49. Tolerance lost
TOLERANCE LOST
Howard woke her with his movements. She must have gone back to sleep while she was thinking about the start of her resistance period.
Another stage in her long and disastrous marriage that had been sparked off by that first row.
Depravity, secrets and lies. The way he’d come out with it like some Victorian patriarch was as laughable then as it was now.
Especially considering he wasn’t above secrets and lies himself.
She wasn’t sure about the depravity though, unless you counted spying on your wife as depraved.
It had taken ages for her to shake off the paranoia.
Every time she saw a new face, she’d wonder if it belonged to a private detective.
More arguments followed after that fight.
Only a few a year, but each one left another crack in their relationship that neither of them cared enough to repair.
Once in a while, she’d bring up his affairs.
He denied them. Told her she was a fantasist. But he carried on leaving the signs for her, as if he wanted her to know just how ugly, uninteresting and brainless he found her.
She already knew that but Anton enjoyed hammering home the message.
Howard sat up and stretched his back and arms. ‘Hell, I’m stiff.’
‘Yes, it’s not exactly the Hilton here, is it? Do you want some coffee? There’s a bottle of water and some instant.’
He arched his back. ‘Sounds great.’
She lit the camping stove and put the kettle on. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Physically?’
She shook her head.
‘Oh, the other stuff. I still feel like I did a bad thing but I think it’s helped me. I’m hoping it’s helped you too?’
‘I think so. It’s too soon to tell. But even if it doesn’t, I’ll remember it as a beautiful moment when two lost souls gave each other hope.’
He smiled. ‘I like that. Mind if I adopt it?’
‘Take it. I give it to you as my gift.’
‘Do you wanna talk about what happened to bring you here last night?’
‘I had some upsetting news from home. Something’s changing that means a lot to me. Then Esme did an awful thing to hurt me and I suppose I just flipped and ran. And you? Was it really to get away from London or to see me?’
‘Yes and no. I came back to do a terrible thing.’
‘To join Dilys?’
Howard sighed. ‘Yes. Another selfish act on my part. It would have destroyed our kids. I realised that while I was up on the hill, so I went to Am-nawr to find you. I thought if there was one person who could make me see the point of going on, it was you. You weren’t there and I couldn’t face anyone else, so I came here. ’
Ursula poured boiled water into the mugs and gave him one.
‘I could tell you Dilys would have wanted you to go on, or that your kids and your niece obviously love you very much. But you already know that. And anyway, that’s what those other people want.
And, dear as they are to you, the point of going on has to come from inside of you.
For me, the point has always been resistance.
There have been times in my life when I’ve wanted to give in.
Days when I’ve wanted to be closer to the people I’ve lost than to the ones I’m with.
But then someone at my allotment will stop by to say hello, an old friend will do a kind thing to heal me, or a good man will stand in the dark and point out the planets for my benefit, and I’ll know I must resist those thoughts at all cost. Because there are still people in this world that bring me joy and love, and the people I’ve lost haven’t really left me.
If you stop and wait and listen occasionally, you’ll feel them with you. ’
Howard smiled. ‘I think you may have oversold me there. I pointed out the planets for my benefit. It made me happy to share it with you.’
‘And that is exactly my point.’ She bumped her shoulder against his. ‘Anyway, who said that was you? You think you’re the only man I’ve stargazed with?’
He laughed. ‘Oh, that was a killer blow. Just when I was starting to feel a little better about myself.’
She stretched out her hand. ‘This is the hand of a friend, Howard. It will always be there for you, no matter what happens. But for now, you need to go and see Gareth. There’s no phone signal here. He’ll be worried about you.’
‘You’re right. And you, what will you do?’
‘I need to go back down the hill. I have some cleaning up to do.’
Her phone pinged when she reached the vegetable garden. It was a message from Andi saying they’d set out early and should be back by eleven which meant she had a couple of hours to sort out the sewing room and decide how she was going to explain what had happened to the dress.
Charlie Big Potatoes was on the back step.
As soon as he saw her, he made a beeline for her legs.
She picked him up and let him push his nose against hers.
