Chapter 24 - Lily
Lily
“Iguess you aren’t sleeping on the couch.”
Dean sprawled across my bed. “It’s cute you think that was an option.”
“Is that meant to be funny?”
“Funny? No, it’s reality. Do you think I’d let you sleep away from me?” Dean waved at the bedroom window. “Everyone lives in town. They won’t grant the mayor’s daughter a special exception, which means I don’t sleep on the downstairs sofa. They’ll move us tomorrow, closer to your father.”
I dreamed of my childhood bed from the moment we left Tampa, through the entire journey home, only to find out we couldn’t stay because of my father. “You don’t know that.”
Rose had told me the same. She lived in a spare room above the grocery store.
“I do. We’re almost out of fuel, and the sheriff won’t give more, so we can’t stay here, not unless you want to take up jogging or long walks in cold weather.”
“I want to stay here,” I said, like a petulant child. “What did you speak to my father about after forcing me to leave?”
“They assigned me a job. Finder’s keepers. I find. They keep.”
I didn’t get it. “Isn’t that a childhood game?”
“People rarely die from childhood games, so no.”
I drew back, horrified.
Dean sighed as his anger faded. “They asked me to train men. They make a list, and we get it. Not water. We have plenty of that.” He chuckled at his lame joke.
Dean alluded to their past conflict, but I wasn’t ready to confront it yet. Another time, after we settled and the red brick house was a faded memory.
“You’re leaving.” A weight pressed on my chest. “Oh, that means they trusted you. Ryan told them to.” I focused on the second part.
“This has nothing to do with what your brother said.” Dean’s body tensed as he looked up at me. “This is about you. If it works out, they’ll get supplies. If it doesn’t, I die, and that’s a problem solved. No reason for guilt, and you’re set free. Plus, I die a hero, which is a delightful bonus.”
“That’s not true,” I snapped.
“You’d think I’d die a coward?” Dean chuckled at his dark question.
“You deliberately misunderstood.” He implied my father wanted him dead, and no one appreciated his value.
Dean’s childhood experiences spoke, not him.
“Ryan trusted you. You were the person he called after learning the truth. He knew you’d get me here, that you wouldn’t quit.
You earned his faith.” Dean earned mine.
“He didn’t call me. Ryan knew I couldn’t make it on my own. Others recognized it.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Dean closed his eyes, as if our conversation had ended.
“What does that mean?” He shrugged without answering. “That’s fine. Leave. Go if that’s what you want.”
Dean’s ambivalence over Deer Lake and animosity toward my father didn’t suggest a man who intended to stay.
“I said, when you’re safe. Do you think you are?
” Dean gestured toward the window again.
“We saw bodies hanging from ropes this morning. There are two forms of punishment. Banishment and death. What do you think they’ll add tomorrow or the day after?
It’s not free cupcakes for everyone.” He paused before speaking further, delivering each word as its own sentence. “It’s not safe here.”
I refused to believe him. We lived in a complicated world, not one devoid of home. “Rose told me their plans. They’re worried about winter and hunger. Did you consider any of that? Harsh rules aren’t evil.”
Dean sat up and leaned forward, hands on his thighs. “If your brother trusted me so much, why don’t you? I’m not paranoid, and it isn’t my hatred for this place speaking. Why won’t you believe me?”
“I do. Disagreement isn’t distrust.” Thieving didn’t warrant death, and their willingness to do so horrified me.
At the same time, Dean timed his reveal to wreak maximum damage on my father.
“Is this the part where you tell me you did that wedding ring trick for my protection? I wonder, because what you did today felt personal. Like revenge. I’m trying to understand. Will you help me do that?”
Dean’s face twisted. “Will you stop pacing and sit down?”
I sat on the bed, far enough from Dean to prevent him from touching me.
He’d kiss me and end this conversation if I let him.
Maybe he’d wake up and conclude Deer Lake was evil, or the people not worth saving.
I worked up the strength to give the ring back and thank him, and he’d been plotting to keep us together.
I wanted to believe he did it for me, and if he did, he needed to say it out loud.
“Lily, listen to me.”
“I’m listening.”
“I’m here in this town because of you. I work for a crooked sheriff for you. To make you happy. That should count for something. You say fake marriage, but from here, on this side of the bed.” He slapped his chest. “It’s pretty fucking real. At least for me.”
“Real.”
He said what I longed to hear. My hand reached for him, a peace offering, and he took it. Dean’s calloused fingertips rubbed my skin. The light contact settled me.
“Yes. Accuse me of manipulating the situation, and I’ll own it. No problem. Doing so means we exist as a couple in public. Holding hands, living together, eating together. Those things married people get to do.”
