38 #2
“I have so much to tell you, Khalani. Things I never thought I’d have the chance to say.
But I know I don’t have a right to speak any of it without telling you how deeply sorry and ashamed I am.
” His voice broke. “If I didn’t know how much it would affect you, I would turn a gun on myself for hurting you. For failing you.”
Takeshi stopped and turned away, the harsh lines in his beautiful face standing out. Khalani noticed the tremor in his hands, his fingers twitching, close to losing control.
“Hey, hey.” She sat up, grabbing his arm, directing his attention back at her. “Don’t you dare say that. I was the one who failed you.”
Her chin quivered, the memory of that horrible night, gutting her worse than the Governor’s knife.
“You saved me from Doctor Strauss…but I wasn’t able to save you. I tried to return for you, Takeshi,” she whispered. “I planned to go back to the camp and look for you. But you were already gone.”
“That wasn’t your fault, Khalani. I’m glad you didn’t go back,” he said fiercely. “If anything else had happened to you, I would’ve gone on a rampage and destroyed the entire city.”
Takeshi’s affection was visceral. The deadly ways in which he safeguarded her were a part of him. And his gentle, caring heart made her want to protect him just as brutally.
They truly were twin souls in the world.
But she still needed to hear the rest, even if it hurt.
“What happened, Takeshi? After Doctor Strauss took you?”
“He tortured me.” Takeshi’s throat bobbed as he swallowed.
“The torture took days, and he grew frustrated that I held on as long as I did. But your face was seared into my mind, in my soul. I held on to you for as long as I could, but Strauss got more…creative with his knives. And eventually, I started to lose my memory. But I forgot my own name before I forgot you.”
Tears built behind her eyes. She held on to what was left of her strength to not release them.
“I felt like a slave in my own mind,” he seethed.
“When my body attacked you, I screamed and fought to take control. When I placed the blade against your throat, I used all my willpower to try and turn it into my own chest. When I threatened to kill you, I wanted to cut out my own tongue. And when I dislocated your shoulder in Hermes, I thought of all the ways I could climb to the highest building and fling myself off it. Anything to stop from hurting you again. That pain would’ve been easier to bear.
” Takeshi choked on his last words, shuddering.
She’d never seen him so shaken up or pale.
“But I watched you weather my storms and keep fighting back time and time again. You didn’t let my cruelty or inability to remember stop you.
The hardest part was that half of me screamed for you to run away.
But the other half literally begged you not to give up on me.
To realize that I was still inside, fighting for you as desperately as you fought for me.
For you to know how much I fucking love you. ”
She froze.
“What did you say?”
Takeshi was the strongest, bravest, most beautiful man she’d ever met. She was depressing. Riddled with anxiety. Clumsy. Messed up all the time. Made even worse decisions.
How could someone like him love her?
He read the denial in her eyes and pulled her closer. He held her face, enunciating every word slowly. Deliberately.
“I love you, Khalani. The love I have for you is so powerful, so infinite, that I can’t remember a day when that wasn’t true.
Before you entered my life, I was a wreck.
I no longer believed in anything. Not even in sleep could I find peace.
I chose to lose myself in violence because that’s all I was ever good at.
When you entered my cellblock and stood in front of me for inspection, I thought you were just another prisoner who deserved to die. But you were so much more than that.
“You challenged me to see beyond my own prejudices and havoc. You never knew that with each word that came out of your mouth, I fell more in love with your intelligence and quiet strength that rivaled every man I’d ever fought.
You taught me what it meant to push for my dreams. To fight for what is right.
You showed me how to forgive. Not just others but myself too. ”
The light in his eyes rivaled the sky as he took a deeper breath.
“You told me that in another story, we could’ve had our ending.
But I don’t want another story. I want this one.
I want every fucked-up and misspelled page.
I want you to ruin me as much as I’ve ruined you.
Because I’ll take the fighting. The hard days.
The bad memories. What I won’t take is another minute without you. ”
Tears cascaded down her face, and she was helpless to stop them as he breathlessly continued, never taking his eyes off her.
“God knows I don’t deserve you, Kanes. But I’m too much of a selfish bastard to walk away now.
My heart may be dark, but you have it all.
There is no mountain I wouldn’t climb if you asked it of me.
No bridge I wouldn’t cross. If you wanted the sun, I’d burn myself to fetch it for you.
That is the type of man you’ll get…if you’ll have me.
The only force in the world that could send me away now is you.
And after everything that’s happened—after every horrible thing I’ve done to you—I would completely understand if you no longer wanted me.
So I want you to think long and hard about this, because if you say no, I will leave you alone and never ask it of you again.
But if you say yes…I’m keeping you forever. ”
Khalani had once believed love was a black hole. Pulling you in before tearing you to shreds. That’s why she’d stayed far away from its clenching grasp.
But three things in her path changed everything.
Poetry taught her how to love the world.
Winnie taught her how to love herself.
And Takeshi taught her that love isn’t about what you receive. It’s about what you give. And if you’re lucky enough to find someone who loves you with just as much abandon, you can gift each other the world and all the gravity that comes with it.
Khalani placed a hand on his heart, memorizing its wild rhythm. She grabbed his palm and pressed it to her chest, letting him feel the chaotic beat beneath his fingertips. His eyes widened when he realized her heart pounded just as frantically as his.
“I don’t have to think about it,” she breathed.
“I love you, Takeshi. My heart has so many scars, but it’s yours.
I have no idea what awaits us tomorrow or the next day, but there is no one else I’d rather face it with.
No one else I’d rather grow old beside. You said that you didn’t believe in anything.
But the truth is, my faith wasn’t restored until I met you. ”
The raw passion and emotion in Takeshi’s awestruck face was enough to make the world stop turning. But she didn’t stop revealing her truth.
“You don’t have to ask me. I’m already yours,” she whispered. “I’m just as selfish and want forever with you. Every day, I’ll work to be better than the day before. But above all, I’ll never stop loving you.”
“You mean that?” he asked, his eyes twinkling.
“I do,” Khalani stated unequivocally. “You may not have all my firsts, Takeshi, but I promise you will have all of my lasts.”
A single tear rolled down his cheek, and she cupped his face, letting his love seep into her skin.
Then Takeshi grabbed the back of her neck and kissed her.
His tongue dove into her mouth, and their lips crashed together, neither of them wanting to come up for air. All the pain and hurt they’d experienced coiled between their tongues. The agony and yearning for one another slid through each moan.
He gently picked her up and placed her on his lap. He pulled her closer, fastening her tight to him, letting her know without words just how much he needed her.
They kissed each other with total freedom, losing themselves in an endless fire.
And their mouths didn’t battle for dominance.
For the very first time, they were equal in surrender.