She could have added the joy of a four-legged friend to the list of reasons for resistance, but that was a very recent addition.
In the kitchen, she filled a bowl with cat food and put it down.
The smaller cats appeared, their thin squeaky calls a sharp contrast to those of Mr Big Potatoes.
Ursula fed them too and the only cat noises she could hear then were a chorus of steady purrs.
There was a note on the table:
‘Ursula. Esteban’s with me. Will be back around twelve.
Brett.’
Unusual that he was coming back at that time. It occurred to her that it might have something to do with the goings on upstairs. She had, after all, left the sewing room door wide open when she’d fled yesterday.
The sewing room door was closed. Ursula held her breath and pushed it open.
The smell had changed. Disinfectant laced with a more muted hint of that strange, earthy scent.
Someone had been cleaning up, and they’d removed the dress.
She flung the window open, then went down to the kitchen and came back armed with a bowl of hot soapy water and an assortment of cleaning products.
She scrubbed the table and floor, and every surface was sanitised but there was still a faint lingering odour. Unless it was coming from her.
It wasn’t until she’d taken a long shower that she felt properly clean. She dried her hair and put fresh clothes on, and was just thinking about what to tell Andi when she heard Don’s car pull up outside.
Andi was in the hall before Ursula got there. They met at the foot of the stairs and Andi greeted her with a firm hug. ‘I’m so sorry. Where is she?’
So she knew then. There was no need to worry about an explanation. Ursula pulled away. ‘I don’t know. I haven’t seen her since yesterday afternoon.’
Don brought the bags in and seconds later, Megan came crashing through the door. ‘Nasty, filthy little cow. I told you she wasn’t right in the head, Andi. Didn’t I tell you?’
Andi nodded. ‘Megan, would you mind putting the kettle on? I’m desperate for a cuppa.’
Don grabbed Megan’s arm. ‘Good idea. I’ll give you a hand, Megan.’
And then Ursula was alone with Andi. ‘It’s okay.’
‘No, Urs, it isn’t.’
‘I shouldn’t have left the key for her to find.’
Andi frowned. ‘Stop it. This is not your fault. I’m going to take a look.’
Ursula trailed behind her. ‘I think Brett got rid of the dress and cleaned up. I’ve had another go at it this morning.’
They stopped outside the sewing room. Ursula unlocked the door and gave Andi the key.
Andi stepped in and went straight to the cupboard that held her museum pieces.
Satisfied they hadn’t been defiled, she walked around the room, checking every nook, cranny and surface.
‘I’ve never seen it so shiny. I don’t think it was this clean when Pab first built it for me. ’
‘I wanted to make sure there were no traces. There might still be a whiff of it’.
Andi sniffed the air. ‘I’ll get a diffuser. Can you check she’s not hiding in her room?’
Ursula went along the landing and gave Esme’s door a quick tap before going in.
The curtains were closed and it was in darkness but as far as she could tell, Esme wasn’t here.
She switched the light on. No, Esme definitely wasn’t here.
The room itself was a mess. Dirty plates and cups were scattered about the floor and a heap of clothes had been piled onto a chair.
She spotted a framed photo of Esme and an older woman on the chest of drawers.
Her mother, possibly. There were other photos, mostly old ones like the ones in the library. Pablo was in them all.
‘She’s not here then?’ Andi was in the doorway, eyeing the photos.
‘She must have pinched them from downstairs. I thought there were some missing.’ She took her phone from the bag that was still slung across her body, stabbed at it a couple of times and put it to her ear.
The sound of ringing stopped. Andi pressed again and the ringing restarted. It stopped again, even more quickly.
Ursula went over to the window and opened the curtains. This room was in the back of the house like hers. She could see the hill and Anton.
Andi called Esme again. This time it was answered.
‘Where are you? You’ve got half an hour to get your disgusting little arse back here.
Otherwise, I’m going to take everything you own into the garden and set fire to it.
’ Andi’s voice was clipped and sharp. You could sense the quiet fury coming off her.
She was a woman who’d reached the end of her tolerance.
Ursula knew how that felt. She’d been there herself. Only once, but once was enough.