s allotment and Esme’s spiteful desecration of the dress, and was trying to decide whether the news about the first had influenced her reaction to the second.
She was also feeling bad for leaving it to contaminate Andi’s sewing room.
She’d have to clean it up as soon as it was light.
Not now though. It was too dark out there and she didn’t want to go back in that house yet.
Howard got up and went over to the window. ‘I thought I heard something out there. Probably just a sheep.’ He’d wrapped a blanket, toga-like, around him. He had a good body. Soft around the middle, but strong arms and legs and a solid chest.
He gave up trying to see out and sat on the end of the bench. ‘I’m sorry. You were upset and I took advantage of it.’
She sat up too, careful to leave some space between them. ‘I could say the same thing.’
‘When I said it wasn’t right, I didn’t mean–’
‘It wasn’t right. I don’t regret it though.’ She let that settle in her head, the idea of not regretting something she’d done. The thought of it was refreshing, optimistic even.
‘Me neither. But my wife has just died. I should regret it. I’m ashamed of myself.’
‘How long has it been?’
‘Since we last made love? Five or six years. Not long after she was diagnosed.’
‘It’s been a lot longer for me.’
‘Really? You wouldn’t think so.’ He gave her a pained expression. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply… Oh God, I’m an asshole.’
She reached across for his hand. ‘No you’re not. And thank you. I’d forgotten that part of me. It’s nice to know it still exists.’
He smiled and nodded. ‘I guess we should put some clothes on.’
‘Are you going?’
‘No, not until daylight. I messaged Gareth to let him know I might sleep here tonight, so I won’t be missed. I came back with him. I needed to get away from London for a few days. It’s kinda stupid but this place is where I feel closest to Dilys.’
‘It’s not stupid at all.’ She was the same with the allotment and Samuel.
‘Also, I was hoping to run into you. Although not in that way, I should add.’
‘Oh, why?’
‘I don’t know how to explain it but there’s something about you.
A kind of aura. I’m not a spiritual person at all, but you have this effect on me.
Whenever I talk to you I feel peaceful. Like things will be okay.
You’re a beautiful person, Ursula. I don’t mean the way you look, although you are a very beautiful woman.
I’m talking about what’s on the inside. You have real beauty inside of you.
I’m sorry if that sounds corny, but it’s true. ’
It wasn’t the first time she’d been told that.
Anton had said the same thing years ago, back when she’d mistaken his stiffness for shyness.
But Anton had wanted to keep that part of her to himself, giving nothing in return.
Howard wasn’t like that. ‘I feel the same peace whenever I’m with you.
I thought it was because you reminded me of the man I loved, but I was selling you short.
You’re a good man, Howard. That’s why so many people care about you. ’
The sound of the dawn chorus woke her although, in truth, she hadn’t slept that much.
She’d been trying to work out what Howard and Anton had meant when they’d said she had beauty inside of her.
She’d seen it in other people like her mum, Solly, Samuel, and Howard but she preferred to call it goodness.
Perhaps goodness was beauty in its purest form.
But she’d never thought of herself as good.
She was too selfish for that. Otherwise, why would she have coveted Priscilla’s husband?
Why would she have had sex with Howard when he was desperately grieving Dilys?
And why did she stay with Anton rather than take a risk on life without him?
No. There was no goodness in her, and no beauty either.
It was all just superficial nonsense. An illusion to protect her from real feelings.
Howard was sleeping behind her. The bench wasn’t wide enough for them to lie any way other than side by side, like two spoons.
His arm was around her waist. Perhaps in his dreams he was lying with Dilys.
The fire had gone out hours ago but the blankets and the heat of his body kept her warm.
She heard a whistling noise through the cracks in the door and window.
A bird of prey. A buzzard, she thought, if she’d remembered Andi’s teachings correctly.
She wondered if Anton was still up there on the hill, full of disgust at her depravity.
Depravity, secrets and lies. Those had been his words when they’d had their first proper row.
You’d have thought it would have been when she was younger, but back then she’d have done almost anything to avoid his displeasure.
It had to wait until she was older and more hardened.
And for something catastrophic to happen.