“Get to do?” Like a privilege denied him.
“Yes, exactly. It’s what everyone will see, including your father, the sheriff, and whoever else sniffs around. You’re with me, and they can’t take you away.”
“Do you think that’s a possibility?”
“Why do you think they’re sending me to die?”
“Because you’re the right person for it, and one day you’ll recognize it as a sign of faith, not doubt.” Belief or not, we needed this topic settled.
“Okay, let’s try this. Can you admit there’s more danger here than you’re willing to see?”
I sighed, giving up. “Two things can be true, even when they contradict each other.”
“Not in my experience.” He sighed, patting the space beside him once more.
I moved, and he leaned against me, placing an arm across my body, pulling me until our thighs pressed together.
Warmth filled me. “If you want a safe refuge, we have to leave Deer Lake. You can pick where. We can stay in one spot or find someplace new every day. It doesn’t matter to me. ”
The idea of running from place to place, as he suggested, held no appeal.
It wasn’t Dean’s protection I struggled with, but the idea of killing people over and over.
That wasn’t safety, or at least not the kind I wanted.
“What would we do if something like what happened at the red brick house happens again?”
“Same as all the times before. I’d take care of it.”
And who would take care of him? He didn’t understand.
“Dean, I said you weren’t a monster or a weapon, and I meant that. If we leave here, that’s what you’ll become. I don’t want that for you or myself. We can find another way.”
I didn’t understand this new world’s rules. They were opaque and still unwritten. In Deer Lake, we could create our own. Outside, we’d experience more of the same.
His shoulders pulled in, enough so that we no longer touched. “You don’t have to become like me.”
“Don’t speak like there’s something wrong with you. I won’t allow it.” I took his hand in mine, stroking the palm with my ring finger. “We’ll stay here for both of us. Give it a chance. For me. Please.”
“Stay here forever?”
“If this is real to you, yes. Deer Lake is where I want to be. This is my home. Will it be yours?”
“Blunt.” Dean leaned forward and buried his face in both hands, muffling his voice. “Yes, I’ll stay here, but you have to listen to me as well.”
“What does that mean?” I asked.
“Proof about this town. If I show you Deer Lake isn’t what you think it is.”
“What kind of proof do you think there is?”
“I don’t know, but I’ll stay here in this fucking place for you.
I’ll give people a chance. Follow the rules and act respectful, like a normal person.
No killing. I will bury that part of me the best I can.
Do the job I’m assigned. I’ll stay here for you.
” Those words cost him. He took several deep breaths, recovering from the gravity of that commitment.
“Do we have a bargain?” Dean’s voice was stone and gravel.
“I’ll try if you’ll try. That’s fair. It’s more than fair.” More than I expected.
“That’s all I ask. What will you do if you’re wrong?”
I didn’t want to answer. It meant everything I took comfort in was a lie. My heart cracked. “We’ll go with your plan. We run.”
That satisfied him. “And I won’t leave without you,” he said.
Not without me. I squeezed my eyes shut. “Thank you. I know how much this cost you.”
“I told you, didn’t I?” Dean asked. He stroked my hair, noting my puzzled expression. His features softened, though his voice did not. “You’re the one with power over me.”
My faithful servant, he had said. Strange. I also complained about his behavior and methods, even when done for my protection.
“Do you remember when you left for basic training?”
His voice lowered. “I wondered when you’d ask me about that.”
“I tried to kiss you.” My throat swelled up, so I waited for him to understand and answer.
“Did you think I didn’t want it? To kiss Lily Sutton, the girl next door? So close to me and never allowed to touch her.”
“Who said you weren’t allowed?”
“I was eighteen,” he said, as if that explained it.
“And I was sixteen. What of it?”
“I was leaving here for good. Never to come back. Anything between us would have been wrong. I couldn’t do that to you.”
“That’s all? You did it to spare my feelings?”
He paused. “Does it matter now?”
“I suppose not.”
“It was years ago.”
His response sounded like a deflection. “A lifetime in comet years. You’re right, it doesn’t matter.”
“It embarrassed you enough to bring it up, and that says something.” Dean sighed.
“It was lonely after I left. Worse than after my mother died. The familiar surrounded me in Deer Lake, you know? It was awful, and I hated it, but I also recognized it, if that makes sense. Leaving here scared me. Maybe I should have kissed you.”
“But you didn’t, because you cared about me back then. As a bonus, we still had a first kiss.” I nudged his knee with my own. “We could have another.”
“Smart woman.” Dean patted his lap before pulling, so I sat astride him. “I’m not lonely this time. Not anymore,” he said and kissed me.